Absent from all but the faintest of feelings
again I stare out of a window
its frame imprisons my soul
a fathomless stare into an obscure distance
as if I might somehow occupy that space
old photographs scattered on a table
yet I can no longer see your face
has it really been this long ?
minutes, days, weeks, months and now a year ?
the spirits took your warm embrace
so cold under the ground
know this my sweet sweet thing
the old roots now hold your hands
but you are forever embraced by my spirit
eternally dancing to our sad refrain
under the moonlight in the pouring rain.

he calls me beautiful
sweet and attractive
he tugs at my heartstrings
he sighs and he holds tightly

my heart is pounding, there's not enough oxygen
thin air getting the best of me


but then he back pedals
he seems reluctant and wary

where did those words go
where are my "i miss you"s, my "i wish you were here"s
vanished, thin air has the upper hand

Having felt betrayed and weak
Tears run down my cheek......

You were here I felt you on the edge of my tips.
Startled by my presence. I became drain.
It's a sickening feeling drowning in your own body.
No, WAIT!  I like water but, not this much.
DROWNING ~~~~~~~~
I walk with my eyes close tight.
It's somewhat comforting knowing I don't see.
From time to time I hear the rattling of my bones.
****, get it together.
But, the voices won't leave me alone.
The voices are all from me and sometimes from other's.
Shut the **** up and just leave me alone!
Clean Slate ; Clean Slate.
No!  Replay Replay....
Can I go back?
A laughter I hear alone.
Mainly I see the concrete below.
I look up once in a while and see the birds they bother me.
The doorbell rings it time for below.

3rd grade, chipped tooth from swinging on the monkey-bars that were still wet from the rain. I held your hand even if you were a girl, too. How everybody teased. You kissed me behind the stacks of books in the library. I thought about telling my mom. I wondered if god saw.

2. 13 yr old stealing eyeliner from the drug store across the street. You blowing smoke into my mouth after-school. I was spell-bound. You taught me words like "****". You forgot my birthday and I gave myself a bruise punching you in the face.

3. he was in the hospital. I couldn't sleep for three days. I never told him about any of this. We spoke only on the phone and I wish he were sincere when he was sober. I realized then that people are revolving doors. I still love him. I think about him often. He's a best friend.

4. You made me lose so much blood. I thought we were more than child's play. You showed me your favorite artist and I showed you my soul. You took your coffee dark and I tried so hard not to smoke in front of you. He stared at my legs and I told him I took three different types of pills that are supposed to make me happy and he just kept on staring.

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