"Falling for me was your fault"

His words sting as they touch my thighs
and
burn as they open my legs.

I love it when it rains.
I love it when it pours, and lightning and thunder crash down,
hard. I love it when the noise of the thunder quiets down the crashing plates and pans, because dad got a little tipsy tonight. I love it when I can run outside and completely ruin my day-to-day appearance. oh if only you knew how much I hate how I look everyday. when I can play in the rain, but only when no one is around. I can't let people believe I'm a child, again.
I love it when I'm alone.
I love it when the silence becomes so much that my thoughts are screaming at me like someone attending their favorite artists concert. I love it when I finally get the hint. I get the hint and shut up and put myself on mute. I always end up cracking, I can't help but spill the things that take place at night. Night. Don't you just love night? when the moon has rose and the stars are out. you receive those, "you up" texts. people are asleep and its just you sitting outside, running outside. running.
running is just beautiful, isn't it? amazing how you're feet can take you places, places you didn't know you wanted to go. you can leave, take off and never return if you'd like, but my feet always end up at you're door. and when you're done being pleased, my little feet run home. there's only a few tears this time! how exciting! I must celebrate. I'll crack open my newly bought pack of cigs, just to indulge in five at a time. It's just lovely watching the smoke dance. I can't ever get enough.
You can't either. maybe that's why I want you more than you would ever want me, because I can never get enough of you and you can never get enough of the joy you get out of being uh pleased.
what joy I get out of writing though. it's like when you can't speak to the people around you, whomever they are. you can sit and write down whatever you please. I could write about you or I could write about what I didn't eat. I can talk about how low my weights gotten(only a few more pounds to shred!!) or about the lovely book I've been reading.
I don't know where I went with this one though. I don't know where I went. "I don't know who you are" someone told me that and I've never been able to reply(still can't hehe) but I must close this up,
whatever this is. whatever I'm just as confused as you.

i tried to make you understand
that i am nothing like her.
but you only knew her name.
so I turned to leave.
only then did you learn
what my name feels like
in your mouth.

Ever heard the saying our lives are written in the stars? I don't believe it. I believe we aren't alone. We are in control of our lives. We can change the grave that was dug for us. We make an impact. Even in small ways. Every life is relevant. No matter how big or small. I'm going to rewrite the stars. Because I'm tired of not fighting for the things I want or believe in. I just let go if I get it in my head that it's impossible or that it will fail. That it's written in the stars. But I'm rewriting the stars. They think it's easy. But there are still days where I think about things. Where I still want to run to somebody I cant. Days, where I think I cant, rewrite my stars. But I can. I'm going to.
--text from my brother at 11:46 p.m.

they tell me to just forget about him
that i shouldn’t let someone
as dumb as him
ruin my life
they don’t understand
i’ve been trying to forget him
since february
i can’t do anything about the fact
that every time I close my eyes
i see him, feel him
he lives in my nightmares
i just want it to end

when i look
in his eyes,
i see the stars.
every single one.
he's so good,
so sweet.
his smile can literally
light up any room.
he says
he can't believe it.
he says
i'm out of his league.
but,
when i look in the mirror
i look behind my eyes
and i still don't see
a future.
i'm reckless
and insane.
i'm disappointing.
i just can't
go through this
again.

i believe love will find me again,
but i'm not convinced it'll be happily
ever after.

- i don't believe in fairytales

Today the sky is lifeless,
the trees are barren,
and the world feels too quiet.
The sun is nowhere to be found,
no birds are singing,
even the wind is tired of blowing today.  
My body aches to be buried in a pile of blankets,
a warm place where no responsibilities can be found.  
Nothing sounds better than allowing my heavy lids fall shut,
forgetting about the long list of "to do's" sitting on my desk.  
Today, it has been extra hard to exist.