When our eyes meet the ashes turn to embers and flutter like golden butterflies.
They rise and swirl tickle the sides of my tummy.
It is a heavenly feeling
I would not give it up for the world, but I am scared that I will.
Because yellow only lasts for so long.

Is silence so much to ask for?
If you don stop I will slam your lips shut
Because these same old lines of mockery
Are making me want to thow up.
If you don leave me alone, I am warning you
beware of the things to come
because I wont hesitate
to chew your face and spit it out like cherry chewing gum.
If you dont leave I am telling you
I will **** you, I promise, I swear
because I am sick and tired of being your joke
So if you dont shut up, I am warning you
beware.

I long to see the moonlight hit that face of yours
it looks so pure, so untouchable.
its as if the gods carved and chiseled you by hand
and then, by the grace of god, brought you to life.  
I want your marble hands to rest on the small of my back
and those polished lips to kiss me from my collar bone,
to my neck,
to my cheeks,
and then my longing lips.
- I want you so badly

My heart is in a million different places
When all I want, is for it to be here

Eyes so golden that the sun cries with jealousy
Constellations waltzing across the bridge of your nose
A smile so perfect only Venus could be responsible
Your lips humming songs that nobody knows
Your radiant skin is bronzed silk
Your hands wrapping me in an embrace
The moon rests in the words you speak
And your kisses stain galaxies on my face
I long for your presence night and day
And your soul fills my heart with joy
Oh please just stay here forever
Because I love you my sweet starboy

My father once told me to always except the best and worst possible outcome.
And for the longest time i was completely baffled.
"How could I be okay with the worst possible outcome?"
"It's impossible to be okay with the worst possible outcome."
But what I think I was really trying to say was," It's impossible to be okay."
And I remeber the day loud and clear.
I was shaking and in utter destraught.
I wanted it all to end, and I too thought it was the end.
But despite the chaos
for a slim slip of a second, I was okay.
Not only with the "Worst possible outcome."
But I was genuinely okay.
Because that was the day I realized, that no matter what,
through the worst and best "possible outcomes"
I had Grace.
I had me.

what do you want from me?
would you like my heart; cause if so i’ll hand it over
what do you need from me?
would you like my love; cause if so here it all is
what do you crave from me?
would you like my embrace; because if so i’ll wrap you in it everday
what do you wish from me?
would you like my kisses; because if so i will leave kisses on you from your lips, to your cheeks, to your neck.
what do you ask of me?
would you like me to tell you how i feel; because if so i would tell you everyday. I would let those beautiful three words dance from my lips into your ears without resistance.
“I love you,” they would whisper. “I love you, I love you, I love you;”
but would you do the same?

She sat all alone
on a wilted flower bed
dead daisies in between her toes
rain dripping on her head
Thunder crackling in the distance
Clouds soon filled the sky
Though there was a thunderstorm overhead
Hurricanes roared in her eyes
She sat on the curb, just thinking
Clouds hovered over her thoughts
Rain falling and kissing her sunburned cheeks
Cupping all the rain that she caught
shed count the raindrops one by one
as they’d pitter pat onto the ground
letting her hurricane slip from her lips
without even making a sound
Hoping one day she'll find someone
who will sit here with her watching thunderstorms come and go
and share a little sadness
to help these wilted flowers grow

there’s a place out there that’s mine. a little cabin in Highlands, North Carolina that is sitting on a street corner. roses waiting to greet me by the front door, and maple trees standing with open arms.
there’s a love that’s looking for me. counting the same stars and wishing on the same sunsets. praying the same prayers and crying the same tears. I know you’re out there, and I dream of the day that i’ll find you.
there’s a life that i’m destined to live. and it’s filled with peppermint hot cocoa, rainy sundays spent reading by the fireplace, children running down the stairs for their favorite lunch- pb&j, morning bike rides to the art museum, and days filled with enough spontaneity to last a lifetime.
i don’t know how or when, but i know that sometime, somehow, someday happiness will find me, the sun will peak through again, and i will be where i’m meant to be.

