i wasn't born
to not put up a fight

I sometimes remind myself of you
with your ****** fists and smelly breath
you breathe out the anger,
you've been bottling up inside of yourself,
all in my face
funny it smells like alcohol

just as I thought I was over you and your hatred
I notice I still have your eyes and your nose
your fists too

I hate that I find pieces of you within me
and I cannot escape
to be who I want to be
you're holding me hostage inside my own body
I see you in my dreams telling me it's all going to be alright
I see you in the mirror, you've been crying all night

I hate that I blame you, you used to blame me too
for what's going on in your head
you let your fists speak first
I'm becoming more like you

we might look like
same eyes, the same nose

your heart is nothing like mine
i forgave you every single time

When I called to make  reservations, they asked how many will be present
And I had to take a deep breath
Before I could say
Dinner for two
I hung up the phone
On the lady with the deep voice
I imagine her hair short and blonde, dyed
Beautiful dark eyes highlighting her defined face along with the a sharp jaw
Long legs, thin thighs
I imagine her thinking what an idiot I must be
Who calls like that? Who hangs up like that?
Probably thinks I'm lonely
No one to have dinner with
She must have told her friends about me, sitting in the kitchen and laughing
Imagining my hands shaking as I put my phone back in my bag

This is how
I ended up with
Dinner for one
This is why
I never called you
My hands were still shaking from that first call

I fall I fall
On surfaces that
Are ***** and damp and clammy and flat
I fall and land, but curtsey and stand
And while the crowds, they clap
My dress, it hangs
Over feet that cracked
I am I am
A tiny glass house
And my heart it beats under a tightly wound blouse
That accentuates my chest and shows off the rest
But carves my bones and burns my flesh
I wish I wish
Upon a star
That looks down on us
And giggles from afar
That crowds, and their parties and mirrors and reflections
Could stop biting my heels and offering objections
But since the world is just but a boat
That everyone rows to stay afloat
And since this sea ask only for performance
I'll put on my dress and dance for my audience
And as they clap as I fall but stand
I'll whisper to myself a tiny demand
That the next performance won't be so long
And the dance and prance won't finish the song
That when I jump my glass feet will shatter
And I'll disappear from space and matter

Long time not sharing
The hussle of life glaring
Outshining my needs
Breeding boredom until
My eyes sore
Forget to see the Magic
Worse yet
My hands forget to share
The specks of joy
Staring at me in the face
Replaced by the sorrow vision
Displaced by the daily mission
Brushing my dreams aside
Gliding its way to the top priority
Where all else comes first
But my poetry
Has been asleep awhile
I try to express but the words
Are lost in this busy depression
Where I do not have time to feel
End of day reeling questions in mind
Like why and who am I again?
And again
And again
Yet I refrain from rhetorics
For the answers I find come out in rage
Page after page I could tear and burn
From all the frustration I feel as I work
But today
I will tear through the darkness
Harness it so I can love regardless
Of the pain in living as human
The truth is that I carry love
For all of you who share this truth and
I want you to know what it means
To me
When I gaze upon your soliloquies
They save me
Long time not caring it seems
So I will set the record straight:
Thank you for sharing and reading
My poetry mates
Zani will love you always

My words are like blankets
covering my true feelings and meaning

can I get a heart
can I have it without getting hurt

I never say what I feel
no one ever tells me how I feel

My words are injected with my silent pain and quiet cries

They're blankets covering what you'll never find

I have an empty smile
half filled heart

I feel most weak at night
when I have no one to hold

If this is my weakness
out of many
I'll find

I am most beautiful when vulnerable
my tears feel like glass
cutting away the left over loneliness