I’m so tired of hating my body
So tired of seeing girls who are big and beautiful
and not seeing the same when I look in the mirror
I’m screaming all day
love your body!
love your rolls!
love your fat!
I don’t love my own body
I don’t love my own rolls
I want anyone’s fat but mine
I see bodies not unlike my own and scream YES! BEAUTIFUL!
How gorgeous every creature god created is
and I look at myself and think, except for that one
Except for me
I go to the museum and stand in front of beautiful paintings
of women with stomachs that roll on and on
and thighs big and strong and graceful
and I think how much I love bodies
All bodies
Perfect because they keep you alive
My body works so hard to keep me alive
and I do everything I can so it fails
I poison my lungs with smoke
I binge and I purge
I cut it open, scratch it, pull at it, examine, pluck, poke, and **** at my body in scrutiny
But turn around and see a girl whose figure is similar to mine
and think wow, she’s amazing
I think no one will desire my body
I think I don’t even desire my body
I think ******* to the blood that comes out of my wrist
Think stop keeping me alive
Think I don’t want to be alive as this
Think no one will love me with rolls and stretch marks and fat
Think I will never be more than that
Think will I ever let myself be more than that?
I think you’re beautiful
I think you’re desirable at least I desire you
I wonder do you desire me?
Do you still want to **** me when you notice my cellulite?
Do you love my stretch marks?
Or how much I chafe
When my face falls because the pants don’t button
The top is too tight, can’t get it over my *****
When you can see my rolls and I’m not even sitting down
When my back fat hangs over the straps of my top
Do you still love me?
Even though my body is undesirable
Can your heart stop your eyes from focusing on my fat?
From roaming over my body counting every lump, curve, roll that’s not supposed to be there
I wonder do you love me with the lights off?
I wonder do you love with them on?