i’ve never had my heart yearn for someone so much
while my skin craves for their touch.

when our hands touched
a feeling of longing was returned to my fingertips
and my heart grew twice as big
my eyes widened, and so did yours
time froze
my hands fit perfectly into yours
the clock snapped and you let go
and then you ran to her
you helped her up and sang her love songs
from the smile on your lips
my heart shriveled up and blew away as ashes in the wind
you saw me so vulnerable
with tears grazing my cheeks
and yet you didn’t say a word
because you love her;
you love her.

it’s another one of those nights
eyes are weary from screens and forced tears
mind is filled with overwhelming overcrowded thoughts
the pocket watch clipped onto my heart refuses to tick
and i’m stuck feeling numb

“Hold onto your hats!” he said.
“The autumn breeze is strong.”
I watched the dandelions waltz around with the wind
While the robins chirped a final song
There was a chill in this wind
That made leaves of gold fall off of trees
So I held onto my hat
While walking through this brutal breeze.
And then i looked right over my shoulder
And there you stood with wide eyes
They were two stormy seas
That matched these late autumn skies
Before I could send my smile your way
You disappeared, and I was pinned
And soon enough my heart died with winter
And you were gone with that autumn wind. - my heart shall die with autumn

you were an old soul
you had a young heart
i was an old soul
i had an old heart
but some how we still managed to fall, without warning, in love.
When days were filled with collecting coins, cappuccinos, and baby blue skies.
Old thrift stores and faux pearls.
Yellow bicycles and daisy fields.
Those were the days, in which i realized
there’s no getting over you.

When you smell the scent of the perfume that I always used to wear, or remember the way your fingers used to feel running through my hair
The ways our eyes would linger, and long to watch and stare
I hope you’ll remember me

The days we spent wishing that time would forget to fly
Or the ones we spent watching pink clouds stumble by
I hope that our memories are soon to be written in the sky
I hope you remember be

For when our lives fall back into place
And my heart recognizes the sight of your face
I hope our hearts will end their chase
And you’ll remember me.

How far up does the sky go;
how tall must i be to brush the stars?
How high must i jump to hug clouds;
to serenade and blow kisses to mars?
How far out does the earth stretch?
Could my hands reach the Golden Gate Bridge?
Do i share the same sunsets with people miles away;
could i hop scotch across the Rocky Mountain’s Ridge?
How wide does the horizon spread?
Could i hold it in the palm of my hand,
or with a single step meet it face to face
and rest peacefully in it’s far away lands?
How much love fills up the world,
is it overwhelming with fluttering butterflies?
Is every prayed wish is another perfect stitch
in our navy blue, quilted sky?
This large world's roads are winding.
Yet, in my eyes, it's niether extensive nor tall.
With your heart in the palm of my hands
This sweeping world really isn't that large at all.

it seems if as i though i have fallen
into something way over my head
you’ve already claimed that you love me
but i think it’s something better not said

rip the seams from your lips
speak, just use your words.
because latley we’ve  been throwing our hearts against the walls through a screen and pretending we’re fine.
crying the words we resisted from sending through a text at 10:01 pm.
and wondering if the other will send a heart back with “goodnight.”
spoiler alert: it’s not gonna happen.
so please
please
please, just speak my love.
because the day you say, “I love you,” you should use your words instead of your figertips.

Like the flower that sprouts in April
And buds in early May
To rise up to the golden sun
And bloom on a bright June day
I rose up to your golden light
in search for something more
yet all I found was nothing, even down to your core
Your empty promises wilted me
Like a flame to a burning match
Still I grapsed on for the life of me
when you hardly stayed attached
So as fall came around the corner
my leaves had blown estray
even as a small seed I still waited
to see if you'd be back the next day
but soon enough it got colder
and clouds blocked your radiant light
so as I fell dormant, in powdered snow
I watched you trail out of sight.
As March soon came into view, the ice melted into rain
the soil blessed me with new roots
My petals felt new, though they were the same
Letting go brought pain in the moment
and there's no way of knowing when,
You too will have your spring
and you too will start again.

