I remember how much it hurt

I remember letting myself fall in love with him
even though I could almost taste her lip gloss
when his lips brushed my own

I remember how warm his hands were
in my own
on my face
on my stomach
on my arm
when he kissed me
he lit fires that burned down houses
that resided in my veins

bittersweet memories are better than none.

I noticed
          The way you stared
                   You tried to hide it
But I noticed

I noticed
        How you apologized quickly
                       I shrugged it off
But I noticed

I noticed*
         I said the wrong thing
                    you laughed it off
but I noticed

I noticed
             the sad glances or smiles
                          you'd try and play it off
But I noticed

I noticed
         I am an Anchor made of glass
                      thrown off the edge
                           you try to stop me from sinking
                                           but you can't stop when I shatter

When my name is on your screen
Do you not know what to do
Life has been so mean
But it led me right to you

And when they played that song
And we screamed it to the sky
It doesn't seem like its been long
Since we've ever felt so high

I'm not sure what you've done
Or who you've kissed before
But your smile is my sun
And you make my heart soar

what do you think when my names on your screen?
Do you get how I feel, do you know what I mean?

I cannot say that you don't love me
But I swear you stay a few seconds less every time
And  I find you leaning away
more often than leaning in
And your hand fumbles for my zipper
More than it does for my hand
And I know you say you love me
But I also know you thought you loved her
You tend to say things you don't mean often

I don't want to be caught in the future.
I don't want the past trailing behind us,
the unholy shadow is a constant reminder.
I want to live in the present.
I want to love you now,
not tomorrow, not yesterday, but today.


Today I want to hold you close
and breathe that old familiar smell,
and talk with your mom over breakfast.
and Today I want to build a fort
made of sheets and blankets,
we can hide in them all day
because nothing else matters, today.

With him, everything is just extremes
Because he makes me extremely happy and he makes me extremely sad
There's no in between
He has the power to make me feel
Like the sun is shuning for me
And the sunrise is something he drew
But this means he can crush everything I am
Until I'm shards of glass
Scattered on the floor
He's the type of boy
That can make June feel like the middle of November
But he makes my heart feel like I'm falling off the tallest tower
I'm falling into all that he is
I suppose they end the same

It has been awhile since I have written to you
on torn lined paper
that smelt like me
I am sorry this is not from my notebook
and you cannot really smell anything
you cannot see what this page looks like
I do not want you to cry anymore
I know each day that passes
each time I say something
It's as if I am tearing your heart
shredding
ripping
breaking
your heart all over again
I know it seems that I do not want to be around
that I am running and hiding
silence
darkness
you are alone
i know that's how you feel
but i could not tell you
all these different reasons
lists
pages
books
of reasons
and I could not tell you one
and I'm sorry

I close my eyes and watch the streetlights pass through the sunroof
Day
Night
Day
Night
Passing quicker than i couldve ever imagined
I hope deep inside that it takes me to an alternate universe
Where he is not driving this car
I hope it takes me somewhere nice
When i open my eyes
I am a princess riding in my carriage to the park
I am still 4 years old
And the park is my courtyard
But i close my eyes
As the sunlight peaks through the branches
Day
Night
Day
Night
I find it wondrous that time can move so quickly but nothing has yet to change

I can hear it louder now,
Its ticking once again.
I can hear my watching screaming
"Time is up for you my friend"
See poetry is not a gift
Nor a way of life
Poetry is gushing blood
When pulling out a knife
That knife was burrowed deep inside
It felt like it was the end
then he said, i take that back
Time is up for you my friend
The gushing blood screamed out to me
You cannot make this right
You can kick and you can scream
But this is not your fight
This is on his shoulders now
The weight does make him sick
Still he does not care on bit
That your watch no longer tics

He sends me a card every year for my birthday
and he signs it
"Love always".

Not long after I get a call,
"you've grown so much,
you're absolutely beautiful,
I love you.
How old are you now?"

I ignore the phone everytime he calls
But my mom always finds a way
To pass the phone to me.
"Who is it?" "Just talk"
I don't want to talk.

She makes me thank him for the gifts
And the money and the cards.
She makes me thank him.
"He's always thinking of you".
I too am always thinking of him.
Even though i don't want to,
Even though i would rather forget him,
But i take the phone and say thank you.
"Its polite" my mom states matter of factly.
As if everything is okay,
As if she doesnt notice I hold my breath until the very moment i give the phone back.
As if I dont know why he's on vacation.
Why hes been on "vacation" for the last 6 years.
It should have been sooner
I couldve stopped that.
I didnt know.
She doesnt know.

If a heart breaks
and no one is around to hear it,
does it make a sound?

