Dear moon,
Sing me the song of solace at the midnight hour.
Illuminate all of the dark souls that roam at night,
For we are all souls living a human experience.

Strip me bare of this human skin,
Allow my soul to rise to the clouds.
I want to see what you see.

Last night I tossed
three rusty pennies
towards the I-Ching
(chinese book of changes)
once again
looking for direction
into my  blurry
future.

Magic happened.

I couldn't have received a
more freakishly amazing
answer to my query.

I read and re-read the surreal
prediction singing to me
from the ancient text.
(that even Confucius religiously consulted!)

I read it over and over and over
again, as the happy butterflies
inside my stomach flew
in swirls and twirls and dips
and dives - tickling me with
glee!

I was filled with
a Joy I’d never felt before, combined
with an assured confidence which suddenly
became my oxygen - each breath
felt like electricity and….magic.

But, just like clockwork
the voice entered my head.

"You probably threw the coins wrong."
"You probably read the outcome wrong."
"Stop kidding yourself.  This **** isn't real."
"No one gets this lucky."
"You don't deserve this."

Immediately, I could feel
the lukewarm cloak of
the voice embrace me in
its faux maternal darkness.

The embrace of the one
who relentlessly picks
at the scabs of my wounds -  
that are endlessly
begging to heal.

The embrace of the one that reminds
me of the continual pains
I’ve endured which made
me stop believing in magic.  

(see, when you carry chronic
disappointments around you
feel safest inside the lonely
arms of Pessimism).

But what if I choose to Believe?

What if I stand
at the precipice of life and
jump into its magical arms,
knowing full well it’s
going to catch me and bounce
me toward my dreams, like a
hot potato?

What if I believe that
I am entitled to inspiring, juicy, **** endless success?  
What if I believe the Universe -
with all of its magnificent possibilities -
IS conspiring to put me at
all the right places at
all the right times?

What if I believe I DESERVE all of the magic?
What if I courageously FOLLOW the path of  my dreams?
What if the oracle is RIGHT?!

Why not find out?
..

I'm lying to myself again,
who shall i be this week.
Bottled blonde,
Girlish flair.
Brunette beauty,
Intellectual grace.
Fiery Ginger,
Strong and fierce.
Make up plastered to cover up the true me,
So i can go on being whichever personality you want me to be.
To eat or not to eat today,
Workout til your body gives out.
Hate myself for being this way,
But i can't stop this is what the games all about.
It never ends.
This game i play daily started out as just a way to stand out, stand up and scream "here i am! Please take notice of me! I'm doing this all
Can't you see I'm doing this all for you!"
ill be anyone you want me to be,
I just wont be me.

What if I told you of a girl with eyes as deep as the ocean
The most beautiful ones you're liable to see
Whose hair and whose eyes
Share the stunning blue of the sea

What if I told you that she gave a chance
To a monster like me
That through the darkness inside
There was a beauty she could see

What if I told you she was beautiful in every way
That she was perfect as perfect could be
From her smile to her laugh, the way she fell asleep
Curled up in my arms, clutching tight to me

What if I told you I lost it all
Because of a night of darkness she could see
And that what scared me the most
Is thinking we may never again be

I'm a thief of the worst kind;
a mother who's selfish, bitter and out of her mind.
I stole their childhood,
because of me it wasn't great,
it wasn't even good.
No one to bake their birthday cake
no one to play with or skate.
I didn't take them to the movies or the park
I was always ****** up, everything dark.
I stole and and they can never get it back.
They forgave me anyway
because they're awesome like that.
Some people lose their kids but I threw mine away
Too lost in my addiction to take them out to play.