I see your reflection on a rain speckled window pane
I hear your voice in vinyl records calling out my name
You muse my soul so colorfully with every painting I brush
But when I caress the texture of oil on canvas that's when I feel your touch.
I see your amber eyes melting, like sap on a maple tree
When they stare deeply into mine, a salted, stormy sea
When a flickering flame burns down a wick I swear I see your face
and when i'm kissed by my garden's petunias I feel your smooth embrace
I feel your soul in the coursing creek, on the cooled slabs of stone
And in the ice cold water running through that I've always longed to know
Although I know your skin, there's farther I will go
because when I stare into your amber eyes there's more that I don't know

My anxiety is taking over
Holding the wheel on it’s own
Steering my brain into places
I’d rather leave unknown

It’s rips the words right from your lips
Twists them in ways I’ve never seen
Turns “I miss you,” to, “I hate you.”
Though I know that’s not what you mean

It paints blue over my eyes
Forcing me to see the worst to come
But crying blue for you gets boring
So I decided to just stay numb

Maybe you really care about me
But I guess I’ll never truly know
Because my anxiety is taking over
And never letting go

and there you went again
curly black hair bouncing bountifully
as you walked out of my life once again

She spent day on day
week on week
month on month
year on year
trying to figure out what was wrong with herself
what made her so unloveable.
many told her that she only cared about herself;
an entitled, selfish, unloveable shell woman.
and all of those theories just made her laugh
because the last thing she could ever do is love herself.
she hated no one more than her own self.
she just couldn't do it;
love the unloveable.

Who are you?
What makes you feel the need
To play me
Play my emotions
As if you were a violinist?

Why do you stare at me
With those condescending but kind eyes?
You always know just how to make me tick
Like a broken clock

How do you always have something to say?
Something that will make me blush
As if my face is a rose garden
And that smirk
That turns heads everywhere you go

And then there is that look

The look you give me
When the timing is perfect
And the chemistry is bubbling
Just a glance from you sends electricity up my spine

But why don’t you stay?
Why do you dowse me in gold and honey and flower petals
But then take it all back and walk away

Why

Why me
Why this
Why you
Why everything

If I could i would pull out the love covered arrow you stuck in my heart
But then that would just hurt even more.

i would break my back bending backwards for you,
but for me you wouldn't even chip a nail

when i showed you my hands and all they could create
you treated them like magic.
you held on to them and swore to never let go.
and as honest as you are, you kept your promise and never let them go.
you took them with you.

last summer i fell in love
with someone i no longer recognize
you’ve changed so greatly since august
there’s even change in your hazel eyes
we were just too different to be together
the same as moon and sun
because although people wanted us to be two
i was just happier as one
i can hear your hurt in ever insult you speak
i can feel your hate burning through my skin
you can yell, and blame me, hurt, or shame me,
but in the end it’s your own problem within
you can claim that you don’t miss me all you want
and frankly i’m just waiting until you choke on your lies
because words can shout and scream about
but the truth is spoken softly in your hazel eyes.
but i’ve moved on, and it’s time you should too;
grow up.

In a sea of unfamiliar faces,
Some I used to know,
I am dragged into the navy abyss
And left to stand alone.
I’m drowning myself slowly
In a fate that I had drawn
Because even if they cared
The wouldn’t notice I was gone.
I’m dowsed in regret and self hate
But I won’t say it’s your fault
Because you’ll  beat me until I’m broken
And fill my wounds with salt.
I can never be enough for you
I can’t be who I am not
And when you asked for seven seas
I told you one is all I’ve got.
A long lasting disappointment
Begging to be set free
But my cries fell into my stomach
When my soul died at sea.

every word that you speak
hits my ears like falling rain
every glance you send my way
glides up the side of my body
from my painted toes, to my amateur excuse of hips, and crawls up the back of my spine to then plant a kiss on my neck.
when you touch my skin, i become bathed in the feeling of love; as the shore longs for a crashing tidal wave to sweep it off its feet,
i long for you.

i used have cravings for chips and ice cream
but there’s this new drug i’ve been on since i met you, and it’s called cloud 9.

