I always suspected electricity
Ran rampant through my veins
To make me dazed and dizzy
But unable to sit still
It made me prone to flights of fancy
So I left giddy trails of sparks
Blazing proof of my restlessness
That once brightly caught your eye

Once your gaze had found my own
My moods came in swooning flares
And you crackled alongside me
Filling my aching, empty silence
With shiny, blessed noise
We burned so beautifully
With my electric fire
And your trilling declamations
Light and sound intertwining
Like thunder that had finally caught up with its lightning

It seemed like Nature's order
A completion of the whole
Two halves that followed each other
Unthinkingly and automatically

So one day when I found silence
It felt like Earth itself was splitting

Panicked, I burned more brightly
Stoked the fire just in case
I feared that I had dimmed
And been the cause of this new quietness
So when I still heard nothing
I thought my efforts insufficient
And I ran my highest currents
Until my wires nearly melted
Thinking the sun and I were comparable
And anticipating a response

And still I heard no trilling
No crackling at my side
So I wondered if perhaps
I had shined beyond your limits
Swiftly, I contracted
Reined in my flares and doused the fire
Thinking sudden darkness
Might just shock you into sound

I finally heard the faintest popping
Not quite the rending that I wanted
But a break from quiet all the same
Afraid of spoiling the moment
I leashed my electricity
Kept myself dim so I could hear you
Though I felt the writhing beneath my skin

It finally became unbearable
So I flashed like wild lightning
Lashed out and struck the ground
Hoping for your thunder
A dark and roiling storm
Swirling raindrops and clouds colliding
And deep, ugly noise

All I wanted was your thunder
But in the end
It was only me yelling
Screaming out for downpours
Alone
Listening to my own echoes
Waiting for you to harmonize

In the end
I was always waiting
Wondering when you'd chosen silence
Wondering why I'd let you dim me
Wondering how it was we'd ever *burned

“Studying at ------- University
Would afford me so many opportunities
That I could not find elsewhere…”

Personal statements are always BS
Filled with flowery phrases that
No one
In her right mind would ever actually use
My sentences had started to look like
A thesaurus had come along
And vomited up last night's party all over them
Who even talks this way?
Who can take himself so seriously as to think
That his pompous-assery would go unnoticed?
Moreover,
Who seriously wants to read all of this
Pretentiousness
Splattered all over the page
As though some English major's senior thesis
Had been brutally murdered?

“I am ready to bring my own
Determination and
Motivation
Into the equation to improve the
Lives of patients.”

I am disgusted with myself
For trying so hard
To impress a committee of nameless, faceless
Academics
To convince them
With fancy words and pretty sentences
That I am the best person ever
The more I write
The more I wonder if it even matters
If it's really so important for me to become a
Well Connected PhD
Doctor of Philosophy
Engineer Extraordinaire
Patients are going to keep dying
And there's no guarantee I can do a **** thing about it

“The Institute of Biomedical Engineering teaches engineers
To work side by side with clinicians to deliver
Meaningful healthcare results.”

Meaningful
Healthcare
Results
What a wonderfully vague phrase
It means nothing, really
Not without context
But it's Impressive and Dynamic
A phrase a committee would salivate over
(Because "drool" is too simple a word for them)
It's not enough for me to just come out and say how
For my entire life
I've dreamed of myself as Superwoman
Armed with engineering skills and a well-stocked lab
Ready to take down human suffering
I just want to heal people
And blood makes me faint
So I can't be a doctor
But I know my way around a lab now
And I can make medicines
In fact, that's all I want to do
Is to make new, better medicines
To grow cells and tissues and cures in my bioreactors
To make someone, anyone's life a little less painful
And these things cannot be told in florid prose
Because these are the messy parts of life
These are the parts that ache and ooze and itch
Keeping us up all night
Until words blur together
And all that's left are limbs and bodies and faces
So you can throw your thesaurus out the window
Because it's of no use here
None of the BS is helping anyone
Pretty words aren't going to make
A failing heart grow back
And this personal statement isn't going to
Purge anyone's cancer from their veins
But this person
Untroubled by higher diction
Might just do something useful

I exist in a world of careful structure
Taken out of Chaos and made habitable
By strict planning and strict ruling—
Structure is imperative
Order keeps us going
Deviations are not allowed

If you wish to live in my world
You must learn to follow rules

Reliability is key
Being dependable as the rising sun
Predictable as a new moon
Always infallible

Disappointments are not tolerated
Insufficient will be cast away
Deviations are not allowed
So if you can’t be trusted
Then you don’t belong here

There will be order in my house
For in games of two, there can be no others

There
Are
Rules
And they exist to keep us out of Chaos
They exist because structure
Ensures that we don’t collapse
So when your eyes are wandering
You are marking yourself as inconstant
Dangerous
Unacceptable
And I will stop at nothing
Until you’ve suffered for every sweetness you’ve laid at another’s feet
I will stop at nothing
Until you’ve learned that you must always choose me

I will burn you for every betrayal
And some will call me jealous

One day, I found myself falling like Alice
But without a white rabbit
Just me
Alone
Abruptly tumbling down
The floor having been decidedly yanked from beneath me

I found plummeting both terrifying and boring
The same panic over and over
Gets old after a time
Yet the bottom was little better
Devoid of a fluffy tail to follow
I have no guide in this empty place
Walled in with my thoughts
Hoping for a path to Wonderland

"Drink Me"

I'm not sure how I got here
Searching endlessly for answers
To questions that I have not even posed
Gazing helplessly at the chasm
Wondering if I can back out

"Someday you'll be Queen of Wonderland
Drink Me"

I was certain I could play the long game
Persevere to be better off in the end
Yet I lay here ******-knuckled
Having beaten solid rock
Hoping it would turn into
A Door

"You'll never leave if you don't hurry
Drink Me"

I hear tic-tock-ing through the walls
And I'm sure it's just the pressure now
I'm never getting out of here
No amount of wracking my brain
Will produce an escape plan
And it does not seem as though any creature
Will be appearing to assist
I am never getting out of here

"Don't be frustrated
Drink Me"

"Feeling stuck?
Drink Me"

"Drink Me"

"Drink Me"

"Drink Me"

I have wearied of grand romances
Of deep sighs and swooning trances
Of doting gentlemen’s advances
And all manner of courtship play
I am tired of love confessions
And of dizzied, dazed professions
And of unrestrained obsessions
I grow sicker day by day

I once dreamed of adoration
Went quite mad for veneration
Laughing, flirting with temptation
The queen in Camelot
The lonely, lovely Guinevere
Dainty-masked with girlish fear
But when King Arthur wasn’t near
Dreaming of Sir Lancelot

These days I want no noble knight
Despite my seeming helpless plight
I wish to set myself aright
And tread upon the ground
Yet here I am, pedestal-high
Too close to the dazzling sky
As my life keeps passing by
And boys keep running round

I’ve let myself grow much too proud
Drew up arrogance from the crowd
Heard the cheering, bright and loud
The queen in Camelot
And though I had my faithful Sir
Still my heart was all astir
With flying fancies, all a blur
For Guinevere and Lancelot

These fantasies have grown too old
I’d rather let my bed grow cold
For I have wearied of being told
“You are mine to keep”
Men have tired me to the core
Left me sad and sick and sore
And have turned into such a chore
And I’d much rather sleep

What blasphemy for a maiden fair
To toss such doting to the air
To turn away without much care
Though queen in Camelot
But I have withered, I have tired
Felt as if my brain’s been mired
And find not Arthur much desired
Nor dashing Lancelot

Is it so bad to want respite
From endless longing, day and night?
This constant charm becomes too trite
With ever staler tone
I only wish to rest a while
Recover from incessant guile
Forget the weight of lovers’ trial
And simply be alone

They said the fairest of the goddesses
Was the one to give us love,
The one to fetch the maidens
And bring the boys their girls.
What they meant by fair was beautiful,
Not just or right or equitable,
For it hardly seems fair
That she's a goddess,
Enthroned on a mountain with a mirror in her hand
And we're all of us mere mortals,
Hapless humans,
With our ribcages wide open,
With no bone to shield our vulnerable ventricles
And no sense to tell us to cover our chests.
It's no wonder that this otherworldly seduction
Can ****** us
And string us along
And consume us
Until we forget what life was
Before love caught us.

