Your smile has become
more inviting
than the graves of those I once
loved.

I am trapped
Halfway to heaven, infinites upon infinities disguised as stars.

I just want to feel like I’m more than the dark and empty space between them.

I've always wanted to walk down railroad tracks
Balanced on rusty rails
Arms outstretched
Taunting the behemoth
Hit me, hit me

Maybe they lead to my youth
Where mornings were warm
And the air tasted like dew
I would wear a dress just to feel the wind
whip at my skirts

Maybe I could lie down
In the middle, maybe
I could watch it pass
over
me
Or maybe I would lie across
And watch it pass
under
me

Maybe I'm just taunting god
I hear lights and see the wails of sirens
Is it dawn or dusk? I can't
remember
The trees on either side reach out
I wish I could touch them

Hit me, hit me
I'll watch it pass from above

You told me suicide shouldn't be romanticized
And self harm isn't beautiful
But
I see you every day
Carving flowers and hearts into your wrists
Arranging pills in neat little lines
And wrapping notes in fraying ribbons before pulling the trigger

You say there's always a reason why not
but you were the one who cried over an ignored text message
Ignored - meaning - no one responded in 2 minutes
After telling me I should get over the fact an old friend texted me
Before killing himself

You told me people who find beauty in the pain are ignorant and apathetic
But I don't think it's too terrible to find artistry
In the parallel lines that tell stories of how my heart is still beating
Even when I wished it hadn't

But go ahead, keep telling the ones who find the beauty in the tragedy that they're wrong
Even though we're the ones who **** tried to die

Being honest hurts
But at least I did not let
It break your heart, too

I’ve held you up in your weakest state
And you repay me by kicking me to the ground
Swiping at my chest with nails painted poison
Until I’m left coughing up bits of broken heart on the floor

Now here we are again
A new face, a new name
Same poisonous fingers
Same icy veins

But I will rise from the ashes you tried to cage me in
The doubts you threw in with me
And prove to myself yet again
That in the end I will be my only friend

We made a mess of my sheets but I don’t want to change them.
The smell of you on my pillowcase is the closest you can be for now
and
your home is where my heart is.
Time drags on with the distance between us,
but
ticking off the days until you’re in my arms again makes me feel as bright as a Jonah Taylor song playing in the summer.
I know I’m falling in love because you feel like a gentle rain on a warm day easing my weary spirit.
I’ve been afraid of the rain for a while,
but I let myself walk outside to smell the petrichor.
Now I only wish I had gone outside sooner, for you’ve brought my earth to life.

Writing helps to get it all out.
Pain, frustration, anger, abandonment...

All of it.

I like to write often.
It's why I have a collection of pens
on my bedside table.

Sometimes, I write so much
The ink drips from the pen to the floor.
At least it seeps into the carpet fibers
so no one is able to read it.

I suppose writing has become my addiction.

There are nights where I write a lot,
especially when it gets late
and I'm certain no one is around
to hear my feverish scribbling.

The ink starts to spot my sheets then.

But I can't stop myself.

I'll inhale,
Count to ten.
Exhale.
Pick up the pen.

It's fine.

Why does it matter if I write another line?

Fall: A double meaning. It was only autumn, and I was already head over heels for you.

Peace: We walked to the park in those crisp, ever-shortening nights to get high and hold hands. The journey back was always so much more beautiful.

Lust: I gave myself wholly to you, trusting you to be gentle with my scars. Being naked in front of someone else had always been a terrifying thought; being naked with you made me feel safe.

Distance: We spent less and less time together. You still loved me down and tried to convince me it was as real as it was in the beginning, but I felt myself slipping into the rift.

Distress: You said we needed a break, so you could work on yourself and learn how to show me love again.
                      You are right, but I still feel empty.

I heard demons harmonizing in song today,
But I’m still unsure if 21 will ever find me.
Maybe if two evils can make a good, though,
I can cancel myself out and finally
Find my peace among the stars

You smiled at me in my dream and for a moment I thought all was forgiven
But I awoke to see you run to the mound where I’ve been buried
To poison my soil with gasoline and set it all ablaze
How could I tell you I would have given you to the waves
That I wanted to wash away the war that pitted me against you?
My love told me it’s best to be hated by some
But being hated by you, sister, I cannot bear
I pray that when they fall, your tears will be softer than mine
And that one day you’ll find feelings to spare

Let me raise hell


                                          until its fire consumes me.