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Aug 2018 · 183
Cosmic Joke
Kassiani Aug 2018
It seemed like a story
For Schrödinger
Time and distance ensured that
They were
All things and
Nothing
At once
And, in this way, they stayed in perpetual orbit
She wondered if
In another life
     In another place
          Time
               Universe
Their lives would have intersected
Instead of diverging
     Unrequited
To haunt her with all that could have been

It was the bitterest irony
When at last their paths swerved together
That both hearts had already been spoken for
Somewhere
     The Fates were surely cackling
          As the air hung heavy
               With all the possibilities
                    That died on the vine
Because time was never on their side
How could one even cry for something they’d never had?
She found herself heaving uncontrolled sobs
Shaking with unfettered grief
In mourning
     For all the things
          She had wanted to live
All the bright dreams of their teenage years
That had seemed so perfect
Shattered by the bitterness of
Growing up
And that old ******* Father Time

If she were honest with herself
She’d admit it was not him
She actually loved all these years
But all the things he might have been
—or rather—
All the things she might have been with him
What a different life she might have had if
     One day
          She had followed her
               Wild teenage love
Instead of living in this cosmic joke
She’ll never know
But she’ll heave sobs
For all the parallel lives she is not living
And the orbit she will return to
Knowing she’ll never be satisfied
     She’ll always wonder
          Always be gazing off
               Trying to glimpse a galaxy
Where things turned out better
7/30/18
Apr 2018 · 167
Vengeful Gods
Kassiani Apr 2018
It felt like the day was made for vengeful gods
The same tired face
On every windblown pedestrian with their umbrella flipped
Inside out
Belying the drudgery of existence that morning
And I felt like it was only a matter of time
Before the city drowned me

For the millionth time in my life
I had the realization that I spend my time
Peering into people’s faces
Wondering what they’re feeling
Which wouldn’t be so bad if anyone had spared me a second glance
The feeling of being both too much and never enough
Had pulled at all my loose ends
Until I finally flipped inside out in a downpour
All the tiny hinges holding me together
Snapping in defeat
As I came to terms with the fact that
No one
Was going to try to keep me out of the wind

I was made for vengeful gods
Built for crashing through storms
Because mortals left me with nothing but heartache
None of them has the eyes to see
How I pulled myself to pieces to shield them from hurricanes
I would light myself on fire
Just to take the chill out of their bones
And when I have nothing left
I’ll be the neutron star or the black hole or the spent piece of space junk
That everyone forgot to see while it could still shine
4/16/18
May 2017 · 442
Flight Risk
Kassiani May 2017
I felt it in my bones that night
The pangs to run away
The chirping birds, at 5 am
They begged me not to stay
So starry-eyed, so heavy-tongued
So trapped within my head
I’d fought and flailed and torn my sheets
Set fire to my bed
My frenzied heart is leaping flames
Too hot to keep inside
I packed my bags alone that night
As cold as if I’d died
How did I even find this place?
My discipline was stern
I lost myself in wild touch
Dumb Girl, you’ll never learn
Frenetic and delirious
Thank God, the road is long
When I am miles away from here
You’ll tell me I was wrong
You’ll tell me to spit out my words
When mouth and throat are dry
Demand I clip my claws and wings
When I was meant to fly
I feel so small here, feel like I
Can hardly fill my lungs
Lassoed by the circles danced out
By our weary tongues
I’d stood like Aphrodite once
Before you, proud and bare
But now I’m mortal once again
I fear my heart will tear
I cried myself so worthless
And I tired of the sound
Exhaustion sapping all my strength
Stuck, muted, on the ground
My feet are itching yet to trace
The highway’s wandering curve
Don’t call me back, don’t yell my name
I swear I’ll lose my nerve
I’m fraying and I’m scattered
And I’m running, sprinting blind
I don’t want to face this darkness
And I don’t care what I find
Written 5/6/17 in rental cars and airports and rides home

Feels unfinished?
Apr 2017 · 301
The Day I Ran Home
Kassiani Apr 2017
The city would have certainly swallowed me
To it, I was
Nothing
An insignificant girl pacing among the skyscrapers
Clack clack clack
Just another percussive layer to the cacophony of thousands
So I rushed home
Childlike
Hid among my sheets lest I was lost in the din
I wanted to be no one and
Everyone
At once
And I could feel the fraying of all my edges
As dissonance picked me apart
Went over each bone, one by one
Pulled sinew from skin from bleeding vessel
And asked me why I had done this to myself

I had done this to myself

Each firing neuron mocked me
Reminded me that there was no solace
In big spaces
Just tiny rooms made tinier by clutter
And percussive feelings
Clack clack clack
Through my skull, round and round
An infinite loop that I can’t break
All because I let myself fall
I should have never
I should have never
I should have never
Written 4/20/17
Apr 2017 · 259
Hydroplaning
Kassiani Apr 2017
If you’ve ever hydroplaned
You’ve felt the wild slide of wheels leaving pavement
While your heart’s in your throat as you wonder
If you’ll land calmly on the other side
Or go careening into a tree

It is this feeling that has gripped me since I fell for you
And my life has been a blur of racing heart
Uncertain how to maintain self
While tumbling chaotically through partnership
Terrifyingly exposed
Bewildered and aching
Because loving is so much

I will offer everything I am
And spin out of control
But I don’t know what comes after
Or after
Or after
Written 4/7/17
Apr 2017 · 352
Sleepless
Kassiani Apr 2017
It's a strange thing to wage war
In the space between consciousness
And eyelids
Fingertips fluttering over light-switch trigger
As the endless tic-tic-ticking of the wall clock
Inches ever closer to dawn

Night time has always been the worst

As the drowsy city slows down
My heart speeds faster still
Dodging anxious shrapnel as I lie
Sleepless
Swallowed by the restless thoughts
Whose assault I can no longer resist
Written 3/30/17
Kassiani Nov 2016
Maybe it’s naïve of me
To be lying here
Humming these catchy riffs,
Ribcage splayed wide open,
The offer obvious for anyone with hands:
Take what you want,
I won’t stop you,
Heat and heart and soul and all
Are fair.
It’s 1 am,
Then 4 am.
Time streams past in ways I can’t catch
Because I was too busy studying you.

