at the same time
i'm glad that i'm not afraid to get hurt
like, Jesus Christ
you don't know how happy i am
that i fell for someone who will never love me back
me letting her clench her hands onto my heart
ripping it out of my rib cage while telling me
she loved me and i would beg her
to stop but i'll let myself bleed

it's all a good thing
we all need pain because when its 3 a.m.
and she's the only thing on your mind
and you're crying, rolling around in bed
to see if you crash into her body and
you realize she will never be there
it sure will hurt like hell but ****, at least you'll feel something

j.f

I hate
a million times hate
when people say
"people should fall in love
with their eyes closed"

Because when I did
she didn't let me open my eyes

j.f

I'm really anxious to scribble about you because
it makes me feel everything that you make me feel
and everything feels so much more honest and sincere
when my words smudge up against
the side of my palm and dye it blue
as my pen dashes to keep up with my heart and tears

but I don't want it to be honest and sincere
or feel that way anymore
because I thought I was moving on
moving on from ache
that I wish I didn't crave
I thought I knew all of this was
unwise and non-realistic

but maybe I need to stop thinking
and just let myself feel;
feel the goosebumps you give me,
feel the pain you give to my wrists,
feel the blood you infuse into my veins and
all the blood I let out of my veins because of you  

but maybe I don't need to know everything,
like exactly what you're thinking
or exactly how I feel
maybe even exactly how you feel
or how all of this is going to turn out
because I already have an idea of how it will turn out to be
but I don't even need to have an idea
I just need to let it be and
whatever happens, happens

Everything isn't always going to be clear,
and not everything is going to be given to you by hand
and you'll always have to work for what you want
and let go of everything that makes you anxious
because you know that at the end you will be pleased
with just loving yourself
not just by loving you, whom doesn't love me

I'd like to be able to leaf through the trees and smile
even if you are not there, wandering besides me

j.f

I know that you believe you can't love somebody
I know that the people that mean the most
to you, love you but don't show the affection
like you want them too

So you believe that you can never love somebody

but the way you loved me was unbelievable
you cared for me like you care for that cup of tea

you showed me how it was to care for somebody
I showed you that the way your collarbones sticked out was perfect
You showed me that my imperfections were perfect  
I  showed you how it feels to be yourself around somebody and feel okay

We both showed each other how it feels to have somebody with you every orbit of the earth
                              but
One thing I didn't show you was that it's okay to admit that you love somebody

j.f

it's been a while since i've heard you say
                                    i love you
so i think about it and if you still love me
                                        like you claim you do
but i dont even know if i love you
like i claim to love you or
                  just the idea of you
and
sadly, that is the worse way to love someone

j.f

I wish you would lie to me
once more  
and say I love you
(please) do as I say and lie to me
I know you can read this
and when you do
(if you ever do)
this is your sign of please don't (come) back
don't put me under your skin again
don't put me in the (back) of your thoughts again
don't  hurt me

(to) infuse poison into my veins was one thing  
but to let (me) die for you instead of falling
knowing we weren't for one another was another thing

j.f

What I don't understand is why you think
I'm such gold and treasure
I'm not as special as you think
I'm not the girl you think I am
I'm just a girl who yet needs to learn how to love herself before she can ever love anybody else

You believe you're in love with
                                                        who I am
                                         what I am
but you're just confused
just as I'm confused
with the love you think you have for me
I find it beautiful how someone can think they're in love with me
                          the idea of me

You believe you're in love with me because
of the way
           I listen
the way
                         we share the same opinions
but some opinions aren't correct for others just like you and I are for each other

I know a boy can never love me
as much as you love me
and I know where the future holds with me saying    
     "I should have taken him when he loved me"
but it is for the best and all I can say is thank you for loving me when no other boy          can

I don't know how to end this poem
just as
                I don't know how to end your love for me

j.f

I'm beginning to think that at any moment you will finally walk out on me, and if you do you're giving up on someone who is willing to do anything for you, who will give up on life just to make you happy. The only thing I want, is to be with you. If I was able to hold your hand for the rest of my life or even just hear your voice and see you smile, I wouldn't stop loving myself. I want to tell you every second how much you mean to me, because no one has ever meant more. I would want to be able to feel your skin, help you and make you smile, if only you would just let me.

j.f

Tricked myself into loving an image I created
someone I
    wanted you to be
and now
            I'm here leading you on
which is not only breaking you but me
it's not me being selfish
    because
I care about your happiness more than mine
but I think
    it was only to apologize for trying to change you into something you're not
and I don't want to leave you
    because I feel like you need me
but I got to think of my happiness too
and I'm not sure if that means I'm in love with you
or
  just

pitiness

j.f

I wish I knew who you were
so I can let myself fall,
                                        fall into your invisible arms
get buried into your chest
where your blood flowing non-existent heart is at
fall asleep with the sound
of your soft voice tickling my ear

but I'm afraid of falling,
                                           falling into something
that isn't there
and what isn't there


                                  is you

j.f

I get lonely in the dark holy nights
it makes me judge my image
So i grab that pretty little silver sparkling blade

***** that that's the way i express it
But
I fall asleep with a smile on my face

j.f

They say that when
you can't sleep at night
it's because someone out
in this blind world
is thinking of you

