the kind i cannot write about.

i remember.
i remember telling her, i played Tetris because, everything started to go bad and i missed her.

|everything went bad and somehow that was code for " we cannot be together anymore "
everything went dark and i could not get up and leave because i was truly in denial, i could make it through another quiet month?
everything went bad, went quiet, i slowly became what i was feeling, i went quiet, as i missed her too much to allow myself to be as open before.
everything went bad and i lost parts of me, as if i had anything left to lose.

|i missed her, the very reason for all my pain, i can't even blame her, i gave her the power to build a home in my mind without even living there.
|i don't remember where I begin.
  i don't remember the love i had for you.
i don't remember a night without tears.

broken heart; tear stained pillows, books and sleeves..
you said to me " you are missed " my immediate response was " you are missing from me, baby please come back to me " those words were easily typed and then again erased.. and with that I had to excuse myself and stain the sleeves in the comfort of my own solitude..trapped
i need you, not a part of you but all of you as i gave my everything to you, it may be hard but in order for me to call myself yours, this box, you call home? has to become something more than a vessel i plan my inevitable end

...unless it's with me.

Dating you is anti-climatic
and I'd be ****** if I ever
succumb to a part of me
begging to be cut loose from you.

I don't want to be swallowed by
the euphoria derived from
vintage pictures and videos;
I know that the saccharine
comfort will be both
short-lived and lachrymose.

I don't want to have to
flip through your new pictures daily,
searching for remnants of the love we shared
through the new love you'd then be experiencing.

Usually,
I'd wish nothing but the best
but I want the worse for you.

My mental is too detrimental
to handle you and another.
I don't want to wake up
from constant nightmares
leaving my stomach tied in knots
you'd only see on TV.

I don't want to sit at family dinners alone
when you were suppose to be there with me.
I don't want to have to look at chocolate desserts
and remember how it's your favorite
so although I detest chocolate,
I eat it anyway to somehow
suppress the feeling of you not being there.

I don't want to watch you fall in love with another.
You carry a part of me
every time you're apart from me
and I'd rather you cheat
than to follow what seems like tradition
and leave.

I don't want to watch you fall in love with another.
I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
and I'm down on both knees
pleading please,
oh please

I don't want to watch you fall in love
...unless it's with me.