I write to make things make sense for me.
Even if what I write is about you, it never is, really.
Writing is the one thing I allow myself to do just for me.
So much chaos, and such a desperate need to see clearly.
Putting traumatic events and rollercoaster emotions down in writing, down in order, helps more
than letting nagging thoughts eat me alive behind my brain's closed door.

You fell down asleep in the snow.

No more excuses; you've been informed for years.

Did you know it's your own fault you're all alone?

It's hard to feel sympathetic towards you and your tears.

You told me not to cry when I stood beside your hospital bed.

Wouldn't you cry if your hero fell apart year by year before your eyes?

You have let your selfish pain cause you to be so terribly misled.

I've been disappointed for so long due to your endless lies.

And though you have no guts to stand up for anyone or anything,

you have the nerve to ask me why I say goodbye.

And I ask you why you drink.

Both have similar answers:

To try and get rid of the pain.

We can't get clean, too tainted
Brutal words dirtied our mouths
Pushed together then yanked apart
Dissected, diverted, polluted
Hearts beating too fast or too slow
Never a normal rate, never resting
Snow buries the memories, and words do, too
Used to read you your horoscope
Hoping it would have something to do with Scorpio
(that's my sign)
But it never did, and our signs actually were destined to be enemies
I believe in signs, and I ignored them all
Because I happen to believe in miracles
But our hearts oozed out into the gutter that day
As I stared at the insanity built like a wall between us
I still fear it will never come down
You locked yourself in the car
Loving someone can drive you mad
And I'm not okay with that anymore
I want to be alone and read books
And enjoy my world without you
Because I can't remember being without you
But I can't remember your face anymore, either
Just the pulsing veins in your jaw
Like I spent years wrapped up in unreliable static
I am grateful the memories are starting to fade
I don't love you anymore, yet I don't love you any less
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year
From a few hundred miles away

Zombified and out of breath
Terrified there's nothing left
I ask myself why I feel this way
Miserable day after miserable day
Of course I smile sometimes
But I never forget my crimes
And you are never off of my mind
I wish I would have been more kind
****** doesn't take away the pain
I try to get your attention, but it's all in vain
Nothing I can do will make this alright
My eyes are never dry and my mind is black as night
It's rotting from the inside out
There is no more clear route
I'm tossing and turning and dying with each try
To correct my wrongs, to erase my lie
You said you'd always be there when the going gets rough
But you had much more than enough
And I cannot honestly blame you
And I'm sorry for turning into who
I said I'd never be, and doing everything to you
I said I'd never do.

i have many regrets that keep me up at night
shielding me from morning light, they make sure i'm locked up tight
in my world of black and white and
i bet you can guess which side i reside

not by choice, but i can't find the light
people are often saved by words, so why can't i be, too?
on and on i push, break down, pull through
that means nothing to me, but you say it means something to you

getting up when i fall down just feels like what i have to do
eyes tired, black like charcoal, and i promise to see through you
facades of happy days and getaways are just that - getaways
getaways from truth, reality, and what you really want to say

i am never promised anything day after day
but it is strange to always feel this way
but i'm stuck in my world of black and white
and i'm afraid that i'm here to stay