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229 · May 2015
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann May 2015
'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.
' will you try? '

O'  to describe that silence...
Put in words that look...
found behind proud eyes,  
As a man of greatness stared,
quietly into the distance.
To the cushion of memory
..  
The startled rabbit. The prey that feels it is hunted.
228 · Apr 2014
breath it in
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
It was the first time,
I'd ever gone on alone
just to see, to learn, to know
what's gone wrong
and what's missing
Oh, I ****** up
through and through
when at the edge of this world
I saw fog, rising from the oceans
puddles that burn
with smoke that makes one want
motivation in the wind
breathe it in, breathe it in.
227 · Mar 2014
know you. only to know
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2014
to be there right now
And all that separates
feet And inches
and right now is right now
too often I forget this
in a dark room down
devoted curled up next to me
but my thoughts are of you
standing above growing without
this life the next and another
I'll know you and wish I said so
what am i doing now I and this
standing up seeking out
and to know only to know you
Blah...  Unfinished
225 · Nov 2014
What & Why I Do This
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
What I do, I create,
and shelve away
Too many ways to focus
each unique but all with one purpose
I want to draw it out.
To write it all down
as fresh as it feels
emotions are this need
and I am never free
Always wanting,
only partially pleased
Unsatisfied.
224 · Dec 2013
Minds Eyes Like Mine
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2013
Those that have not will never see
These things people are going through
Some old and a half off the ground
Hours ago on a paid version of this
and they, a half hour or so ago didn't know
What to get in my work and play
Some more of an old friend and would be
A great way of saying that I have nothing
Else if the user can be the best of the loveless
I Have a lot of distance to get my work
and I still don't understand
Why you should have a lot to want after that
I'll never fit in with the monster
So proud and so much
Too long to respond to your life
Strife to get my hands on the pitch
The end, but I love the idea that you can
Literally hundreds and the other hand I am in love
With the monster and the blue
Bright side and a lot more to do
Something about the presents the world was
Supposed I am so sorry I missed you
So so so so much
For sharing this with yourself
Father of, and the good people
224 · Jun 2017
ocean
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2017
Rolling with the waves
upon an ocean of you
Knowing no Horizon approaching
only the sun reflecting
surface turmoil distorting reason
  why do you hold me lost
I asked the Stars and moon
but they don't hear me
you own the air and its winds
Refuse to carry the words away from me up and down,  Rising to begin another  fall,
rolling with no helm, no sail catching adrift lost and exactly where you want me at the mercy of this place
ocean of my memories, Lost
Clutching onto this vessel
Crestented 'Loss'
feeling lost missing
You
222 · Aug 2021
Unknown Knowing
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
Fear in this
Possibilities endless
No solid proof
Leaving us to guess
On which do we then
Place our faith
Does it matter?
Until then
Guessing is best.
219 · Jun 2017
Glutton For Punishment
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2017
Caught up,
By & in this
fragrence
The long lost
Remains devastating
As beautiful, as dangerous
Stirring the fantasies
My foolish wants
Adrift
longing to be
weightless the kiss
I entertain
As an idle question
Once more the
Unlearned lesson
Oh the way she looks
Timeless, but different
wrapped and adorned
By how many years?
Her eyes hold my breath
So much inner dialog
and I know, I do
Caution.

Glutton for punishment
218 · May 2021
No Two Ways
Jack R Fehlmann May 2021
When I need,

that,

that finds no want

reciprocating.

Only  

that lack itself

as proof

that,

no two ways

may, combined

bring that

that,

first and last

best,

part once found

in Me Back
217 · Jun 2021
We Are...
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
The moth in flight, confused
Frantic chasing moonlight.

Rolling grey opaque skies
Devouring perfect blue.

Sulphur dragged friction
Fed fingertips if left to burn

Incredible and misunderstood

A mix of emotions stirred
watercolor water you and I

Simplistically too desperate to get it.

