in this moment
laying here
with a little dog
i am okay

am not a priority to you, him, or even my own mother. i always come second to someone else, and in this case, its her. i will not ask you to pick between us because i know who will be chosen, and it will not be me. do not try and tell me i am your priority, because i know that is a lie. so, lets go back to sleep and pretend like this conversation never happened.

i thought you were leaving in september
why is it not september?
why is it the month i met you that you decide to leave?
you were right when you said you'd be abandoning me.
i have eight days to spend a lifetime with you
and then you'll forget me
why does that bring me pain?
i hate to admit but i think i want your love
and maybe the sinking feeling in my stomach is not disgust but butterflies
and maybe i crave your touch more than i care to admit
how embarrassing that i should fall in love with a man that mirrors my fathers behavior (absent)
how embarrassing that i fall in love with a man at all

i used to be able to sit for hours
and write poems for you
now it feels like im trying to squeeze elephants out of a pinhole
my words dont flow the same
the song does not sing and my mind will not think
is it because im not as sick?
does my creativity rely on my illness?
does my magic only work when im hopelessly in love with a man who wants nothing to do with me?
what the hell is going on.
now that ive healed, am i not allowed to visit the spring of creativity?
is it reserved for lowly people who do not know their worth?
oh muses i pray
let me write the same again one day

i wish youd hurry up and hate me
i just want you to degrade me
im tired of waiting
i feel like im deteriorating
across the bedroom i see your eyes dilating
but im just spacing
i should feel elated
but all i feel is jaded
as i lay here stark naked
all i can think about
is you leaving for college
while im left here, looking for solace

i knew what i was getting into
so why do i want to miss you?
you were supposed to be a distraction
how was i supposed to know my heart would have such a reaction?