i feel ******* disappointed

by
everyone

don’t try to act all ******* heroic
like i was a tragedy
like you knew me
like it’s affected you


i never knew anyone
and i was born with an empty room for a heart

what a cruel thing
to have your other ripped apart from you
cities falling from skies,
heavens tearing asunder,

empty screams
with a hollow heart
Goodbye My Half

you are like a book to me
with pages torn and missing
yet you never fail to show
the mystery and beauty within

the dusty smell of your pages turned
reveal a soft and fragile state
while your cover is hard and strong
but still withering away

i really would not mind
spending the rest of my life
finding your missing pieces
and reading the words in your eyes

skimming her hands
along the walls,
she rips her gaze away from the murals
that stretch from end to end
and pauses,
digging her nails
chipping paint

she wonders what would happen
if she burned his grand library
down to the
ground


he could only watch
with the fire reflected
in his dread wolf eyes

"dear cat?" alice called, "where are you"
"i seemed to have lost myself again
and although it is quite lovely here
the quiet and shade,
it has only grown to be empty and dark"

when she talks
she's scattered stars compared to the constellations in your eyes
the veins on her eyelids
like small showers against your thunder storms
her lips like mere daffodils
against your budding rose petals
and my heart twinges every time we kiss
because all im tasting is a small flame
compared to the forest fire i felt with you

and I hate comparing her to you
not saying that she is less of a work of art
she is beautiful canvas but i not her artist
my hands feel no familiarity in her slopes
my chisel can't trace her curves
she is a work of art
but her strokes do not belong to me
than again
i don't think you were ever mine either

he's the only thing that's ever filled me to my corners
the way apple pie and ice cream make you hot and cold inside
filling out into every crevice of your body
and keeping you home

i always thought my lungs wouldn't take it
always
gasps of air

i'm constantly looking for fresh air
to fill the corners
and he does it well

as long as a writer is in love with you
you can never truly die

every word they write on paper
will have the whispers from your mouth
and as long as the sounds of the scratching
pencils & the click-clack of keyboards
fill the air
it will follow with the echo of your footsteps
and every line, poem and book
unwritten or unheard of
will have your name written all over it

so fall in love with a writer
because than you'll never truly die

he said i was beautiful
my scars make me beautiful
he said that we ended like a hurricane
that it was a storm and than calm
he says we ended beautifully

he killed me inside

cracked china vase
seep through the crevices
glue it shut
glue it even tighter

pools of water
sink to the floor
sweep it back in
sweep or it's too late

roses laid strewn
spread in every direction
put them back in
For Gods Sake,
Put Them Back In

i loved her a lot you know?

she made me feel like i was ******* immortal. kissing her was practically my high. i counted all the freckles across her face every night before we fell asleep, kissed the ones that were sprinkled on her shoulders. i could have snaked my arms around her waist a thousand times, and never tire of the softness. or compare her skin to snow, every time it stormed where i was.  
she didn't take away my depression, but she made me forget about it. she made it easier. it was like a hurricane inside my head and her eyes could still the storm, even just for a second. and she was so kind to me, far kinder than i've deserved because i left her and i ****** it up so now she's gone.
do you hear me?

i ****** it up.

i still romanticize us
because she was my cup of tea
hot water, warm scent
and if we had seen each other on the subway
i wouldn't have been able to look away
i tried all my life to perfect my canvas
and found that my paint palette
looked much better

rip out my throat
and rake your claws downs my face
cut at my skin
lean in to me
and remind me that love is just a distraction

do not leave me breathing
do not be weak
drive your knife in to me
until my breath rattles
and my eyes still
and remind me that love is just a illusion

wear my skin like a cloak
my blood staining your mouth like lipstick
wear my words like a crown
and my hands wrapping around you, like a belt
and remind me once last time, that love is just a weakness

savage seas keep lovers apart
miles of water in between

but the worst of storms,
is within arms reach
yet still so far apart

do not look to him for validation
like you are a child being told what to do
remind him that you are a castle
your lips are bridges
and thighs like stone walls
that will push him out
until he drowns

do not look to him for approval
or wait for him to nod his head
wrap your hands around his throat
and remind him you are a dragon
your eyes like steely fire
and words like sharp talons
that will rip his ego apart
and leave them
laying in the chasm

do not look to him to save you
and slay your demons in bravery
grab his sword, hold your dress
and save him from the beasts
and set him free

and do not, i beg of you
do not look to him for love
because you will not find it there
there is no love the way he ***** you
the way he doesn't even hold you
i have shown you what love does look like

and that's not what love looks like

do not expect me to love you like you love me
girls like me do not love

we will never meet your parents
or your friends for that matter
we will never dress up for you, or make a promise

