Things from my past leave me shaken
I cannot escape what I did
I tried to run from my problems
But left behind old grudges instead
A girl that used to be my bully
Told me to shut up
I responded with a "no"
I don't know what made me say that, when normally I would oblige
Maybe it’s because I’m different
I’ve changed
I am not the same person I was three years ago
Yet a day of reckoning is coming
And I am terrified

I wish I had been nicer
My heart aches
My friends reassure me
And I am so grateful
But I can’t help but shake the feeling
That something terrible is gonna happen
The tea of the past fills the cup,
And soon it will spill over and wash me like a tsunami
The survival rate is low
And I pray that I make it out alive

People remember me, but I do not remember them
I do not remember the things I said or did
But they do
Some look at me with questioning eyes and I wonder if they know
I want to ask and apologize for what damage I caused
I feel terrible for what I cannot remember
It took me three weeks to remember an old friend
I didn’t even remember Rachel, who was very hurt
When they mention what I did,
I feel frozen
I cannot move
I cannot speak
I fear saying the wrong thing
All I want to do is apologize
I want to be forgiven

A boy in my class
He looks at me then looks away
He knows who I was
But I do not know him

It kills me how they know who I was
Yet I cannot even remember myself
But, when I do remember, it comes like a flood
I remember parts of who I was and I feel like vomiting
I was vile and bitter at the world, though rightfully so
I was sick, so very sick
For it was not me who walked the halls of Providence
But a zombie
A stranger that I refuse to name
I want to bury it deep and forget
And for awhile I did
But they will not let me forget

I am not the same person I was three years ago
I am kind
I am beautiful
I have changed, but they do not know
They remember my past and are conflicted
But I will show them
I will put their minds at ease

Today,
I was called into the counselor's office
Immediately I knew the reason was you
You spoke of the things I said and did
And the pain I have caused you over the past few days
But I am not without my own
This flame within burns bright and wrathful,
Something I refuse to control
You, my old friend
Have been burned

I have played the victim so elegantly
They come to you and ask why you would treat me so
You give them a reason, one which I validated
Oh, they are fools
Because our friends are loyal to me first

You would not look me in the eye as I called you out on your *******
You wouldn't even own up to it
I, for one
Will always speak the truth
I know my mistake and I happily take ownership
I will own my words
I meant everything I said about you and our situation

Girl,
Look me in the eye when you lie

It's interesting how once a person gets angry,
All the good things are erased
and all that can be seen is the ****** mistake

I see you standing with her
I know that it's fake
But now you're getting Starbucks,
and acting as you once did with me
You used to talk **** about her all the time
So why now are you acting like her friend?

Just a week ago, we were best friends
I remember taking you out for sushi
I remember taking you to homecoming
I remember us laughing, without a care in the world
We sang and danced together
My heart felt free
But I guess we all need someone to hang onto when you lose your best friend

Am I just seeing things or,
Do your eyes look empty?
Longing for me perhaps?
Or maybe it's him.
The boy you'd said that would never hurt you
I have news for you
You either get married, get old, and die together
Or break up.
He will leave you shattered

You will crawl back.
You'll crawl back with tears in your eyes, begging and screaming
Telling me how right I was
The thing is,
I won't take you back.
I'm done with your pitiful act.

Sometimes
I can go a whole day without thinking about you
But that's my limit
You ruined the special places I took you
But I don't regret it
I wish you'd come back to me
But I know you won't
All I want is for you to want me
I want you to cry over me and know that you have lost me
But not truly
Because you could snap your fingers, and I'd come running back