Look up to the sky
what color do you see?
As the wind brushes your hair
And birds are flying freely
Is it a shade of fading yellow
Painted over shades of smoggy red
A shade of sapphire blue
That holds words,  no one  ever said
Or is it a shade of wilted pink
Just like the shade of the sky that one night
When it felt like the world just suddenly stopped
And the setting sun beamed golden light
When everyone suddenly froze
Took moment and looked around
Appreciating all of the smallest details
That never seemed to make a sound
All the new people they met
All of the things they have seen
And for the first time in forever
We weren’t looking at a screen
But you didn’t notice the sky that night
You were too occupied in your own mind
Not allowing yourself to stop and breathe
When you just needed to open your eyes
And maybe you would’ve smiled that night
If you just hadn’t given up
Oh but if you just saw the sky that night
Oh if you would’ve looked up.

There was a force on my chest
pushing me farther and father under the surface of idealism
I'm gasping for a single breath.
watching words slip from my lips, as if i were blowing bubbles in a bath tub
and as my feet were inches away from the bottom,
I swam.
I swam past the currents
until neptune's jaw dropped.
And when I reached the top of the surface I just looked up.
When you've been sitting underwater for years, you forget what the world above looks like.
And I think that scared me most.
I could either stay down here, sad and regretful; always wondering, what if?
or I could take a chance and just have to accept what ever is out there.
my toes flexed as I started to swim upward.
The sun dried off the sorrow and bathed me in gold;
I opened my eyes.
Home.

where is the place where they won’t fight
where is the place where i can find sleep at night
where aching and hurting blow in the breeze
and the only noise present is the soft blowing of the trees
where what he says and she says and he said is dead
where i’ll finally have room for a thought in my head
i’ll set inbetween boxes of boxes in this unwanted place
because bad memories tend to take up a lot of space
i long for this place to rest infront of my eyes
but i know if i believed that i’d almost be as stupid as the lies
because as nice as it would be to rest in the dream i consider home
i might be happy, but they’d still be alone
the irony of it all, is either way it won’t mend
because when you hope for two to fall back in love it’s bound to end.

As I pulled back the layers of mulberry
I watched the world around me slowly disappear.
I fell into a thin sheen that disolved as I reached out my hands
It was silent
Somehow eerily peaceful
Magically mysterious, intimidatingly intruiging
As I walk upon its Arabian sands I see a figure
dressed in silk and gold
the coins around her waist; rattling, scattling, chattering, scattering
she walks up to me with a swing in her rhythmic step
Her glimmering hands brush back the hair covering my face
as she brushes it behind my ear she smiles
she pulls the thick blanket of midnight over my weary eyes
And I fall out of it once again

I can't seem to figure out if it is love itself that I fear, or if it is the possibility of never being loved back that scares me.
There are billions and billions of people on this Earth, and yet I haven't felt a single spark with anyone of the two thousand people that surround me.
Not one.
I've come very, very, very close, but the match was just too far from the wick.
The irony of it all is that I don't even know if I long for love anymore.
I've craved it and held onto it for so long, but after a while the taste was familiar, bland, and sometimes even a little bitter.
People don't fall in love anymore.
Some may kiss a smitten crush, others may hold "their one" so tightly, and some jump in the sheets with a new endeavor everynight.
But this isn't love.
Love isn't possible nor does it exist.
It was simply glorified with the glitter pens of old english literature, and fed to our souls to give us a reason to stay.
But it doesn't exist,
So why keep lying to ourselves?
As much as I'd like to blame it on what he said, or what he did I cant.
Because he did not make love extinct, dissolve, and blow away in ashes from the palm of my hand.
I did.
I burned it all because of a broken heart, and now look where it is.
gone.
And I can't get it back,
so I'll just have to live
without love.

