“Is this your first ****** period?” Nancy's fake-in-it-for-the-money-English-foster-mother asked.
“Yes, in junior high school the day is divided into ****** periods,” Nancy replied.

My happiness is gone.

I don't know where it went.

It might have slipped out of my heart and up my throat while I was sleeping.

Or someone might have stolen it.

All I know is that it's gone forever.

I have my happy pills.

They force fake happiness into my brain.

They trick my heart into thinking that I'm happy.

They trick my friends into thinking I'm happy.

They trick him into thinking I'm happy.

They trick my family into thinking I'm happy.

But the worst of all is that they trick me into thinking I'm happy.

My happiness is gone.

Where could it have gone?

Maybe it's there behind your ear.

Or hidden in a hat.

Is this a magic trick?

One where you wave your hand over the hat and say the 'magic word'?

This is a cruel trick.

One that can't be undone.

My happiness is gone.

And its no where to be found.

You ask me what my diet is
and I am reminded that for three years of my life
All I had in my lunchbox
were jam sandwiches
Single slices of own brand bread
with scrapings of red in the center
If there was anything there
at all
And I tell you that I've never had a problem
with portion control

You ask me again how I stay so skinny
and I think of all the days I spent
rummaging through bare cupboards
Looking for something I could have
for dinner
As I tell you that I have always
been like this

You wrap ******* around my
wrist and joke that a breeze would ******* away
and I can see myself now
11 years old and 5 foot nothing
Pushing my sister in her pram
up a hill on the way home from
school
Straining under the weight
And I tell you that my body had
never failed me when it wasn't windy out

You demand to know why nothing I eat sticks to me
But I can't tell you how my frame
hasn't yet gotten used to being full
of something other than rage
And I don't think I would recognize
the girl who wasn't starving
and stuffing her face
So I tell you that I just don't know

You can't help but ask why I didn't just buy myself something extra
And I smile when I think of the small
amount that I had to spend
and the fiver worth of sweets it went on
that I handed to my baby siblings as I shut the door
to their room
On the worst day I can remember
Because they didn't have to be hungry too
So I didn't eat a single one

But I tell you that skinny is just a memory I didn't get to give back.

**** around
too many thoughts in my head
they need to breath
they need to be
i’ve turned my anxiety inside out
and broken through the wall.

substance user  
feeling abuser

i am the ghastly ideas that
pace under your bed at night
the man in the corner at a
short glance.
feel my pain because i have none left.
clear skies reflect white lies
i don’t want to change my brown eyes

I’m sorry
I’m not who you think I am
I lie
I’m just trying to protect you
I’m rude
I can’t let anyone to close
You could ask me
To show you the real me
But all you will see is pink and glitter
Because I’m  afraid
Of the darkness inside
I’m so sorry