Now that break is here,
It's just me and my thoughts
And no you to keep me from them

my skin sizzles under his palms
and my tears burn like acid on skin
yet somehow, they taste so sweet to him
for even though his touch leaves my body scorched and sooty,
at least i can feel the burn

i thought you were leaving in september
why is it not september?
why is it the month i met you that you decide to leave?
you were right when you said you'd be abandoning me.
i have eight days to spend a lifetime with you
and then you'll forget me
why does that bring me pain?
i hate to admit but i think i want your love
and maybe the sinking feeling in my stomach is not disgust but butterflies
and maybe i crave your touch more than i care to admit
how embarrassing that i should fall in love with a man that mirrors my fathers behavior (absent)
how embarrassing that i fall in love with a man at all

i wish youd hurry up and hate me
i just want you to degrade me
im tired of waiting
i feel like im deteriorating
across the bedroom i see your eyes dilating
but im just spacing
i should feel elated
but all i feel is jaded
as i lay here stark naked
all i can think about
is you leaving for college
while im left here, looking for solace

i knew what i was getting into
so why do i want to miss you?
you were supposed to be a distraction
how was i supposed to know my heart would have such a reaction?

when you slipped your hands around my neck,
that is where i snapped.
i drove the knife into your back
and i knew there was no going back
your scream of anguish was so harmonious with my sadistic laughter.
stabbing
stabbing
stabbing
oh promiscuous boy,
this would be the last time you broke my heart

he grabs my leg and his claws sink into my barely-there thigh
his hand slips in the denim of my jeans
and when he kisses me,
it tastes like venom
i feel his toxin slither through my veins like a serpent
his ardent fangs gleam as he nips my neck,
and i know that he is the true definition of vermin.
my blood, red as cherry currant
crosscurrents with his slimy soul
his talons delineate my jutting ribs,
surely, he craves the control?
i writhe as he caresses the inside of my upper leg
and i realize,
that this will never end

he was the boy with dragons in his eyes
while she had fire in her soul
but what is the dragon without his flame?

she watches me
she has a tight grip on my throat
she?
mother.

Boy with the sad smile
Why do you lead me so?
We bounce back and fourth between a state of love and a state of care,
and between ignorance and spite
Though, I am no better
I have yet to tell you my heart belongs to another

I was 11
You were 14
I was 11 and you were 14 and you took advantage of me
I loved you more than I loved myself and you took advantage of a school girl's crush
How dare you
You stole my first kiss and you stole my innocence
Now, I hunt men that are like you
Cold and unforgiving
Heartless and cowardly
You wouldn't even look at me

I remember sitting in your bedroom
You would play video games while I watched, content
You would ignore me so that the attention I did get would feel special
You manipulated me
I hate you

But I am glad for this experience
You taught me to be careful with my heart
I am cautious and love halfheartedly
Never again will I fall victim
But I'd be lying if I said there isn't a week where I don't think about you
There is not a man in the world that I don't compare to you
If we had met now, would I still pick you?

Now that I value myself, I don't think I would.

My daddy says he loves me
And I believe him
He keeps me level and holds me down
And in return I give him everything
Not just my body but my all
I give him the thoughts that keep me up at night
I give him my baggage and he helps me carry the weight
We work in tandem
For him, the world
For me, his heart
His heart is more precious than any sum of money
But,
He does not understand my sadness

she tries to love me the best she can,
but its never enough

everyone says i look sad in pictures,
even when i'm smiling
i think its because my inner child is showing

you'll try to love me the best you can,
but it won't be enough

"i'm going to leave you behind"
that's funny coming from me.
i won't stay and you won't go,
it's a fact we both know.

i listened to the songs you wrote about other girls.
how does it feel to have both your love and heartbreak
immortalized in a poem of rock-n-roll?

i'm trying to act adult.
just a few months ago i was not this,
now i am expected to have the demeanor of an actual person
i don't feel like an actual person when i'm around you.

i'm sure girls are always throwing themselves at you.
i'm flattered that you like me, but what if you like her better?
what if shes more experienced?
will you resent me for not knowing what to do?
i don't think you will,
but then again,
i don't know you.

the more you know me, the easier it'll be to hurt me.
men like to say "i'll never hurt you"
with all the right intentions.
but, i know it's a lie.
you know it's a lie.
you just lied to me, and that makes me dislike you a little bit more.

i don't love you, i just think i see so much of myself in you.
i want to love you, i just don't think i have enough time.
i really want you to love me, but i don't think you can.

you don't love me
you can't love me
you won't love me

i want you to love me
i want you to love me
i want you to love you

i wish you would come with me
i wish you would want to come with me
how can i make you come with me?
how can i make you do anything?
you wont do anything.

