I assess people from across the room
Like scanning barcodes to make sure
That I know what I'm getting myself into
Because I think I know what's good for me.
What I see is not what I get and I
Nothing's what it seems
And I don't know what's happening
Like I'm dreaming
Because I won't see it coming
"I cut myself so I can feel something I know is not a lie."
It's how I know I haven't changed.
Sometimes I try to live my life,
Like "just passing by" and "only stopping in"
And underneath the surface
I just want to stay
So I fall through like the enemy
Peaking through skylights in black ski masks
It was never meant to be this way.
And how long has it been?
I can spit back the venom all I want
But it still stings
And I can't let them know
And I can't let it show
And they won't let me stay
So I guess I'll just go.
I check the sky before I leave my house
To check for any passing clouds
And it's always raining.
So I stand in a room
Four walls and one window
I tug back the blinds to let the light shine in
And I pull the window open
Air drifting through the gap
To see if I can breathe.
There's still a chance that I'll make it outside today
But it just doesn't feel right.
When winter comes crashing through the front door,
Standing on the frozen creek
Hoping to fall through and hoping to make it out
All at the same time.
I can't win.
And one morning when the sky turned pink,
My eyes were red.
Red eyeliner to match my bloodshot eyes.
As the sun was rising, orange in the sky,
I was hit with cerulean waves
Drowning in shades and hues of blues
Like all the things I should have done.
The cavalry comes to invade the town
And there is no place I can hide
They raided houses all morning
And I'm angry with myself
Because I am awake.
"If we don't take medication,
we won't sleep for decades."
I didn't see you leaning in the doorway
Propped up on mahogany
Telling me hello.
In fact, the house was
And I've been waiting for this day for years
So I turned back the way I came
Writing stories in italics to get my point across
Listening to the crickets from the night before.
I was swept away.
And I forgot where you lived
Until I stumbled upon your home,
Where you were leaning in the doorway
Propped up on mahogany
Telling me sorry
And all I did was
And now I have a bad habit of inhaling
Living solely on
Dreaming nights away with
In my head but the Emptiness
And the weight of
Sitting in my chest for days and days
Like blackbirds on telephone wires
But bad new
Words and phrases that mean
To anybody anymore
And it's absolutely horrible when you think about
What it all used to mean
And how the meaning was stripped away
Piece by tiny piece
Until it hurt
Until it felt like a knife in my heart
The things that became Significant
Became harmful when they left
Became toxic when I couldn't see them anymore
And became horrible when everything was over.
The worst part was realizing that
Like towers that have fallen to dust
Right before my very eyes.
Taste the sound of the birds in the morning
Right in the sun,
A path made from beams,
A morning that should be mine
But I spent it inside
Because I couldn't bare to get out of bed that day.
"I'm not suicidal, I just can't get out of bed."
And would I trade my soul for Enthusiasm?
Would you trade your soul to know what I know?
So we walk along like this means anything
Fitting silence better and better each day.
This is wrong.
If living life is just a dream,
When do we wake up?
Questions that claw at my psyche before I can even down my Morning Cup
My two cents on life, as a friend once said.
Is this temporary?
They say it doesn't hurt
And to not ask for help
"I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?"
They label us with accomplishments
And rank us so high
That living up to the Standards isn't at the top of my list.
So I leave.
Listening for bad dreams
Like trains on the tracks.
The "ding ding"
Of the arms coming down to keep us
From hurting ourselves
While we attempt to cross
But I've always been bad at
And you've always been bad at staying still.
So we walk on the tracks,
The metal beneath our feet
Hot enough to melt our soles
But we can't care
Because we're Moving
And we don't care about the direction
Because why would we?
So we walk and we walk
Listening to the whistles in the distance
Until they're not whistles
And they're not in the distance
It's more like a howl
That greets us when we look up
Growing closer and closer
--I'm living in a house where four in the morning haunts us,
Staring down the ink on my fingers like they mean something
But it means nothing
And I've got to get out of this town.
So we fantasize of leaving this place.
Just get in your car and go
Because why not?
But we aren't even close
And I don't want to be trapped
And you don't want to stay here.
"Are we wasting time or is it wasting us?"
Two clocks ticking out of sync
That's what Emptiness feels like
So we fill it with silly things.
Chipped nail polish.
Leggings with boots
Albums that nobody has heard of
Places to be
Places we've been
Places to avoid
Books with sad endings
With dried flowers between the pages.
Like this is the end
Because it could be the end
But we can never agree.
I look up and see
That the paint on the wall is chipped in places
Like it is giving up
So I give up.
I wake up and leave my house
And everything about me says
"I give up on life."
And the thing is that
Nobody else cares one bit
And I am convinced
That they've all
Given up on life as well.
We're all just kids in a line at Sunday school.
Looking proper until we think they aren't looking
Safety pins can hold our dresses in place,
But they can't hold our hearts together
And it's horrible
That we're all on the verge of
And we're all on the verge of
Sitting on the concrete with a friend
A bottle of water in hand
And we talk
Like it will mean something in ten years.
Will it mean anything in ten years?
Will it mean anything tomorrow?
Because I'll watch everyone change
But I'll still feel the same
So full of
Keeping track of
Whilst crashing through the colors,
Lining my eyes,
Running from the feelings
Dying to wake up from this dream
Like it will take me somewhere
But I know very well that I am not going
With stupid thoughts in my head
Of the end.
It's just "people leave"
And "Blood is thick"
But it's watered down sometimes
And I can't take this anymore.
I want to wake up.
I want to wake up.
I want to wake up.
written June 2013