People always tell you that it can get better What they neglect to tell you is how much worse it gets Before the better part comes In every eating disorder novel, You can always perfectly pinpoint the moment The protagonists steps over the line of unwell Into well This whole 'recovery' deal sounded good enough at first I get to eat Luna Bars, I have positive quotes all over the place, I meditate and do yoga all day, I somehow reach the a level of Enlightenment Usually reserved for Buddhist monks And I don't have to live with a ******* eating disorder anymore I bought a recovery journal To talk back to my mental illness But so far my depression has taken control of the pen I bought a adult coloring book To help me de-stress But I still only want to color a river on my wrists a crimson color
I keep thinking there's a way to be a functional bulimic Or even better, a functional anorectic A way that I can be recovered and enlightened and normal And still dissect each and every meal As if I was dealing with something ***** and impure Is it still recovery if I can't fight the voices in my head? Is if still recovery if I don't even try? Is it still recovery if I still can't look in the mirror, want the outside to mirror the chaos inside, crave sunken cheeks and fallen out hair That I want to preform a vanishing act right before your eyes See my skin cave in, bones protruding I used to think that eating disorders were about beauty But now I realize they're about pain And perfection and punishment And I had to live through it to see that
I seem to never be able to do anything right And my eating disorder was supposed to remedy that I was good at self destruction I was good at sitting at dinner, sipping diet coke Feeling oh, so superior and smiling brightly As I said that I'd already eaten And begged my stomach pains not to betray me then But now I've failed at having an eating disorder And at not having an eating disorder And I can't live anymore in this shade of gray Coloring everything and ruling my thoughts I don't want to be in "recovery" I want to be recovered Because no one tells you How you'll cry through every single meal How you'll see yourself grow in the mirror and not know What's real and what's not No one tells you That an eating disorder never goes away That you'll never diet again That trying to lose weight in recovery isn't a good idea
The worst thing about an eating disorder Is that there is no such thing as abstinence Recovery is not one decision It is a decision you will have to make Every time you find yourself looking down at a plate And at first, you'll have to pray to the gods For indulging in the sins of being a human But someday, maybe someday Those prayers will go somewhere else
I have no idea what this is. I just needed to ramble.