Before I fall asleep, my chest burns
like I've swallowed a lit cigarette

and if you aren't there to smother it,
I wake up coughing smoke
into my hands.
(b.r.o.)

i have no idea
why i can feel a boxing match
in my rib cage
where bone and heart meet.
or why my skin tingles like i am
watermelon, left on the ground after a picnic,
and the ants have found me.
i don't know what this is-
i'm in enemy territory,
this dumb thing called love.

Last night when we made love
I couldn't wait to feel your naked body against
mine for the rest of our lives.
This morning when I was getting ready
and you placed your hand on my leg
you instantly calmed me
and I could not wait for you to kiss me
on our wedding day.
Right now I feel so empty with you not here
I can not wait to have you in my arms again.

I refuse to be called a cysgender guy
The QSA should really stop being so gay, they should hide
We should have a straight alliance
Yes! Have a straight alliance
have a safe place for all of the kids kicked out of their homes because *mom, dad I’m straight
Have a place where the memories of the children who were killed because they acted too straight
Because we really need to stop saying That’s so straight
Have a straight alliance for the same reasons we should have a white club
I mean seriously even the asians get their own group!
Have a club for all of the c-y-s-g-e-n-d-e-r people
But make sure you don’t include the c-i-s-g-e-n-d-e-r people
Because we really need to stop labeling normal dudes
You know the ones who have *****? Not some confused ****** who got too dyked up
Because we really need people to stop saying that cysgender people will eventually grow out of it

Jesus.
I have a huge ****
But I don't go around
Telling everyone about it.

When i was 13 I thought that gay and straight were things that other people were
People that weren't raised christian
People that didn't have dads
People that were abused
People that i should pray for but not get close to

when i was 14 my best friend came out as gay
i didn't see it coming but i probably should have
she wore ties every day
and plaid shirts with the sleeves rolled up
and cut her hair short as soon as she could
but i didn’t see it because gay was other people

when i was 14 i watched as the news spread like wildfire
“did you hear? that girl is gay.”
I watched as people slowly backed away from her
people that knew her all her life
that is, the people that didn’t cut her off instantly

I watched as the youth group we had both attended asked her to leave
I watched as her drama group kicked her out because they were afraid of the yearly camp we went to
that somehow knowing that she was gay made her more likely to attack the other girls in their beds than the year before

I watched.
I didn’t do anything.

what changed my mind wasn’t a change of perspective on queer people
it still took me a year to decide being gay wasn’t wrong
but i decided that my best friend was someone i would stick with
because i loved her

I quietly stayed.
didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call people out when they called her names behind her back.
I should have.
but i didn’t.
I didn’t join in, but i didn’t defend her
i didn’t say to these people
*******
that girl is beautiful and amazing
and if you can’t see through your hatred then i don’t want to be your friend either
but i didn’t .
I didn’t go through what she did.
I didn’t get kicked out of anything, i didn’t lose friends

When i was 15, i got fed up
I left that drama group.
I stopped going to that church.
I stepped away from those friends and even though i never said why
the look on my face when i ran into them and they asked, “how’s she doing?”
answered that question for them.

I spent 24 hours examining my bible
trying to find the verses that say being gay is wrong
there were barely any
and they were right next to verses that said eating pork was wrong
or planting crops next to each other
or wearing two different fabrics

there was my answer.

this isn't a story of my journey.
This isn't me building myself up
“hey, I wasn't as bad as those other people
I’m good now”

this is a story of how one person can change your life forever

if i didn't have a gay best friend
what a way to start a story, huh?
if i didn't have a gay best friend then I would still be there
quietly praying for the sins of others, but not trying to understand
so don’t look at all Christians and say
they’re awful
they’re bigoted
they’re judgmental
because we are
but often it’s because we don’t know any better
teaching us kindly works
leading by example.