chasing rain

chasing rain Dec 2022

if i exposed myself,
every feeling,
every thought,
every miniscule detail
that forms my body,
my brain,
my identity—

i would be dead to you.

(thankfully, though,
i’ve gotten the memo early.)

it’s obvious now,
you never wanted a child.

you wanted a robot, ready to reprogram.
a servant, to do your bidding.
a doll, to dress up the way you want.

you wanted perfection,
not a child.

you wanted perfection,
not me.

you are not my god,
and i will never be made in your image.

—and i know you will never accept me

#mother #identity #depression #expectations #perfection #homophobia #religioustrauma

chasing rain Dec 2022

patience

i do not have the patience of a god,
yet i find myself waiting yet again.

i do not have the patience of a god,
but when you return with tears in your eyes,
my arms are open wide—
heart willing, though it aches again—
ready to hold you close once more.

i do not have the patience of a god, no,
but i do think i have the patience of a flower.

i do not think you notice,
too busy in your own mind.
for once, i was a blooming daisy,
so welcoming, so bright—
day after day. week after week.

i do not think you saw me,
for the lily petals that once were brilliant
had curled and wrinkled into an ugly shade of brown,
and the daffodil petals scatter on the ground,
leaving nothing but a twisted, wilted stem.

i do not think i have the patience of a god,
though i think i was given a heart like a god.
for i still love you, painfully,
like thorns on a rose.

and though i may have a love like a god,
the rest of me is still
so stupidly human.

please don’t come back this time.

though if you do,
i will open my arms again.

—though my heart will shatter when you leave again

#depression #waiting #patience #love #yearning #hurt

chasing rain Dec 2019

get rid of me

i hate you because
you are the only reason
that i'm still alive

seriously just let me die already

#haiku #depression #suicidal #relationship

chasing rain Sep 2018

dive back in

i began
crawling out
of the ocean
that was black

i began
climbing up
of a hole
that had no end

it felt like i could breathe
it felt like i could see

i felt two warm hands
grab my cold limbs
and pull me up
up
up

out.
free.

i could finally
be
free—

then i slipped.

scrambling to grab
the hands of my savior
but failing

and i fell.

i gasped for help,
feeling ink fill my lungs
the light begin to fade

i’m cold again
i’m choking again
i’m blind again

i let the dark envelope me

and dive back in to melancholy

—why can't i be happy forever

#depression

chasing rain May 2018

my sun at midnight

the only sound
i seem to hear
is the rumbling thunder
and heavy rain
inside my head.

the only sight
i seem to see
is a gloomy grey
and dark clouds.

then you show up
and my heart becomes lighter.

'the dark times of being alone
are over.
the sadness
and the anger
that you feel
do not define you.
they never have.

you are not alone anymore.
never again.

i will walk with you
and i will love you
enough for the both of us
even after
you've learned
to love yourself.'

you said to me
at ungodly hours of the night
when everyone else
was sound asleep.

―a list of things i don't deserve: love, happiness, comfort, and you.

#love #imfinallyprettyhappy #imtryingtowriteaboutit

chasing rain Dec 2017

a conversation with myself

“all i can write is despair”

you want to stop but you can’t
everybody is watching you

watching, waiting
waiting, watching

“i’m looking for myself”

you’re alone
drowning in a sea of eyes
listening to
whispering winds of judgement

“i can’t find myself”

this desert you own
is filling with tears

tears become streams
streams become oceans

“i’m drowning”

everything is falling apart
you can do whatever you want

“i want to die”

your oceans turn red
your skies become black
the winds chant a mantra

everyone hates you. you’ve always been useless. you aren’t meant to be alive. please just die.

“i want to die”

you promised you’d be happier

“i am a mess”

are you?

—it all comes in phases

#depression #suicidal #alone

chasing rain Dec 2017

sick of lovesick

supposedly,
“love is”

it was supposed to be
an arrow through my chest.

instead it’s
an asteroid destroying a planet,
merciless,
demolishing all foundations.

i’m sick of it.

“pining for attention,”

wishing for
invisibility.
i don’t want your attention.
i won’t look at you,
so don’t look at me.

i’m sick of it.

“feverish faces,”

you talk to me
and i’m burning.
liquid fire pumps
through my veins,
and it’s unbearable.

i’m sick of it.

“and drumming hearts.”

screaming,
racing pulse,
left breathless,
drowning in a salty ocean,
lungs filling with liquid.

i’m sick of it.

this world was
fine.

boxed in a bedroom,
listening to stories
of other people,
but you’ve brought
unfamiliarity into this
dull world of mine.

the sun was never yellow,
the trees were never green,
pink was never a feeling.

this world was
grey,
black,
and white.

put everything
back to normal.

because i’m sick
of being
lovesick.

—love is a disease i'm not ready to experience alone

#love #lovesick #sad #crush