I have wondered if you’ll break me,
Unwalled and unexpected
Unfettered delirium.
But it’s no matter;
Even if I crash come daybreak,
It was all worth the rush.
Written 11/7/16
Oct 2016 · 1.1k
All the Shining City Lights
Kassiani Oct 2016
I am champagne bubbles
And fairy wings
And confetti sprinkles
And heart-thudding bass
And dizzy melody
And all the shining city lights that show you the
Way home

I am all these things
And every floating, giddy thought
15 again
For the first time in forever
Painting glitter on every horizon
Because I can't contain the smiles on my lips
Written 10/10/16
Kassiani Oct 2016
I thought I had seen my future
Saw nothing stretched out before me
But a never-ending monotone of lukewarm
Indifference
All passion flung away from me
For fear of feeling the
Mediocrity
I'd accepted

There was no fire there
There was no shine there
There was barely anything I'd want to call
Life
There
And something softly whispered to me
"You'll never be happy
In this unremarkable place."

I'm still reeling from the shock
Of waking up
Of finding myself with heart pounding
Breath catching
Eyes wide open
Giddy with the swooping butterflies of new beginnings

I'm still reeling from the realization
That I started over
Took a brazen leap away from boredom
And landed in all the sensations I was sure had
Abandoned me

They weren't gone, after all
Just waiting for the right wake-up call

Sitting here
Face tingling
Fingertips dancing across brighter days
I've been wondering how I ever entertained the thought
Of an eternity that was anything less than
Thrilling
Written 10/10/16
Working title
Sep 2016 · 561
Flytrap
Kassiani Sep 2016
I never realized the stickiness of apathy
The creeping, oozing film it left
One day I found myself
Trapped
Stuck like fly in honey
Without will to struggle
Lackadaisical and lost
Staring at a sun that would surely fry me

It was only stalking predator
That sent me straining against my bonds
Desperate, suddenly, to be anywhere
Anywhere
Anywhere but here
The threat to my serenity
Made my captivity real

He would swallow everything I was
So I fought to care for freedom
Fought to care for
Myself
Bat my tacky wings
Until I whole-body Band-aid ripped myself
Away

He would swallow everything I was
Do not follow me
I commanded
Do not follow me
Do not follow
*I am my own
Written 9/27/16
Aug 2016 · 552
Sehnsucht
Kassiani Aug 2016
There are these moments all the time
Where I think, "This is not the life I signed up for.
This can't be my life.
This
Is
Not
My
Life."
But I am dizzy and hungover,
Stumbling to the kitchen for water
Wondering how I got home last night.
25
and tail-spinning--
How did I get here?

Last night
I had a glimpse of many could-have-beens.
I found myself wistful for a life I never had,
Risks I never took,
Words I let fizzle out on my tongue,
Courage that left me when I should have chased it.
A boy with a brogue nearly brought me to tears
Drunk and disoriented
Inadvertently reminding me of a future that's
No longer mine.

After every margarita
It feels like I'm falling further and further
And I'm scrabbling without footing,
Tired and dizzy,
Losing my way,
Wondering what all I've walked away from
All these years
Because I was always so scared.
Written 8/27/16
Aug 2016 · 3.2k
No Escape (A Thesis Story)
Kassiani Aug 2016
One day, I found myself falling like Alice
But without a white rabbit
Just me
Alone
Abruptly tumbling down
The floor having been decidedly yanked from beneath me

I found plummeting both terrifying and boring
The same panic over and over
Gets old after a time
Yet the bottom was little better
Devoid of a fluffy tail to follow
I have no guide in this empty place
Walled in with my thoughts
Hoping for a path to Wonderland

"Drink Me"

I'm not sure how I got here
Searching endlessly for answers
To questions that I have not even posed
Gazing helplessly at the chasm
Wondering if I can back out

"Someday you'll be Queen of Wonderland
Drink Me"

I was certain I could play the long game
Persevere to be better off in the end
Yet I lay here ******-knuckled
Having beaten solid rock
Hoping it would turn into
A Door

"You'll never leave if you don't hurry
Drink Me"

I hear tic-tock-ing through the walls
And I'm sure it's just the pressure now
I'm never getting out of here
No amount of wracking my brain
Will produce an escape plan
And it does not seem as though any creature
Will be appearing to assist
I am never getting out of here

"Don't be frustrated
Drink Me"

"Feeling stuck?
Drink Me"

"Drink Me"

"Drink Me"

"Drink Me"
Written 5/11/16
Jan 2016 · 415
Nowhere
Kassiani Jan 2016
It was raining in the desert,
Fat drops splashing
Against dunes that didn't know how to
Absorb them.
The flooding was quick,
The haze was unbearable,
And I wondered idly
If the clouds had gotten
Lost,
Jumped onto some
Wayward jet stream
And wound up in Abu Dhabi instead of Seattle.

I felt for them.

Muddy sand rivers that couldn't handle the
Downpour
Had me asking myself what jet stream I'd jumped
To end up here,
Never quite where I wanted to be,
Setting my course for brighter days
But landing
In a heap
In the middle of
Nowhere.
Written 1/24/16
Kassiani Oct 2015
Dear Food Babe,
I have seen you around
Perfectly coiffed
Grinning over a plate of
Carefully arranged food
A photo-op for the masses to see
How pretty people must eat and look and be
In order to be perfect and “healthy”
And avoid those nasty “toxins” those dangerous scientists cooked up

Dear Food Babe,
You have likely never seen me
This is because I spend all my time in lab
Growing cancer cells in Petri dishes
In pursuit of a tiny sliver of truth
To try to end human suffering
I come in at night to take time points
I work on weekends to take care of my cells
I analyze data until I’m cross-eyed
And sometimes
I take a break
And browse the internet
And there’s your curated image telling me how evil I am

Dear Food Babe,
You seem to think that my colleagues and I are all part of some big conspiracy
Let me be the first to tell you
We are far too underpaid for that
While my peers went on to get nice jobs making $60-$70k a year out of undergrad
I slogged on to grad school
With the rest of the poor schmucks
Who have it in their heads
That the advancement of science is a worthy pursuit

Dear Food Babe,
While you are posing for photos
Extolling the benefits of juice cleanses
I am busy skipping lunch because I have too many experiments to run
And the data is really exciting
Because it’s showing us insights into cancer we hadn’t seen before

Dear Food Babe,
While you are angrily blogging
Decrying the Starbucks PSL for its allegedly dangerous chemical of the week
I am studying harder than I have in my entire life
Trying to learn as much as I can while I’m still in a university
Hoping I’ll be able to turn that knowledge around
Spin it all into a breakthrough
An insight
A tiny glimpse of the truth of human health

Dear Food Babe,
While you are vying for the glory of a savior
Without any of the work
Preening on a shining pedestal of scientific inaccuracies
I am wading through peer review and evidence
Checking and re-checking the data
Because the easy way out was never a consideration

