I see the side of morning
That mere mortals leave alone

Unlike them
I never find myself wrapped safely in a dream
My face covered in silken strands of subconscious
Safe from shining stars
Instead
I’m wide-eyed and wide awake
My mind dancing with the kind of energy
That first set the Earth into orbit
It’s thrilling
And maddening
But mostly exhausting
1 am tugs on the consciousness like an eager puppy
And a sleepless mind doesn’t have the strength
To stay put
So it scatters
Sets itself adrift in swirling darkness
To relive all the memories sparked to life by starlight

Tonight is particularly maddening
For you keep running my thoughts aground
My poor brain keeps bumping into you and faltering
So I can’t help but feel
That your absence is more conspicuous than I’d like to admit
Silly boy
You’ve gone and made me fall too fast
But your desire to keep me didn’t spike at the same rate
Our slopes are all off
Yours a gentle incline
And mine slippery steep like the dreamlessness that traps me
I can’t help but wonder
Why you swathed me in soft kisses to keep me safe from shining stars
If you didn’t mean to see the night through

2 am has a Siren’s song
Seducing my sleepless self
And the rare nights I manage to plug my ears
I dream of dragons
I dream of kings and queens and knights of old
Of chivalrous swords wielded for a lady’s honor
Here
My fears breathe fire
And are cut down by Sir Knight’s steel
It’s a welcome change from my own daily jousting
To have someone notice my tired helplessness
And come to the rescue

I’ve found that’s all I need
Just a little rescuing
For the morning always seems so much softer
When cushioned by a warm body
A knight to close my eyes against the darkness
When my past is breathing fire in my ear
You had seemed so earnest when you whispered
Please tell me you don’t want me to leave
So when I let you stay
Was I a fool to think you were more than just shell-shocked?

In truth
I only have myself to blame
For if I had no expectations
I would never be disappointed
I know that the moon can be dazzling
Especially when reflected off a glittering girl
So I’m sorry if I got sparkles in your eyes
You have to understand
One cannot dote upon the night sky
Without gaining a layer of stardust
I can see how you might have mistaken me for some
Ethereal creature
Some glimmering goddess of old
And so perhaps your absence means you realized
That I’m just another Earthly human with bags under her eyes
Or perhaps it’s so much simpler
And you just got tired of the shine
Either way
It’s 3 in the morning
Sir Knight is nowhere to be found
And I am disappointed

The skies are always gray it seems
Winter-bleak and dark
No sun to see for miles around
The skyline ever stark
Hopelessness has a cobwebby cling
A sticky sort of shroud
That wraps and traps and weighs me down
A dank and heavy cloud
Wound up like a spider’s prey
Feeling ever small
Shoulders hunched, spine curled in
How can one stand up tall?

You were the wall I planned to keep
Breaking myself against
A breathless distraction to chase the
Thoughts right out of my head
Glassy-eyed
I wanted to run wild with you all night
I wanted all your pretty nonsense to be real
And if I had to bet
On every bone in my body
I'd say the same was true of you

It's a shame you left me to my own devices
For we sketched such a beautiful
Delusion

When a lifetime of living by others' rules
Saw me not choose myself
While my head was screaming and railing against it
I just...fell out of my life
The riptide of pleasing everyone
Dragged me along
And I smiled even as I was drowning.

Nothing could have saved me by then
The yoke of expectation was too heavy
I was always going to tire of thrashing
And sink

I am champagne bubbles
And fairy wings
And confetti sprinkles
And heart-thudding bass
And dizzy melody
And all the shining city lights that show you the
Way home

I am all these things
And every floating, giddy thought
15 again
For the first time in forever
Painting glitter on every horizon
Because I can't contain the smiles on my lips

They said the fairest of the goddesses
Was the one to give us love,
The one to fetch the maidens
And bring the boys their girls.
What they meant by fair was beautiful,
Not just or right or equitable,
For it hardly seems fair
That she's a goddess,
Enthroned on a mountain with a mirror in her hand
And we're all of us mere mortals,
Hapless humans,
With our ribcages wide open,
With no bone to shield our vulnerable ventricles
And no sense to tell us to cover our chests.
It's no wonder that this otherworldly seduction
Can ****** us
And string us along
And consume us
Until we forget what life was
Before love caught us.

It seems impossible
That these frail, impermanent bodies
Can hold such ethereal infatuation;
It's too strong,
So it ravages us,
Strips away dignity,
Rips away common sense,
And seizes all control.
Our little human selves
Never stood a chance.

Tell me, Aphrodite,
Does it make you laugh to watch us struggle?
From your lofty vantage point,
Do you giggle when the rational become foolish,
When the thinkers become unfocused,
When the innocent become broken?
Does it please your fair reflection
When those devoted mortals go to ungodly lengths
For this love that you inflict,
Until they have nothing left of themselves,
Until they're worn to the very bones
That couldn't protect their unsuspecting hearts?

Do you revel in the irony,
Aphrodite,
When, exhausted and dejected
And downright tortured,
They still worship you?
When they bow
And sacrifice
In gratitude?
When we miserable mortals
Thank you for these feelings that destroy us,
Because for tiny moments
We felt transcendentally good.

Perhaps she'd had better intentions,
That goddess Aphrodite,
Thought that she was filling our open hearts
With something to give them meaning.
Maybe she thought
We'd left our ribcages open on purpose,
That we'd all simply been waiting for her,
Wondering when she'd reach down her power
And give us a love to cling to.
Or,
It could be that she had it right,
That our chests were left gaping
And our hearts were left empty
So that Aphrodite could look away from her mirror,
Smile from the clouds,
And send us someone to make us whole.