girls like me have loved, lost & are lonely
because of the boy who stole our virginity, and not our heart
because of the girl in our math class who said we were too fat to be pretty
because of our friends who said they'd be there for you but left

so do not expect me to love you like you love me
do not love me at all

i beg him to block out their songs
to shut his eyes
and ignore the blue sirens

but it’s obvious
he is stealing glances
when my back is turned
sharing the air
when my eyes are closed
closing the space
when i know

it's really quite too hard to leave the door open
when it's winter
and the frostbite comes nipping
you never know when
cold rains will blow
if you leave the door open

so please close the **** door
on the way out

her lips tasted like narcotics
and yet i felt the revolution
kissed her fingertips
and smelled marijuana

the dark eyes


and the reckless abandon

she tasted like cotton candy
and had skin pale like snow
she was the reason
i gave up painting
the colours
and the strokes

it was always her
that tasted like narcotics
and smoke
everything bittersweet in between

but to her
i tasted of water
and time passing
a shrug, a sideways glance

almost regretfully,
fen'harel turns away

Blessed with a Curse
so ancient,
he forgot which one it is

we were so beautiful
we burned so bright
until we burnt out

or at least that’s what i’m telling myself

the petals are wilting

with no water

no sunlight

no one to brush the dust from the stems
and ask them how they're doing

outstretched hands,
he begs her
to not step closer

reaches out,
he is already gone
and collapses
inside herself

it was not supposed to happen this way,
he swears
the beautiful warrior

the

saviour

For you
I will be the housewife
and obey
and put on my stained apron
with my weathered cracking hands
and cook
your meals hot

For you
I will be the mother
and tell our wonderful blessings
of the perfect man
I met
and how he
fixed me

For you
I will be the good daughter
and force a fake smile
when your mother tells you
that you could do better


For you
I will be the friend
and be your punching bag
in your drunken state
and forgive you
when you come too

For you
I will be the love of your life
and be with you
in all your hardships
and puffy eyes
that even I can’t understand

i think i've given up
on waking up early on sunday mornings
because when i close my eyes
it's flashbacks to you beside me
with a sleepy smile
legs tangled in sheets
and open windows

i think i've given up
superhero movies
because they were your favourites
on friday nights and anniversaries
when we watched the capes and guns and fights
and pointed out,
who was our favourites

i think i've given up certain songs
because we danced to them too much
because when i close my eyes
i see your favourite black and gray dress
when i hold you close
and let you go

i think i've given up
certain parts of the world
because when i went to new york this summer
i kept looking for you everywhere

i think i've given up
even my passions and desires
because it's been months since i picked up a brush
since all my paintings were you

i think i've given up
a large part of my life
a large part of me
because the moment i let you go
was the moment i found peace

////PART ONE/////

tales of old,
of legend,
a lesson
fen'harel
hunts once more

humbled and hallowed,
the gods welcomed him
with open arms
and blinded eyes

shared visions
and revealed dreams
they saw and cried,
but were sealed
away

pointed ears
with gleaming teeth
the fen'harel stalks
once again

leaves die, fall and grow
remind the mortals on earth
of fen'harel
god of betrayal
remind them
He Who Hunts Alone


////PART TWO/////

soft skin
of open mind
the chosen girl
rises

with trembling arms
and a steady voice
she leads the world of men
to victory

hidden skin
fen'harel approaches
clever wit
and wise words
they welcome him

like the gods,
the humans are blind
ignorant
never listening
to their mothers stories
of fen'harel

blur of hope
the herald stands
against demons
against sin
against pride and jealousy

but remembers her humanity
as andrastes chosen
and not andraste herself

soft eyes flash
to white,
when the mortal girl deepened the kiss
a startled gasp
collapse,
for the God fen'harel

i thought i was kissing you goodnight
and if i had known it was goodbye

i would have kissed you a little longer

heavy footsteps
his hot breath
keeps me frozen

i grab his wrist
but i'm a feather
and he's a beast
and he pushes against my collarbone


the lamb cries
and the wolf is done his hunt

half-closed eyes
and hidden freckles
under smudged concealer

her hair falls long
sunshine
turned to red light
and darkness

it is not Her
let me find peace

to whoever is lucky to love her next…

she will cry. sometimes she will feel like crap with no explanation and she doesn’t owe you one. just hold her and let her cry, kiss away her tears.

you will never worry about her criticizing you because she makes you feel like castle. she will always be there for you, she will kiss you and love you even when you are hard to love.

she will doubt herself and cry, don’t let her go away. remind her that she is smart and capable of great things. she will do great things.

she will complain about the snowy paleness of her skin and the striking blue veins that spread across her skin like lightning. she will be pleased when she loses a couple of pounds of her beautiful curves in her body. do not encourage her, do not get angry. love her.