Dear Food Babe,
While you are profiting from people’s fear and ignorance
Indoctrinating them in chemiphobia and mistrust of anyone but you
My colleagues and I are trying to teach people to think
To learn for themselves
To evaluate information
To use logic
To take in the vast wonder and chaos that is the universe and make some sense of it all
And we see this as our duty because we are scientists
We soldier on quietly in our labs
Covered in chalk dust and red ink
Hoping someone
Anyone
Is listening to us
Because we do not have time to carefully pose for pretty pictures
Nor the means to play the martyr on the internet
Nor the amoral audacity to scare people into submission
We are busy gathering the evidence that will help save the world

I cannot say the same for your blog
Written 9/16/15
Mar 2015 · 456
Chinese Food and Wine
Kassiani Mar 2015
These are the days no one warned me about
When my head feels so heavy
It won’t lift from my pillow
When making a cup of coffee
Seems like an insurmountable task
When everything
Everything
Is stupid and useless and worthless
And I can’t remember what it was like to feel fine

I don’t know how I got here
I don’t remember the wrong turn that I took
The wrong exit on the highway
The wrong class
The wrong decision
The wrong something
But it must have happened at some point
Because this can’t be how it’s supposed to be
Spending days drowning in Chinese food and wine
Wishing the sun just won’t rise tomorrow
Written 3/28/15
Oct 2014 · 334
Happiness in Grad School
Kassiani Oct 2014
I've been searching bottle bottoms
And scouring city streets
And scraping plastic plates
And surrounding myself with things
And hoping for a spark
And a miracle
And just a little bit more strength
Written 10/8/14
Jul 2014 · 621
Melpomene
Kassiani Jul 2014
Sometimes I think we are orbiting each other
Lost in space
Floating in tandem
Locked by gravity in the emptiness
And sometimes
I know that’s nonsense
And that you are the asteroid
Who will knock me into the sun

Still
I must admit
The heat felt good for once
Written 7/21/14
May 2014 · 1.1k
Grit and Slime
Kassiani May 2014
I can’t get the sand out of my shoes
It’s been weeks
And I’ve been hitting them
And shaking them
And knocking them around
But still
I can feel the grit with every step
So I still can’t get the beach
Or you
Off my skin

With you, there was no warning
I went from drifting languidly along in the sunshine
To being tossed against the rocks in a sudden hailstorm
Shocked and battered and lost
Disoriented in the downpour
When I’d had the promise of clear skies

I’m not sure I’ll trust the weatherman again
He’s got your eyes and voice and disarming smile

I’ve been trying to get the salt out of my ponytail
I’ve been trying to get the feel of rock out of my hands
I’ve been trying to get this ****** sand
Out of my shoes
But it’s so sticky
Everything
Is so sticky
And here I am in the biggest mess
With hair and skin and mouth
So full of you
That I don’t know how to escape
My tongue is still recoiling
From the half-truths you spilled
Tinged with sweat and cinnamon
And slime
And here I am still choking on them
Retching
Just to get rid of the taste
Gnawing at my lips
Just to break the skin that knows you
Scrubbing myself raw
Just to keep you from clinging

My ears are buzzing with your nonsense
And I am running from the noise
Bolting with everything that I have
As sand grinds against my feet
And I will be ****** and breathless before I stop
Because I need the distraction
As much as the distance
I can’t keep reliving your kisses
With every stubborn grain
I can’t keep wondering if you’re lying
Every time I turn my back
I can’t keep playing this game
Because we’ve all already lost
So I will not apologize for taking the high road out of here
And leaving you to sulk with your I-didn’t-mean-to’s
And your too-little-too-late revelations
There were a lot of ways this could have ended
But I never once imagined you would have brought storms to my doorstep
I never expected to be trying determinedly to peel my skin off
And I never thought I’d be sitting here wishing to forget your name
Written 5/26/14
Apr 2014 · 432
Lyrids
Kassiani Apr 2014
I wanted to stay up to watch the meteors
Not for the sake of the stars
But for the chance to slough off a bit of loneliness
I’ve been restless
And sleepless
And it would have been nice
To have someone gazing back for a change

It would have been nice
If you had come to share the starlight with me
Not for the stars’ sake
But for mine
Written 4/21/14
Kassiani Mar 2014
Cars rushed past,
Threatening to douse him in freezing puddles,
And he stood calmly at the intersection,
Unperturbed and solid.
Hood pulled up,
He strolled as if nothing in the world could ever upset him.

I imagined myself running after him,
Abandoning my car in the middle of Tremont Street
And dashing through traffic.
Messy hair would meet beaming smile,
Gangly limbs to Mediterranean hips,
Head to rest on something solid,
Relief and amazement
After all this time,
Finally, finally, finally…

Blond hair and a willowy frame
Reminded me that I hate the rain,
Especially in March.
It’s been years since he looked at me that way,
Yet disappointment still knotted my stomach
And whitened my knuckles around my steering wheel.

Two solid figures kept pace,
And I veered the other way,
Realizing the extent of my shortcomings
As my knees trembled in my stuffy car.
Written 3/30/14
Kassiani Jan 2014
These are all the things I can never tell you
Because I have the worst timing
And I’m way too late
And honestly you’re better off without me
Life with me is not easy
Life with me is like being trapped on a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean
In a thunderstorm
All crashing and thrashing and tidal waves
I exist at the extremes
Skipping all grey area
And dragging everyone under with me
You are better off on dry land

I will never tell you any of this
Because I don’t want you to be tempted to jump in after me
I don’t want you to drown
But I am self-indulgent
So I will tell it to strangers
I will shout to a room of unfamiliar faces
That I can’t stop thinking about you
…******* it
I cannot stop thinking about you
And how I made so many stupid decisions
And how it’s my own **** fault that you drifted away
Because I wanted you to move on
And the moment you did
I became a shipwrecked idiot
With nothing to show for my efforts but a sunburn and a head full of delusions

How did I even get here?