Cars rushed past,
Threatening to douse him in freezing puddles,
And he stood calmly at the intersection,
Unperturbed and solid.
Hood pulled up,
He strolled as if nothing in the world could ever upset him.

I imagined myself running after him,
Abandoning my car in the middle of Tremont Street
And dashing through traffic.
Messy hair would meet beaming smile,
Gangly limbs to Mediterranean hips,
Head to rest on something solid,
Relief and amazement
After all this time,
Finally, finally, finally…

Blond hair and a willowy frame
Reminded me that I hate the rain,
Especially in March.
It’s been years since he looked at me that way,
Yet disappointment still knotted my stomach
And whitened my knuckles around my steering wheel.

Two solid figures kept pace,
And I veered the other way,
Realizing the extent of my shortcomings
As my knees trembled in my stuffy car.

Without right and wrong
There is only power
This is how I rule my kingdom

Mortal men are flighty
Their tempers quick to change
The smallest spark ignites their anger
And sends them burning worlds to ashes

His land is mine
His wife is mine
His riches are mine

I teach them how to take

Without bloodlust
There is no power
This is how I rule my men

They bow and pray in temples, but
Their willing sword decides the victor
Where blinding fury reigns the strongest
There, too, you’ll find my favor

O God of War, let me destroy them!
O Ares, Ares, bring me glory!
O Ares, bring me victory!

I teach them *******

Without bloodshed
I have no power
This is how I rule my subjects

Bleeding bodies soaking battlefields
All are offerings, sacrifices
Gifts made for my favor
And the glory of my name

I’ll take it all by force of sword
Slash and burn until it’s mine
There’s no mercy from my hands

I teach them how to war

Once for Halloween
I dressed up as Athena
The Greek goddess
My favorite Greek goddess
And it was a decent costume
Your standard iParty fare
Paired with an elaborate hairdo and some 50 cent earrings
And I knew I was only a cheap imitation
Nothing close to the real thing
For no one would ever build me a temple
Burn cattle in my name
Put on white robes and fall to their knees
For me
No, not for me
But for Athena
Oh, how they fell!
How the ancient Greeks worshipped her very name
Gave her their capital city
And dedicated the most powerful force to her
Wisdom
That force which drove the philosophers
The very energy
That sustained Socrates
And Plato
And Aristotle
And all those dead guys we read about in class

I was in a class
Reading the words those dead guys collected
In their moments of clarity
But all I could think about
All I really wanted
Was to throw on a white robe
And fall to my knees at the Parthenon
Begging for wisdom, wisdom
Please, Athena, some wisdom!
I don't care if it's heresy
I don't care if you're a myth nowadays
Because you once reigned
You once stood on Mount Olympus
In all your ancient power
And watched your people crying out wisdom, Athena, wisdom!
Please!

I wish
I could have been there
I wish I could have seen
The day the goddess cracked open Zeus's skull
And was born
Fully armed
Ready for her battle
Not the fight for wisdom, no
The fight she faced was undying
The war she would lead
Would ripple through the ages
Taking all civilizations
And tearing at their social order
For it was the men she was fighting
The disbelieving fools who put her *** down
Taking all women's wisdom
And deeming it inferior
Substandard
Not good enough
So Athena blazed in glory
And for her, men believed
Believed in their mothers and wives and daughters
Saw in that enthroned goddess
The sparks that fueled women's minds

Yes, I wish I'd been there
I wish I could have kissed her sword
And asked her to stick around
To blaze her way to the twenty-first century
And make these guys tremble, too
Instead
I look around my 80% male college of engineering
And wonder why I need to prove my worth
Simply because I have a second x chromosome
I wish that I could blaze in glory
And dazzle them all the same
That my Halloween costume could be enough to fool them
That they would turn their toga-party bedsheets
Into white robes
And fall to their knees
Gasping, "Wisdom, wisdom!"
And that, for one moment
I could be their goddess

Blankets cannot hold her
Her mind within her head
Sheets can’t keep her thoughts asleep
Can’t keep her in her bed
                She said
“I’ll sleep tonight, I promise,”
But sleep just slips away
Slides and glides from tired eyes
Dark circles that cheap makeup hides
Restless here
                —She’s tossing—
Restless fear
                —She’s falling—
Not asleep, just in too deep
In swirling thoughts, anxieties
“There’s no time to rest,”
She says
“It’s hard to be the best,”
She says
The best at what?
She wonders, dim
The best are gorgeous, fine and slim
Not fleshy with insomnia
                With dreams that bring cold sweat
Two hours of the night consumed
                Nightmares she won’t forget
“Don’t let it get to you,”
She says
But what she sees as true
Will always, always make it through
Through her mind, straight to her head
                She isn’t safe inside her bed
Dangling by her restless thread
Awake but far too tired, still
                Repose is not an option here
Fatigue is but a minor flaw
                And time is just her greatest fear
Chronophobic pillow fights
Erupt when she turns out the lights
Between her worries and will to sleep
“I just can’t win,”
                She mutters, soft
It’s hard to hold the world aloft
To play at night with dynamite
Awake while bed bugs surely bite

You once knocked the breath out of my lungs
Only to teach me how to get it back
Stuck a mirror to my nose
And said beautiful
Do you see it?
Beautiful!
And I stopped closing my eyes for a second
And breathed

I am not a tranquil person
But in your arms
I am peaceful as the moon
And I am melted
And I am hopeful
And I am the person I thought I’d lost

You once breathed Fate into my ear
And I smiled
For you thought it romantic
But the Fates were never watching
—I made a choice—
And that should be all the more romantic
Because I decided that it was your hand I wanted to hold
And you must have thought the same
Since one day I woke up to you smiling
And another
And another
So these days I could outshine the whole universe
Provided you’re by my side

They always say
It's like boiling a frog

It was more like
Damnation
Eternal and unflinching
An ouroboros
Whose fangs always held
Venom

Inside an unhinged jaw
It's easy to be
Blind
To lose your bearings
And mistake a predator's steaming breath
For the heat of the sun

In scarcity
It's easy to think
Scraps
Are the best you'll ever get
But even Hades grew sick of darkness
And ventured into the wildflowers

At two am
You'll dissect the snake for answers
You'll wonder
What would you have done differently
If your senses hadn't been so
Warped

1.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman stirring her drink,
Watching him.
She is beautiful.
She is a stranger.
She is alone.
He orders another beer.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She is witty.
She touches his hand.
He orders something stronger.
He is drunk.
She is drunk.
She is beautiful.
They leave together.