It seems impossible
That these frail, impermanent bodies
Can hold such ethereal infatuation;
It's too strong,
So it ravages us,
Strips away dignity,
Rips away common sense,
And seizes all control.
Our little human selves
Never stood a chance.

Tell me, Aphrodite,
Does it make you laugh to watch us struggle?
From your lofty vantage point,
Do you giggle when the rational become foolish,
When the thinkers become unfocused,
When the innocent become broken?
Does it please your fair reflection
When those devoted mortals go to ungodly lengths
For this love that you inflict,
Until they have nothing left of themselves,
Until they're worn to the very bones
That couldn't protect their unsuspecting hearts?

Do you revel in the irony,
Aphrodite,
When, exhausted and dejected
And downright tortured,
They still worship you?
When they bow
And sacrifice
In gratitude?
When we miserable mortals
Thank you for these feelings that destroy us,
Because for tiny moments
We felt transcendentally good.

Perhaps she'd had better intentions,
That goddess Aphrodite,
Thought that she was filling our open hearts
With something to give them meaning.
Maybe she thought
We'd left our ribcages open on purpose,
That we'd all simply been waiting for her,
Wondering when she'd reach down her power
And give us a love to cling to.
Or,
It could be that she had it right,
That our chests were left gaping
And our hearts were left empty
So that Aphrodite could look away from her mirror,
Smile from the clouds,
And send us someone to make us whole.

Without right and wrong
There is only power
This is how I rule my kingdom

Mortal men are flighty
Their tempers quick to change
The smallest spark ignites their anger
And sends them burning worlds to ashes

His land is mine
His wife is mine
His riches are mine

I teach them how to take

Without bloodlust
There is no power
This is how I rule my men

They bow and pray in temples, but
Their willing sword decides the victor
Where blinding fury reigns the strongest
There, too, you’ll find my favor

O God of War, let me destroy them!
O Ares, Ares, bring me glory!
O Ares, bring me victory!

I teach them *******

Without bloodshed
I have no power
This is how I rule my subjects

Bleeding bodies soaking battlefields
All are offerings, sacrifices
Gifts made for my favor
And the glory of my name

I’ll take it all by force of sword
Slash and burn until it’s mine
There’s no mercy from my hands

I teach them how to war

Once for Halloween
I dressed up as Athena
The Greek goddess
My favorite Greek goddess
And it was a decent costume
Your standard iParty fare
Paired with an elaborate hairdo and some 50 cent earrings
And I knew I was only a cheap imitation
Nothing close to the real thing
For no one would ever build me a temple
Burn cattle in my name
Put on white robes and fall to their knees
For me
No, not for me
But for Athena
Oh, how they fell!
How the ancient Greeks worshipped her very name
Gave her their capital city
And dedicated the most powerful force to her
Wisdom
That force which drove the philosophers
The very energy
That sustained Socrates
And Plato
And Aristotle
And all those dead guys we read about in class

I was in a class
Reading the words those dead guys collected
In their moments of clarity
But all I could think about
All I really wanted
Was to throw on a white robe
And fall to my knees at the Parthenon
Begging for wisdom, wisdom
Please, Athena, some wisdom!
I don't care if it's heresy
I don't care if you're a myth nowadays
Because you once reigned
You once stood on Mount Olympus
In all your ancient power
And watched your people crying out wisdom, Athena, wisdom!
Please!

I wish
I could have been there
I wish I could have seen
The day the goddess cracked open Zeus's skull
And was born
Fully armed
Ready for her battle
Not the fight for wisdom, no
The fight she faced was undying
The war she would lead
Would ripple through the ages
Taking all civilizations
And tearing at their social order
For it was the men she was fighting
The disbelieving fools who put her *** down
Taking all women's wisdom
And deeming it inferior
Substandard
Not good enough
So Athena blazed in glory
And for her, men believed
Believed in their mothers and wives and daughters
Saw in that enthroned goddess
The sparks that fueled women's minds

Yes, I wish I'd been there
I wish I could have kissed her sword
And asked her to stick around
To blaze her way to the twenty-first century
And make these guys tremble, too
Instead
I look around my 80% male college of engineering
And wonder why I need to prove my worth
Simply because I have a second x chromosome
I wish that I could blaze in glory
And dazzle them all the same
That my Halloween costume could be enough to fool them
That they would turn their toga-party bedsheets
Into white robes
And fall to their knees
Gasping, "Wisdom, wisdom!"
And that, for one moment
I could be their goddess

I once drew lots to find the spot
Where I would raise my shining throne
No lofty palace was fated mine
For I am king of gloom and bone
Deep in the earth was my dominion
No light to ever grace my eyes
In darkness stale I would be reigning
While brothers ruled the seas and skies

I didn't want this morbid kingdom
Resented my netherwordly throne
But soon I found I had great power
For all must fall to gloom and bone
Their shades will float across my river
Echoes of what can no longer be
None escapes the world of Hades
For even kings must kneel to me

All men of Zeus must heed my calling
Death will take them to my throne
And Poseidon's waves will swallow many
Mortals to meet their gloom and bone
No god can claim as much as I
My kingdom can only grow with time
For I never return what I've acquired
And every soul is one day mine

There was something heartbreaking in his gaze.
Looking into his eyes
Was like watching every good and perfect thing in this world
Shatter.
It was as though
All the stars had fallen out of the sky
And splintered into glittering fragments all over the ground.
It was as though
The sun and the moon had collided,
Raining shining pieces all over the earth.
Looking into his eyes,
I felt my very being
Shattering,
Being pulled asunder by his loneliness.

And it was exciting.

I felt my heart quicken,
Pounding fast with the prospect
Of watching the world end over
And over again.
I knew this was the kind of loneliness
That gnawed at the world from its foundations,
Prowling like an un-mourned soul
And, in its brooding solitude,
Whipped up the howling winds that keep children up at night.
In all my sun-drenched life,
I had never seen a darker being.
I had never been this intoxicated by a mere gaze.

I had never known a bitterness so strong.

My world was all sweet harvests and smiling flowers,
But when he touched me,
It felt as though I'd stuffed my mouth with dandelion greens.
My taste buds protested but my body thrilled,
Reveling in his Armageddon eyes.
His fingertips were ice,
Trailing down my goose-pimpled skin,
And I knew I was the first hot-blooded woman he'd held.
I wanted to add fire to his shattered soul.
I wanted to watch the fragments of the world
Smoldering when he looked at me.
I wanted to feel his fierce loneliness grab me by the hair
And set my heart aflame.

And he did.

As I watched the heavens colliding,
I offered all the heat of my veins,
And he drank it in like the gods guzzle nectar.
He slipped his arm around my waist
And ferried me across the River Styx.
So I watched the world end,
One soul after the other,
Cooling slowly from revelry
To bitterness
As he burned with borrowed flames.
I dreamed about supernovas,
Stars exploding out of the sky.
I'd been so quick to trade sunshine for his eternal night,
Never considering that I'd be getting nothing in return.

I wondered if my gaze had begun to shatter.

You should never forget the sharp lash of his temper
The way he wraps himself with words to
Tower
Over you
The calculated battering at the edges of your mind
"You are fragile. You are pathetic. You are broken."