I know I should let it go
Abandon all thoughts of rescue and come up with Plan C
But still, I can’t stop thinking about you
And I wish you would jump in after me
Nov 2013 · 522
Zero Kelvin
Kassiani Nov 2013
There was cold boredom
And there was colder familiarity
And
Colder still
There was indifference
And I sat trying to light a fire
Only to find that my heart wasn't in it

I'd rather sit here shivering
Than conjure up tinderboxes
I don't have the energy
And, quite frankly
I'm tired of the flames
Oct 2013 · 542
Greece
Kassiani Oct 2013
It should have been like coming home
But it was more like running away
Plunging head-first into the ocean
And popping up on a different shore
This is where I come from
But this is really where I’m escaping to
Leaving behind this day-to-day that traps me
And emerging someplace mythical
Becoming something mythical
Shaking the water out of my hair
Only to find a mermaid’s tail at the end of my legs
Gorgona
Voiceless as Ariel
But ready to smash unsuspecting ships against the rocks
Anything is possible if you say the wrong thing
But the right words will save you
So I’ll be straining my ears to hear them
Because I still haven’t quite given up hoping
Though we no longer speak the same language
Written 10/6/13
Gorgona is Greek for mermaid.
Jun 2013 · 2.8k
Personal Statements
Kassiani Jun 2013
“Studying at ------- University
Would afford me so many opportunities
That I could not find elsewhere…”

Personal statements are always BS
Filled with flowery phrases that
No one
In her right mind would ever actually use
My sentences had started to look like
A thesaurus had come along
And vomited up last night's party all over them
Who even talks this way?
Who can take himself so seriously as to think
That his pompous-assery would go unnoticed?
Moreover,
Who seriously wants to read all of this
Pretentiousness
Splattered all over the page
As though some English major's senior thesis
Had been brutally murdered?

“I am ready to bring my own
Determination and
Motivation
Into the equation to improve the
Lives of patients.”

I am disgusted with myself
For trying so hard
To impress a committee of nameless, faceless
Academics
To convince them
With fancy words and pretty sentences
That I am the best person ever
The more I write
The more I wonder if it even matters
If it's really so important for me to become a
Well Connected PhD
Doctor of Philosophy
Engineer Extraordinaire
Patients are going to keep dying
And there's no guarantee I can do a **** thing about it

“The Institute of Biomedical Engineering teaches engineers
To work side by side with clinicians to deliver
Meaningful healthcare results.”

Meaningful
Healthcare
Results
What a wonderfully vague phrase
It means nothing, really
Not without context
But it's Impressive and Dynamic
A phrase a committee would salivate over
(Because "drool" is too simple a word for them)
It's not enough for me to just come out and say how
For my entire life
I've dreamed of myself as Superwoman
Armed with engineering skills and a well-stocked lab
Ready to take down human suffering
I just want to heal people
And blood makes me faint
So I can't be a doctor
But I know my way around a lab now
And I can make medicines
In fact, that's all I want to do
Is to make new, better medicines
To grow cells and tissues and cures in my bioreactors
To make someone, anyone's life a little less painful
And these things cannot be told in florid prose
Because these are the messy parts of life
These are the parts that ache and ooze and itch
Keeping us up all night
Until words blur together
And all that's left are limbs and bodies and faces
So you can throw your thesaurus out the window
Because it's of no use here
None of the BS is helping anyone
Pretty words aren't going to make
A failing heart grow back
And this personal statement isn't going to
Purge anyone's cancer from their veins
But this person
Untroubled by higher diction
Might just do something useful
Written 6/30/13
Full version has BS written out explicitly, but I try to be more delicate on a public forum... University name redacted because this is on the interwebs where everyone can see it.
May 2013 · 2.6k
Nor Dashing Lancelot
Kassiani May 2013
I have wearied of grand romances
Of deep sighs and swooning trances
Of doting gentlemen’s advances
And all manner of courtship play
I am tired of love confessions
And of dizzied, dazed professions
And of unrestrained obsessions
I grow sicker day by day

I once dreamed of adoration
Went quite mad for veneration
Laughing, flirting with temptation
The queen in Camelot
The lonely, lovely Guinevere
Dainty-masked with girlish fear
But when King Arthur wasn’t near
Dreaming of Sir Lancelot

These days I want no noble knight
Despite my seeming helpless plight
I wish to set myself aright
And tread upon the ground
Yet here I am, pedestal-high
Too close to the dazzling sky
As my life keeps passing by
And boys keep running round

I’ve let myself grow much too proud
Drew up arrogance from the crowd
Heard the cheering, bright and loud
The queen in Camelot
And though I had my faithful Sir
Still my heart was all astir
With flying fancies, all a blur
For Guinevere and Lancelot

These fantasies have grown too old
I’d rather let my bed grow cold
For I have wearied of being told
“You are mine to keep”
Men have tired me to the core
Left me sad and sick and sore
And have turned into such a chore
And I’d much rather sleep

What blasphemy for a maiden fair
To toss such doting to the air
To turn away without much care
Though queen in Camelot
But I have withered, I have tired
Felt as if my brain’s been mired
And find not Arthur much desired
Nor dashing Lancelot

Is it so bad to want respite
From endless longing, day and night?
This constant charm becomes too trite
With ever staler tone
I only wish to rest a while
Recover from incessant guile
Forget the weight of lovers’ trial
And simply be alone
Written 5/27/13

Inspired partly by The Mists of Avalon, The Garden of Proserpine, and The Lady of Shalott.
Mar 2013 · 884
Hestia's Lament
Kassiani Mar 2013
The world is forgetting how to be gentle
Full of splintered, broken souls
Razor people with razor tongues
And steel through every nerve
They’ve scrawled hatred across the cities
Across the sea and sky and stars
Raised crass and careless Ignorance on a pedestal
And laid laurels on its head

Everyone is watching
Yet no one seems to mourn
Seeking solace in endless bottles
In capsules and gains and blood-debts
Somehow still surprised at the empty world
That cuts at every turn

Us soft-folk
We are bruising
But we are warm in this freezing world
Written 3/10/13
Feb 2013 · 841
Thrashing
Kassiani Feb 2013
It is a construction crew in your skull
A total cacophony
Noise and dust and pounding
And all you want to do is close your eyes against the world
And sink into soft darkness
Yet your eyes are forced open
Light pouring in at every instant
Searing your retinas until there’s smoke pouring out of your ears
It is sickness
It is madness
It is thrashing for a surface that never gets any closer
It is falling towards a ground that never hits you
It is hurtling towards a supernova and hoping to burn up
Because the heat’s been on you for so long
That combustion would be sweet relief
You've been pounding your head on emptiness
And walked away with nothing but a headache
You've been searching through the cacophony
To find the tiniest thing to make you smile
But dust will dull even the brightest shine
And you are too weary to wipe it off
Written 2/14/13
Title is not quite what I wanted but I don't like to leave things untitled. Open to suggestions.
Sep 2012 · 1.1k
Pendulum
Kassiani Sep 2012
It’s like when you’re little
And you notice yourself breathing
And wonder if you’ve been breathing this whole time
Or if it only happens when you think about it
Well, I’ve been thinking much too hard for a long time
So hard that I didn’t notice
The world forming a routine around me
And my unconscious willingness to fall in line