2.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She is a stranger.
She is alone.
She shows a lot of cleavage.
He orders another beer.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She touches his hand.
He orders something stronger.
He is tipsy.
She is drunk.
She has a short skirt.
They leave together.

3.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She is a stranger.
She shows a lot of cleavage.
She wears a tight dress.
He orders something stronger.
He goes over to her and introduces himself.
She touches his leg.
They leave together.

4.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He notices a woman watching him.
She wears a tight dress.
She is not his wife.
He leaves the bar.

5.
He goes to the bar.
He remembers his wife and kids at home.
He leaves the bar.

6.
He doesn’t go to the bar.

7.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his wife and kids.

8.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his loving wife and three happy kids.
He tells them he loves them.

9.
He doesn’t go to the bar.
He goes home to his loyal wife
And to the daughter who thinks the world of him.
He tells his daughter he loves her.

10.
He goes to the bar.
He orders a beer.
He abandons them all.

These are the days no one warned me about
When my head feels so heavy
It won’t lift from my pillow
When making a cup of coffee
Seems like an insurmountable task
When everything
Everything
Is stupid and useless and worthless
And I can’t remember what it was like to feel fine

I don’t know how I got here
I don’t remember the wrong turn that I took
The wrong exit on the highway
The wrong class
The wrong decision
The wrong something
But it must have happened at some point
Because this can’t be how it’s supposed to be
Spending days drowning in Chinese food and wine
Wishing the sun just won’t rise tomorrow

It seemed like a story
For Schrödinger
Time and distance ensured that
They were
All things and
Nothing
At once
And, in this way, they stayed in perpetual orbit
She wondered if
In another life
     In another place
          Time
               Universe
Their lives would have intersected
Instead of diverging
     Unrequited
To haunt her with all that could have been

It was the bitterest irony
When at last their paths swerved together
That both hearts had already been spoken for
Somewhere
     The Fates were surely cackling
          As the air hung heavy
               With all the possibilities
                    That died on the vine
Because time was never on their side

How could one even cry for something they’d never had?
She found herself heaving uncontrolled sobs
Shaking with unfettered grief
In mourning
     For all the things
          She had wanted to live
All the bright dreams of their teenage years
That had seemed so perfect
Shattered by the bitterness of
Growing up
And that old ******* Father Time

If she were honest with herself
She’d admit it was not him
She actually loved all these years
But all the things he might have been
—or rather—
All the things she might have been with him
What a different life she might have had if
     One day
          She had followed her
               Wild teenage love
Instead of living in this cosmic joke

She’ll never know
But she’ll heave sobs
For all the parallel lives she is not living
And the orbit she will return to
Knowing she’ll never be satisfied
     She’ll always wonder
          Always be gazing off
               Trying to glimpse a galaxy
Where things turned out better

Tell me,
What are the chances of a lightning strike?
I found myself staying out all night,
Chasing the forked streaks
Until I collided with you
—I always did want to believe in Fate—
So maybe I had glitter in my eyes
Or maybe we out-dazzled the stars.

Tell me,
How do you think this ends?
I've felt the sparks biting my skin,
Delirious like a fever dream.
Words are such flimsy anchors at the break of dawn
And I wonder
If we'll stay to set the sky on fire
Or blow away like ash.

One day
I'll break open a bottle of champagne
And look back on all this
Like a crazy story
Something that happened to
Someone else
A stranger
A different life I left in a pile of
Ash
But today
I'm hurling myself off a cliff
Not knowing if I'll sprout wings
Or crash

I have always told my troubles to the moon
Offered up saltwater sacrifice
That I might learn how to face the light of day
Unafraid
Each sunrise would find me fitful
Restless with an ache I didn't know how to soothe
Stumbling and shrinking and
Cowed by the weight of expectation

When I was ready to open my very veins to the night
The moon insisted
I stop making sacrifices alone in the dark
Under her watch
I suddenly heard the relentless ticking of every clock
Felt it rattling my bones
Like a warning
I had let fear throttle me
Until days dragged by like a prison sentence
And some hidden, untamed part of me
Finally lashed out at the leash leading me to the gallows

Throat raw
Nails ragged
Heart racing towards the wildness that had not abandoned me
I stood defiant in the sunlight
And dared anyone to try to break me
Again

If you demand from my weary atoms
That which I would have otherwise freely given
You'll find it's not offered willingly again
Call it repulsion
Revulsion
Outright rebellion
But I've lived all my life in fear
And I will fall underfoot
No more

These are the dizzy days, my dear
The times of tired eyes
The ills of an insomniac
Have made a strong reprise
With tunes of troubled restlessness
And dreamless, desperate sighs
This messy, migraine-ridden mind
So hopelessly complies
Meets all demands of moonlit hours
And city’s starless skies
Awake until the dawning day
Requires it to rise