We are... Progress working at times.
210 · Oct 2015
So What, You Lied
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2015
So what?,.
So you lied to me.
You might have tried to spare my feelings?
Maybe...  A way to be polite...  
I know.  
I've done it myself.
But then you look me in the eye...
Girl that was over the top!
Deceitful and ugly
....  Goodbye
209 · Dec 2021
I Don't Know
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2021
I don't know...
Until i do.
What it means to miss someone
To long for conversation
Or be a rock in a storm
Be a reason for spontaneous purchase
recipient of affections
one half of a whole
being wanted as reward
I don't know
Not anymore
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
Such a Thing

To see that face everyday
But my wants keep consuming
the games fate plays are abrasive
taking layers and vital parts
and my heart feels several shades
that fall up to sink apart
and multiple layers that all bleed grey
like too much soup in the wicked heat
believe me it is a special ache
Universal to those that know and do
owned only by the honey like memory
and ice storms of simple missing
Thats it, just the lack of them, of it
As I do, caught and caged this fool
Other men, that man I was that man
he knows you and that knowledge is caustic
my insides falling to pieces as you lift him up
I was, and I most likely shall only had been
a film developed before the picture shot
had you and me in it
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
I see you in the grain of the wood,
That was our front door

Once,.. Sometimes,...
turns out to be the only "once" you get

I hear you in the storms,
when lightning strikes and rolls over, and away
In every drop of rain on the window
we used to make love beneath
Another life ago,

Here in this version of that life
I still catch glimpses
little hints, teasing the edge of my vision
or I swear I may have almost heard my name
the voice so close, was it, could it have been
but no, just the chimes blowing outside that window

So like your voice,... only,... different
only the wind
just a quick attempt at something... eh... not my best but something anyway.  enjoy.
207 · Feb 2021
Not
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
Not
I am not here
This is not me
I am more than what
This innocent
only temporary
I need not usher in
All will come clear
As I transend
Not before then
203 · Sep 2021
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
If I can,
I might one day.

If I did,
I might own up one day.

If I said,
I might not have meant.

One day I will be judged.

I must,
Remember this consciously.

Before that one day comes.
198 · Dec 2018
That Very Moment
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2018
I finally took a hard look
Seeing myself as I seem to be
To Her eyes, the same as she must
That very moment
she decides
She walks away.
197 · Nov 2014
Untitled
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
If I look at this life,
At today, or tomorrow
Yesterday, I see what is behind me
I see your face, my smile
exactly the way we once were.
Still I wake up tomorrow,
another day of pretending.
This is okay, but inside denial.
more and more hollow,
the way my heart aches,
so I don't look for tomorrows.
I much rather turn around,
and look upon those yesterdays,
because right now, the next day,
they seem less worth while
They are as empty then
as they are now,
yesterday is worth my gaze.
back then was everything.
written a long time ago came
194 · Sep 2021
Quickly. Before I go.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
Whose eyes have eyed
quick lines composed by thee
Few they may be but true
A lone soul said
to the empty world.

Sad.  Aye it may be
Said to be said
heard to exercise demons
which are we
the heard,
or the one that said it

