One day after a couple of blunts in my friends car the conversation of
"Whats the worst thing you have that you could lose?"
Someone said their eyesight cause they like colors too much, I almost agreed; I dont know how long I could last in a world with no tie dye and  where I couldnt watch the sunset dance its ****** and the sky take its curtain call.

Someone said hearing,
God this one I almost totally agreed with. My favorite songs are now only the parts I can remember.
My mom can now only yell at me with her eyes and never will you hear your love say I do in their violin voice.

Still something else seemed worse, and it might just be because im so sentimental, but I answered memory.
I REMEMBERED a friend from middle school that I rode the bus with who was usually very cheerful getting on the bus one day looking very distressed, and it was only 6:45, what couldve been wrong so soon? So I asked.

"My Grandmothers alzheimers has gotten worse,  she forgets my name sometimes."
That hurt me to hear and I could only be there for her that morning.
As time went on she returned to slight normalcy but one day she got on the bus looking more sullen than ever, I moved to her seat to talk to her about it.

"My grandmaw is in a nursing home now, and every day when she wakes up she doesnt know why shes there. She doesnt just forget my name anymore."
She. Didnt really return to any normalcy and as months went bye she was out of school for a day and when she came back she explained to me why and it still rings in my head as one of the saddest things I've heard.
"My grandmaw got worse and worse, eventually having to be reminded how to use utensils, and she forgot about my grandpaw, and eventually how to eat and drink. Her funeral was yesterday."


So when the question was asked I thought about having to visit a loved one and having to introduce yourself,
And not being able to say,
"Remember that christmas when we both over ate?" Or "remember the time you paid for our first date? Do you still remember what I ate?  Do you remember our vows? Do you remember when we hid our hickies from our parents and it didnt work? "
"Remember riding our bikes past the firehouse and scraping our knees? Do you remember the time at your birthday when you let me help you blow your candles out? Remember when we talked about how to talk to girls remember summer days spent swimming and laughing till our stomachs hurt because nothing really mattered? Do you remember?"

That would eat me alive,
Take my legs and arms,
Those things can be made fake,
But memories cant be replaced.
Make them while theyres time to be made, and write a detailed autobiography just to be alzheimers proof.

Rivers often mix; allowing their waters  to meet and mingle and swirl and be one,
Often rivers split however, after years of a certain current on one odd angle could bore its way into a body of land and once again these rivers would separate, only to meet again in whatever reservoir they may drain into which is intermittently connected with every other natural water source, ultimately reuniting with other waters including their own;
Along the way though some take their time. they meander lazily flowing more directions than they could ever practically need to but I think they do it because those other rivers take the whole punctuality thing too seriously, and either way theyre already there.

"Youre such a baby!"
The words I suppose will define my first and most crucial flaw.
The irrepairable error I cant get away from.
Ya know, at this point though, hearing the words flow from your mouth nowadays,
"Youre such a baby!"
It seems more and less applicable.
When you first said it I was most definitely a baby, freshly able to call myself 16 and I thought I was head over heels then. But nowadays I find myself being semi childish over you and then I remember were not actually anything were just whatever and I just hear it,
"Youre such a baby!"
Hm.
The phrase haunts her mind like a specter she sometimes forgets about; but its always there
Im sorry.
I feel like my dreams grow bigger and realer every day and they include you more and more but then theres days where I just feel like if I was the last person on earth youd walk on bye humming.
"Im a ******* baby"
Its weird. I dont think im a baby at all and then you make me remember.
I still need to remember to learn from children that nothing is as serious as I let it seem.  Every day you lose a tiny bit of interest in me and I watch it. I feel like im watching the water from my fishbowl evaporate. I noticed you think you can pick out certain life images from people to decide your compatibility. That is so intuitive but the edges of our puzzle pieces dont really fit every day.
"If we never date we never break up"
I dont really care if we date losing you is gonna **** again. But when the day comes I know well cope. Youll yoga me away and skip the shotglass, Ill probably roll more blunts than my throat is ok with and convince myself im all I need. I dont feel deserving of you and your imperfectionsz So much bounces around my head when I write right now that only like 10% of what I need to come out is coming out.
It feels like im trying to pull only my matching socks from a spinning laundry machine.
I need to just chill.