A weary head is much too weak
Though wears a stronger guise
But cannot bluff itself to sleep
Though desperately it tries
Attempts to teach its tumbling thoughts
That they must not surmise
For guessing games are only good
At weaving pretty lies
And working up a mass of worries
To leave me to despise
This problem path that only leads
To peace of mind’s demise

These are the dizzy days, my dear
The times of hopeless sighs
The ills of an insomniac
Should come as no surprise
Not bed nor sheets nor pillows soft
Nor soothing lullabies
Can quiet all the quaking thoughts
Behind these tired eyes
The messes made of sleepless nights
Will make no rushed goodbyes
Will send me stumbling on and on
Until the mind’s demise

We’re a disaster, you and I
An explosion waiting to happen
The beginnings of a nuclear meltdown
A finger hovering over a trigger

Dangerous

That’s what you called me
Dangerous
Threw the word into the air to hover dizzily between us
So I laughed it off
Recognizing that it’s you who’s trouble for me
And grasping at your hand regardless

It shouldn’t have been this easy for you
Not after all that time I spent tripping after you
For I taught myself not to crave you
I’d known that you’re no good for me
Playing games back and forth
Cat and mouse
Chasing and pouncing and running away again
Leaving me to think I’d made it all up in my head
Breathless and crazy and so, so tired
Too tired to keep wanting this

But like an open flame and a tank of gasoline
Despite my best intentions
You came too close and set the world on fire

Maybe I hadn’t really learned my lesson
Or maybe it was the way you looked at me
Or maybe I’m just a pyromaniac
Because I danced determinedly into the flames
And there, in the blaze, we collided

Disaster

The explosion, the meltdown, the flying bullet
All the destruction I’d tried to guard against
Ripped the brain from my head and the heart from my chest
And left me to burn
Feverish and desperate and stumbling for more
Hanging onto slurred confessions and pinky promises
And the thought that
Once
This was all that I’d wanted

But I don’t want to stand here burning anymore
I don’t want to feel the skin melting from my bones
Until there’s nothing left to hide behind
I am sick of cat and mouse
And I’m on my last life
And I don’t need to get caught in a wildfire
Because I told myself that I don’t want you anymore
And I’m already in over my head
And I can tell that you are, too

It’s a mess
And we both know it

You had thought that our respective messes could spill into each other
But that would be mixing bleach and ammonia
Toxic
Dangerous
Because it’s like we’re each trying to save the other from drowning
While struggling to keep our own heads above the water
And if you fell beneath the surface I wouldn’t hold it against you
Because I can’t save you
I can’t get tangled in nets and arms and seaweed
And the thought that you might actually want me
Because my scorched bones can’t take anymore
So despite my best intentions
I’d only end up sinking with you

I’m sorry
But I can’t handle any more disaster
I need rescuing and dry land
No flames, no games
And no dizzy decisions made too late
You were right calling me dangerous
Because I will always be volatile
And you the spark to set me off

We burn sweetly, you and I
But I can’t spend my life on fire

I have always said I have little time for
Thought experiments
The tedium of philosophy
Is of no use for me
Because here on Earth
We know that Sisyphus was miserable

I have always been shoving boulders up mountains
Seeing no other way than the hardest one
A task that requires exacting attention
Precision
Perfection
But mortal bodies can only take so much
Sudden collapse should not have seemed so
Sudden

I have always been foolish and deluded
Plagued by dangerous thinking thinking thinking
A dissonant orchestra that never tires
Ever conjuring phantasms
Fears and fantasies at war
A sparkling utopia in the clouds
And then the reminder that I am
Earthbound

She hammers out a heartbeat,
Clinging to its sound,
A constant noise to bind her,
To link her to the ground.
To keep her feet from slipping,
She follows it in time,
As though it were her duty,
Her singular design.

All she hears is beating,
Blocking other noise—
No tunes of trifling children,
No giggling girls and boys.
For noises are distractions;
They make a mess of minds.
Distraction likes the clutter—
Against her ears it grinds.

She holds fast to her heartbeat,
Latches to its hand,
But finds it too erratic,
Dribbly, like sand.
Up and down it dips and flies,
Makes her poor head spin,
Sending shivers up her spine
And tremors down her chin.

She’s lost her steady rhythm,
Lost hold of the sound,
The beat that duly held her
Anchored to the ground.
Her mind can’t find its footing—
It panics in its stead,
Lets inconstant rhythms
Muss her weary head,

Lets the twang of heartstrings
Orchestrate her cares,
And tangle with her fancies
And trip her down the stairs.
It sends her stumbling dazedly
Without a steady beat
To keep a constant tempo
And keep her on her feet.

She tends her bumps and bruises
Desperate, now, to find
Some steadiness to cling to,
To hold her glassy mind.
But nothing seems a constant
Except erratic sound.
What, then, can withhold her
From sliding off the ground?

What can keep distraction
From tearing through her head
And keep her fears from springing forth,
From crawling to her bed?
Can she fight this madness,
This urgent need to seek
Some constancy to bind her?
Or is she just that weak?

You should never forget the sharp lash of his temper
The way he wraps himself with words to
Tower
Over you
The calculated battering at the edges of your mind
"You are fragile. You are pathetic. You are broken."

