Happy
that's what I told my therapist I wanted to be
Happiness was my goal
I used to think it was unfair how everyone seemed happy
everyone except for myself
at one point I thought I was happy but I wasn't
in fact I was never happy it was all masked with
endless money until it was gone
A year later I made no progress
and no matter how hard I tried
I still wasn't happy because my thoughts were consumed of
horrid things and in that moment I realize there was no turning back because I was a sad girl

Don't moan his loss
For the things unseen
Far surpasses this
Celebrate his gain
For all he's done we will miss
He will never be forgotten
While he lives in our hearts
The angel he is and was

7/27/2015
Wildwood,NJ

It's as if the brine
of the water is something
I have never experience before:

stepping,dizzling,stumbling
into the path to my apartment
I am on the balcony at 2:

a drunk man yells
"heyyy whaddaya think  you doin?!?"
some great trespass either his
or against him

I beg for memory's forgiveness,
twisting my sweatersleeves
i spit out a pick of hair and

Narrow my eyes down some more.

Why can't my heart
turn my insecurities into
words and phrases you'll like and relate to
so you'll give them a heart or a share and temporarily
give me a fickle reward because I'm a pointless human being
and day in day out
wish I could put my suicide into words
a literary suicide for every time
I hate my life and
wish I could go back
to being innocent before
I broke anyone
before I realized I'll have to grow up or die
before I became the
weak one
incapable of even
martyrdom.

angels
sing
out loud
when
we bathe
our wings
in
thick white clouds

let
the wind
sailed
these
young clouds
through
a patch of
ocean blue sky

Kiss me deeply, make me forget how it feels to be angry
Kiss me slowly, make me remember how it feels to not be lonely
Kiss me with meaning, remind me why my hearts still beating
Kiss me with feeling, show me how much you really need me