Now, I really
really must I
go.
187 · Apr 2014
I Know; You Know
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
you know that I know
You,  turn it off
You pretend
Or You say differently
Words we both avoid
Or at least I do,..
What do you know
that I don't also understand
but do I?
I deserve the truth
so, when you said you wouldn't
couldn't, did not want it,... No
I know, You know
you won't cause you don't
Why don't we learn
relax and enjoy our time here
as moments they slip
they fade away
we will also, one day fade
one day when I arrive looking
my mind having focused
committed to the decision
with out tools, guessing
inaccurate and elementary
words don't come so easily
All the time, but maybe
this note will bring up images
of you, and of the past
how things have changed
for the better, for the worst
you know I know you
I knew you
work in progress
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2018
To have list Her
And not fight
They, those, these
Words in my inner workings
words effectively warring
Resisting in silent protest
Festering, my needs plunder
As lines form into grey matter
That, these, they Me, myself, my mind
Until it fell to the numbers
Of versus and rewrites flanking
Blanket bombing me heartlessly
As such one is broken, pieces
Painfully calling for a medic
Where?medic! A that my place
As I've lost my heart anyway
I, me, my reasons unnoticed
white flag of defeat ineffective
too soaked in the greys and blues
The opaque army colors of Loss
Who, whom, Her!  and... Words fallen
My gaze falls in behind their descent
Of fire and black boiling javelins
Plummet,  stretch to drive
These, they, those memories
of bayonet like effectiveness run through.
This, the, my,
Last heart as my mind
With no desire, need, drive
And the war to find how best to write
For,of, about, Her...
Slips beyond the fabric of my time here
To hide bits and pieces,
I will like to be reminded one day
Not however today, no
Today I surrender to the waves
And force of emotions such loss causes.
Under boots of goodbye
And destroyers staffing lines
Echoing why why why
I wasn't good enough.  ...
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2020
I lose count
The quantity of times
Occasions lied to
Or as proof forgotten
Can't right now
One go to favorite
Busy, busy, busy, you are
Why use "will" when
Tomorrow is here,
Passes again and again
Perhaps "maybe"
A tad less dishonest
"No" "not" even "ever"
If together are no question
Truthful, borderline respectful
And we both know
What is not done, not said
Leaves closure open
To discussion.
185 · Sep 2018
My own design
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
One day will change the way
I see my world, my fate and my hurt
Come to new terms
And eyes that try, as hard as mine
Suddenly find Me,
No more hiding, denying
Trying to protect,
the little I thought I had left
When inside is all that was needed
the right light
I find it though in those eyes
welcoming, hearts sacred sunshine.
Emotionally climbing,
out of these walls of my own design
184 · Oct 2021
Folly
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Hello, Folly.  

What shall I do today?

Okay.

Thank You Folly.
With out you...
Things may change.

Worse, they stay the same.

With you Folly,
One tries anyway.
178 · May 2021
In the Meadows of My Mind
Jack R Fehlmann May 2021
I wander the rolling hills
Of emotions held inside.

Aimless in spite of trying.

The rise and fall
Bending the line
Of endless meadow
Embracing your sky.

Hoping to find you
In the Meadows of my mind.
177 · May 2019
Forever imperfect struggle
Jack R Fehlmann May 2019
So suddenly, certainly, the certainty
Itself, as it was does seem to vanish.
It had been... Had it not?.. Been.
Real as the hidden clauses, was it not love?
Contingent upon unfaultered perfection, love offered
Promises given, whispered and offered in acts and,
In written words poetically dedicated and surrendered.
Known to be as it holds a cadence it, this, unspoken unobtainable and loafty demand that nothing less,
No hint of weakness or need of any but your own be shown.
At pain of loss, at loss of stature and withdrawal of unproven unconditional love whispered across those infuriatingly
And unforgettable lips I know I do and will and forever still promise to, try after, cry over forever to fail for, you, yours, our love. As I know no want no need, no other will be mine, as it seems neither are or will yours be mine... Love.
As human and imperfect and made of lesser things than the stone you desire, I am destined to fail, every attempt I make at being perfect.
173 · Oct 2021
A Pattern to discern
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Reading thoughts owned and placed for hidden purpose
I begin to notice a pattern that is one of searching
travels and sought after views, of seeking and wanting
another life, or, appreciative reflection
of places I have never been, or that elude
when in truth, I have been no where, seen nothing
other than my day to day, my place of living.
I only know of here.  Have not laid an eye on a place
that haunts these writings.  Where must that be I wonder
as I post this pondering.
171 · Apr 2021
Patterns
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2021
Why we weave our own messes
And these knots that seem so random
Are all but instead they are our ways
Safe like a blanket made from our patterns
171 · Jan 2022
As One Might; In It
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2022
Passing pendulum's;
Whispered sweeping, movement
Marks singular a moment;
Touches a greater
plural; Other's
In time / One
Mine; Life
Half lived / Measured
Two; Yours and yet
More views from;
Moment One
I, never learn of;
One only Prior / Goes
hopeful though
Swinging moment passes
what Into; another
One Ended / One without
Yet, Not when chosen
Viewed as Another may have
A misunderstood; half-lived life
Passed; Present
My own having known
You in it
171 · Feb 2021
This Other View I Side From
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
No line is clearly recognizable

Two sides to this mind; I know.

I am; am not the innocent, or to blame

We are taught what has been wrought

Our pixel washed minds; all have to be special

Pretend we decide; want to highlight struggles

Fight is all that comes from each needing to be seen as special.
170 · Nov 2021
To thee my muse
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2021
I come back.