Whether you have the strength to wait out the siege
Or whether you strike back
Or whether you finally crumble
You will catch scorn for it all
The only thing the world wants to see
Is an obedient woman
Silently taking blows

You should never forget
That they only want the bruises blooming across your flesh
And the smile that says that all is well

When the loneliness
Starts to suffocate you
Starts to squeeze your lungs
To claw your throat
To smother you with the weight
Of all the lives you're
Not living
Remember
Those could-have-beens are
Poison
You will never breathe again
Until you bleed them out
Cough them up
Shriek them into the abyss

Scream, darling
Scream for yourself
Howl until
Your sobs no longer feel like a
Feral creature
Tearing your limbs from a body
That has forgotten how to hold itself

Remember
You are choosing yourself
Even if you have to
Rebuild each of your bones
The growing pains won't last forever
The loneliness won't **** you
You are limping towards a life
That won't keep choking you
A life where you can finally
Fly
Throw your head back under the sun
And know what it is to be
Free

I am champagne bubbles
And fairy wings
And confetti sprinkles
And heart-thudding bass
And dizzy melody
And all the shining city lights that show you the
Way home

I am all these things
And every floating, giddy thought
15 again
For the first time in forever
Painting glitter on every horizon
Because I can't contain the smiles on my lips

She's lost in wilds unexplored
     Far from dreamers' shining lands
In misty moors where even Sleep
     Lets fall his useless magic sands
There is no rest for mortals here
     For fools who play where Faeries tread
On Faerie roads, in Faerie lands
     The world is turned upon its head
Her stride is sure, yet she is not
     Perception is the Faeries' game
Sending visions, glamours, ghosts
     Illusions wailing out her name
A fearful girl along the roads
     Will bargain for most anything
And here, the threshold of Lost Hope
     Is purview of the Raven King
The Raven King! The Raven King!
     She fell in wonder at the sight
As castles grew before her eyes
     And wild dark turned blinding bright
He led her to the winding halls
     She rushed down cobbles Faeries tread
She gulped the dizzying Faerie wine
     And took the proffered Faerie bread
They swept her up in swirling dance
     For frenzied days, she whirled along
In drunken time, she stumbled to
     The beat of Faerie's wild song
And, wilder still, her heart would drum
     Excited in the glittered haze
As Fae lay stardust in her eyes
     And drew her with their feral gaze
But wait--why did her weary bones
     Resist the Fae's beguiling thrall?
Even as her mind was pulled to
     Pirouette the Endless Ball
Dissonance--a spell had snapped
     She scrabbled at the gilded walls
"Is this to be my cage?" she called
     Across the King's ethereal halls
She couldn't sleep; she couldn't rest
     Paced and fretted, cried aloud
But she had bargained, drunk the wine
     And for the Raven King now bowed
"You made the bargain, mortal girl
     You said the words and you were bound
You called out for the Raven King
     When you were lost on Faerie ground."
She'd never known the ancient laws
     The tricky ways of binding rites
The way the Fae could draw you in
     With silvered tongue and phantom sights
The Faeries laughed; the Faeries danced
     They brought her back under their spell
She didn't fight--their dazzling daze
     Was better than a living hell
So there she stays, a wayward girl
     Heartsick, lost, and trapped in Fae
A fearful girl along the roads
     Who bargained her whole life away

This time of night
Is an old trap
Familiar
And dog-eared
And well-worn
And haunted

Nothing good happens after two
—it's a funny little adage—
And I'm a funny little insomniac
Begrudgingly listening to my racing
Heart
In the silence
The restlessness gathering
Storms beneath my skin
Lightning sparking wildly across my mind

This is the hour of madness
This
This is when
E v e r y t h i n g
Unravels
And all I can do
Is hope my muscles stay stuck to my bones
Hope my veins stay caged in my skin
Hope my lungs stay expanding against the weight
Of the darkness

I can’t get the sand out of my shoes
It’s been weeks
And I’ve been hitting them
And shaking them
And knocking them around
But still
I can feel the grit with every step
So I still can’t get the beach
Or you
Off my skin

With you, there was no warning
I went from drifting languidly along in the sunshine
To being tossed against the rocks in a sudden hailstorm
Shocked and battered and lost
Disoriented in the downpour
When I’d had the promise of clear skies

I’m not sure I’ll trust the weatherman again
He’s got your eyes and voice and disarming smile

I’ve been trying to get the salt out of my ponytail
I’ve been trying to get the feel of rock out of my hands
I’ve been trying to get this ****** sand
Out of my shoes
But it’s so sticky
Everything
Is so sticky
And here I am in the biggest mess
With hair and skin and mouth
So full of you
That I don’t know how to escape
My tongue is still recoiling
From the half-truths you spilled
Tinged with sweat and cinnamon
And slime
And here I am still choking on them
Retching
Just to get rid of the taste
Gnawing at my lips
Just to break the skin that knows you
Scrubbing myself raw
Just to keep you from clinging

My ears are buzzing with your nonsense
And I am running from the noise
Bolting with everything that I have
As sand grinds against my feet
And I will be ****** and breathless before I stop
Because I need the distraction
As much as the distance
I can’t keep reliving your kisses
With every stubborn grain
I can’t keep wondering if you’re lying
Every time I turn my back
I can’t keep playing this game
Because we’ve all already lost
So I will not apologize for taking the high road out of here
And leaving you to sulk with your I-didn’t-mean-to’s
And your too-little-too-late revelations
There were a lot of ways this could have ended
But I never once imagined you would have brought storms to my doorstep
I never expected to be trying determinedly to peel my skin off
And I never thought I’d be sitting here wishing to forget your name

I told her I was late
Because I had a meeting.
She went to tell my mother
I was in for a beating.

Mother’s furious when I come home.
She tells me what was said
And informs me that I’m grounded
And that I’m not to leave my bed.

But that’s not what I said!
—Are you calling her a liar!?
No, she must have just misunderstood!
The situation’s not so dire!

But nonetheless I find myself
Locked up in my room,
On the phone telling him
That I wish to be released soon.

He said what she said wasn’t fair,
That I shouldn’t be in trouble.
Unfortunately, he said, he knows
That what she said counts for double.

The next day we said what went on
And they heard loud and clear,
But what they said to her and him
To the truth was no where near.

So he said she said you said what?
And they said we said I said that!?
Oh no you did not just say
That he dared to call me fat!

But he said he wants my number,
But you said he said something more.
Then she said they said my mom’s back
To make me do my chores.

Why would my mother come here
To tell me what to do?
Because he said we said they said that
I’m going out with you.

Link the two events together.
You’ll find there is no way.
The he-said-she-said gossip mess
Is how we spend our days.

Yet no explanation do we find
For the crazy things they said,
Nor do we know why we say
Whatever pops into our heads.

So when rumors are flying, left and right,
And pronouns start replacing names,
Beware what he said she said you all said;
You’ll get caught in gossip games.

