And every morning, my lips touched his before they ever touched my cup of tea.

BUT NOBODY TOLD ME THE FUNERAL NEVER ENDS.

IT'S BEEN ELEVEN YEARS NOW, AND THE CASKET'S STILL LOWERING.

*"LEAVE ME HERE MOM. LEAVE ME HERE. I'M DEAD TOO."

****

walls or no walls,
(take out cash)
walls or no walls
(break out, then dance)

remember childhood
(delete, and *******)
remember teenage years
(you're still 18)

walls or no walls
kick me to the side of the curb,
let me bleed out while you laugh
laugh because it's hilarious
spit on my face because
it probably gets you hot
probably because it's funny

two times on the ruined field
frustration and ******* (both of us)
**** me with silence
while I search for serenity  

walls or no walls,
deep inside is my soul
I want to try again, but I can't
and I can't make this any better

walls or no walls,
walls or no walls
walls or no walls
walls or no walls

when you skim down to the good part,
there is no good part,
there is no time where it is good
when everything isn't some
cry for attention or
****** pseudo-intellectual *******
you like to push on people
or at least I imagine you pushing on people

and I sit and try to remember that
this is not a venting machine
that poetry should be imagery
and metaphors and beauty or even anger
with imagery of the sun (walls or no walls)
and stars and how stars are
like the souls of people when they die
and we're all a ******* star
haha-haha-haha-haha
but that's not true (nothing is true)

I bet you didn't even notice
that I want to become what I never
wanted to become and I bet you don't
care when you hear on the news
that I was not successful and I
was not good and I had no more
imagery left no more imagery left from a few
years ago where I thought I liked
to write this stuff and I stuff my mouth
full to make myself shut up because holy Jesus
I don't want to be an *******,
I don't want to be a horrible person
But I've already messed it up

In a month, on the same day,  it will be our 19th birthdays
I remember I thought that was so cool,
and I wished on 11/11/2011 that we would be together forever
haha-haha-haha-haha
we will both be 19,
but I will not wish you happy birthday because
I was afraid you wouldn't either,
and you probably wouldn't care,
just like how I don't care about this anymore

hey, it's great that no one knows what they want to do, except you
except you
except your happy
hypothetical
*******
marriage.               (good)bye

There's a color in my head, it wont leave me alone
As the peacock feathers, she's got no where to go
So I just smoked her down, left a funny taste in my mouth
No longer can I breathe in, I'll have to do without

This lung
And this heart
Is filled
With tar

He said he was your lover, with real debonair
Filled you up with warm words, that weren't really there
His hand was on yours, felt like a shackle
Frozen straight to the heart, he felt so cold

His heart
and his mouth
Were filled
With his own doubt

I swear to god I'm trying
But my lungs can barely move
Trying to breathe you in
But there isn't much space

There's so much
sadness in
my hands
the way they
hang so lazily

the way they do not
have fine
control or careful
touch

There's sadness in my hands
the hands that held
you
that rubbed your drying
skin and warmed your
biting bones

There's sadness in my hands
where I hope the memory
remains
of you in robes of blue
and the last words that
I said to you.