i wish you would do something
i wish you would cry for me like i cry for you
i wish i knew what to do with these feelings
i wish we had more time.

i really want you to trust me, but i don't think you ever will.
i really want you to love me, but i don' think you can.
you go through the motions
i see it
it's hollow
you know what to do, but you don't feel it
i don't feel it

you can hug and touch me all you want,
but even in my afterglow i can feel your sadness

You are so young, my darling.
You have your life ahead of you
Why must you waste yourself so?
Nights spent drinking
The air heavy laden with cannabis
Oh, how I pity you.
You use and abuse yourself
I can feel the sorrow radiating off of you
I can hear the agony in your laughter
This may be why I even speak to you at all.
I lost countless hours of sleep,
crying over you.
But now..
My used to be friend,
Once you are out of sight, you are out of mind.
How I loathe the fact that you enjoy your depression.
I realized that I am not responsible for you.
You dared use your illness to manipulate me.  
You show up out of the blue, trying to talk to me.
Trying to be my friend
You have lost the one person that might have actually cared about you.

You walked the halls of my school,
Your blond locks flowing behind you
You were not the epitome of male beauty,
So what did enchant me?
You were the silent kind of beauty that could only be noticed with a discerning eye
And I am the observant type
Though, I could not see your ugly
Your mask hid your coldness and showered me with light
You would pick me up in a giant spinning hug
You made everything feel okay
You were exactly what I needed in those times

You make me feel higher than the sun
And more beautiful than the moon
Do not cry my dear
For I see you.
I see your flaws and I know your pain
And I love you all the same
In times of doubt and of times of joy,
You are my rock
You are my strength
And for you,
I shall be the same.
You may lean on me in times of trouble
You may cry on my shoulder
Come to me in times of elation, for I shall laugh with you
I will lift you up and hold you steady,
Just as you do for me

My love,
Build a home in the hollows of my heart
I will not forsake you

in this moment
laying here
with a little dog
i am okay

in this moment
laying here
with a little dog
i am okay

sometimes things that you love
will let go
before you are ready to let go
i am not ready to let go

but

in this moment
i lay with a little dog
and she tells me
to let go

i let go
and i am okay

You are my sunshine
I run into the light, basking for warmth
Unfortunately, I forgot sunblock

i used to be able to sit for hours
and write poems for you
now it feels like im trying to squeeze elephants out of a pinhole
my words dont flow the same
the song does not sing and my mind will not think
is it because im not as sick?
does my creativity rely on my illness?
does my magic only work when im hopelessly in love with a man who wants nothing to do with me?
what the hell is going on.
now that ive healed, am i not allowed to visit the spring of creativity?
is it reserved for lowly people who do not know their worth?
oh muses i pray
let me write the same again one day

am not a priority to you, him, or even my own mother. i always come second to someone else, and in this case, its her. i will not ask you to pick between us because i know who will be chosen, and it will not be me. do not try and tell me i am your priority, because i know that is a lie. so, lets go back to sleep and pretend like this conversation never happened.

Light me up
Set me on fire
I'll let your lips burn my delicate skin
Whatever this is, it'll destroy me
I'll be reduced to the ashes I was forged from
But, I'll be smiling the whole time because
This is exactly what I wanted

Light me up
Set me on fire
Grab my hand, lets skip class
Lets make out under the bleachers
And make me forget you have a girlfriend.

if i said "i love you",
would you resent me?
would you recoil in disgust at my forwardness?

or would you embrace me?
would you throw your arms around me and kiss me how you do?

one day the words "i love you" will fall from my lips upon your ears
and i hope you will say it back.

you were half asleep whispering nothing
then you said "i love you"
i said "thank you"
"you're welcome"
i wanted to *****
i wanted to jump out of your arms
you're leaving in a week and eight days
how could you say something so repulsive?
this wasn't supposed to happen
i've only known you for
two,
four,
six days
aries man, please don't be so impulsive
its a little bit insulting
that you'd say something so big
with so little thought
i want to be soft
i want to be kind
but you're going and im not coming
attachment is my style
but not with you
not for you