It’s like when you’re little
And you notice yourself breathing
And wonder if you’ve been breathing this whole time
Or if it only happens when you think about it
Well, I’ve been thinking much too hard for a long time
So hard that I didn’t notice
The world forming a routine around me
And my unconscious willingness to fall in line

The girl who shunned the lemmings
Followed the crowd all the same

I considered myself a product of anxiety
Not a victim
Not a survivor
But the result of
Someone who thrived on frenetic energy
As worries danced out a stuttering tachycardia

This is the life I was given
Though I prayed for days of calm
Prayed for the safety of routine and predictability
And the comfort they would hold
For I am afraid of nearly everything
So I have been wishing for days without fear
Bowed my head under the Heavens and cried in all the languages I have
Peace, paix, ειρηνη

It was in the pursuit of peace
That I blindly accepted all offers of security
Built myself up with grades and responsibilities and qualifications
With the assurance it would be worth it in the long run
Suddenly I saw the boredom I had asked for
And felt no relief
No comfort
Just the paralyzing fear that I’d settled for a life I did not want

My trembling limbs were made for anxiety
But I’ve been bingeing it
So the lack thereof is just
Empty
It would seem I am addicted to frenzy
Though I always want out
A pendulum between the extremes
Never resting on moderation
Never resting
Period

I’ve been playing perfect princess
Glittered-up to keep them guessing
Breaking my back and sweating daily
To build a throne to lord it over

I was thinking, on a pedestal
Life would never let me down

They said petulance would be my undoing
Jealousy my unraveling
And unrelenting childishness the block that toppled the tower

I fell hard one day and wondered
If it was really worth the work

I’ve been losing myself in pieces
Bits of fluff that swiftly scattered
Torn away by city wind tunnels
And the terror of disappointment

All I have left are sticky feelings
The worst bits that wouldn’t stray

This city has me restless
Turning circles in my bedroom
Wishing for a different skyline, different season, different shore

If I weren’t averse to running
I’d be miles away by now

Yet the pavement has been calling
Has been tempting me to sprinting
Flying down an empty highway
With the hope of something more

Same old same old has me snapping
Lashing out at all I know

I’ve become uneven compromise
Tried to spare myself the conflict
But ended up too vexed to enjoy things either way

I’ve been dreaming, still, of running
Though I’m scared of what I’d find

It seemed like a story
For Schrödinger
Time and distance ensured that
They were
All things and
Nothing
At once
And, in this way, they stayed in perpetual orbit
She wondered if
In another life
     In another place
          Time
               Universe
Their lives would have intersected
Instead of diverging
     Unrequited
To haunt her with all that could have been

It was the bitterest irony
When at last their paths swerved together
That both hearts had already been spoken for
Somewhere
     The Fates were surely cackling
          As the air hung heavy
               With all the possibilities
                    That died on the vine
Because time was never on their side

How could one even cry for something they’d never had?
She found herself heaving uncontrolled sobs
Shaking with unfettered grief
In mourning
     For all the things
          She had wanted to live
All the bright dreams of their teenage years
That had seemed so perfect
Shattered by the bitterness of
Growing up
And that old ******* Father Time

If she were honest with herself
She’d admit it was not him
She actually loved all these years
But all the things he might have been
—or rather—
All the things she might have been with him
What a different life she might have had if
     One day
          She had followed her
               Wild teenage love
Instead of living in this cosmic joke

She’ll never know
But she’ll heave sobs
For all the parallel lives she is not living
And the orbit she will return to
Knowing she’ll never be satisfied
     She’ll always wonder
          Always be gazing off
               Trying to glimpse a galaxy
Where things turned out better

I was twisting a water bottle
Shredding the label with my fingernails
And keeping it away from your enthusiastic dog
I’d been here before
And I would be here again
Holding back tears as an unlikely friend held me together
I had too many loose ends
And you tied knots with an engineer’s efficiency
For all your teasing
I’d never realized you were a nice guy
Taking me in like the silly wretch that I was
And letting me stay until I felt I could hold my head up again
I convinced myself I had you figured out
Tall and tough but secretly compassionate
A closet empath who impressively tossed words around a notebook page
I let everything bouncing around in my head
Tumble out into your scarred hands
And I assumed you had done the same
So that I could finally see the truth trapped in that lofty mind

It’s funny
I’ve come to realize that I never really knew you the way I thought I did
You’ve always played a concealed hand
Showing me the occasional queen of hearts
But only when you wanted me to see
It’s disappointing
Because you know me too well
I dissected my heart muscles so you could read the struggles scrawled across them
Sitting in your kitchen
All those days
I showed you all the insecurities etched across my skin
Raw and red and burning with the desperation
To be noticed
I wish I could have taken some of your scars
In exchange for all my scribbles
You patiently accepted all the scraps of myself I tossed at you
And I wanted to return the favor
I wanted to read whatever you had penned across your ventricles
I wanted you to flay open your mind so that I might understand

I may have wanted too much of you
Forgetting that not everyone is a frenetic tangle of feelings
Forgetting that I’m just a frazzled, insignificant girl
Who wants to save the world on force of will alone

Sitting in your kitchen
From time to time
You told me you believed in me
So I believed I could do it
I only wish I’d known enough to do the same for you

Most people look like they wouldn’t survive a storm.
They are flimsy,
Full of half-truths and half-meanings,
Half-substance that will surely wash away in a good downpour.

I am always spilling raindrops,
Thus I am dangerous to the masses.

It was snowing the night I felt myself
Slipping
And looking at you truly for the first time—
Not a blizzard,
Just a gentle dusting,
Flakes drifting lazily in the excitable wind—
And I assumed that you,
Like everyone else,
Were just dazzled by dreamlike sparkle,
But would flee when the real storm came.
Your presence was a comfort,
So for weeks I played weatherman,
Tried to hold back inclement weather
Lest I wake to find you gone.

But Nature is inevitable,
So I found hurricanes for days.

I’d been painting
Love
On my lips since pre-school,
But you were the first to press it there
And make it stick.
You were the first to see the storm gathering
And stay until the clouds cleared,
Though my ears were mad with thunder
And my limbs were sparking lightning
And all my world was dark and cloud and sheets of pouring rain.

Slick with raindrops,
You pushed the bangs out of my eyes
And said that all was well.

These are all the things I can never tell you
Because I have the worst timing
And I’m way too late
And honestly you’re better off without me
Life with me is not easy
Life with me is like being trapped on a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean
In a thunderstorm
All crashing and thrashing and tidal waves
I exist at the extremes
Skipping all grey area
And dragging everyone under with me
You are better off on dry land

I will never tell you any of this
Because I don’t want you to be tempted to jump in after me
I don’t want you to drown
But I am self-indulgent
So I will tell it to strangers
I will shout to a room of unfamiliar faces
That I can’t stop thinking about you
…******* it
I cannot stop thinking about you
And how I made so many stupid decisions
And how it’s my own **** fault that you drifted away
Because I wanted you to move on
And the moment you did
I became a shipwrecked idiot
With nothing to show for my efforts but a sunburn and a head full of delusions

How did I even get here?

I know I should let it go
Abandon all thoughts of rescue and come up with Plan C
But still, I can’t stop thinking about you
And I wish you would jump in after me

For some reason
I remember Snoopy
—Don't ask me why
             For I couldn't tell you—
I remember the Snoopy t-shirt
She wore
And that I got really excited
Because I love Snoopy

It's strange
What you remember
What bits and pieces you keep
I remember her reading
Shyly spilling words at the front of the room
And everyone
—Everyone—
Leaning in to hear
That soft, enchanting voice

I remember keys
Lots and lots of keys
A whole hand of them, in fact
An art project I watched emerge
As she wielded a hot glue gun

It's mostly the poetry I remember
—And her smile
            But who doesn't?—
I can see her standing at the mic
Enthralling her audience
Mesmerizing them
Keeping them hanging on her every word
She was a star
There was no doubt
A poetic star
We talked through her poetry once
Tweaked it here and there
Changed some tenses
Fixed some commas
But most importantly
We decided
That when "night sloughed off its veil"
It should be day
Once more

When she opened the door and saw him standing there
Her first thought was
Holy crap he's so obsessed that he swam the Atlantic!
Well, his hair was dry
So she realized this thought was not reasonable,
But she couldn't formulate a second thought
Because that's when the shock started to set in
And all she could say was
"You exist!"
Awestruck,
Reaching out to make sure he was solid.
It was just like she'd imagined.
His lithe, ******-trained body stood less than an inch
Above her own over-worked and over-fed frame,
And his brogue-heavy voice tumbled out
Without a type-face to give it cadence:
"You exist, too…"
Palm to palm they stood there,
Staring wonderingly at the other,
Unconsciously twining their fingers as though,
If they didn't hold on,
They'd flicker out like a computer shutting down.