Abused.
170 · Jul 2020
Good Sir, Til I See You
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2020
The call is upon one
Elevated beyond whilst
Tears set to fall
Do so evaporating a passing
Home I know you now
Too far to shake your hand
Out of sight for we here
But when you speak
If we listen deeply within
Those words tell of peace
Pleading no more hurt
Numbing the loss we hear
Never gone.
Waiting.
Listening.

Still here.
Good bye for now Ray Pitt.  It was an honor to have known you.  I'll keep an eye and a shoulder for your kin.

Until I see you.
167 · Feb 2021
To Live This Way
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
My eyes open to the state of my being
When did my ability to decide
Fall broken it's little pieces tinkling down
I have given up most of my reasons to stop
Protected the only bad thing at the cost of so much.  
My mood falls to look back up at me
The way I was and I recognize how badly
I need to be the one that I gave away
166 · Aug 2021
Face the day
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
A beat behind the first rays
Of a sun that beacons me
Foretelling of a day
That day has come already?
Now rise I tell myself
At best half heartedly
My shell, aches, acts automatically
Giving the helmsman precious seconds
To toil, to toil, on to back breaking.
To toil, to toil, beneath the sun
To the fields, to the heat, for coin
And for food to eat.
I stand and stretch, following my feet
To toil, for the imaginary proof
Of currency, that I might live,
And I might eat, beneath a roof
Upon a world, that made me.
I get up and I face the day.
166 · Feb 2021
Safe
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
The cool dark around me
Nothing but my inward light
Sightless I am in a state
Safe.  Wrapped in... This.
All that permeates is sound
Of life and living of outside
This blanket of solitude
My own weaving by design
To feel less.  To numb away
An afterthought perhaps
Occasionally recalled by others memory
164 · Feb 2019
Cloudlike Thinking
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2019
Right now, hesitant
Barely able to remember
Back and forth
This inner debate goes
Who is losing
What is the point of winning
I simply struggle
These thoughts of mine
Epiphanies, life changing
If I could only make tangible
Cause when I think
It seems clouds are my thoughts
Brought down briefly
Before drifting away once more
To play and my head leads the way.
163 · May 2021
What Does That Say
Jack R Fehlmann May 2021
I am at first taken back,
By such an unexpected tact
Then oh almost as quickly
Far far more completely
Is my disregarding counter
Inside knowing I could never
Put one such as you through
The madness of my ways
As I know such toll it will exact

Now what does that say
About how I view myself?
What does that say
When I want to say yes anyway?
163 · Feb 2021
The strength found
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
This silk heart done
From just this one line
Strung all throughout
Twisted are these precious
In amazement as the locks click
Now we shall weave
Undisturbed here
Such is as this wished
For having now  and
Soft is this wonderous thing
163 · Oct 2018
Playing in the Rain
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2018
Never knew the sting of rain
Falling, from heaven
Tasting, smelling
Thousands of drop-sized
Explosions of cold intensity
Upon naked flesh
Sensory overload, exhilarating
Breathing in bits of gasping
Then laughing in between
Heaven facing youthful screams
And splashing,
Lots and lots of splashing
Then we would embrace storms
Celebrate in the wonder
Joy, and a grin
Wash over me reminiscing
To be so young again
Would lessen moments such as this
Back then I knew no inkling
Blissfully unaware
Of a rainy day such as now
That the grown version could
Would cherish vividly
The simple little
Long ago magic moments
As a kid knows them
Living them perfect.
Remembering how differently I viewed everyday moments as a child compared to now as I hunker inside from a rainy day.
161 · Dec 2021
A Pristine Recollection
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2021
If, familiarity and formal views choose
Why not Me?  Over your petty pretty portrayal.
May it might be that my graceless train wreck
chain of always pleasing those, and these, we fools
As lovely and well practiced a beauty spinning
pole-struck, thighs, eyes, dizzyingly ****
as the version before, this one knew to do
Or use any, every, curve, as lustful and,  oh.
Let the vibes and lights try to chase that
which I know only in fantasized thoughts
cause though I know, you know I do want
I'm well passed given up and chasing new
trading being treated well, for the hell you
do your unknowing best to sell the fool that
knew you so well.
161 · Apr 2014
Had Lived It
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
outside this dream