there was a time when we were in love.
there were weeks when you and i would talk until dawn would break from the mountains.
when i would fall asleep knowing i was loved, and would wake up happy and ready to be loved again.
there were days that i would count down until the day i could see you again, those days were the worst.
but the best days were the ones when i could see that face of yours. the face i loved more than you could ever know.
there were hours spent laughing our ***** off under a clear sky and a city of stars.
those hours felt like lifetimes, until they left like seconds.
because soon it curdled;
weeks were spents worrying, days were spent crying, and hours were spent looking at an empty inbox.
but i do promise you there was a time when i loved you. and even if it was only for a split second, a time when you loved me too.
because somewhere, there was love intertwined in the knot of “us.”
it ended and i’m okay, because it was for the best. but i someday, somewhere, in some lifetime, our “us” lasted until the end of time.
and there’s a part of me that wishes more than anything, that that lifetime was this one.

rattle my bones like a xylophone  
pluck on my heart strings like a lyre
play your favorite tunes
until you set my soul on fire
play the digits on my spine like a grand piano
hold me warm and tight
place your lips on mine as if they were a trumpet
play my music all throughout the night
i’ll let you do as you please
but please don’t pluck too hard or too soon
because a broken heart makes broken music
and no one will love a heart thats out of tune

When I could paint with the tips of my fingers
I brought life to the sensation constructed in my dreams
A finger-painting framed by, yours truly
But sadly, soon ripped apart at the seams.
The next week I decided to get down to buisness, once again
I had a clean canvas and a clear mind
Although my eyes enjoyed his vibrant color
He wasn't what my heart desired to find.
Tired and lonesome, I tried to come up with something more
Nights spent stressing on if this creation was wrong or right
Hoping the day would come, when I'd finally accept that he's good enough
but instead he blew out my last flame of light.
I scrubbed my hands with vigor
Swore I'd never paint again
Burned all the unused canvases to ash
I haven't been inspired since then.
But one day when I last expected it
Splashes of blue and green caught my eye
A creation I didn't recognize
But couldn't let leave and pass bye
At first I was unsure
Because I couldn't trust a creation not of my own
But I'm glad I leaped into spontaneity
Because If not I'd be missing the love I've never known
Although I've been loved before
And it's living torture to let my heart roam free
Instead of me creating the love I wanted
The love I needed seemed to find me.

i am from walking along the cold cobble stone streets on a rainy sunday afternoon,
only to be welcomed by the warmth of my home. that is tucked into the corner of a forest, at the end of a street in the borderline subburbs.
i am from the La La Land soundtrack being played one too many times, while accompanied by a warm bath that smells of lavender and chamomile. I am from fuzzy socks and blankets snugged up by a crackling firsplace. from watching raindrops hit the glass of my windows, to the way hot chocolate tastes after heart break. i am from a family of way too many essential oils, and burning insense to clear the air. I am from passing out on an unmade bed that waits for me with open arms, and from city street lights that shine brighter than the stars. i am from excessively hanging christmas lights in unnecessary places, and from baking cookies that tastes too sweet for most taste buds. but in the end it all adds up, i am simply just from love.

i think you like your tea sweet
a spoonful of milk and a douse of honey
stirred with a silver spoon
it scrapes the porcelain gently as you brew your sweet potion
your tea wouldn’t be scorching nor chilly, but like the warm summer rain that falls upon those who wait
the cup would radiate a warm touch
like the kiss i’ve imagined rests on your lips
it’s the type of tea you drink on an early November afternoon
when you set the galoshes down and put on warm woolen socks, and hop into a cedar scented sweater
i’m not usually a fan of tea
but your’s might change my mind
i think you like your tea sweet

in my opinion i think having to feel the reality of dying love is 100000000000x harder than not being in love at all. because if you plant a rose bush it’s beautiful for about the whole summer, and maybe a bit of fall. but as the air gets colder, and the temperature changes the roses start to die. and when it starts dying, you don’t want to rip it out of the ground. you want to keep watering it and keep doing everything you can to keep that last rose alive. but eventually it all wilts, dries up, and dies. and if you’re like me, you keep that bush there either because you’re too lazy to rip it out or because you don’t want to let it go (still not sure which one yet) but maybe next time i’ll save myself some tears, and i just won’t plant roses.