Whether you have the strength to wait out the siege
Or whether you strike back
Or whether you finally crumble
You will catch scorn for it all
The only thing the world wants to see
Is an obedient woman
Silently taking blows

You should never forget
That they only want the bruises blooming across your flesh
And the smile that says that all is well

I felt it in my bones that night
The pangs to run away
The chirping birds, at 5 am
They begged me not to stay
So starry-eyed, so heavy-tongued
So trapped within my head
I’d fought and flailed and torn my sheets
Set fire to my bed
My frenzied heart is leaping flames
Too hot to keep inside
I packed my bags alone that night
As cold as if I’d died
How did I even find this place?
My discipline was stern
I lost myself in wild touch
Dumb Girl, you’ll never learn
Frenetic and delirious
Thank God, the road is long
When I am miles away from here
You’ll tell me I was wrong
You’ll tell me to spit out my words
When mouth and throat are dry
Demand I clip my claws and wings
When I was meant to fly
I feel so small here, feel like I
Can hardly fill my lungs
Lassoed by the circles danced out
By our weary tongues
I’d stood like Aphrodite once
Before you, proud and bare
But now I’m mortal once again
I fear my heart will tear
I cried myself so worthless
And I tired of the sound
Exhaustion sapping all my strength
Stuck, muted, on the ground
My feet are itching yet to trace
The highway’s wandering curve
Don’t call me back, don’t yell my name
I swear I’ll lose my nerve
I’m fraying and I’m scattered
And I’m running, sprinting blind
I don’t want to face this darkness
And I don’t care what I find

I never realized the stickiness of apathy
The creeping, oozing film it left
One day I found myself
Trapped
Stuck like fly in honey
Without will to struggle
Lackadaisical and lost
Staring at a sun that would surely fry me

It was only stalking predator
That sent me straining against my bonds
Desperate, suddenly, to be anywhere
Anywhere
Anywhere but here
The threat to my serenity
Made my captivity real

He would swallow everything I was
So I fought to care for freedom
Fought to care for
Myself
Bat my tacky wings
Until I whole-body Band-aid ripped myself
Away

He would swallow everything I was
Do not follow me
I commanded
Do not follow me
Do not follow
*I am my own

I walk with eyes cast to the ground
So I might watch my way
If I'm to plot a measured path
My gaze must never stray
Must never go adventuring
Nor wander round and round
For if I were to glimpse the sights
I might resent the ground

I've found the road uneven
For it scuffs my shuffling feet
Rebukes me for once thinking that
My world was nice and neat
Was full of smooth and shiny lands
So I might never trip
Instead I've learned its rocks and ruts
Cause careless girls to slip

I'm far too scared of stumbling
So I tread a tiring line
Wary step after wary step
So careful all the time
So sure my stride will never break
Against some troubling stone
Trembling with the effort and
Exhausted to the bone

But if only I were braver
And weren't so scared to try
If it weren't for fear of falling
I'm certain I could fly
Certain I could kiss the stars
And sing the sky goodnight
And lose the dullness of the ground
Because the sun is bright

I'd prance across a tightrope
No more shuffling in a line
Giddy with the thought that
All this recklessness is mine
Is pulling me from gravity
Dragging up my worried frown
The world has such a blinding shine
When you’re not looking down

With head turned to the sunbeams
Searing heat upon my face
A rut will twist my ankle to
Remind me of my place
Remind me that a careless girl
Will only find dismay
So though the sky is tempting
On the ground my eyes must stay

I'm not meant for soaring gladness
Nor this reckless song and dance
Some cunning man will trip me
If I ever dare to prance
Dare to fall for pretty words
That cause my heart to pound
It's thrilling, yes, but I'm afraid
And it's safer on the ground

Meandering in broken fantasies
Listless
Aching for every intangible hypothetical
Heartbroken over fictions
And more heartbroken still
That even the glittering shards of dashed dreams
Will outshine my weary reality

The city had been as frenetic as my circling thoughts
Everyone shoving by in a hurry
While my heart careened around
Untethered and chaotic and
Terrified
Fumbling for the right beat while you fumbled your keys

A wildfire of opportunity among the grim apartments
We flared to life
Surprised and laughing and
Breathlessly tangled
And for a wild moment
I felt I could stay suspended there in the dizzying heat

We both know I ran instead
Felt the unfamiliar flames licking up my back
And panicked

In my most chilling nightmares
I retrace my steps
Scream soundlessly to rewrite the story
To linger on the sidewalk with you
To stay, just a little longer
Only to watch our phantom selves
Shatter the fragile magic that could have been

In my wildest dreams
I’m still gasping against your chest
My name is still raggedly on your lips
Like a spell
Like a prayer
Like a promise

I told her I was late
Because I had a meeting.
She went to tell my mother
I was in for a beating.

Mother’s furious when I come home.
She tells me what was said
And informs me that I’m grounded
And that I’m not to leave my bed.

But that’s not what I said!
—Are you calling her a liar!?
No, she must have just misunderstood!
The situation’s not so dire!

But nonetheless I find myself
Locked up in my room,
On the phone telling him
That I wish to be released soon.

He said what she said wasn’t fair,
That I shouldn’t be in trouble.
Unfortunately, he said, he knows
That what she said counts for double.

The next day we said what went on
And they heard loud and clear,
But what they said to her and him
To the truth was no where near.

So he said she said you said what?
And they said we said I said that!?
Oh no you did not just say
That he dared to call me fat!

But he said he wants my number,
But you said he said something more.
Then she said they said my mom’s back
To make me do my chores.

Why would my mother come here
To tell me what to do?
Because he said we said they said that
I’m going out with you.

Link the two events together.
You’ll find there is no way.
The he-said-she-said gossip mess
Is how we spend our days.

Yet no explanation do we find
For the crazy things they said,
Nor do we know why we say
Whatever pops into our heads.

So when rumors are flying, left and right,
And pronouns start replacing names,
Beware what he said she said you all said;
You’ll get caught in gossip games.