If you take that plane,
but I am not around to see it,
did you really leave?

I've never felt more like a traitor
than with your back facing mine like this.
my father told me that he would always love me
but he does not tolerate a liar
and this feels like the biggest lie I've ever told.
but I can't seem to get myself to pick up the phone
or come clean about everything I've ever done
and so I do what traitors do best,
and I lie, and let you love me for who you think I am

I think that looks can really ****
Because in a matter of seconds when you walked by
My heart
Beat faster
And Faster
And Faster
And Faster
Until
It
Just
**Stopped.

Nothing
     Has
           Ever
  Sounded
         So
           Sweet
       Like
Your
       Voice
            Miles
       Away
   In
       Distance
    But
Inches
     Apart
    In
Mind
                   **(J.E.V)

The tears of this world were left on the pavement
she sent out her friends to cry “it was you
who locked her in this airless enslavement
you cannot just take her because you want to”
and the children of orange and yellow
tremble at the sound of her screams and her sighs
the saddened sound of the old man’s cello
is nothing compared to her sorrowful eyes
and yet she welcomes me with arms wide open
she forgets the heartache that she must bare
forgetting that, Yes! Her heart has been broken
letting the sun graze the tear stricken air
She whispered through the winds “please don’t cry for me,
Tears will leave me empty, drowning in my sea”

If you ask me...
The stars have been disappearing one by one since you stopped answering my texts
And my car veers a little towards your street whenever I pass
even though I know youre not there.
My hands aren't on the wheel anymore
and I can hear the brakes screeching but then it's silent
and for a moment.


You love me again

I kinda got a crush, you see,
but I'm not sure if you like me
And In this week I'll show to you,
all the things I want to do
to make you smile, ear to ear.
Stay a while, please, my dear?
I want our friendship to remain
I'm sorry that I'm sorta plain
but I'll face a certain fear of mine
and ask if you'll be my valentine?

When I met you
I couldn't remember
your name

When I met you
I tried to avoid you
And the other boys stares

When I met you
I had one thing on my mind
And you were not it

but you had snaked your way into my mind
and you had broken barriers I built long ago
and I still don't understand how someone like you
could destroy in weeks
what I took years to build

I want to hear you say my name
Early in the morning
Between every bite of breakfast
You want to hear me say your name
Late at night
Between every gasp of air

Your eyes remind me of oceans
Not just because they're blue
But they're mysterious and unpredictable
And I know they're going to pull me under
'Till I'm drowning completely

"You're a liar!" He said
"You fueled the fire that burned our house down but i am not afraid to build from the ashes. Hang scorched pictures of us on my walls and tuck the noose you tied for me under the bed with the other things we pretend never happened" and so he did.

I am so **** sick
Of pretending I dont care
About who you are

And i am so sick
Of forever being a
Temporary thought

That leaves your mouth with
The bittersweet tatse of the
Memories we shared

You were never white noise waiting to be interrupted,
you were the big bang,
you were everything that was right in the world
and I've been trying real hard to forget that.
I've been trying hard to forget about the way you laugh
and how your eyes shine in the sunlight
or how you dance
and your hair falls across your face
screaming I don't care
because that night we didn't,
Its as if life right then had begun,
not with silence but with a big bang
and I just want to forget that.

11:59 pm
          
          in one minuet
                   sixty seconds
                        even sixty thousands milliseconds
            Today will be gone
                       Today will be yesterday
                             and tomorrow will be today
             Everything you did today
                         every person you met
                                  every conversation
                                          everything you saw
                                                   and touched
                          

                                                                    is gone.
    
                  You'll remember
                        or even worse.
                            you'll forget
                      you'll lose it in  all your  lost memories
      
                            gone
                  



                                                                   *12:00 am
      
                                                                       Today.

I wrote a line
then threw out the paper
this continued for a good hour
writing
crumpling
writing
crumpling
I just couldn't find the words
that explained how I felt

then I realized
that says it all.

MAYBE I'M JUST TOO IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE LOVED.

My accomplishment goes unnoticed,
she apologizes and asks once more,
I start again
she walks away.
I look towards the empty space
and I am five again.
Small and helpless
and alone

I can't sleep
I'm thinking about

You.

Can you sleep?
or are you thinking about

me.

We're just teenagers
Who think we know all about love,
We think we know about life
And we think we know who we are.
But someone is going to break our hearts
And someone is going to crush our dreams
Until we forget who we thought
We were in the first place

I can hear my watch ticking
I never noticed that before

(I) can't stop thinking about you

I wonder, (did) you read it

I don't know why (this) is being written

but I have (to) tell you, I care

not for you but for (myself)