what is love?

is it a feeling?
is it a decision?
is it a prescribed death?
I have a problem; I have fallen in love.
it is believed to be the 'most beautiful thing',
but if it is
if this is true,
why am I torn between devotion and distress?
is it because he owns my heart,
or is it because he is too far away from me?
is it because I'm mad at myself for craving him so deeply,
or am I mad that I don't have him beside me?
to kiss me. to hug me.
so please, do tell...
how is this 'a beautiful thing'?
if I can't be with him, but I can't live without him?

oh you know, anxiety.
the feeling everybody gets
when they get a turn at the printing center
the feeling everybody gets
when they need to ask the waiter for an extra napkin
the feeling everybody gets
when they have to tell the teacher they don’t understand the difference between mass and atomic number
the feeling everybody gets
when they’re the next to pay in line
the feeling i was fine with feeling;
until i found out... nobody else feels this way.

he calls me on the phone,
says he's leaving in a few days.

what's new?

the tears that threaten to escape me aren't new,
my clenched fist isn't new,
my picked, bleeding lower lip isn't new.

you've always left me, dad.
even when you said you were coming back,
even when you said it wouldn't be for too long,
even when you said you loved me more than anything.

your actions betray your words -
the silver shavings in your hair betray the test of time -
the wrinkles around your eyes betray the man i used to take you for.

i hate this time of year -
because all i want to do is hold your face in my hands -
and feel the skin that belongs to me -
and look into the brown eyes that belong to you -
and i want to tell you -
how much, how much, how much i love you.

how much i love you -
despite the hurt -
despite your absence -
despite you being a man that doesn't know he has a child that loves him so much.

i still love you, dad. i'll be waiting for you to come home.

i'm bleeding diamonds -
twinkling and twinkling as they shatter on the black floor -
shining like falling stars as they leak from my ***** body.

i'm wounded,
can't you see?
you kissed me on the forehead,
and i fell to my knees.

the diamonds spilled from my open mouth -
the diamonds spilled from the corners of my eyes -
the diamonds spilled from the fatal wound in my chest.

i don't know where the crystals came from -
but i think they must have come from you.
you kissed me on the lips,
and caused these little stars to be cut out from inside of me.

it burns so much -
but -
it feels like i am being cleaned from within.

Sitting in the dark,
The soundless void consumes me.
Where did I get to the point
Where even my thoughts have no sound?

I don't like to express myself
Because I know I'll be put down.
You say you wouldn't do that to me,
But darling,  don't you see?
You already have.
So now I sit silently
Having nothing to share.
No individuality.
No importance,
No need to be here.
I'm about as needed
As a white crayon is
On white paper.

Don't ever close your eyes going 65 on a back country road,
Just don't
It is the scariest thing I know

It's like walking down the stairs and missing a step
And your heart does that dip

It's like being pushed into water off a high cliff
And having the fear of drowning imprinted on your brain

It's like falling in love
The scary rumors of pain
Behind every form of contact

But here I am
With you,
On a back country road
With our eyes closed.