you will never worry whether she is smarter than you, you just know she is. to this day, she is still the most intelligent girl i’ve ever met.

she takes aliens very seriously. if you’re with her, you’re probably a believer too. watch the night sky with her and watch her eyes light up with excitement when a star falls. she doesn’t realize that they fall for her.

there will be days where she binge watches a show, or cannot stop listening to a song. if you love her, watch the show. listen to the song. join her while she is doing her favourite things. she will remember it.

her kindness is one of her best qualities but remind her that she is strong and cannot be pushed around. she has a voice, she will be heard

when she feels sad and gloomy, always try music. dance with her, swing her around in her favourite twirly dresses and bring her close. she’s a beautiful dancer.

she has storms in her eyes and the waves crashing will make you realize that home doesn’t always have a roof and a doorway, but two eyes and a beating heart.

so for god sakes, do not break her heart. do not ever ******* break her heart because if you were lucky enough to be loved by her , you don’t need anything else

white sleeves slipping over her wrists
just a little too big
just a little too
empty.

I had already fallen in love
with far too many houses
when you showed up…
wearing curtains of strong roots and heavy anchors
in the small folded corners of your smile
I found a home


in the absence of a “home”
my childhood was littered with several houses
and although the rooms were packed with orange chairs
and blue kitchen tiles
the houses never filled the home
the home that I recognized
when I saw a hearth flickering in your eyes
the gentle heater hum that came from your heart
and though you showed no walls or windows
there was no deadbolt on your doors
but a roof over my head
that I held up with shaking arms
and our fingers interlocking
like perfect lock and key

I had already fallen in love  
with far too many houses
when you showed up
and I wish I had known than
that you cannot make homes out of people

how natural this feels
like water flowing against a smooth stone
your voice echoing in to the corners of my lungs
and smell,
weaving between the strands of my hair

she goes to bed in his arms
tired from her day with friends

i go to bed drunk
because it's the only way
to shut the **** up

but she consumes my mind all the time
you can't grow a new heart

but ****,
i wish i could.

i tried to fix you, my darling
by pouring my love in to your crevices and cracks
but by the time you recovered and departed
there was no love for me left

dear jade,

i think i’m going mad again.
it was raining the other night, a frightful storm. in my rush to get home, i thought i saw a shape on the floor and fell. it was only the street light reflecting off a puddle.

do you remember how hard i cried when we were last in school together? i was so much younger and i truly thought that was the deepest pool of my sadness. but i know now it isn’t.


love forever,

joanne

'it's so loud'
she screamed
over the silence
'everything keeps talking
and yelling
at me'

he passed
and stroked
the leaves

and the whole tree shivered
like they were waiting for him

there's monsters staying in my head tonight
i can't sleep without their tears
two am? three am?
no wait, I think it's five?
it takes me hours upon exhaustion
to drain my monsters out
to lead them out to play

and fall in to the darkness

The elf fell in love
gave up immortality
but the human lied

frozen statues,
victims,
what would you have them do

she is part of the world
that he seeks to
destroy

he is not the curse
inflicted on the vessel
soft skin
turned to fur and teeth

only in the fade,
can he mutter apologies
of another life,
where it would be enough

he left her with nothing
but a world
a life
to watch him burn.

it's never simple with you is it
the princess who ripped her own dress
and killed the queen on shards of mirror mirror
who knew the apple was poisoned
and ate it, laughing

it's never easy with you is it
the girl who refused to scrub the floors
but left the cinders light
to watch the house burn down

it's never fair with you is it
the one who cut her hair with a sword
and adorned the garments of another world
and refused to save anyone but herself

i don’t think i connect to humans

the same way
they connect
to
each
other

she is not the innocence
of the sweet ladies in the water
but the sirens that call to me
beckoning,
never touching

she no longer resembles
the sunset at the ocean
but the violent waves
that tossed the ship

and she is never the sunshine
that guided my mast to shore
but the red light, the fog
that left me wondering
and
lost

how many chances has the ships given the ocean
before being relentlessly tossed to the coast
rocking back and forth,
splintering and breaking
the boat in half

how many chances has the ships given to the ocean
before being violently slammed in to rocks
water rushing through the cracks
spilling the sailors
to their depths

how many chances has the ships given to the ocean
to forgive, to promise not to hurt
yet the ships never learn,
and continue to sail

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
they wept, tearing out their hair
and tossed it into the ocean
turning it into seaweeds.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
who then hid themselves in caves, till they passed
their skin growing pale and lifeless
till feathers emerged from their hands.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
who decided to mutilate their legs
and scar their feet
so they would no longer be human.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
and the creatures wailed as loud as they could,
screeching noises, ringing
but sounded only like bells to men.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
but they didn't see beauty or sin
instead,
walking vessels
an empty name
and a prize to win.