On her fifteenth birthday she'd told him
"I'll be eighteen in three years. Then I'll come see you."
And in those days
The Atlantic Ocean didn't seem like such a big thing.
It seemed that its breadth was just a story moms told to keep their kids from wandering off,
From sneaking out and stone-skipping across its waves
Until they splashed up on some foreign beach.
Dimly, she thought she could flatten herself out
And fling her body so that she'd bounce her way across the ocean
Right to his door.
In those days
She was leashed by a modem,
Bound by the words typed out in real-time;
"I can't wait until I'm eighteen. We'll finally see each other."

On her eighteenth birthday,
She no longer wore her computer collar,
And she wasn't thinking about him
Or the Atlantic.
But looking at him standing in her foyer,
She couldn't quite remember
When two screens and a modem
Became too fragile to bridge two continents.
Virtual hugs crumbled under real life kisses;
LOL couldn't replace actual laughter;
Emoticons couldn't replace ****** expressions.
For all that she loved him,
Something was missing,
Lost in IP addresses and chat rooms,
Only to be found again
Dropping its luggage on her bedroom floor.

I have been craving that which I know will make me sick.

Already,
The mere thought has my stomach roiling,
Insides twisting in displeasure,
Heart pounding out its discomfort,
Head aching in protest;
My fever keeps climbing
But I can't take a hint,
For it seems there's no proper immune response
For desire,
No thorough little antibodies to drive the thought away,
Just a full body reaction,
A rebellion of the senses,
Near anaphylaxis;

It would seem that I'm allergic to you.

But Benadryl and epinephrine are of no use to me
Since it's this wanting that's the problem,
Stumbling over myself just to see you smile,
All the while tying my intestines into impossible knots.
I know that you're no good for me,
But like a dizzy, desperate ******,
I can't cut myself off,
Can't force myself to stop chasing you
Though you cause my airways to constrict.

I've been waking up with jaw aches
Throbbing pains all through my teeth
And they told me it's a stress reaction
So calming down should bring relief
But how on earth could I be calm
When you're a *****, dogged thief?

Yes, you've stolen my attention
Snatched it tightly in your grasp
Roped your doting all around my neck
Clipped it up with Cupid's clasp
Laid my head on sultry promises
That leak poison like an asp

I've been eating up your venom
****** it down like Diet Coke
It's been pooling in my bloodstream
Since the first time that we spoke
Belaboring my breathing
Like determined, heady smoke

Yes, I'm finding you're quite toxic
But I can't resist this blight
Even though it makes my hands shake
And leaves me tossing through the night
Restless with the thoughts you gave me
And expecting no respite

I've been courting green-eyed monsters
Burning hot with jealous flares
Letting trivial words consume me
With their petty, jeering dares
Making messes with my mind games
And my overwhelming cares

Yes, you're making me quite anxious
And I really must confess
You've enthralled me so completely
With these feelings you profess
And though I try to block you out
I can't help but obsess

I've been hoping you would tell me
All the thoughts trapped in your mind
Because lately I've been guessing
Since your meanings aren't aligned
And I cannot yet determine
If your intentions are unkind

Yes, I'm hoping you're still feeling
How you did those years before
Though part of me can't take it
And another part's still sore
Because another part still craves you
And couldn't love you more

I am a planet knocked out of orbit
Officially space-junk
And a hazard to the universe
Left with no gravity anchor
Just frightening velocity and the panic of empty space

I was not held tightly enough

There is a seizing terror in the hollows of existence
A nightmare in the dark holes where wayward satellites disappear
There is only solitude here
With space-time stretching away, away, away
And nothing trying to bring me back

Stupid girl
What were you thinking?

When the cosmos were rearranging
I thought to find myself a warm body to revolve around
A hopeful path to comfort and stability
A chance to escape the darkness of infinity

I thought to find myself a Sun

As I was inspecting every glittering piece of space rock
One caught me unawares
He pulled me straight into orbit
And I could have fought
But he seemed the brightest body in the sky
So there I was
Happy to be trapped by gravity
Doting on my captor as he shined back at me
This was the exchange
My unwavering attentions
For some heat and some light

I should have known these things can’t be sustained

There is so much energy in a burning sun
But the funny thing about fire
Is that it kills its fuel source
So despite my efforts to keep it going
The Sun found it tiresome to shine
The Sun found it tiresome to entertain a doting planet
And suddenly I found myself rocketing around the galaxy

Stupid girl!
Did you never realize that you are too much?

I have a nasty habit
Of allowing my life to revolve around someone else
Call it obsessive
Call it needy
Call it whatever you want
I should probably just call it delusional
Because it still shocks me every time I get pushed away
For trying to come closer
It’s hard
When something that brilliant means so much to you
You feel very small
And smaller still when it wrenches itself away

The universe is vast
And I am tiny
And I am lost

I wish I could have learned how to navigate alone
Or at least how to care less

You named her “best friend”
And she became the twitch in my eye
She became the wall I began to hurl myself against
Praying that I wouldn’t shatter before she budged

You named me “baby”
And marked me down for what I am
A child who doesn’t like to share
A jealous girl clutching her favorite teddy bear
Who’s one temper-tantrum away from scratching at anyone who’s ever touched him

There are parts of me that I’m afraid of letting you see
Pieces that I cracked in other girls’ mirrors
Trying to be all that was desirable in them
Lately I find myself
Crunched into the corner of her looking glass
Desperate to know how she commands your attention

She seems so harmless
Small and smiley
But I’ve watched her gaze
Seen it try to tear me from your side
So I named her “benzene”
Sweet and cloying
And toxic

I’ve been gagging on her name ever since
Felt it clawing at my throat
Forcing me to either acknowledge her presence
Or choke
Still, I named you “dearest”
And she has been watching me with liquid nitrogen stares
Unreactive but deathly cold
Leaving me goose-bumped and panicked

You sing her name
Oblivious to how it knocks against my ears
How it squeezes my skull until I’m retching
So I named her “migraine”
And every time she is there I am ill
Her name has me ripping out my insides just to stop feeling sick
Wondering how to rewrite myself
So that you won’t crave her attention anymore
How to make myself good enough
So that you won’t need her anymore

You named me “beautiful”
Sighed about getting lost in my eyes
But I noticed
Hers and mine are the same color
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder
When you’re staring into mine
Do you wish they were hers?

Still, you named me “dearest”
“Darling”
“Girlfriend”
You named her “best friend”
I am afraid of what she names you

I see the side of morning
That mere mortals leave alone

Unlike them
I never find myself wrapped safely in a dream
My face covered in silken strands of subconscious
Safe from shining stars
Instead
I’m wide-eyed and wide awake
My mind dancing with the kind of energy
That first set the Earth into orbit
It’s thrilling
And maddening
But mostly exhausting
1 am tugs on the consciousness like an eager puppy
And a sleepless mind doesn’t have the strength
To stay put
So it scatters
Sets itself adrift in swirling darkness
To relive all the memories sparked to life by starlight

Tonight is particularly maddening
For you keep running my thoughts aground
My poor brain keeps bumping into you and faltering
So I can’t help but feel
That your absence is more conspicuous than I’d like to admit
Silly boy
You’ve gone and made me fall too fast
But your desire to keep me didn’t spike at the same rate
Our slopes are all off
Yours a gentle incline
And mine slippery steep like the dreamlessness that traps me
I can’t help but wonder
Why you swathed me in soft kisses to keep me safe from shining stars
If you didn’t mean to see the night through

2 am has a Siren’s song
Seducing my sleepless self
And the rare nights I manage to plug my ears
I dream of dragons
I dream of kings and queens and knights of old
Of chivalrous swords wielded for a lady’s honor
Here
My fears breathe fire
And are cut down by Sir Knight’s steel
It’s a welcome change from my own daily jousting
To have someone notice my tired helplessness
And come to the rescue

I’ve found that’s all I need
Just a little rescuing
For the morning always seems so much softer
When cushioned by a warm body
A knight to close my eyes against the darkness
When my past is breathing fire in my ear
You had seemed so earnest when you whispered
Please tell me you don’t want me to leave
So when I let you stay
Was I a fool to think you were more than just shell-shocked?