The girl who shunned the lemmings
Followed the crowd all the same

I considered myself a product of anxiety
Not a victim
Not a survivor
But the result of
Someone who thrived on frenetic energy
As worries danced out a stuttering tachycardia

This is the life I was given
Though I prayed for days of calm
Prayed for the safety of routine and predictability
And the comfort they would hold
For I am afraid of nearly everything
So I have been wishing for days without fear
Bowed my head under the Heavens and cried in all the languages I have
Peace, paix, ειρηνη

It was in the pursuit of peace
That I blindly accepted all offers of security
Built myself up with grades and responsibilities and qualifications
With the assurance it would be worth it in the long run
Suddenly I saw the boredom I had asked for
And felt no relief
No comfort
Just the paralyzing fear that I’d settled for a life I did not want

My trembling limbs were made for anxiety
But I’ve been bingeing it
So the lack thereof is just
Empty
It would seem I am addicted to frenzy
Though I always want out
A pendulum between the extremes
Never resting on moderation
Never resting
Period
Written 9/17/12
Kassiani Jul 2012
Show me the science of beauty, I said
Show me your governing numbers
Show me how you quantify all that is breathtaking in the world
And then tell me why it is so

Well no one rose to the challenge
Not a single man could answer
Why our hearts can soar with joy
As we bask in glowing sunsets

--

If you do not have all the answers
Don’t invalidate my explanations
For I still see a beauty in living
That cannot be defined
Written 7/26/12
Kassiani Jul 2012
Most people look like they wouldn’t survive a storm.
They are flimsy,
Full of half-truths and half-meanings,
Half-substance that will surely wash away in a good downpour.

I am always spilling raindrops,
Thus I am dangerous to the masses.

It was snowing the night I felt myself
Slipping
And looking at you truly for the first time—
Not a blizzard,
Just a gentle dusting,
Flakes drifting lazily in the excitable wind—
And I assumed that you,
Like everyone else,
Were just dazzled by dreamlike sparkle,
But would flee when the real storm came.
Your presence was a comfort,
So for weeks I played weatherman,
Tried to hold back inclement weather
Lest I wake to find you gone.

But Nature is inevitable,
So I found hurricanes for days.

I’d been painting
Love
On my lips since pre-school,
But you were the first to press it there
And make it stick.
You were the first to see the storm gathering
And stay until the clouds cleared,
Though my ears were mad with thunder
And my limbs were sparking lightning
And all my world was dark and cloud and sheets of pouring rain.

Slick with raindrops,
You pushed the bangs out of my eyes
And said that all was well.
Written 7/8/12
Kassiani Apr 2012
I have sat too long with stars in my eyes
With hopes of staving off the darkness
And yet I found myself one day
Surrounded
Pressed on all sides by a void
That was heavy with emptiness

I wondered how nothing could have such weight
How silence could pound on my eardrums with frantic insistence
Like a two-year-old in a temper tantrum
Out of control and impossible to ignore
As I sat blinking the spots from my vision

I had wanted calm
And instead I found more anxieties
Monsters lurking in my peripherals and the quiet of the night
Worries that stood waiting to ****** me the moment I was alone
I am easy prey
And I was soon caught and bound
Tethered to my bedpost when all I wanted was to run

I never bothered resisting my capture
I never bothered trying to escape
I sat staring out my window
Wondering what normal people do and how they seem to smile
How they find the stamina to survive rainy days
While I droop like a neglected daisy
Unable to stand up and face the morning
When my brightness has been forgotten and allowed to fade

I have been bending
And bending
And bending
And my spine has begun to protest
My vertebrae have grown to resent this inflexible pushing
Starry-eyed, I prayed for compromise
And thought I heard it whisper in the darkness
Only to be let down when I realized it was my own voice
Whispering
Supplying the sounds I wanted
Trying to fill the emptiness with something lighter weight
Written 4/21/12
Kassiani Feb 2012
I’ve been playing perfect princess
Glittered-up to keep them guessing
Breaking my back and sweating daily
To build a throne to lord it over

I was thinking, on a pedestal
Life would never let me down

They said petulance would be my undoing
Jealousy my unraveling
And unrelenting childishness the block that toppled the tower

I fell hard one day and wondered
If it was really worth the work

I’ve been losing myself in pieces
Bits of fluff that swiftly scattered
Torn away by city wind tunnels
And the terror of disappointment

All I have left are sticky feelings
The worst bits that wouldn’t stray

This city has me restless
Turning circles in my bedroom
Wishing for a different skyline, different season, different shore

If I weren’t averse to running
I’d be miles away by now

Yet the pavement has been calling
Has been tempting me to sprinting
Flying down an empty highway
With the hope of something more

Same old same old has me snapping
Lashing out at all I know

I’ve become uneven compromise
Tried to spare myself the conflict
But ended up too vexed to enjoy things either way

I’ve been dreaming, still, of running
Though I’m scared of what I’d find
Written 2/18/12
Kassiani Jan 2012
These are the days
When the ichor in my veins
Transmutes from ethereal to acrid
When the fire in my stride
Burns too hot for human skin
When the tangle of all I am
Becomes unbearable asphyxia  
But I find
I cannot
Cast myself away
Written 1/22/12
Dec 2011 · 4.0k
Hera
Kassiani Dec 2011
I exist in a world of careful structure
Taken out of Chaos and made habitable
By strict planning and strict ruling—
Structure is imperative
Order keeps us going
Deviations are not allowed

If you wish to live in my world
You must learn to follow rules

Reliability is key
Being dependable as the rising sun
Predictable as a new moon
Always infallible

Disappointments are not tolerated
Insufficient will be cast away
Deviations are not allowed
So if you can’t be trusted
Then you don’t belong here

There will be order in my house
For in games of two, there can be no others

There
Are
Rules
And they exist to keep us out of Chaos
They exist because structure
Ensures that we don’t collapse
So when your eyes are wandering
You are marking yourself as inconstant
Dangerous
Unacceptable
And I will stop at nothing
Until you’ve suffered for every sweetness you’ve laid at another’s feet
I will stop at nothing
Until you’ve learned that you must always choose me

I will burn you for every betrayal
And some will call me jealous
Written 12/23/11
Kassiani Nov 2011
I once said I wanted to waltz across the sun
To swirl among the solar flares
And burst like a supernova

They’d call me bits of space glitter
And I’d be brilliant

Today they call me human
And I find I am fleshy
Neither molten
Nor shining
But volatile all the same

It’s a shame
The heat would have suited me

I am fiery, flighty feelings
Quick to love and fury and sorrow
Quicker still to bubbling crazy
But I am stuck on this ground
With thoughts exploding through the atmosphere
Punching holes in the ozone
And leaving us all to burn