My eyes met with yours
in gaze led across the room.
As I slowly fell into their radiating golden light, I got lost.
I saw a cottage made of stone and wood.
Surrounded by waltzing wildflowers and tall leaning oak trees.
The mountains perched behind us while clouds of cotton rested in the sky.
There were kin playing in the fields of rich green grass beside us;
chasing the faires, and fighting the dragons of their fantasties.
And then there were we;
old fingers intertwined into old hands, and wrinkled cheeks from smiling.
We rocked back, and forth, back, and forth, back, and forth.
I looked up at your gracious eyes, and you whispered to me
in a voice as sweet as honey,
"Now I don't remeber much spanish, but Thank you mi amore,"
as you planted a kiss on my cheek.
I blushed in shades of rose as I smiled and whispered back,
"Te amo."
And as those two words slipped from my lips,
in the blink of an eye,
from the chime of a bell,
We were back.
I was carrying my books
heading out of the Spanish classroom.
Our eyes still sewn together by the thread of fate,
you smiled.
I smiled back.
And that is when I knew you were the one.

Am I really that much of a problem
am I tone deaf to the vain that I speak?
Do I really never listen, constantly interupt, and drenched so deep in selfishness that I wreak?
Am I really that much of an issue
no one is fighting when I am around.
Thats why this teepee of a bedroom is home
Because if I step out  don't know how to stop the sound.
Am I really that horrible to close to
no one rushes up to see me like sea does to sand.
And the worst part of it all is falling in love
because I could freeze and shatter their hearts with ust the single touch of my hand.
I wish being me didn't **** so much
and maybe I'm just better off dead.
Because no matter how oblivious I am to my bloodthirsty language
I'll still play the victim in my head.

i’m just abother victim of the green eyed monster

Have you ever felt torn apart
your fingers losing grip like ripping seams
trying to hold on to the old and the new
while lost in a winding road of dreams
Have you ever felt lonesome in chaos
though the sound beats your ears 'til they ring
it's as if your head is underwater
because you can't seem to hear a thing
Have you ever wanted something so badly
that the sight of it just makes your knees weak
so you choose to steer clear to protect your own heart
because it could all fall apart with a peek
Have you ever been madly in love
but you just can't seem to fall
because you're tied back with the ropes of guilt from the past
and you can't afford to, once again, lose it all
Have you ever tried to cradle my heart
you must be gentle because it's barley in one piece
held together with glitter glue and forgotten excuses
yet somehow it's warmth never seems to cease
because I promise you the day when you hold it
you'll forget about the sadness that has continued to whizz
because the broken heart that continues to beat
that's what love really is.

if your love is my wine
i’m drunk on mine

I am so greatful
that the world has let me fall in love
with such a beautiful soul

lets spend no more days doing what we don’t want to do
lets skip 4th period and just drive
drive down these worn down country roads
the songs of robins and sparrows fill the air
the smell of autumn and cinnomin donuts overflow your truck
exchanged smiles, and glances, and laughter
lets watch the sun melt into thr horizon
while the stars flicker in the night
whispering gibberish and placing kisses on rosy cheeks
thats all i want
thats all i’ll ever want.
all i want is your love.
but little did i know before falling
that your love is like a flame.
it’s there and it’s bright, but in a flicker its out,
gone, and never to be seen again.

i don’t understand
sometimes we’re okay
somtimes we are amzing, fantastic; perfect.
but then sometimes we’re not.
sometimes we don’t talk for hours, and i hate it.
sometimes i get wound up and intertwined into the past, and i isolate myself into despair.
sometimes you act like you don’t care, you shove your emotions down into an abyss of black that you try to make me forget, but how could i?
sometimes we are fine, i promise.
it used to be fine all the time, i swear.
but lately for some reason, there’s change in the wind.
maybe you’ve fallen too deep into that abyss.
or maybe i’m too stuck in the past to even dream about the future.
but either way, we’v come too far to give up.
we’ve sacrificed everything to enjoy what little we have.
and i won’t let anything take away what we have.
because i’ve never been happier in my entire life.

most of the moments she remembers
only happen in her dreams