People always tell you that it can get better
What they neglect to tell you is how much worse it gets
Before the better part comes
In every eating disorder novel,
You can always perfectly pinpoint the moment
The protagonists steps over the line of unwell
Into well
This whole 'recovery' deal sounded good enough at first
I get to eat Luna Bars,
I have positive quotes all over the place,
I meditate and do yoga all day,
I somehow reach the a level of Enlightenment
Usually reserved for Buddhist monks
And I don't have to live with a ******* eating disorder anymore
I bought a recovery journal
To talk back to my mental illness
But so far my depression has taken control of the pen
I bought a adult coloring book
To help me de-stress
But I still only want to color a river on my wrists a crimson color

I keep thinking there's a way to be a functional bulimic
Or even better, a functional anorectic
A way that I can be recovered and enlightened and normal
And still dissect each and every meal
As if I was dealing with something ***** and impure
Is it still recovery if I can't fight the voices in my head?
Is if still recovery if I don't even try?
Is it still recovery if I still can't look in the mirror,
want the outside to mirror the chaos inside,
crave sunken cheeks and fallen out hair
That I want to preform a vanishing act right before your eyes
See my skin cave in, bones protruding
I used to think that eating disorders were about beauty
But now I realize they're about pain
And perfection and punishment
And I had to live through it to see that

I seem to never be able to do anything right
And my eating disorder was supposed to remedy that
I was good at self destruction
I was good at sitting at dinner, sipping diet coke
Feeling oh, so superior and smiling brightly
As I said that I'd already eaten
And begged my stomach pains not to betray me then
But now I've failed at having an eating disorder
And at not having an eating disorder
And I can't live anymore in this shade of gray
Coloring everything and ruling my thoughts
I don't want to be in "recovery"
I want to be recovered
Because no one tells you
How you'll cry through every single meal
How you'll see yourself grow in the mirror and not know
What's real and what's not
No one tells you
That an eating disorder never goes away
That you'll never diet again
That trying to lose weight in recovery isn't a good idea

The worst thing about an eating disorder
Is that there is no such thing as abstinence
Recovery is not one decision
It is a decision you will have to make
Every time you find yourself looking down at a plate
And at first, you'll have to pray to the gods
For indulging in the sins of being a human
But someday, maybe someday
Those prayers will go somewhere else

I fell behind because I was too busy pushing you forward.

It's weird to think a year ago
We never even spoke
Now I tell you everything
Now you tell me everything
Now I trust you with the world
You now mean the world
And we never spoke a year ago
You were just kind of there

I still order chicken strips
(with a side of fries)
And when my cartoons go off
Sometimes I have to cry

I still kick my covers off
And refuse to sleep with socks
And when I go to the candy store
I still get sugar rocks

My Barbies still have boyfriends
(and better hair than me!)
My dessert is still 99% sprinkles
And 1% ice cream

My stuffed animals still have names
And they have feelings, too
I can't sleep with only one
I invite the whole **** crew!

I still have my night light
(shh! Don't tell my friends!)
And my math is still not very good
"5 plus 5 is 10!?!"

Despite my inner child
And my silly pointless fears
It seems in 15 years of living
I've aged a hundred years

The rain is tapping on my window 
For the first time in a while
But it's not all the falling water 
That's troubling my smile 

The rain, to me, is comforting 
It's here when you are not
But then again it reminds me how
About me you forgot 

It's the only thing that's whispering
Sweet nothings in my ear
It's the only thing that's bothering
To take care of my tears

So now that the rain is back
I'm not lonely anymore
The painful ringing in my ears
Is hushed by the downpour

I close my eyes to fall asleep
But there's only one thing I can see
A handsome groom and a big white dress
Their fingers in a ring's caress

Sleep has taken me away
But my dreams obsess over our big day
Exchanging promises from the heart
Vows to never stray apart 

I wake up, heart beating fast
Another dream of us has passed 
My very first thought is of you
And all the things we plan to do

We'll find a house to make our home
A place for memories to be grown
Within the walls of our little space 
We'll welcome more than one new face 

My thoughts run away with me
To the wonderful parents we could be
To carry children made with you
Would truly be a dream come true

Four little ones to love and raise
With Mommy's fight and Daddy's craze 
What an adventure our future holds
Raising demons to be angels 

Though most of the time you won't be home
I won't be raising them alone
I'll have your support and you'll have mine
To pull through months of divided time 

So through thick and thin, by your side I'll be
Even while you're out at sea
I am yours and yours alone
When you're gone and when you're home 

I'd love to spend my life with you
From now till the time that death is due
Though our bodies may weaken, our love will stay strong
I'll stay by your side, right where I belong 

So someday when we both grow old
It's still your hand that I will hold
Even at my dying breath
I'll love you with all that I have left

I can promise you one thing 
To you my heart will forever cling
I devote to you my life
I'd give anything to be your wife

The world is in full color, the sky still sporting tones of pink as it grows dark
every word spoken is like a tiny love note to me, i wonder if im too sentimental
ive got galaxies in my heart and im afraid of all the stars burning out too fast (talk about heartburn,,,,,,, hah)
maybe one day we'll all go to space together
what do diamonds shine like on the surface of the moon?  
11 pm, watching the cars go by
ive never been a fan of light pink until i realized it felt like home
love feels like pastel colors, like the comforting presence of the moon in the night sky, the calm quietness of underwater
is it possible to die from cheesiness?
im worried i might start throwing up glitter (even though that would look pretty cool)
everything feels lighter and softer than usual
it almost feels as if im surrounded by bubbles
youre like crystals, beautiful and perfect no matter what shape or form
and im floating on air
im going to cry? but in a good way
everything feels like pastel colors and sparkles and so much sugary-sweetness its almost TOO much but not quite
filed under: "Love Aesthetic (tm)"
im going to literally scream and explode into rainbow confetti
im so gay