It should have been like coming home
But it was more like running away
Plunging head-first into the ocean
And popping up on a different shore
This is where I come from
But this is really where I’m escaping to
Leaving behind this day-to-day that traps me
And emerging someplace mythical
Becoming something mythical
Shaking the water out of my hair
Only to find a mermaid’s tail at the end of my legs
Gorgona
Voiceless as Ariel
But ready to smash unsuspecting ships against the rocks
Anything is possible if you say the wrong thing
But the right words will save you
So I’ll be straining my ears to hear them
Because I still haven’t quite given up hoping
Though we no longer speak the same language

I can’t get the sand out of my shoes
It’s been weeks
And I’ve been hitting them
And shaking them
And knocking them around
But still
I can feel the grit with every step
So I still can’t get the beach
Or you
Off my skin

With you, there was no warning
I went from drifting languidly along in the sunshine
To being tossed against the rocks in a sudden hailstorm
Shocked and battered and lost
Disoriented in the downpour
When I’d had the promise of clear skies

I’m not sure I’ll trust the weatherman again
He’s got your eyes and voice and disarming smile

I’ve been trying to get the salt out of my ponytail
I’ve been trying to get the feel of rock out of my hands
I’ve been trying to get this ****** sand
Out of my shoes
But it’s so sticky
Everything
Is so sticky
And here I am in the biggest mess
With hair and skin and mouth
So full of you
That I don’t know how to escape
My tongue is still recoiling
From the half-truths you spilled
Tinged with sweat and cinnamon
And slime
And here I am still choking on them
Retching
Just to get rid of the taste
Gnawing at my lips
Just to break the skin that knows you
Scrubbing myself raw
Just to keep you from clinging

My ears are buzzing with your nonsense
And I am running from the noise
Bolting with everything that I have
As sand grinds against my feet
And I will be ****** and breathless before I stop
Because I need the distraction
As much as the distance
I can’t keep reliving your kisses
With every stubborn grain
I can’t keep wondering if you’re lying
Every time I turn my back
I can’t keep playing this game
Because we’ve all already lost
So I will not apologize for taking the high road out of here
And leaving you to sulk with your I-didn’t-mean-to’s
And your too-little-too-late revelations
There were a lot of ways this could have ended
But I never once imagined you would have brought storms to my doorstep
I never expected to be trying determinedly to peel my skin off
And I never thought I’d be sitting here wishing to forget your name

I once drew lots to find the spot
Where I would raise my shining throne
No lofty palace was fated mine
For I am king of gloom and bone
Deep in the earth was my dominion
No light to ever grace my eyes
In darkness stale I would be reigning
While brothers ruled the seas and skies

I didn't want this morbid kingdom
Resented my netherwordly throne
But soon I found I had great power
For all must fall to gloom and bone
Their shades will float across my river
Echoes of what can no longer be
None escapes the world of Hades
For even kings must kneel to me

All men of Zeus must heed my calling
Death will take them to my throne
And Poseidon's waves will swallow many
Mortals to meet their gloom and bone
No god can claim as much as I
My kingdom can only grow with time
For I never return what I've acquired
And every soul is one day mine

I've been searching bottle bottoms
And scouring city streets
And scraping plastic plates
And surrounding myself with things
And hoping for a spark
And a miracle
And just a little bit more strength

I exist in a world of careful structure
Taken out of Chaos and made habitable
By strict planning and strict ruling—
Structure is imperative
Order keeps us going
Deviations are not allowed

If you wish to live in my world
You must learn to follow rules

Reliability is key
Being dependable as the rising sun
Predictable as a new moon
Always infallible

Disappointments are not tolerated
Insufficient will be cast away
Deviations are not allowed
So if you can’t be trusted
Then you don’t belong here

There will be order in my house
For in games of two, there can be no others

There
Are
Rules
And they exist to keep us out of Chaos
They exist because structure
Ensures that we don’t collapse
So when your eyes are wandering
You are marking yourself as inconstant
Dangerous
Unacceptable
And I will stop at nothing
Until you’ve suffered for every sweetness you’ve laid at another’s feet
I will stop at nothing
Until you’ve learned that you must always choose me

I will burn you for every betrayal
And some will call me jealous

You named her “best friend”
And she became the twitch in my eye
She became the wall I began to hurl myself against
Praying that I wouldn’t shatter before she budged

You named me “baby”
And marked me down for what I am
A child who doesn’t like to share
A jealous girl clutching her favorite teddy bear
Who’s one temper-tantrum away from scratching at anyone who’s ever touched him

There are parts of me that I’m afraid of letting you see
Pieces that I cracked in other girls’ mirrors
Trying to be all that was desirable in them
Lately I find myself
Crunched into the corner of her looking glass
Desperate to know how she commands your attention

She seems so harmless
Small and smiley
But I’ve watched her gaze
Seen it try to tear me from your side
So I named her “benzene”
Sweet and cloying
And toxic

I’ve been gagging on her name ever since
Felt it clawing at my throat
Forcing me to either acknowledge her presence
Or choke
Still, I named you “dearest”
And she has been watching me with liquid nitrogen stares
Unreactive but deathly cold
Leaving me goose-bumped and panicked

You sing her name
Oblivious to how it knocks against my ears
How it squeezes my skull until I’m retching
So I named her “migraine”
And every time she is there I am ill
Her name has me ripping out my insides just to stop feeling sick
Wondering how to rewrite myself
So that you won’t crave her attention anymore
How to make myself good enough
So that you won’t need her anymore

You named me “beautiful”
Sighed about getting lost in my eyes
But I noticed
Hers and mine are the same color
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder
When you’re staring into mine
Do you wish they were hers?