In truth
I only have myself to blame
For if I had no expectations
I would never be disappointed
I know that the moon can be dazzling
Especially when reflected off a glittering girl
So I’m sorry if I got sparkles in your eyes
You have to understand
One cannot dote upon the night sky
Without gaining a layer of stardust
I can see how you might have mistaken me for some
Ethereal creature
Some glimmering goddess of old
And so perhaps your absence means you realized
That I’m just another Earthly human with bags under her eyes
Or perhaps it’s so much simpler
And you just got tired of the shine
Either way
It’s 3 in the morning
Sir Knight is nowhere to be found
And I am disappointed

I have sat too long with stars in my eyes
With hopes of staving off the darkness
And yet I found myself one day
Surrounded
Pressed on all sides by a void
That was heavy with emptiness

I wondered how nothing could have such weight
How silence could pound on my eardrums with frantic insistence
Like a two-year-old in a temper tantrum
Out of control and impossible to ignore
As I sat blinking the spots from my vision

I had wanted calm
And instead I found more anxieties
Monsters lurking in my peripherals and the quiet of the night
Worries that stood waiting to ****** me the moment I was alone
I am easy prey
And I was soon caught and bound
Tethered to my bedpost when all I wanted was to run

I never bothered resisting my capture
I never bothered trying to escape
I sat staring out my window
Wondering what normal people do and how they seem to smile
How they find the stamina to survive rainy days
While I droop like a neglected daisy
Unable to stand up and face the morning
When my brightness has been forgotten and allowed to fade

I have been bending
And bending
And bending
And my spine has begun to protest
My vertebrae have grown to resent this inflexible pushing
Starry-eyed, I prayed for compromise
And thought I heard it whisper in the darkness
Only to be let down when I realized it was my own voice
Whispering
Supplying the sounds I wanted
Trying to fill the emptiness with something lighter weight

The world is forgetting how to be gentle
Full of splintered, broken souls
Razor people with razor tongues
And steel through every nerve
They’ve scrawled hatred across the cities
Across the sea and sky and stars
Raised crass and careless Ignorance on a pedestal
And laid laurels on its head

Everyone is watching
Yet no one seems to mourn
Seeking solace in endless bottles
In capsules and gains and blood-debts
Somehow still surprised at the empty world
That cuts at every turn

Us soft-folk
We are bruising
But we are warm in this freezing world

You once knocked the breath out of my lungs
Only to teach me how to get it back
Stuck a mirror to my nose
And said beautiful
Do you see it?
Beautiful!
And I stopped closing my eyes for a second
And breathed

I am not a tranquil person
But in your arms
I am peaceful as the moon
And I am melted
And I am hopeful
And I am the person I thought I’d lost

You once breathed Fate into my ear
And I smiled
For you thought it romantic
But the Fates were never watching
—I made a choice—
And that should be all the more romantic
Because I decided that it was your hand I wanted to hold
And you must have thought the same
Since one day I woke up to you smiling
And another
And another
So these days I could outshine the whole universe
Provided you’re by my side

Blankets cannot hold her
Her mind within her head
Sheets can’t keep her thoughts asleep
Can’t keep her in her bed
                She said
“I’ll sleep tonight, I promise,”
But sleep just slips away
Slides and glides from tired eyes
Dark circles that cheap makeup hides
Restless here
                —She’s tossing—
Restless fear
                —She’s falling—
Not asleep, just in too deep
In swirling thoughts, anxieties
“There’s no time to rest,”
She says
“It’s hard to be the best,”
She says
The best at what?
She wonders, dim
The best are gorgeous, fine and slim
Not fleshy with insomnia
                With dreams that bring cold sweat
Two hours of the night consumed
                Nightmares she won’t forget
“Don’t let it get to you,”
She says
But what she sees as true
Will always, always make it through
Through her mind, straight to her head
                She isn’t safe inside her bed
Dangling by her restless thread
Awake but far too tired, still
                Repose is not an option here
Fatigue is but a minor flaw
                And time is just her greatest fear
Chronophobic pillow fights
Erupt when she turns out the lights
Between her worries and will to sleep
“I just can’t win,”
                She mutters, soft
It’s hard to hold the world aloft
To play at night with dynamite
Awake while bed bugs surely bite

I once said I wanted to waltz across the sun
To swirl among the solar flares
And burst like a supernova

They’d call me bits of space glitter
And I’d be brilliant

Today they call me human
And I find I am fleshy
Neither molten
Nor shining
But volatile all the same

It’s a shame
The heat would have suited me

I am fiery, flighty feelings
Quick to love and fury and sorrow
Quicker still to bubbling crazy
But I am stuck on this ground
With thoughts exploding through the atmosphere
Punching holes in the ozone
And leaving us all to burn

I inflict myself on everyone—
The sun would have suited me

I just want brilliance
But lately
Bright lights give me headaches
So I’ve been condemned to duller shades
Tearing at my skin
In the hopes of a shiny new layer
Restless like a *** about to boil over
Inadequate and dangerous
Like a rocket about to crash

It is a construction crew in your skull
A total cacophony
Noise and dust and pounding
And all you want to do is close your eyes against the world
And sink into soft darkness
Yet your eyes are forced open
Light pouring in at every instant
Searing your retinas until there’s smoke pouring out of your ears
It is sickness
It is madness
It is thrashing for a surface that never gets any closer
It is falling towards a ground that never hits you
It is hurtling towards a supernova and hoping to burn up
Because the heat’s been on you for so long
That combustion would be sweet relief
You've been pounding your head on emptiness
And walked away with nothing but a headache
You've been searching through the rubble
To find the tiniest thing to make you smile
But dust will dull even the brightest shine
And you are too weary to wipe it off

I’m in the business of invention
In the art of new intention
Making something out of nothing
And falling back on no convention

I’m a spontaneous generator
A clumsy, crude, and crazed creator
Deftly dodging laws of physics
And without a moderator

Unchecked I grow my thoughts too fast
Too big, too bold, but built to last
Fed on dregs and trivial words
And made of insecurities vast

I’m in the business of spinning tales
Of conjuring roaring mental gales
Convinced my happiness can’t stick
And swallowed up in false travails

I’m the master of complication
The reigning queen of brute frustration
The duchess of dismantled plans
And dreams that fell to degradation

See, my mind invents its own dismay
And cannot think a simpler way
Assuming all must fall apart
Thus keeping hopefulness at bay

I’m in the business of delusion
Hooked on sinking in confusion
Stuck with a mis-wired brain
That treats all joy like an intrusion

I’m a wild contradiction
Anxious over bits of fiction
Wishing for the chance to breathe
When this rush is my addiction

Worrying is what I know best
Accustomed to distraught unrest
Small wonder that a happy thought
Is treated like a passing guest

Small wonder that my frenzied mind
Assumes that Fate must be unkind
So even when the tides have turned
I cannot leave Distress behind

She hammers out a heartbeat,
Clinging to its sound,
A constant noise to bind her,
To link her to the ground.
To keep her feet from slipping,
She follows it in time,
As though it were her duty,
Her singular design.

All she hears is beating,
Blocking other noise—
No tunes of trifling children,
No giggling girls and boys.
For noises are distractions;
They make a mess of minds.
Distraction likes the clutter—
Against her ears it grinds.

She holds fast to her heartbeat,
Latches to its hand,
But finds it too erratic,
Dribbly, like sand.
Up and down it dips and flies,
Makes her poor head spin,
Sending shivers up her spine
And tremors down her chin.

