I felt his hands
Tremble across the small of my back
And I knew neither of us
Had a clue what we were doing.
But we did it with such a fit of glory
That none of that mattered anyway.

I've penned hard-edged words often,
You being the only thing that softens
Them up.

I promised you I'd take you away
From here one day
And that's a promise I intend to keep.
If given the chance,
I would take you with me on my every daily endeavor
And I would kiss you with every passing second
To make up for all the ones you deserved
But didn't receive
When I was just a little girl
And the world was turning it's back on you
So harshly.
And I would be criticized
For my loving you;
Too wide of an age gap,
To vast of a difference
But I am closer to you
That I have ever been
With anyone else.
I will take you to the beaches of California
I have never seen
And I will make love to you
In the crisp Colorado air,
So long as you're willing to run with me.
We can go to New York
And skip rocks in the pond
In Central Park where Holden Caulfield
Almost drowned himself because he was drunk,
But not quite as drunk as I perpetually am
On your excellence.
Maybe we could go to the Natural History Museum
And we could look at the really cool Indian statues
That emulate my love for you
By never changing.

Wherever it is you want me to go
I will follow you with no questions asked
So long as when I'm finally able to save you
From this wretched place,
You will take my hand and save yourself
With me.

I know I've been sent before
To scream and proclaim my innocence
But I've always been the one
Who people turn to
When they don't know where they are.
I'll press my hands against the wall
You've built around your voice
And I'll tear it down gently
If you'll allow it.
I've always been an expected saviour,
But you're the kind of person
I wouldn't mind saving once in a while.
I'll never learn to accept
Your humble praise even though I know
Just that will number my days.
I'm not a peacock,
But I'd like to believe that in the beginning
And even now
I had something beautiful
That benefited you in some way.

I'm sickened by people my age
Who smoke but don't pay for their cigarettes
On their own accord.
What's the point
Of committing the only legal form of suicide
If your parents are paying for it?

Tonight
I know for **** sure
That I won't sleep well.
I'll be too busy,
Wrapped within my inhibitions,
Pondering the ******-social ramifications
Of telling you
To *******.

Because in the end,
I know we're all just cosmic play things to God,
But why the **** did you get to be Legos to Him
While I got stuck
Being some Barbie,
Some Malibu Stacy doll?
Why did you get so many possibilities,
So many complicated pieces
While I got a primitive set of dainty high heels
To run the world from?

A nihilist will tell you
That suicidal thoughts
Are not bad,
More of a comfort actually.
Because as long as deep down,
You know you don't have the ***** for it,
You can use those thoughts
As a plan to run.
It's easy to deal with what's in front of you
When you have a ******* escape route.

Always have that escape route ready,
But never use it.
I promise
That your heart will feel lighter
And your soul
Just a smidgen freer.

This morning I was looking at time capsules on Amazon
Because I thought it would be cool
To bury some stuff I love
So I could remember myself

And tonight I want to die in such a way
That I am collapsible,
Able to fit in your pocket,
Behind a locked bathroom door so strong
That all these men around me
Have to team up to break it down
Because I want others
To remember *me.