I am lost in my own germination.
I miss the innocence of adolescence,
I miss the days of being a seed.

Nostalgia stemming from maltreatment,
roots of disdain running deeper and deeper
as they absorb the negativity of my surroundings.

The sadistic nature of being
has instilled terror in my heart, a terror of the future—
for I’m not ready for my contempt of existence to flower.

I preferred being a seed.

As I blossom, I grow consumed by feelings of self-doubt,
tears falling, like petals in the springtime,
Will I survive the winter?

I preferred being a seed.

The strong winds of life rip me up by the roots.
I am slowly wilting and withering away as days pass,
unaware of when I will be trampled underfoot.


I remember the days of being a seed.
For remaining a seed would have been easier
than blossoming in a world slowly and aggressively plucking my petals.

I am nearly barren.

do i know you from somewhere/you look like someone i used to--/you're alive, and
who are you/sorry, i think i have the wrong number/i've been waiting for you

Have you ever had so much to let out, that it left you gaping when it expelled?

I think I loved you most the winter your heating was broken
And we’d stay inside all morning
Pretending to complain that we couldn’t get out of bed
Our clothes becoming little islands on the floor,
Ones that we could not quite find the courage to visit

Your hand stayed glued to my hip,
Your breath warming my shoulder
Like a long drag of whiskey
That kind that had a home so far away,
In a glass bottle on top of your refrigerator.
The one that would not be opened
Until that fateful day in February,
When everything went wrong

And on that unbearable night
When you joked that you’d freeze to death if I left you
There was a long silence
Like it might be true.

Now it’s warm enough
That I show too much skin when sitting in bars
And you avoid me like the plague,
Whispering in any girl’s ear that’s near to you
Every time you see me watching out of the corner of your eye

We should have stayed inside when the ice began to melt
Because I think
When those doors opened and we finally ventured outside
The world had changed,
And so had you and I.

should I wear my heart on my sleeves,
my thoughts on my lips?

How will a little child
open his eyes
in a world
that is filled with
lies?
Where unheard go
a mother's,
a wife's,
a daughter's
cries.

he looked at me like he had never seen me before,
he looked at me like I was the first bloom of the season,
like I was the Holy Ghost every religious ******* is waiting for
like I was the creator and you were the protector and our touch was everything unseen
he looked at me through eyes unhardened
he looked at me selflessly and gracefully
he was the beginning and I was the end
and together we flowed,
endlessly

we sat next to one another, neither saying a word.
i could feel your good, the blitheness of your heart,
the slight ache in your soul that begged to be heard.
i listened to a thousand sighs before you said a word,
we held each others gaze before we dared to touch hands.
and just like that we were giving, giving, giving.

i told you about my mother and her love,
how she sat me down to tell me she couldn’t see me anymore.
i told you about my father and how his love was late,
how he closed every door an ordinary l father would open.
i told you that you were the only love i saw in colors.
and as we spoke, i was giving, giving, giving.

you told me that you were ashamed of your loneliness,
how the ache in your gut came and went depending on the weather.
you told me about your family and how everyone dies,
and how the two subjects shouldn’t be said together, but usually were.
you told me i talked about death nonchalantly and sometimes you understood,
and as i listened, i knew you were giving, giving, giving.

we spoke softly of the past and eagerly of the future.
during those times i began to appreciate what was being said around me.
and i think thats how i knew i was in love with you forever,
because we didn’t need to kiss or to touch or to hold.
all we ever needed was someone to listen to our babble.
and we never did stop giving, giving, giving.