She’s lost her steady rhythm,
Lost hold of the sound,
The beat that duly held her
Anchored to the ground.
Her mind can’t find its footing—
It panics in its stead,
Lets inconstant rhythms
Muss her weary head,

Lets the twang of heartstrings
Orchestrate her cares,
And tangle with her fancies
And trip her down the stairs.
It sends her stumbling dazedly
Without a steady beat
To keep a constant tempo
And keep her on her feet.

She tends her bumps and bruises
Desperate, now, to find
Some steadiness to cling to,
To hold her glassy mind.
But nothing seems a constant
Except erratic sound.
What, then, can withhold her
From sliding off the ground?

What can keep distraction
From tearing through her head
And keep her fears from springing forth,
From crawling to her bed?
Can she fight this madness,
This urgent need to seek
Some constancy to bind her?
Or is she just that weak?

My words have left me here
I fear
Run off to find a worthy ear
They pranced away, my thoughts in tow
To trill their tunes
But I don’t know
The verses there
The verses here
Ripped out my hair
For you, my dear
I fear
My words escaped, crept lightly off
I was stuck to sigh and scoff
Calculating to derive
How to get out of this alive
I worried there
I worried here
Anxiety shares
The space with fear
Oh dear

I never meant to complicate
From a to b to integrate
Insanity
Profanity
And a **** near loss of humanity
Don’t you see?
There can be no stopping me
I burned right through with enthalpy

My words escaped this melted mess
Saved themselves from sheer distress
Spewed their logos to the masses
Ethos languished still in classes
The pathos far
The pathos near
Can’t hope to spar
With the letters here
I fear
The rhetoric isn’t clear
S, p, d filled up in line
The derivative was two roots of sine
The answer’s A
No, B
No, D
You’re all wrong
The answer’s Z

My words have left, abandoned ship
Now I’m stuck to sway and slip
The rigging’s there
The oars are here
The electrons are shared
The ideas won’t cohere
I fear
My words have left me here

Maybe it’s naïve of me
To be lying here
Humming these catchy riffs,
Ribcage splayed wide open,
The offer obvious for anyone with hands:
Take what you want,
I won’t stop you,
Heat and heart and soul and all
Are fair.
It’s 1 am,
Then 4 am.
Time streams past in ways I can’t catch
Because I was too busy studying you.

I have wondered if you’ll break me,
Unwalled and unexpected
Unfettered delirium.
But it’s no matter;
Even if I crash come daybreak,
It was all worth the rush.

We’re a disaster, you and I
An explosion waiting to happen
The beginnings of a nuclear meltdown
A finger hovering over a trigger

Dangerous

That’s what you called me
Dangerous
Threw the word into the air to hover dizzily between us
So I laughed it off
Recognizing that it’s you who’s trouble for me
And grasping at your hand regardless

It shouldn’t have been this easy for you
Not after all that time I spent tripping after you
For I taught myself not to crave you
I’d known that you’re no good for me
Playing games back and forth
Cat and mouse
Chasing and pouncing and running away again
Leaving me to think I’d made it all up in my head
Breathless and crazy and so, so tired
Too tired to keep wanting this

But like an open flame and a tank of gasoline
Despite my best intentions
You came too close and set the world on fire

Maybe I hadn’t really learned my lesson
Or maybe it was the way you looked at me
Or maybe I’m just a pyromaniac
Because I danced determinedly into the flames
And there, in the blaze, we collided

Disaster

The explosion, the meltdown, the flying bullet
All the destruction I’d tried to guard against
Ripped the brain from my head and the heart from my chest
And left me to burn
Feverish and desperate and stumbling for more
Hanging onto slurred confessions and pinky promises
And the thought that
Once
This was all that I’d wanted

But I don’t want to stand here burning anymore
I don’t want to feel the skin melting from my bones
Until there’s nothing left to hide behind
I am sick of cat and mouse
And I’m on my last life
And I don’t need to get caught in a wildfire
Because I told myself that I don’t want you anymore
And I’m already in over my head
And I can tell that you are, too

It’s a mess
And we both know it

You had thought that our respective messes could spill into each other
But that would be mixing bleach and ammonia
Toxic
Dangerous
Because it’s like we’re each trying to save the other from drowning
While struggling to keep our own heads above the water
And if you fell beneath the surface I wouldn’t hold it against you
Because I can’t save you
I can’t get tangled in nets and arms and seaweed
And the thought that you might actually want me
Because my scorched bones can’t take anymore
So despite my best intentions
I’d only end up sinking with you

I’m sorry
But I can’t handle any more disaster
I need rescuing and dry land
No flames, no games
And no dizzy decisions made too late
You were right calling me dangerous
Because I will always be volatile
And you the spark to set me off

We burn sweetly, you and I
But I can’t spend my life on fire

The moonlight is a fickle friend
For it demands my time
Attention, too, it wants and needs
A receiver for its shine
Its beams keep my mind spinning
Too dizzy to decline
To go befriend the stars as well
To join the cosmic design
Alas, it's trapped me up again
Night can't be kept in line
I'll always be its dazzled slave
So sleep cannot be mine

1.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman stirring her drink,
Watching him.
She is beautiful.
She is a stranger.
She is alone.
He orders another beer.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She is witty.
She touches his hand.
He orders something stronger.
He is drunk.
She is drunk.
She is beautiful.
They leave together.

2.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She is a stranger.
She is alone.
She shows a lot of cleavage.
He orders another beer.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She touches his hand.
He orders something stronger.
He is tipsy.
She is drunk.
She has a short skirt.
They leave together.

3.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She is a stranger.
She shows a lot of cleavage.
She wears a tight dress.
He orders something stronger.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She touches his leg.
They leave together.

4.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She wears a tight dress.
She is not his wife.
He leaves the bar.

5.
He goes to the bar.
He remembers his wife and kids at home.
He leaves the bar.

6.
He doesn’t go to the bar.

7.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his wife and kids.

8.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his loving wife and three happy kids.
He tells them he loves them.

9.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his loyal wife
And to the daughter who thinks the world of him.
He tells his daughter he loves her.

10.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He abandons them all.

I never realized the stickiness of apathy
The creeping, oozing film it left
One day I found myself
Trapped
Stuck like fly in honey
Without will to struggle
Lackadaisical and lost
Staring at a sun that would surely fry me

It was only stalking predator
That sent me straining against my bonds
Desperate, suddenly, to be anywhere
Anywhere
Anywhere but here
The threat to my serenity
Made my captivity real

He would swallow everything I was
So I fought to care for freedom
Fought to care for
Myself
Bat my tacky wings
Until I whole-body Band-aid ripped myself
Away

He would swallow everything I was
Do not follow me
I commanded
Do not follow me
Do not follow
*I am my own

I walk with eyes cast to the ground
So I might watch my way
If I'm to plot a measured path
My gaze must never stray
Must never go adventuring
Nor wander round and round
For if I were to glimpse the sights
I might resent the ground

I've found the road uneven
For it scuffs my shuffling feet
Rebukes me for once thinking that
My world was nice and neat
Was full of smooth and shiny lands
So I might never trip
Instead I've learned its rocks and ruts
Cause careless girls to slip

I'm far too scared of stumbling
So I tread a tiring line
Wary step after wary step
So careful all the time
So sure my stride will never break
Against some troubling stone
Trembling with the effort and
Exhausted to the bone

But if only I were braver
And weren't so scared to try
If it weren't for fear of falling
I'm certain I could fly
Certain I could kiss the stars
And sing the sky goodnight
And lose the dullness of the ground
Because the sun is bright

I'd prance across a tightrope
No more shuffling in a line
Giddy with the thought that
All this recklessness is mine
Is pulling me from gravity
Dragging up my worried frown
The world has such a blinding shine
When you’re not looking down

