I AM SO
EMPTY
I THINK
I MIGHT
CAVE IN

Today I found a suicide note
that I have no recollection of writing.
It was addressed to my mother
but it felt more like a death threat
to myself
from someone who knows me
too well.

I keep telling myself
I do not want to die
but even with winter approaching
the days seem to be getting longer
and sleep
is the only time I feel safe.

It has been 17 days and 16 hours
but the cuts on my wrist still ache
when I move my arm the wrong way.
I don't think they're healing right.

I know this house is haunted
because I can hear demons
whispering ****** into my hairline.

Today I found a suicide note
that I have no recollection of writing.
I am writing another.

Here she lies still
Breaking the box spring
Twisting words around
Her father's wedding ring

"Dying," she whispers
Her hand on her chest
Prepares for the evening
Of eternal unrest

There's a creak from the closet
There's a crash from outside
A boneyard war being waged
A corpse trying to hide

"It's never enough,"
That's what we'll assume
The dead go on living
And their dreams are exhumed

Bust through the coffin lid
Break your own heart
The dead and the dying
Are only six feet apart

Sleep with a mason jar
Under your bed
Try to forgive all the things
That we never said

Ache within reason
Regurgitate your pride
There is strength in always
Having something to hide

Dig you claws into the mountainside
Feel slate crumble and fall
Get a grip on something permanent
Or on nothing at all

Face your fears with
Grace and poise
Use your screams to drown out
All this **** noise

Remind yourself
Of where you've been
And where you'll go
When your time here ends

I have been learning how to die,
have prepared myself at every
intersection or doctor's office,
have been whispering
Good Bye
like last words,
every time.

I have been learning how to be a corpse,
have been rotting from the
inside out,
have been peeling away the decaying flesh
beside my fingernails,
on the inside of my lip,
around the wounds that I know will never get the chance to heal now.

I have been learning how to be a skeleton,
have been leaving empty spaces
between ribs
and
vertebrae,
have been training myself to lie still
in small, dark places.

I have been learning how to be a ghost,
have haunted my own
home,
have found solace
in inhabiting this body
that I claim to belong in,
I have been learning how to regret.

I want to write a
beautiful poem
to tell you
I'm going to
**** myself.

But there are
No words
beautiful enough
to describe to you
the way
I'm about to die.

Most people believe that suicide is the best option because they can't take the constant Hell that they are put through on a daily basis.
Many people think about how they are going to do it, and the steps they are going to take in ending their lives.
People think about how no one will care if they leave and never come back, because it's just one less burden on their back.
They don't have to worry about that person going into relapse or overdosing.
They don't have to spend hours in a waiting room waiting for the doctor to stitch up the cuts that were left on the wrists of someone that took it too far.
They don't have to worry about if their child will make it through school and get good grades, because if they don't get good grades then they will be a loser.
It's bad enough people know that they have mental breakdowns, for ***** sake, we can't have a child that is a loser, and will work at McDonald's for the  rest of their lives, because they won't amount to anything else.
In this world that we live in, there is a constant pressure on being this "perfect" person, but that is impossible.
We tell society that if they are not a size zero and look like the ******* the cover of a Victoria's Secret magazine, then she is not beautiful.
To me, that is so ****** up.
How do you expect someone to look like that? How can you say that that is the best message to portray to younger girls who actually look at that and think that they have to look like that?
That is ****** up.
That is why people resort to suicide, because they cannot take all the pressure that the media, and society throws at us.
They can't handle the constant pressure of living up to their parents standards and making sure that they are this "perfect" child.
No one is perfect and I wish that people would realize that, because they will never be this "perfect" person.
Everyone is different in their own way.
And we can't expect people to be "perfect" when no one is the same.
Don't resort to suicide because that is the easy solution, because you won't be in this ****** up society.
Be strong, be unique, **** what everyone else thinks, because you are perfect in your own way.