Shaking
Ever so violently
I hope nobody notices
Quaking
Ever so forcibly
I dare not move
Trembling
Ever so timidly
I hope nobody approaches
Quivering
Ever so fearfully
I hope somebody sees me
Whispering
Ever so softly
I hope they heard me
Speaking
Ever so nervously
I hope they reply
Screaming
Ever so harshly
I'm here! Why can't they see me?
Why can't they hear?
Where is my voice?
My lips, why won't they part?
There's a storm raging inside of me
I want it to stop
I can't make it stop
Why won't it stop!?
People are all around me
Why am I alone?
How am I alone?
I don't want to be alone
Everything begins to dim
The permeating darkness won't stop closing in
I can't see anyone or anything
I can feel something
Something I never felt before
It's so heavy
It's so tight
What is this weight on me?
Where is this pressure coming from?
Around my ankles
Around my wrists
Around my neck
There's something covering my mouth
I can't breathe
A sudden pain in my chest
My heart is enwrapped in thorns
This piercing pain is too much
Relieve me
Make it stop
Somebody save me
Now the pulling
Something is pulling at my heart
With each beat, the thorns pierce away
The pulling on my heart scares me
What is it that's pulling?
My mind is a blank
My mind is silent
My mind is lost
My heart slows its pace
My heart is weary
My heart stopped
I am defeated
The pulling starts again
Where is it coming from?
A faint whisper
I don't understand but my heart jumps
Shouts and screams of hatred and defilement echo harshly in my ears
When did they return? Did they ever stop? Did I just go numb?
They're drowning out the whispering
I want to hear it
I want to know what it said!
There are eyes within the darkness
They're glaring at me
They hate me
They want to destroy me
Somebody help me
Somebody save me
Invisible hands reach out and begin to touch me
They're disgusting and terrifying
They're clawing at me
Arguing...the shouters are arguing over me...
Who gets what piece of me
I don't know what to feel
I don't know where to turn
I'm ready for them to decide
I'm ready for them to destroy me
I just want this to end
Another feint whisper
"I..."
My heart jumps again
It's still too loud
Why do they have to be screaming?
Why does this voice have to whisper?
"I am...and..."
It's coming through clearer
I'm trying to block out their evil words
I throw my hands over my ears
The whispering continues to grow clear
My heart has started again
The pulling I felt was the thorns being removed
"I am the...truth...the...I..."
The words aren't flowing through my ears
They're flowing through my heart
What is this sensation?
The clawing away has stopped
The eyes are turning away
I can see a light above me
It's so far away
"I am the way, the truth...the...and I..."
I'm reaching out, but the chains are too heavy
I can't reach
I can't get close
I'm crying out but my voice won't do a thing
Tears are streaming down my face
I don't want to die
My eyes shut in defeat once again
There's no way I can ever reach that light
What do you mean I don't have to...?
I open my eyes and the light is before me
A hand is reaching out of it towards me
"I am the way, the truth, the life, and I love you."
He grabs my hand in His
The shackles around my limbs break
The weight is gone
I feel lighter than I ever felt
I'm surrounded by the light now
It's warm
I feel calm
Where once I would tremble and quake
I was now still
Where once I felt ignored
I felt adored
When once I felt alone no matter how many people were around me
Now there were none, but I knew that I was not alone
I knew people would still hate me but it no longer matters because...
I'm loved by Him.

We are constantly blinded to true beauty, blinded to the light in good. We fall into darkness, we feel alone & we feel like we're not good enough. We feel like we can't measure up, and we get scared that we won't be excepted in the world. What we don't ask our self is why would we ever want to be excepted into this cold place called home. A place where beauty can only be judged by appearances, but in reality beauty is so much more. We take all these flawless things for granted, and we pass them up every day. We have eyes, but we choose not to see. We don't focus on the small things in life like the simplicity and the utterly outstanding beauty, we just focus on objects and what a person has. I know what it feels like to be unhappy, to be judged by how you look and to fake a smile at school. To act like everything is fine but really inside it's killing you. You just want to break down and let it all out but you just can't. So why is this world so fake, why do we judge each other, why are we mean? Life isn't to fulfill desire, but rather to eliminate it. To eliminate what you are told you need to have.

I don't understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it hurts just the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second of their time with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working it out.

i drink
not to forget,
but to relive
my former life; my spotless mind
i drink to see
the other me, before
the pills and knives
and screaming cries
hatred is consuming me
and the worst part is,
i love it.

I've fallen for your laugh, which is utterly contagious.
I've fallen for your smile, which makes me giddy for no reason at all.
I've fallen for our late night talks, when 1 am arrives far too quickly.
I've fallen for our jokes, which I'll remember days later and burst into laughter.
I've fallen for how you can make my day better, even if I wanted to cry a minute before.
I've fallen for every second I get to spend with you, even if those seconds will always leave me wanting more.

make you pancakes
kiss you
remind you everyday of how much I love you
read you books
watch movies with you
draw you pictures
take pictures with you
cuddle with you
hug you
hold your hand
make you coffee
tell you all my secrets
write you love letters
send you good morning texts
**love you unconditionally

i get sad because

you are                                                              ­                                        and i am
  over                                                        ­                                                      over
  ther­e                                                                ­                                             here

                                                     when we should
                                                        be­ **together