I inflict myself on everyone—
The sun would have suited me

I just want brilliance
But lately
Bright lights give me headaches
So I’ve been condemned to duller shades
Tearing at my skin
In the hopes of a shiny new layer
Restless like a *** about to boil over
Inadequate and dangerous
Like a rocket about to crash
Written 11/18/11
Nov 2011 · 856
Better Days
Kassiani Nov 2011
You once knocked the breath out of my lungs
Only to teach me how to get it back
Stuck a mirror to my nose
And said beautiful
Do you see it?
Beautiful!
And I stopped closing my eyes for a second
And breathed

I am not a tranquil person
But in your arms
I am peaceful as the moon
And I am melted
And I am hopeful
And I am the person I thought I’d lost

You once breathed Fate into my ear
And I smiled
For you thought it romantic
But the Fates were never watching
—I made a choice—
And that should be all the more romantic
Because I decided that it was your hand I wanted to hold
And you must have thought the same
Since one day I woke up to you smiling
And another
And another
So these days I could outshine the whole universe
Provided you’re by my side
Written 11/7/11
Title subject to change
Kassiani Oct 2011
There is homework strewn about,
Stray pencils and rampant equations,
And he is next to me with a guitar,
Hair wild,
Fluid mechanics tossed aside for
Metal strings and quivering notes.
Neither makes much sense to me.
I played violin for seven years,
But I never learned to command
Music;
Keys and sharps and flats
Just told me where to put my fingers,
But to him
They tell stories.
They leap and prance and laugh from his hands—
Eyes closed,
He holds them.
This is home for him,
Away from stubborn assignments
And looming futures,
And just when I suspect that he is someplace I can’t follow,
He turns and smiles.

Sometimes I play the strangest games with my head
And get sick with memories
And wish for a vacuum-existence in only present tense,
Because my present tense is so much prettier
Than clingy yesterdays and chancy tomorrows.
My present tense is full of music,
Soaring, brilliant, beautiful music,
And the musician who strums away my relentless anxiety.
It makes no sense to me,
But that doesn’t matter
Because for now,
I’m in a place where moments pass in a time signature,
Strung together by his careful hands
And brought to life by his enamored gaze.

It is in this way that I have come to believe
That everything will be ok after all.
Written 10/13/11
Title subject to change.
Sep 2011 · 935
The Panic of Empty Space
Kassiani Sep 2011
I am a planet knocked out of orbit
Officially space-junk
And a hazard to the universe
Left with no gravity anchor
Just frightening velocity and the panic of empty space

I was not held tightly enough

There is a seizing terror in the hollows of existence
A nightmare in the dark holes where wayward satellites disappear
There is only solitude here
With space-time stretching away, away, away
And nothing trying to bring me back

Stupid girl
What were you thinking?

When the cosmos were rearranging
I thought to find myself a warm body to revolve around
A hopeful path to comfort and stability
A chance to escape the darkness of infinity

I thought to find myself a Sun

As I was inspecting every glittering piece of space rock
One caught me unawares
He pulled me straight into orbit
And I could have fought
But he seemed the brightest body in the sky
So there I was
Happy to be trapped by gravity
Doting on my captor as he shined back at me
This was the exchange
My unwavering attentions
For some heat and some light

I should have known these things can’t be sustained

There is so much energy in a burning sun
But the funny thing about fire
Is that it kills its fuel source
So despite my efforts to keep it going
The Sun found it tiresome to shine
The Sun found it tiresome to entertain a doting planet
And suddenly I found myself rocketing around the galaxy

Stupid girl!
Did you never realize that you are too much?

I have a nasty habit
Of allowing my life to revolve around someone else
Call it obsessive
Call it needy
Call it whatever you want
I should probably just call it delusional
Because it still shocks me every time I get pushed away
For trying to come closer
It’s hard
When something that brilliant means so much to you
You feel very small
And smaller still when it wrenches itself away

The universe is vast
And I am tiny
And I am lost

I wish I could have learned how to navigate alone
Or at least how to care less
Written 9/29/11
Aug 2011 · 937
Her Name
Kassiani Aug 2011
You named her “best friend”
And she became the twitch in my eye
She became the wall I began to hurl myself against
Praying that I wouldn’t shatter before she budged

You named me “baby”
And marked me down for what I am
A child who doesn’t like to share
A jealous girl clutching her favorite teddy bear
Who’s one temper-tantrum away from scratching at anyone who’s ever touched him

There are parts of me that I’m afraid of letting you see
Pieces that I cracked in other girls’ mirrors
Trying to be all that was desirable in them
Lately I find myself
Crunched into the corner of her looking glass
Desperate to know how she commands your attention

She seems so harmless
Small and smiley
But I’ve watched her gaze
Seen it try to tear me from your side
So I named her “benzene”
Sweet and cloying
And toxic

I’ve been gagging on her name ever since
Felt it clawing at my throat
Forcing me to either acknowledge her presence
Or choke
Still, I named you “dearest”
And she has been watching me with liquid nitrogen stares
Unreactive but deathly cold
Leaving me goose-bumped and panicked

You sing her name
Oblivious to how it knocks against my ears
How it squeezes my skull until I’m retching
So I named her “migraine”
And every time she is there I am ill
Her name has me ripping out my insides just to stop feeling sick
Wondering how to rewrite myself
So that you won’t crave her attention anymore
How to make myself good enough
So that you won’t need her anymore

You named me “beautiful”
Sighed about getting lost in my eyes
But I noticed
Hers and mine are the same color
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder
When you’re staring into mine
Do you wish they were hers?

Still, you named me “dearest”
“Darling”
“Girlfriend”
You named her “best friend”
I am afraid of what she names you
Written 8/19/11
Aug 2011 · 649
Unraveling
Kassiani Aug 2011
I am the frayed end of a string
At wit’s end and unraveling
Afraid of sleeping in an empty bed
With a frenzied heart that beats too red
And an anxious mind that won’t hold still
No rest tonight; my head is ill
Written 8/10/11
Jul 2011 · 665
Past Boiling
Kassiani Jul 2011
There is fire in my stride
Wild, leaping, roaring flames
That melt the road before me
And leave smoldering ash behind

The war path, as it were
My screaming line of fury
Bending light waves and sound waves and distorting the world
With smoke and tremors and pure, searing heat

I run at a steady 6500 Fahrenheit
Past boiling
Past scorching
Past melting all your atoms ‘til you’re elemental sludge
There’s no surviving this
So don’t touch me
For I swear I’ll tie you to my side and burn you with me

