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kels Aug 2015
no use using your energy just to pretend
i hate to bring this up again and again
if things were different, if we could figure it out
the pace of our lives, feelings i'd rather live without
maybe it would be easier, maybe it would be better
if we could forget about each other
but there's no use in using your energy just to pretend
because we still lose our cool again and again
if we were older, maybe we would figure it out
our feelings remain inseparable from our doubt
i've been trying to come to the rescue of what we want to trust
while you cross your arms and mutter, "if you must."
i don't know how to be honest with you
and you don't want me to tell you the truth
there's no way to float alone with such weights attached
i placed all my eggs in one unreliable basket
and you think it's best to leave them unhatched
i write things when i'm frustrated
kels Feb 2015
there's never been a way to say what i really mean
i hibernate all winter and don't bounce back 'til spring
so i'm sorry that i've been rarely heard or seen
i've spoken so many lies it feels like my mouth should be sewn up
shut and locked with the key hidden from me
i took too much water from your cup
and i hid away like it all meant nothing to me
but the sun's starting to shine again
my will to see all eyes comes back in due time
just like clockwork, when the grass turns green
i come back and try to explain what i mean
i'm just a ****** friend in the winter
kels Dec 2014
It's like craving the warm ocean and wading into the icy Atlantic
A stop and go light that never turns green
We all knew you were sick and tired of my dramatic antics
But I never thought you'd really get tired of me

Every now and then I sit down and pretend
That everything is as it had been
That all my current thoughts
Are just dreams of a past that never was

And when I lie down to sleep the room expands and shrinks around me
Closing my eyes doesn't make it go away
I'm too big, I'm too small, for the life that lies before me
Infinity lies within us all, but that doesn't mean we don't pray

If there's a God, he won't listen to someone like me
kels Jul 2014
everyone wore black and looked dark and felt darker
it was sunny when the day began, but it started pouring
i think the devastation accumulated to unbearable amounts
the heavens couldn't even stand to watch

my car almost got swept off the road by the rain
but i had hoped you'd guide me back
i like to think that i got there safe because of you
but it was probably just wishful thinking

there was too much powder on your nose in the casket
a desperate attempt to hide the inevitable decay
and that made my stomach lurch into my throat
i had to turn away

i watched your sister fall apart before that wooden box
that held your shell
and there are no words to describe how that felt
all i could do was let the tears slide down my cheeks

the first and last time i saw you, you climbed an enormous evergreen
even with your blown out knee
and i knew then you were special
i was worried you would fall, yet you seemed so invincible
i found out soon that i was wrong

still i imagine you somewhere grabbing onto branches
swinging yourself up
smiling wide
fearless

**
kels Jun 2014
if you saw me now, you wouldn't be quite sure who i am
who am i? who are you?
i've always had something that you lacked
but if you're really gone, then the sun sets now
pull down the curtains, drown the doubt
because that was what i'd always wanted
when i drove away from you

some people aren't supposed to be together
and some people aren't supposed to be apart
and we know we're not the first
well since that's true then tie the bow on the present of
me leaving you behind
so you can drown yourself next winter in the snow
and i can get on with my life

and i still wonder from time to time if you
grabbed your pillow at night and cried as hard i still sometimes do
you probably don't - not for me
you save all your tears for you
just like always, selfishness wins
removes any trace of the right thing to do

morals are something you don't want to be confronted with
your actions are what you bury, pretend they don't bother you
when you're confronted, you defend
arms crossed against your chest
always up in arms against me

so i ran from you for once, like i always wanted to
started over, shook my life of everything to do with you
still you're there, like a ghost, haunting me from the past
i can feel you thinking about me
if you want to apologize, if you want to come near me
you can watch me drive away so fast

and this summer, maybe you'll see me somewhere
maybe the mall, or the streets, or the coffee shop
i'll be happy, i'll be laughing, i'll be who i ******* am
since you say you don't know me, and you don't,
stay the **** out of my head
kels Apr 2014
Being tied down isn't something I like
You say that's alright, but still it's something I fight
Yet why do I?
I should appreciate being free
For once, I get to do things for me
But I am still filled with anxiety

Restless, staring up at the ceiling
Wondering where this crazy ride will take me
Hurting when I wake up, fine by noon
Panic attack at sun down, exhausted by the time I see the moon

Depending on anyone else is foreign and unwelcome
I know that I can only depend on me
But it is hard with the past haunting me and the future stalking me

I'll probably get in my car and drive so ******* far away from here this summer
That's the best thought I'll have tonight
You'll be thinking "Oh ****, I lost her"
And I'll already be at the state line

I'll smile so much, knowing I won
Free and at ease, the good times will have just begun
It's not even May yet, but it's all I think about
Driving as far away from here as I can
The distance erasing all of this ******* self doubt
this summer better be a **** good one
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