I've noticed
you've had bags
under your eyes

I'm sorry that you haven't slept

j.f

all these goosebumps
that once laid on my arms
from your sweet words
became a hatred i wish i had upon yourself
i always said i had to forget about you
just move on but how can i forget you?
you make my heart beat in a way it never has
you made me believe in love for the first time
and how love hurts
how it doesn't feel like how you feel
when you watch a romantic movie
i would walk 30 billion miles just to be
touched by you
i would cut off my lips just to prove to you
that no one else would be touching them
oh, how i want you
oh, how much i think i need you
but i'm still staying no matter the pain you give
i'm sorry i make you angry
i'm sorry i make you confused
about how love is suppose to feel
i can't say you don't do the same
i love you
i wish i did later
maybe even earlier
maybe not even at all

i hope you know that
even though we are out of love
i still think about you when the sky is
crying at 4 a.m. thinking that maybe
the sky misses you too
i also hope you know that
when the sky is shining bright at 8 a.m.
that you will always be the first thing
i think about
when i wake up

j.f

I know that you always wanted
to see a girl that
her eyes shined like diamonds
her attitude's like summer
and the way
she walks is like rain
but you never asked me what I wanted
because if you did
my answer would just be one word



        


                                              ­                       "you"

j.f

One day I will forget
the sound of your voice  
but not the touch that
your skin allowed
because you never even
allowed me to remember it

j.f

(I )think my biggest fault was
wanting to know everything
that was yet to cross your mind
I want to know everything you feel
at any given moment
what you (wish) for when the clock hits 11:11
( I) want you to want me to know why
you painted your bedroom walls dark blue
(was) it that the day you picked the bucket of paint
you saw the sea really dark and you wanted to feel free and wild?
(on) the day of your birthday do you feel older?
i want to know (your) fears and
which day of the week you feel happiest on
and whats on your (mind)
before you close your eyes into darkness
But most of all
I want to know everything you feel
even just by me glancing at you

j.f

I love you so much

so I gave up on you
stopped talking to you
and watched you love somebody else

and even though I know I am miserable and so sad not speaking to you

I know I am so much better off
without you

we both knew we were meant for one another
but
we were just two lost souls
grasping for air
searching for a place to fit in
that we never realized
how one day one of us
would just
give up
and
stop trying

then it hit you
you finally realized
that the one you were searching for was standing in front of you all along
but now ..
now it's too late
she is falling for another
while you watch
as she watched you simply not try and give up

j.f

You fixed me
when I brok
                      e
took all the pain away
saved me from drowning

you also broke me
and all the pain came flooding back
but I didn't know how to swim
and this time you didn't come to save me

j.f

I'm trying to picture the days we spent in your house hidden from friends so they won't bother our only time together
I dont remember it so clearly anymore
your face is erasing off of my mind so soon

                                     I fear that
                                when I wake up
                          tomorrow you won't be
                       the first thing on my mind

I fear that
tomorrow I will
   forget somebody who
       meant so much to me

                                                          You dont fear that
                                                     tomorrow you will
                                           forget somebody who
                                     meant so much to you

                because it already happened
                                yesterday  

j.f

you lied when you said you loved me
                                                                ­                    
                                      and i lied when i said i didn't love you back


j.f

And the moment will end
And love will fade out
And things will get boring
And tears will be coming out
from one of us
And you might walk away from
each other and never say another word to each other but that's how it goes and that's how life is nothing will last forever and people don't last forever and things will walk out of your life like it's nothing and it's okay

But she will remember the good things you  did
She will remember how much you loved him
She will remember when you would stay up all night just to comfort him
She will remember all the times she was sad and you would be the first person she would talk too
She will remember when you would be there for her when no one else was around
And she will remember the small things a lot longer

And years from now she might remember how happy she made you
might remember your laugh for 3 seconds and it will go to the back of her mind again and she will smile
Smile for as long as she can remember your hair and your laugh and your voice but it will all be gone again
But everything you ever did for her or tried to do will be pinned in the back of her mind
She will remember how honest you were and how deeply you affected her
She might not remember your name but she will remember how that unknown person made her feel

but now there is nothing else left
no more of that love he will just remember your happiness when you were together and he will be happy and think if you have found happiness again

And you know what? That's all that really matters at the end

i know the day i finally catch you i will say no words but kiss those lips of yours even if i make a mistake and kiss someone who by far isn't you but at least then i can finally replace you

j.f

You were
the only
person
to
make
me
smile
in my
darkest time



Now you are the reason for my dark times

j.f

The way we connected was beautiful just like I thought you were but I know what we
could have been is something
that I, we  couldn't get
               a hold of

                  at the end
we were both too afraid
to embark on the opportunity
we had that we just went on with life
                                       without one another


I guess we weren't so inseparable like humanity         thought we were

                look at us
just a f e w steps away from each other but
                m    i    l   es  away in our minds

j.f

I don't want somebody else
knowing how your eyes seem to glow when the sun stares
to know how it feels to
           put their head on your chest and feel your calm heart beat

I don't want somebody else
who's eyes seem to glow when the sun stares
           and to lay on their chest knowing it isn't you

I don't know what i want

I don't know what will be worse either

having someone else
                                                                       or
you loving someone much more than you ever loved me

j.f

when i met you
i didn't think
i was going to like you as much as i do

and i really wish i didn't

j.f