You say, "I ate so much I want to go anorexic"
You don't know
but I'm anorexic
I'm a loose cannon
Doctor says I'm gonna die any day now
but I can't stop
All I think about is food, and calories,
and how good my hip bones would look if I was only 5 pounds lighter
I have no friends anymore.
But I'm surprised.
Even I hate me.
Even I don't want to hang out with me.
I have no life besides sitting at home thinking about carbs
As dead as I look from the outside I feel more dead inside
As cold as I am all the time, my heart is colder.
So don't you dare say you want this life
Don't say this is desirable
Because its not..


I hate myself.
If only I was skinnier...

Please let me breathe today.

I forgot to tell you Happy Father's day the same way you forgot to be a father. Oh.

Reminding myself  of all the ways you made me feel alive is what is killing me now.

As you know there is a part of me that has been suffering for awhile.
And I have tried so hard to push away these feelings of hatred out of my mind
but there is this void inside my heart that hasn't been filled.
When I met you it started to get better.
I started to smile again.
But being with you didn't fill the void that only self love can fill.
I thought that you would be able to fix me.
I thought that if you loved me enough that I would start to love me too.
but I was wrong.
Nobody can fix me except me.
I can't truly love anybody until I love myself and this is so hard to say.
Its hard because I'm hurting but I'm also hurting for you.
I picture you reading this and it breaks my heart.
This is so unfair to you.
But at this point in my life I have to help myself.
You did nothing wrong. This is all my fault and my problems.
You just loved me and you loved me so much that I couldn't bare the thought of being anything less than perfect for you.
This just isn't healthy. I need to get my thoughts back to a healthy place.
Please don't hate me.

1 5 3.

1.I miss the way you laughed at my singing because you felt I always "tried too hard."

2. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder. It meant you cared. But now it means something else.

3. I miss how awake and alert you are in the morning. I miss pushing you and your too much energy self off because I wasn't awake enough yet.

4. I miss your sarcastic jokes that were always followed by a hug and a "I love you" with a chuckle.

5. I miss how silly our conversations were. We talked about everything and anything. You would say "How the hell did the universe come up with you?"

6. I miss the more deep conversations. You looked at the ground while my fingertips drew circles on your back. Your eyes would close and you slowed your breathing. I miss the stillness and that silence. Theres nothing I wouldn't give to trade this silence for that silence.

7. I miss the play fighting. I remember one time someone said "At first, I thought you guys were being serious but then I saw the way he looked at you." If only you could look at me like that again. Like nothing else mattered.

8. I miss your arms and the way it made me feel like I spent all of my life being in the wrong places. The only place, the one place, I belonged was in your arms.

9. I miss your awful jokes. I miss laughing not because I thought it was funny but because you said it and nothing made my heart feel more joy than you.

10. I miss you. I miss the amount of pride I felt standing next to you. I miss the fighting and the screaming and the slamming doors and the making up and the heartache and the pain. It was everything and nothing. It was painful but wonderful. It was all that I imagined love to be. I can't seem to say goodbye but I know you want me to.

With eyes wide shut, my mind paints a vivid picture of the girl I love.
Everything from her frizzy hair, to her weird thumbs, and her amazing mind.
Her laugh makes me weak.
The energy in her spirit causes me to question everything
I ever denied of angels and God.
For if He exist, she is His prized possession.
Your wild antics keep me on my toes.
Your seducing smile sends chills down my spine, cooling the passion burning feverishly in my soul..
But this is a dellusion of the conscience.
When I flip my eyelids you are there,
but not subjected to my love.
You are free of the burdens I place on my chest.
You are only my best friend and I fear that's all you will ever be.
You are my angel that will shine a righteous light and awaken my cold vessel to traquil affection.
Haha, I can only dream..
I stopped believing in fairy tales long ago,
but I will never stop believing in you,
I will never stop listening to you,
I will never stop trusting you,
I will never stop being the rock
you need when the earth beneath you becomes quicksand.
When the world tries to drown you in dispare I will be there to give you life.
I will care for you, feel what you feel because we are one.
You are my better half and
I can't  survive withut you.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
To tell you I love you more
than life itself and I will profess that everywhere anywhere no matter what.
I am proud an grateful for you and all that you have taught me.
Thank you for being my outlet from the hell I suffered through and in
return I was there for you.
I was there to wipe your tears away.
I was there when you thought of taking your life.
I was there when you wanted to go: leave America, marry in Africa, honeymoon in Paris, and grow old in India.
I have been there and I always will.
I am yours..
I wish I didn't neglect you when I did.
I wish I didn't deny my feelings for you, but I am afraid.
It scares me how serious I am about you.
I have cried and ached in your absence.
It hurts, but what's worse is that you don't know.
You may never know.
I never thought that I would be in love with my best friend.
I could only have dreamt it, but when I open my eyes, my feelings applify and I spend the rest of the day lying and repressing them until I slumber and my true reality is born, in which I am together forever with the girl of my dreams..