There are explosions in my trembling hands
Volatile, unstoppable chemical reactions
Fuel to the fire, as it were
To shake the floor where you stand
Until you’re trembling on your knees

I am a lighting strike
Swift and bright and too much for your stuttering heart
Ruthless and ravaging
And merciless as a starving predator

Run fast, or you’re done for
I won’t leave anything behind
No embers
No coals
Not even soot to mark where you’d stood
Before you brought this blaze to life

There is fire in my stride
And you, sir, are flammable
Written 7/27/11
Jun 2011 · 806
The Business of Delusion
Kassiani Jun 2011
I’m in the business of invention
In the art of new intention
Making something out of nothing
And falling back on no convention

I’m a spontaneous generator
A clumsy, crude, and crazed creator
Deftly dodging laws of physics
And without a moderator

Unchecked I grow my thoughts too fast
Too big, too bold, but built to last
Fed on dregs and trivial words
And made of insecurities vast

I’m in the business of spinning tales
Of conjuring roaring mental gales
Convinced my happiness can’t stick
And swallowed up in false travails

I’m the master of complication
The reigning queen of brute frustration
The duchess of dismantled plans
And dreams that fell to degradation

See, my mind invents its own dismay
And cannot think a simpler way
Assuming all must fall apart
Thus keeping hopefulness at bay

I’m in the business of delusion
Hooked on sinking in confusion
Stuck with a mis-wired brain
That treats all joy like an intrusion

I’m a wild contradiction
Anxious over bits of fiction
Wishing for the chance to breathe
When this rush is my addiction

Worrying is what I know best
Accustomed to distraught unrest
Small wonder that a happy thought
Is treated like a passing guest

Small wonder that my frenzied mind
Assumes that Fate must be unkind
So even when the tides have turned
I cannot leave Distress behind
Written 6/13/11
Jun 2011 · 725
Brian
Kassiani Jun 2011
1.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman stirring her drink,
Watching him.
She is beautiful.
She is a stranger.
She is alone.
He orders another beer.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She is witty.
She touches his hand.
He orders something stronger.
He is drunk.
She is drunk.
She is beautiful.
They leave together.

2.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She is a stranger.
She is alone.
She shows a lot of cleavage.
He orders another beer.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She touches his hand.
He orders something stronger.
He is tipsy.
She is drunk.
She has a short skirt.
They leave together.

3.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She is a stranger.
She shows a lot of cleavage.
She wears a tight dress.
He orders something stronger.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She touches his leg.
They leave together.

4.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She wears a tight dress.
She is not his wife.
He leaves the bar.

5.
He goes to the bar.
He remembers his wife and kids at home.
He leaves the bar.

6.
He doesn’t go to the bar.

7.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his wife and kids.

8.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his loving wife and three happy kids.
He tells them he loves them.

9.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his loyal wife
And to the daughter who thinks the world of him.
He tells his daughter he loves her.

10.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He abandons them all.
Written 6/4/11
Kassiani May 2011
We’re a disaster, you and I
An explosion waiting to happen
The beginnings of a nuclear meltdown
A finger hovering over a trigger

Dangerous

That’s what you called me
Dangerous
Threw the word into the air to hover dizzily between us
So I laughed it off
Recognizing that it’s you who’s trouble for me
And grasping at your hand regardless

It shouldn’t have been this easy for you
Not after all that time I spent tripping after you
For I taught myself not to crave you
I’d known that you’re no good for me
Playing games back and forth
Cat and mouse
Chasing and pouncing and running away again
Leaving me to think I’d made it all up in my head
Breathless and crazy and so, so tired
Too tired to keep wanting this

But like an open flame and a tank of gasoline
Despite my best intentions
You came too close and set the world on fire

Maybe I hadn’t really learned my lesson
Or maybe it was the way you looked at me
Or maybe I’m just a pyromaniac
Because I danced determinedly into the flames
And there, in the blaze, we collided

Disaster

The explosion, the meltdown, the flying bullet
All the destruction I’d tried to guard against
Ripped the brain from my head and the heart from my chest
And left me to burn
Feverish and desperate and stumbling for more
Hanging onto slurred confessions and pinky promises
And the thought that
Once
This was all that I’d wanted

But I don’t want to stand here burning anymore
I don’t want to feel the skin melting from my bones
Until there’s nothing left to hide behind
I am sick of cat and mouse
And I’m on my last life
And I don’t need to get caught in a wildfire
Because I told myself that I don’t want you anymore
And I’m already in over my head
And I can tell that you are, too

It’s a mess
And we both know it

You had thought that our respective messes could spill into each other
But that would be mixing bleach and ammonia
Toxic
Dangerous
Because it’s like we’re each trying to save the other from drowning
While struggling to keep our own heads above the water
And if you fell beneath the surface I wouldn’t hold it against you
Because I can’t save you
I can’t get tangled in nets and arms and seaweed
And the thought that you might actually want me
Because my scorched bones can’t take anymore
So despite my best intentions
I’d only end up sinking with you

I’m sorry
But I can’t handle any more disaster
I need rescuing and dry land
No flames, no games
And no dizzy decisions made too late
You were right calling me dangerous
Because I will always be volatile
And you the spark to set me off

We burn sweetly, you and I
But I can’t spend my life on fire
Written 5/14/11
Apr 2011 · 694
For Fear of Falling
Kassiani Apr 2011
I walk with eyes cast to the ground
So I might watch my way
If I'm to plot a measured path
My gaze must never stray
Must never go adventuring
Nor wander round and round
For if I were to glimpse the sights
I might resent the ground

I've found the road uneven
For it scuffs my shuffling feet
Rebukes me for once thinking that
My world was nice and neat
Was full of smooth and shiny lands
So I might never trip
Instead I've learned its rocks and ruts
Cause careless girls to slip

I'm far too scared of stumbling
So I tread a tiring line
Wary step after wary step
So careful all the time
So sure my stride will never break
Against some troubling stone
Trembling with the effort and
Exhausted to the bone

But if only I were braver
And weren't so scared to try
If it weren't for fear of falling
I'm certain I could fly
Certain I could kiss the stars
And sing the sky goodnight
And lose the dullness of the ground
Because the sun is bright

I'd prance across a tightrope
No more shuffling in a line
Giddy with the thought that
All this recklessness is mine
Is pulling me from gravity
Dragging up my worried frown
The world has such a blinding shine
When you’re not looking down

With head turned to the sunbeams
Searing heat upon my face
A rut will twist my ankle to
Remind me of my place
Remind me that a careless girl
Will only find dismay
So though the sky is tempting
On the ground my eyes must stay