I'm reeling,  feet failing,
Falling,  fumbling.
To watch that dream
Outside,  out of reach
Taken from me.  
No warning.
To have had a dream,
Lived it,  felt it,
Realizing how right,
the fit so perfect.
Outside of this dream
Where I only  get to dream
but that once
I had lived it.
How badly I want it
back as none other
So I can live my life as I planned it
159 · Feb 2021
Magics end
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
Here it lays since
Fixed still a fixture
Every day that followed
The hand that wielded
Let such prize slip
Lifeless and defeated
To rest outside ages
And indeed ages passed
A single crack telling
One timid ray that crept
Marking the days
As seasons came and went
Layered in the settled dust
And destined to this tomb
The end to the era of promise
The death of magic
155 · Sep 2021
write, time, finding
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
I write lines that feeling does control
Time then passing my eyes fall upon
To find the words tied tightly
To emotions held inside down deep
The lines leveraging the need in me
To the attempts at closure in writing
More time between finds no more no less
Have the lines and the words forgotten
Each is as yet equally as commanding
These emotional attempts remain in control
155 · Mar 2021
"Open"
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
It is a difficult
Dangerous

A state of other's
Whims and mercies

Warmer than closed
Offers.

Again, dangerous
153 · Sep 2021
Not Okay. No.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
I've seen the nature of my ways
Been the things that I've heard others say
Tried to become that thing
Presented my best at least
in practice to stumble and fall
is falling all the same.
I am such a conundrum anymore
So used to not aiming for
the same things I think I'm needing
upending the clay beneath my feet
into disorganized heaps all around
a hole my efforts seem single mindedly
hellbent on creating without a muse to guide me
I am not great. not today.
these days of safety and of others
trying and hoping are wasted
not for not trying but, I am still the same
one who pretends to have a hold
dawns an determined grimace with
two more so eyes that surely communicate
how uncapable the soul inside is
struggles with weaknesses and chemicals
mixed inconsistently to a cocktail of wasted potential
im not okay.  not today.
not at all, i don't change
only I don't want to trust
not anyone, most not myself
not wont, just don't, I don't expect
any less from anyone
I am clueless and I am of little faith of what there is left in me to continue being so
not okay. no.
150 · Nov 2018
All aboard
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2018
Life is much like a train ride
Getting aboard is being borne
With the scenery your life
At first the things seen roll by
Slowly, scene to scene
As the train gains its hold
And the speed grows
Those scenes grow to blurs
And they are there only if you focus
Then disappear in the distance
Followed by so much you missed
Then things slow
You desperately take in the view
Cause as they do you know
When this train stops its roll
End of its line
End of your line.
Seems to short and unfair
How quickly you arrived
How little you saw
Too little,  too late.
149 · Jan 2019
The Little-Mirrored One
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2019
I remember thinking, as a child
Will I ever really own my own life?
On my tiptoes to see him, me,
my, reflection... Odd though, I'd thought.

To Ask. And Answer? Him, Me,
the little-mirrored one;

"What would that be like?"

40 years and I still can't answer the question...
148 · Oct 2021
There is This
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Remembering

What a bladed edge such is.

Invitingly, dangerous

And yet...

To not,.. be not

in past tense...

Matters only what one wants

One did... Or not.

There is this

I guess.
147 · Sep 2021
Color of Muted Midnight
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
Brilliant rays no longer
The night has devoured all color
No moon to remind one of Sol
Only muted ambient blues and purples
Stars spy us as a star from afar
Crickets song battles silence
Most fall off to fantastic inner visions
While seemingly I alone
Watch from a window the monochromatic
So much like the mind I find
When in the deeps of depression
The sun will come
I know, but no colors with it
Unless I force my eyes to see them.
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2019
At times it can feel this way.  
Digging deep, until no light is seen
Very little air to breathe
Still digging, to expose and share
The bare truth of these demons
Spell out their inner workings
Uncaring silence is felt
Much more then ever heard
Down here... Screaming
It Doesn't work... Nobody cares.
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