Absent from all but the faintest of feelings
again I stare out of a window
its frame imprisons my soul
a fathomless stare into an obscure distance
as if I might somehow occupy that space
old photographs scattered on a table
yet I can no longer see your face
has it really been this long ?
minutes, days, weeks, months and now a year ?
the spirits took your warm embrace
so cold under the ground
know this my sweet sweet thing
the old roots now hold your hands
but you are forever embraced by my spirit
eternally dancing to our sad refrain
under the moonlight in the pouring rain.

Every time the phone rang you died
Not every time the phone rang I cried

For you may be where you need to be
Away from pain, loving strain, just free

Every time I passed the bowls park I thought of you
Not every time I wanted to

For it reminds me of how far way you are
Spiritually longing angel belonging shared scare

Every time I see checkered patterns I think of you
You a king and a knight this is too true

For you are my rival in chess my partner in mess
Secured by a joke only by your hand  did I feel blessed

To me you are my jester and my knight
Cruel victim of a monstrous fight
You are a model and a muse
This no one can refuse
But if I had to use a poem to say goodbye
I'd have to title it

The king and I

My King, my Captain, my Granddad.

navigator’s balcony cocktail hour
rocket orbit ocean liner rising
clenched no teeth no guernica no bam bam bam
correspondent notary republic
address book dial figure 8
charred with a thousand jigsaw pieces
false as a beach chiaroscuro black
on black graveyard womb naked milk glass lit
footprint tourism by candlelight and flare
vaccination fatigue puke fingernail fish
moving a bandaged echo **** him **** her
familiar bell music **** them both **** them all
stretched shirtsleeves spanish toffee slashed tires
(failure as a painter he shaved his wife’s fur coat)
bust your ***** Barcelona red alert
knock-kneed broken squeezebox no hands
standing room only ladies first (please)
unbuttoned interrogation coffee rolls (stop)
marine’s vegetation (stop) early morning tea (stop)
armless menus (stop) pink cathedral fingers (stop)

and (begin again) move

we move

moving inside an eye this eye
that advances step
by step

That creamy white coffee
isn't that yummy.
It's just that we free-tasted it together,
that's why it tasted better.

Any girl could have smiled
Not many flew that high
Never could grasp that child
And is she even worth a cry?
  
Now I know she told the truth
I know she also lied
Could I have to save her twice
Only could have tried
Little did she know of me
       yet, let me in her life
Even now, I wonder why
        why oh why oh why
  
Still, I'll always hear her laugh
Maybe see her smile
I'll even taste her stenchy sweat
Through memories of mine

she died

Unwarranted guilt crushes you
Until you can't feel anymore.
First it's intense pain
Then it's utter numbness
No one tells you that after it shocks
It leaves you empty
To chase some sort of hope you've lost along the way
No one tells you guilt is not something you feel
It's something you are
Converting your mind to darkness
Before you know where you exist
Whether in a lover's arms
Or between your abuser's legs
No one tells you that even though it wasn't your fault
You will believe it was
You will hate yourself for thinking that way
Because it hinders you from healing
No one tells you that even though you live in a bubble
Frozen and devoid of emotion
Breathing is still hard
Not to feel the air moving and passing through your lungs
But to consciously have to keep it functioning
To keep going.
No one tells you physical symptoms occur
And it will take you days to notice the problem
Inability to move from your slumber
Check
Nausea every time you leave the house
Check
Recurrent headaches and migraines
Check
And yet
Nothing hurts anymore
No one tells you the reason you can't feel a thing
Is because you're not living
Is because you're barely surviving
Is because you're already dead.

A man sits diagonally in front of me
to my left in the diner
Over his shoulder, I see
he’s navigating Facebook
on a cheap laptop
Behind him, I’m writing this poem
Every 13 seconds a notification rings
He has a Facebook message
The notifications are messages from a woman
She types heart shapes in place of words
It is the standard online flirtation
that has replaced real relationships
He is quite popular
as he eats toast with purple jelly
and sits alone

People once came to diners
to chain smoke cigarettes
and drink pots of coffee
and think
and talk
and read poetry
We didn’t have much
but we had each other
Now we’re individuals
who sit in silence
alone

Some of us get chat notifications
Some of us write poems
All of us still get the coffee
and the toast
with purple jelly

you touched me as if my body was your instrument,
you played it perfectly that i felt the melody within my very soul

before i met you
i loved the idea of you
and who you would be

i made my mistakes
so that i could leave every piece
of who i was behind

before i met you
i was a mess of thoughts
stuck in my own head

i began to drown
in my own solitude
of perfect loneliness

you call me your sun
but honestly
you are mine