With head turned to the sunbeams
Searing heat upon my face
A rut will twist my ankle to
Remind me of my place
Remind me that a careless girl
Will only find dismay
So though the sky is tempting
On the ground my eyes must stay

I'm not meant for soaring gladness
Nor this reckless song and dance
Some cunning man will trip me
If I ever dare to prance
Dare to fall for pretty words
That cause my heart to pound
It's thrilling, yes, but I'm afraid
And it's safer on the ground

He is intangible
Of that you are certain
Intangible and far away
And realistically
There's nothing you can do about it
No wand to vanish the distance
No command to solidify his existence
No chance to verify the feelings drifting across modems

It seems a cruel trick of the Cosmos
That you should be obsessing
Over a binary being
A body who takes the form of a chat window
For all you know, he isn't even real
You could have dreamed him up
Imagined yourself a lover
And placed him across an ocean
Conveniently out of reach when you need him most

Yes, it's a cruel trick
To be questioning the universe at every turn
Wondering if it's his intangibility that captures you
Rather than the sweet words he lets play across the screen
Wondering how he could ever disappoint you
If he's only made of instant messages

Sometimes
You hold your own hands
Wishing you could trace the lines of his palm
Imagining having something solid to hold
Instead of slippery dreams and fluffy half-images
That get dislodged by catchy songs

Sometimes
You talk to yourself as though he could hear you
Wishing the sound could reverberate around his room
Envisioning the faces he would make
And hallucinating his responses

Sometimes
You want to slap him
Wishing you could hear the satisfying smack
Of your palm against his cheek
Rather than the clattering of your typing fingers
When you're jealous over a piece of cyberspace

Nonexistence is disappointing
When you've worked out all the details in your head
All you want to do is reach out
And not be stuck catching at empty air

In the end
His intangibility will let you down
So why are you so enchanted?

Why are you feeling like Eponine
Pretending he's beside you
Knowing you're living in your head?
And yet these days
You find it far too easy to let the city fall away
Only to have it shock you with its solidity
When you realize you've been imagining things again

No poems care to comfort me
No words are willing to clear my head
No thoughts come flowing from my pen
No dreams will deign to share my bed

I used to sleep with company
To doze with dainty desires
But now it seems my mind rejects
Those floating, smiling sires
Instead my head’s been filled with fluff
With engineered tomfoolery
No longer can I find my thoughts
Amidst this heavy schoolery

My florid fancies and swooning sighs
Have decomposed under scrutiny
And inspiration has been so choked
That is has no will for mutiny

I’ve calculated, demonstrated
Extrapolated and oxidized
So now I’ve found that feelings too
Have fallen overanalyzed
It feels surreal, to sit with you
While my mind sits far away
The distance slows my synapses
And causes heart delay

Thoughts, I’ve found, have been rewired
Connected where they shouldn’t be
So silly things cause tears to spring
And trivial words to bother me

I wish my poems would return
To put my mind where it belongs
To weave my dreams so I might sleep
To erase for you my careless wrongs
I wish my words would scamper back
And put my tangled thoughts to rights
My feelings, too, so I might breathe
And finally make peace with restless nights

There are these moments all the time
Where I think, "This is not the life I signed up for.
This can't be my life.
This
Is
Not
My
Life."
But I am dizzy and hungover,
Stumbling to the kitchen for water
Wondering how I got home last night.
25
and tail-spinning--
How did I get here?

Last night
I had a glimpse of many could-have-beens.
I found myself wistful for a life I never had,
Risks I never took,
Words I let fizzle out on my tongue,
Courage that left me when I should have chased it.
A boy with a brogue nearly brought me to tears
Drunk and disoriented
Inadvertently reminding me of a future that's
No longer mine.

After every margarita
It feels like I'm falling further and further
And I'm scrabbling without footing,
Tired and dizzy,
Losing my way,
Wondering what all I've walked away from
All these years
Because I was always so scared.

The city had been as frenetic as my circling thoughts
Everyone shoving by in a hurry
While my heart careened around
Untethered and chaotic and
Terrified
Fumbling for the right beat while you fumbled your keys

A wildfire of opportunity among the grim apartments
We flared to life
Surprised and laughing and
Breathlessly tangled
And for a wild moment
I felt I could stay suspended there in the dizzying heat

We both know I ran instead
Felt the unfamiliar flames licking up my back
And panicked

In my most chilling nightmares
I retrace my steps
Scream soundlessly to rewrite the story
To linger on the sidewalk with you
To stay, just a little longer
Only to watch our phantom selves
Shatter the fragile magic that could have been

In my wildest dreams
I’m still gasping against your chest
My name is still raggedly on your lips
Like a spell
Like a prayer
Like a promise

You struggle with a corkscrew
I roll my eyes
We’re excited
Clattering glasses
Giggling
Scarfing Lay’s potato chips
Wavy, in case you were wondering
Like the hair that cascades
Over my shoulders
“Here’s to going behind my mother’s back!”
Cheers!
And we laugh some more
Even though my mind
Is protesting
You promise me fun
Lots and lots of fun
Because I need some
I agree
So down goes the bile
Already
It’s churning
Poisoning me faster than expected
My mouth is bitter
My stomach is too empty
My head is starting to swim
Down goes more bile
No use backing out now
I’m halfway gone
“To having fun!”
Cheers!
My hand trembles
Brings up the last of the bile
And down it goes
The room is unsteady
Or is that my balance?
Standing wasn’t such a good idea
So I fall back
Luckily there’s a bed
Was that always there?
“This probably isn’t a good idea…”
You assure me it is
So I guess I asked that
Out loud
I’m still talking
Whatever I said was terribly funny
For we’re laughing
Rolling around
As the room spins
Or is that just me?
You’re asking questions
I can’t answer you
My logic is indisposed at the moment
Stop asking me
Don’t ask me
Stop
Stop
I shouldn’t do this
My brain says it’s wrong
But it’s so soft here
And you say it’s fine, fine
No problem
No worries
No
A feeble protest
But I have no choice
Because reason is useless
And time just sped up
And I’m dizzy
Dizzy
Dizzy
What am I doing?
Slipping
Rolling
Writhing
Twirling
Reaching
Breathing
Spin­ning
Convulsing
Rocking
Losing it entirely
Up and down blur
My pulse is in my ears
Drumming in my head
Stop, stop,* stop!
My brain is shouting
Not right, not right, not right!
But it’s so fuzzy at the edges
So dizzy
And bitter
And bitten
And bleeding
Where’s my headband?
So disoriented
Can’t stop
Must stop
Not right
But so fun
No, not fun
Scary
Scary
Scary
No idea
What’s happening
Breathing
Too hard
Moving
Too fast
Boundaries
I need boundaries
Stop
Can’t
Hands in wavy hair
So tangled
Bruise-like marks
Hide them
Can’t let anyone see
Can’t tell
Must stop
Don’t leave a mark
Wait
Stop
No
What?
I’m
So
Confused
What’s
Happening?
Why
Am
­I
Doing
This?
Why
Can’t
We
Stop?
Must
Come
Down
So
High
Up
Too
Hi­gh
Up
So dizzy
So fuzzy
So woozy
Wobbling
Did I try to stand?
Let me down
Where are we now?
It’s green
So green
Leafy
Breezy
Walking—no, stumbling
Sit here
No, don’t start again
Must come down
Must retain reason
Must un-fuzz brain
Must stop

You promise me nothing will change

I slowly regain balance
The ground stops tilting
I’m shell-shocked
Realization crashes over me
Hits me
Knocks me over
And the guilt pours down
So bitter
Worse than bile
But I deserve it
I should have stopped
No, I never should have started
This changes *everything
Because I can’t face myself
With these memories
Running through my steadied mind