Still, you named me “dearest”
“Darling”
“Girlfriend”
You named her “best friend”
I am afraid of what she names you

The world is forgetting how to be gentle
Full of splintered, broken souls
Razor people with razor tongues
And steel through every nerve
They’ve scrawled hatred across the cities
Across the sea and sky and stars
Raised crass and careless Ignorance on a pedestal
And laid laurels on its head

Everyone is watching
Yet no one seems to mourn
Seeking solace in endless bottles
In capsules and gains and blood-debts
Somehow still surprised at the empty world
That cuts at every turn

Us soft-folk
We are bruising
But we are warm in this freezing world

It is a construction crew in your skull
A total cacophony
Noise and dust and pounding
And all you want to do is close your eyes against the world
And sink into soft darkness
Yet your eyes are forced open
Light pouring in at every instant
Searing your retinas until there’s smoke pouring out of your ears
It is sickness
It is madness
It is thrashing for a surface that never gets any closer
It is falling towards a ground that never hits you
It is hurtling towards a supernova and hoping to burn up
Because the heat’s been on you for so long
That combustion would be sweet relief
You've been pounding your head on emptiness
And walked away with nothing but a headache
You've been searching through the rubble
To find the tiniest thing to make you smile
But dust will dull even the brightest shine
And you are too weary to wipe it off

If you’ve ever hydroplaned
You’ve felt the wild slide of wheels leaving pavement
While your heart’s in your throat as you wonder
If you’ll land calmly on the other side
Or go careening into a tree

It is this feeling that has gripped me since I fell for you
And my life has been a blur of racing heart
Uncertain how to maintain self
While tumbling chaotically through partnership
Terrifyingly exposed
Bewildered and aching
Because loving is so much

I will offer everything I am
And spin out of control
But I don’t know what comes after
Or after
Or after

It was never the searing heat that got me
Nor the heights
I have always known I could fly
Even if mud-caked mules tried to convince me
That I was doomed to be earthbound
No
The atmosphere was choking me
Down here with my demons and dilemmas and denials
So despite desperate braying
I unfurled fragile wings and
Soared
Caught an updraft
Until I had outrun it all
Until all I could hear was my own thundering heart
Hammering my problems to pixie dust

It was the shimmering
That was my first undoing
Enamored
I crowned myself queen in the clouds
Swirled in gilded revelry
And smiled lazily at this sweat-slicked kingdom
Even knowing that someday
Someday
Gravity would have its way
But up here
Force and the laws of physics
Seemed too far to ever catch me
Here
Where everything was lined with silver
I thought I could trick Fate
Into handing someday to someone else

In the end
The shock of the fall
Was because it wasn't on my to-do list
I was still reveling
Reckless in the radiance
Basking in the sun
And running from all the things
That had kept me up at night
Holding court in my cloud castle
Imagine my surprise
When I realized I hadn't outpaced them all
That feeling of the floor falling out from under me
When one caught me by the wings
And yanked
Fate, it seemed, would not be denied
Had to be paid Her somedays
In full
As I tumbled into gravity's clutches
I wondered if this time
This time
Would be when I'd stop learning the hard way
If someday my lessons could be coaxed from me gently
Rather than ripped from me screaming
If a different kind of someday could find me
As I lay
Bruised and bewildered
In the mud

The moonlight is a fickle friend
For it demands my time
Attention, too, it wants and needs
A receiver for its shine
Its beams keep my mind spinning
Too dizzy to decline
To go befriend the stars as well
To join the cosmic design
Alas, it's trapped me up again
Night can't be kept in line
I'll always be its dazzled slave
So sleep cannot be mine

For some reason
I remember Snoopy
—Don't ask me why
             For I couldn't tell you—
I remember the Snoopy t-shirt
She wore
And that I got really excited
Because I love Snoopy

It's strange
What you remember
What bits and pieces you keep
I remember her reading
Shyly spilling words at the front of the room
And everyone
—Everyone—
Leaning in to hear
That soft, enchanting voice

I remember keys
Lots and lots of keys
A whole hand of them, in fact
An art project I watched emerge
As she wielded a hot glue gun

It's mostly the poetry I remember
—And her smile
            But who doesn't?—
I can see her standing at the mic
Enthralling her audience
Mesmerizing them
Keeping them hanging on her every word
She was a star
There was no doubt
A poetic star
We talked through her poetry once
Tweaked it here and there
Changed some tenses
Fixed some commas
But most importantly
We decided
That when "night sloughed off its veil"
It should be day
Once more

You struggle with a corkscrew
I roll my eyes
We’re excited
Clattering glasses
Giggling
Scarfing Lay’s potato chips
Wavy, in case you were wondering
Like the hair that cascades
Over my shoulders
“Here’s to going behind my mother’s back!”
Cheers!
And we laugh some more
Even though my mind
Is protesting
You promise me fun
Lots and lots of fun
Because I need some
I agree
So down goes the bile
Already
It’s churning
Poisoning me faster than expected
My mouth is bitter
My stomach is too empty
My head is starting to swim
Down goes more bile
No use backing out now
I’m halfway gone
“To having fun!”
Cheers!
My hand trembles
Brings up the last of the bile
And down it goes
The room is unsteady
Or is that my balance?
Standing wasn’t such a good idea
So I fall back
Luckily there’s a bed
Was that always there?
“This probably isn’t a good idea…”
You assure me it is
So I guess I asked that
Out loud
I’m still talking
Whatever I said was terribly funny
For we’re laughing
Rolling around
As the room spins
Or is that just me?
You’re asking questions
I can’t answer you
My logic is indisposed at the moment
Stop asking me
Don’t ask me
Stop
Stop
I shouldn’t do this
My brain says it’s wrong
But it’s so soft here
And you say it’s fine, fine
No problem
No worries
No
A feeble protest
But I have no choice
Because reason is useless
And time just sped up
And I’m dizzy
Dizzy
Dizzy
What am I doing?
Slipping
Rolling
Writhing
Twirling
Reaching
Breathing
Spin­ning
Convulsing
Rocking
Losing it entirely
Up and down blur
My pulse is in my ears
Drumming in my head
Stop, stop,* stop!
My brain is shouting
Not right, not right, not right!
But it’s so fuzzy at the edges
So dizzy
And bitter
And bitten
And bleeding
Where’s my headband?
So disoriented
Can’t stop
Must stop
Not right
But so fun
No, not fun
Scary
Scary
Scary
No idea
What’s happening
Breathing
Too hard
Moving
Too fast
Boundaries
I need boundaries
Stop
Can’t
Hands in wavy hair
So tangled
Bruise-like marks
Hide them
Can’t let anyone see
Can’t tell
Must stop
Don’t leave a mark
Wait
Stop
No
What?
I’m
So
Confused
What’s
Happening?
Why
Am
­I
Doing
This?
Why
Can’t
We
Stop?
Must
Come
Down
So
High
Up
Too
Hi­gh
Up
So dizzy
So fuzzy
So woozy
Wobbling
Did I try to stand?
Let me down
Where are we now?
It’s green
So green
Leafy
Breezy
Walking—no, stumbling
Sit here
No, don’t start again
Must come down
Must retain reason
Must un-fuzz brain
Must stop

