Can't sleep.
Bathroom.
Fill it up.
Bubble it up.
Get in.
Intrusive thought.

*

You'd be surprised.
Used to the purpose of cleaning
And pleasured times.

And I fantasize about suicide.
The sense of quietness and structure,
What most of us ambitions in life.

...

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

I feel like I'm floating in life.

I'm unemployed with a small child at home. I don't have the patience that I'd like to have with her. I want to play with her freely and with no worries about tomorrow. I want to make her feel loved unconditionally and protect her from everything.

I need to find a job that I like and that won't make me feel guilty from not being around her.

I'm living with the love of my life and I don't want to be always lashing out on him from being human. I don't want to pass him stress because I'm not in my best place, because I need more security, more confidence, more joy.

I don't remember what I like anymore and I just pass my time with whatever entertains my brain, and for a while I'm numb, I feel ok.

But I'm not okay.

I wonder if everything that is happening is because I'm not being my best and I'm attracting it.

At this moment I feel lost in my thoughts and I cannot run anymore from what I'm feeling.

Being quarantined is messing with my capability of a normal process.

I need to breathe and think of the next step to get up and live.

Don't know how many more times I've to say I'm not okay,
You give me silence... Silence...
And touches, and I don't want touches,
I want ******* words!

You don't stop asking what's wrong
I speak my heart, and then comes silence... Silence...
And the touches... Like, go **** yourself!

I am ******* tired, and in need of meaningful conversations.

I'm fading baby, I'm fading...

...

Funny how you multiply in so many directions,
But then you look in the mirror and you forgot to love yourself.

& you'll cry.
Please, forgive me,
I forgot you existed all over again!

Wobbly, dim and loud
It's the road to self-love.

Open your mouth,
Stick out your teeth
And practice the act of smiling.

Oh, ****.
Did you meant it?
Or was it just another fake it until you make it?

My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was