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 Sep 2016 Brooklynn Nights
collin
despite how i feel
you're still the one i feel
the fibers sings songs
filled with your name
and memories of it
**** it
**** it
i lie to myself again
void of memories
in which i didn't love
void of memories
in which you did
We can't always be strong

even the toughest
and largest things
on this earth
get worn down a little
here and there

I have strength
and courage inside me

it yearns to come out
while the tears fall down my cheeks
and erode the skin
on my face

I'm not gone, yet

only small pieces
have been chipped away

I'll be okay

here I am,
I'm still standing

I may not be what I used to be
but maybe there is a new beauty
to be found
from what I have become
There's a picture that goes with this: https://www.instagram.com/p/BK5-E0lDfHh/
Something about the woven leather
Reminds me of sandals you once wore,
In the garden enjoying the sun.
Your shorts and that old cotton vest
the one that was probably once white,
but Nanny wasn't around to do your whites anymore,
and so it grew greyer as your hair grew whiter.

The sun's rays danced through the waves of your hair
and into the garden,
Filling it with light, shining down upon plastic flowers planted among coloured stones.
Smells of stale cakes from bargain stalls and the sugar from flat lemonade in murky cups wafted out the back door and clashed with that overpowering cooking smell as you sat in your sun lounger and baked yourself in vegetable oil, cooking your Irish skin to a crisp!

The flower patterns of your walls in the garden and cast iron patio furniture,
The plastic mat that covered the carpet and always managed to trip us,
The halogen heater in the parlour and blanket on your knees,
The clumps of bullseye sweets in your locker and Quality Street tin of empty wrappers,
The damp and stale smells of the kitchen in your care,
The holy pictures and moving Jesus on the stairs,
The bath marbles we loved to play with and how they'd smash upon collision,
And the pink, silk quilt that enveloped your bed,
They're all pieces in the mosaic that illustrates your memory now and they'll never be broken.
I've glued them so tightly together it's as strong as your jaw!
Your jaw, always known to make eyes water when you'd turn during a goodbye kiss on your cheek and crush our noses! Even when we tried to approach with caution! But oh what anyone of us wouldn't give to feel that again, just to say goodbye and think we'd be over to the Bluebell to see you again.

So now I sit and look at the woven leather on my sandals and remember all the details, all the memories that are woven together to make you. Sometimes I wish I could click the heels together.
Bluebell
Bluebell
Bluebell
And be back in that garden, once more.
Just rambling memories that I never want to forget.
Lands and beliefs separate
But I know
We are watching the same sunset.
I catch the beginning
Colors waltzing
As the sun brushes against
The mountains;
Battling whether or not
I should send you
A message.

Yours is about to disappear
There is an order
In this mess of colors
Clashing into each other;
Dissipating fast
Behind the curtains of the sea
As far as the eyes can see;
Wondering if you will get
A message
From me.

We are thinking
The same thing
Guaranteed our longing will ****
The merit of this moment
When in fact, we alone
Want it tragic.
Hearts aligned
Into the darkness;
Such fools in the process
To believe you and I are that different.
The hardest part for me about losing my dad is that I missed him for a long time even before he died.
It had been ten months since I'd even seen him. I had been calling him and leaving messages, trying to make plans with him, but he never called me back.
The only way I knew he was even still alive at the time was through my sisters.
I just kept trying, and then one day I get a phone call saying that he's dead.
That he shot himself.
That I'll never get that call back from him. That those plans I wanted to make with him would never be made.
It's like I'm waiting forever to get that call from him, and I'm never going to get it.
I can't even explain how much that breaks my heart.
I know that wasn't his intention.
That he wasn't avoiding me because he didn't love me.
It was because he was hurting so much and he didn't want me to feel it, too.
But honestly, I would have rather had him call me crying every day.
To tell me how sad he was.
It hurts me more that he didn't tell me.
That he didn't let me try to help.
And I'm not saying I would have been able to help him.
But I wish he would have let me try.
I just feel like I didn't know him at all during the last months he spent on this earth, and I wish he had given me the chance.
i remember that three-word-lie
you used to tell me all the time
about how the sun
would rise
inside my eyes
and that your skin and bones were mine

and i still know a secret
or two
somewhere callused
into the deepest pockets
of my mind
but digging out
any remnants of you
will pile up the dirt
which will eventually
fill my grave
and snap my spine

i've scraped all the plaque
from my heart
and teeth
and placed it into a box
to keep
labeled "don't peek"
but if you do
i won't stay mad at you

there was a day
when we were walking through
the thickest rain
and our clothes grew so heavy
it was nearly impossible to keep them
from falling off of our drenched bodies
and i felt happier in that moment
than i ever wanted to

the thoughts of our yesterdays
choke me in my dreams
and all i want to do is sleep
under your bed
and collect dust
in my lungs
Lift up your shirt
And show me where it hurts
Is it near the middle of your chest
Beneath your skin and flesh
Is it that beating thing inside
That thing that is keeping you alive
Although it feels dead inside
Lift up your skirt
Tell me something new
Reveal a new universe
Do you belive in pleasure
Bloomed from sin
Or is there only pain tangled in the roots
Of the flower that you hide
What do you carry thats beautiful inside
The colors in your eyes
Says your silence tells no lies
But whats the deeper truth
Of the soul lost in the reflection
Of the darkness in thier black
If I share my scars and wounds
The ghosts haunting my living pulse
The dead love buried deep
In the lost sea of beating ocean red
The thing that was once my heart
Nailed to the misery
Of something that was once a dream
What could you do or say
If I show you where it hurts
We both know its just a lie
To say
I'll take your pain away
But I'll still belive you anyway
Its what we are suppose to do
As we grind bones and time to dust
Is it any different
If we just pretend to love
Will it hurt any less
When its just empty motion
And hollow words
The echo of a long ago truth
Spoken years ago
Back when the thing
Keeping us from death
Still made us feel alive
We were lying in our bed, and I started to doze off.
He said,
"Baby? Are you bored with me after all these years? Is that why you're falling asleep?"

And I responded,
"Sweetheart,
you've got it all wrong.
I fall asleep because I'm safe
when you're here.
I'm comfortable,
and I know
that if I drift off into my dreams
with you by my side,
there will be no nightmares."
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