Tell me who I'm meant to be
Because as of now I'm just a moth drawn to light
A moth drawn to the golden glow of their aura
An inspiration that lies somewhere between the gods i don't believe in and the unattainable sensation of perfection
This fixation on beauty ever out of reach
To be the soft crackle on vinyl
Or a warm smile to a stranger
What is my place in this barren world?
The eerie glowing of the moon or the golden rays of the sun shining in the bedroom of your loved one
Tell me who i'm meant to be because the old me is dead and the new me hasn't been born yet

Remember when i was young?
Left alone in the night
Rain pattering upon the rooftops
I screamed against the wind
"Oh god, if you exist give me some sort of comfort"
My protector is drowned in hard liquor
Angry at the world
And to this day
I can hear your shouts of rage in the thunder
And to this day
our malevolence is traumatizing
I cant sleep without some sort of recollection of your hands around my throat
A makeshift noose
You were so desperate to make me your dream daughter
that you were willing to **** the one you already had
I know father
I was formed of false love
A spitting image of my mother
Everything you hate
and wish to give back to hell
I know father
You cant force love upon the waste of breath you see me as
Your constant reminder that you were never good enough
My wasted life is spent learning more on how to forgive myself for ever loving you
Than how to forgive you for ever hating me

The first night I entered you greeted me with a smile
I was shaking and tired from staying three hours in the ER
You asked me what was wrong and I told you that I was fixing my posture,
but we both know that wasn't true
The bugs were crawling in my skin
you could see it too
That first night you gave me my medicine and told me sweet dreams
Not too long later I woke up screaming
The bugs ate my brain, my limbs wouldn't move
You came in and calmed me until the parasites no longer grew

The next evening you greeted me with a smile
I greeted you with tears
I couldn't breathe and didn't want to be here
You told me it was for my own safety and I told you no, here in general
Existing was too agonizing
My soul doesn't have a place in this
barren world
You told me I spoke poetry and asked me if I wrote
so I showed you my secrets
And the silence spread on for eons
As grew my anxiety
Finally you said "you have a gift"
I told you "no I have depression"
Later that night you gave me a stuffed owl and told me happy birthday
That was the first night the bugs kept still

Evening came once again and you greeted me with a smile
I greeted you with an exasperated sigh
You looked at the MMPI test and knew exactly what I meant
I fixed my posture
You knew the bugs were squirming again
I told you they're judging me for the answers that I put
You said it's my mental illness
It's not a part of me
but I refused to believe
Later that night I spilled out my anxiety
and told you the world hated me for the bugs that I carry
There's a leech in my heart and it sinks into anyone who cares
You said I was an inspiration for anyone who's bugs they let die
because even they deserve life too
so I named my leech Hope  

My last night you greeted me with a smile
I greeted you with a parting letter
We sat in the room and you told me not to fear the bugs in my skin
It was a symbolism of thriving life
so I told you about Hope in my heart
You gave me a hug and we joined the others for cards
A game was played and you showed us a cool trick
Laughter filled the room
Our depression was dismissed
and that was the first time I believed in magic
so that was the name of the parasite in my brain