You promise me nothing will change

I slowly regain balance
The ground stops tilting
I’m shell-shocked
Realization crashes over me
Hits me
Knocks me over
And the guilt pours down
So bitter
Worse than bile
But I deserve it
I should have stopped
No, I never should have started
This changes *everything
Because I can’t face myself
With these memories
Running through my steadied mind

I was twisting a water bottle
Shredding the label with my fingernails
And keeping it away from your enthusiastic dog
I’d been here before
And I would be here again
Holding back tears as an unlikely friend held me together
I had too many loose ends
And you tied knots with an engineer’s efficiency
For all your teasing
I’d never realized you were a nice guy
Taking me in like the silly wretch that I was
And letting me stay until I felt I could hold my head up again
I convinced myself I had you figured out
Tall and tough but secretly compassionate
A closet empath who impressively tossed words around a notebook page
I let everything bouncing around in my head
Tumble out into your scarred hands
And I assumed you had done the same
So that I could finally see the truth trapped in that lofty mind

It’s funny
I’ve come to realize that I never really knew you the way I thought I did
You’ve always played a concealed hand
Showing me the occasional queen of hearts
But only when you wanted me to see
It’s disappointing
Because you know me too well
I dissected my heart muscles so you could read the struggles scrawled across them
Sitting in your kitchen
All those days
I showed you all the insecurities etched across my skin
Raw and red and burning with the desperation
To be noticed
I wish I could have taken some of your scars
In exchange for all my scribbles
You patiently accepted all the scraps of myself I tossed at you
And I wanted to return the favor
I wanted to read whatever you had penned across your ventricles
I wanted you to flay open your mind so that I might understand

I may have wanted too much of you
Forgetting that not everyone is a frenetic tangle of feelings
Forgetting that I’m just a frazzled, insignificant girl
Who wants to save the world on force of will alone

Sitting in your kitchen
From time to time
You told me you believed in me
So I believed I could do it
I only wish I’d known enough to do the same for you

These are the days
When the ichor in my veins
Transmutes from ethereal to acrid
When the fire in my stride
Burns too hot for human skin
When the tangle of all I am
Becomes unbearable asphyxia  
But I find
I cannot
Cast myself away

You didn't know me in the days when I was unstoppable,
back in the days when frenetic energy propelled me
forward and forward and forward and
the weight of everyone else's anger hadn't yet
yoked me. I had enough momentum to keep pulling
for a while. My sorry bones have since been crushed.
An endless parade of people who insisted they
knew better has climbed on my back to reach
new heights. Without fanfare, I got used to sitting
on the floor. These days, you'll find me mourning at
the altar of my wasted youth, picking myself apart
again and again and again, wondering where I lost
the thread. These days, you'll find me flat on my back
in the dirt, reaching lamely for the sky, trying to
remember who I used to be.

I have spent the better part of my life
Feeling like feelings are going to tear me
To pieces
The programming of my brain has
The gain set
Way too high so
Everything
Is an assault on the neurons that
Can't fire fast enough
Too bright
Too loud
Too sad
Too angry
Too tired

Too much

I collapsed inward

Soldiering on for the sake of
Appearances
I can feel the restlessness rending
My ribcage in half
So I'm pleading with whoever will
Listen
To make it stop
Please
Make
It
Stop
The anxious pacing of my neurons
The fervor of my frantic mind
The scrambling
Scrabbling
Scared
Lizard brain
Stuck in a loop
Fight, flight, freeze
Fight, flight, freeze
Fight
Flight
Freeze

Fight

This is the loose thread I can't help but pull
Even as I watch the unraveling
I can't stop
Can't convince my fingers to still their fidgeting

This is my self-destructive nature
The urge to poke and poke at bruises
To endlessly stick my tongue in the bleeding chasm of a missing tooth
To pick and scratch and needle at everything that
Hurts

This hour
And the next
And the next and the next and the next
I will stare at my phone, crestfallen
Wishing against all hope for your name
Sending desperate messages into the ether
Opening old wounds that I'll never let heal
Praying for the sense to finally let you go

I wanted to stay up to watch the meteors
Not for the sake of the stars
But for the chance to slough off a bit of loneliness
I’ve been restless
And sleepless
And it would have been nice
To have someone gazing back for a change

It would have been nice
If you had come to share the starlight with me
Not for the stars’ sake
But for mine

Sometimes I think we are orbiting each other
Lost in space
Floating in tandem
Locked by gravity in the emptiness
And sometimes
I know that’s nonsense
And that you are the asteroid
Who will knock me into the sun

Still
I must admit
The heat felt good for once