I'm not meant for soaring gladness
Nor this reckless song and dance
Some cunning man will trip me
If I ever dare to prance
Dare to fall for pretty words
That cause my heart to pound
It's thrilling, yes, but I'm afraid
And it's safer on the ground
Written 4/14/11
Apr 2011 · 941
3 AM
Kassiani Apr 2011
I see the side of morning
That mere mortals leave alone

Unlike them
I never find myself wrapped safely in a dream
My face covered in silken strands of subconscious
Safe from shining stars
Instead
I’m wide-eyed and wide awake
My mind dancing with the kind of energy
That first set the Earth into orbit
It’s thrilling
And maddening
But mostly exhausting
1 am tugs on the consciousness like an eager puppy
And a sleepless mind doesn’t have the strength
To stay put
So it scatters
Sets itself adrift in swirling darkness
To relive all the memories sparked to life by starlight

Tonight is particularly maddening
For you keep running my thoughts aground
My poor brain keeps bumping into you and faltering
So I can’t help but feel
That your absence is more conspicuous than I’d like to admit
Silly boy
You’ve gone and made me fall too fast
But your desire to keep me didn’t spike at the same rate
Our slopes are all off
Yours a gentle incline
And mine slippery steep like the dreamlessness that traps me
I can’t help but wonder
Why you swathed me in soft kisses to keep me safe from shining stars
If you didn’t mean to see the night through

2 am has a Siren’s song
Seducing my sleepless self
And the rare nights I manage to plug my ears
I dream of dragons
I dream of kings and queens and knights of old
Of chivalrous swords wielded for a lady’s honor
Here
My fears breathe fire
And are cut down by Sir Knight’s steel
It’s a welcome change from my own daily jousting
To have someone notice my tired helplessness
And come to the rescue

I’ve found that’s all I need
Just a little rescuing
For the morning always seems so much softer
When cushioned by a warm body
A knight to close my eyes against the darkness
When my past is breathing fire in my ear
You had seemed so earnest when you whispered
Please tell me you don’t want me to leave
So when I let you stay
Was I a fool to think you were more than just shell-shocked?

In truth
I only have myself to blame
For if I had no expectations
I would never be disappointed
I know that the moon can be dazzling
Especially when reflected off a glittering girl
So I’m sorry if I got sparkles in your eyes
You have to understand
One cannot dote upon the night sky
Without gaining a layer of stardust
I can see how you might have mistaken me for some
Ethereal creature
Some glimmering goddess of old
And so perhaps your absence means you realized
That I’m just another Earthly human with bags under her eyes
Or perhaps it’s so much simpler
And you just got tired of the shine
Either way
It’s 3 in the morning
Sir Knight is nowhere to be found
And I am disappointed
Written 4/2/11
Kassiani Mar 2011
I was twisting a water bottle
Shredding the label with my fingernails
And keeping it away from your enthusiastic dog
I’d been here before
And I would be here again
Holding back tears as an unlikely friend held me together
I had too many loose ends
And you tied knots with an engineer’s efficiency
For all your teasing
I’d never realized you were a nice guy
Taking me in like the silly wretch that I was
And letting me stay until I felt I could hold my head up again
I convinced myself I had you figured out
Tall and tough but secretly compassionate
A closet empath who impressively tossed words around a notebook page
I let everything bouncing around in my head
Tumble out into your scarred hands
And I assumed you had done the same
So that I could finally see the truth trapped in that lofty mind

It’s funny
I’ve come to realize that I never really knew you the way I thought I did
You’ve always played a concealed hand
Showing me the occasional queen of hearts
But only when you wanted me to see
It’s disappointing
Because you know me too well
I dissected my heart muscles so you could read the struggles scrawled across them
Sitting in your kitchen
All those days
I showed you all the insecurities etched across my skin
Raw and red and burning with the desperation
To be noticed
I wish I could have taken some of your scars
In exchange for all my scribbles
You patiently accepted all the scraps of myself I tossed at you
And I wanted to return the favor
I wanted to read whatever you had penned across your ventricles
I wanted you to flay open your mind so that I might understand

I may have wanted too much of you
Forgetting that not everyone is a frenetic tangle of feelings
Forgetting that I’m just a frazzled, insignificant girl
Who wants to save the world on force of will alone

Sitting in your kitchen
From time to time
You told me you believed in me
So I believed I could do it
I only wish I’d known enough to do the same for you
Written 3/28/11
Feb 2011 · 966
Near Anaphylaxis
Kassiani Feb 2011
I have been craving that which I know will make me sick.

Already,
The mere thought has my stomach roiling,
Insides twisting in displeasure,
Heart pounding out its discomfort,
Head aching in protest;
My fever keeps climbing
But I can't take a hint,
For it seems there's no proper immune response
For desire,
No thorough little antibodies to drive the thought away,
Just a full body reaction,
A rebellion of the senses,
Near anaphylaxis;

It would seem that I'm allergic to you.

But Benadryl and epinephrine are of no use to me
Since it's this wanting that's the problem,
Stumbling over myself just to see you smile,
All the while tying my intestines into impossible knots.
I know that you're no good for me,
But like a dizzy, desperate ******,
I can't cut myself off,
Can't force myself to stop chasing you
Though you cause my airways to constrict.
Written 1/31/11
Jan 2011 · 626
A Cobwebby Cling
Kassiani Jan 2011
The skies are always gray it seems
Winter-bleak and dark
No sun to see for miles around
The skyline ever stark
Hopelessness has a cobwebby cling
A sticky sort of shroud
That wraps and traps and weighs me down
A dank and heavy cloud
Wound up like a spider’s prey
Feeling ever small
Shoulders hunched, spine curled in
How can one stand up tall?
Written 1/27/11
Jan 2011 · 2.3k
Ares
Kassiani Jan 2011
Without right and wrong
There is only power
This is how I rule my kingdom

Mortal men are flighty
Their tempers quick to change
The smallest spark ignites their anger
And sends them burning worlds to ashes

His land is mine
His wife is mine
His riches are mine

I teach them how to take

Without bloodlust
There is no power
This is how I rule my men

They bow and pray in temples, but
Their willing sword decides the victor
Where blinding fury reigns the strongest
There, too, you’ll find my favor

O God of War, let me destroy them!
O Ares, Ares, bring me glory!
O Ares, bring me victory!

I teach them *******

Without bloodshed
I have no power
This is how I rule my subjects

Bleeding bodies soaking battlefields
All are offerings, sacrifices
Gifts made for my favor
And the glory of my name

I’ll take it all by force of sword
Slash and burn until it’s mine
There’s no mercy from my hands

I teach them how to war
Written 1/13/11
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