Dancing somewhere in the shadows, behind whatevers in the way,
Her thoughts spin quietly,
As if shes afraid of knowing what to say,
They jump and fall and press themselves to the tip of her tongue but courage or lack thereof reminds her what must be done.
The words she uses fit perfectly like the notches of a key fit a lock,
Her application is where the art is,
Delivery as gentle soft rock.


I just wanna know,
Everything you wish you had,
Everything I'm not for you,
And everything he is,
Is there something I can do about it?
Or is it just the proof in the pudding that I'm supposed to be alone?

When he strums do you have the urge to tell him,
"You're definitely not allowed to do that"
And when my arms are wrapped around you is it his voice bouncing around in your head that drowns me out?
Lately I don't know which parts of me you'd keep if I fell apart,
Or which you would trash because you have no use for them.


She always tells me 95 percent,
And vague as they can be listening to her speak her words is always time well spent.

Today I wake n baked with the world.
I stepped outside into the 11 o clock sun and let my eyes adjust,
"Hello clouds, lookin good, hows it hangin?"
They didnt answer, they never do.
But they did me a solid and stuck around for me to look at.
I sat down on the second step and put my **** down next to me. I took a deep breath and looked around at the fenced in yard and grass that needed cutting but the spring weather wont permit it lately. I remember when there was no fence, the now slight dip in the yard was a crater, and when the skirting was missing after numerous hurricanes. Rosie followed me down and went on to lay in the sun for a while.
I took a hit and held it in, the warmth a familiar feeling in my lungs, I smiled and exhaled into the sun.
After I was finished coughing and whatever song was on ended it was too serene for me to ruin with more rap music at the moment.
There were honeybees and there were wasps everywhere in the grass, hunting, very active. I never noticed how graceful and well equipped wasps are until I was able to observe and appreciate one for more than a pain bringing nuisance. I watched as a wasp flew around my foot then off into the grass clearly not interested in me.
He landed on a piece of grass mid flight and quickly crawled around under the grass, im assuming hunting. Regardless it was cool and ive never seen that, I saw other wasps doing it and started thinking about the fact that they are the only real insect predator in my yard I think. There are probably others like spiders and stuff but wasps seem the most prevalent, and the most determined.
As I stopped focusing so much on the wasps I noticed it seemed like the grass was talking. It sounded like it was making that "snap crackle pop" noise from rice crispies or whatever that cereal is. Im not sure what the noise really was but I would swear the grass was just saying hello.
On closer examination maybe it was singing hello? The noise was lovely, almost enchanting.
Idk but I prolly sound crazy, oh well.

Tonight I went to the city to investigate a mystery witha girl who reaked of destiny, marijuana, and body odor.
She has hair that can only be recreated in nature by peakcocks and birds of paradise, and a mind that a child would see eye to eye with. Not as in shes unintelligent but her imagination open mindedness, curiosity and raw hunger for knowledge and fun experiences can only be matched by those of us not yet knowledgable to feel and understand the worst of our world. Having always been obsessed with the moon it didnt strike me as odd that she spoke of that first.
"The other day I figured it all out, its the ****** moon"
Now at first this meant little to nothing to me but she went on to explain how we measure time is wrong because the moon controls us ( she mentioned something about menstrual cycles +tides lol )more than the sun and then she explained something about the 13 moon cycles,
Good and bad aliens,
The universe is a place of free will,
Reptillians want the world for human souls,
Eminem got his soul back,
This guru girl with the galaxy always on her mind isnt even that close of a friend. Shes kind of crazy and reaching in ways but shes just a thinker and I think shes onto something. Her psychiatrist said shes stuck in dreamland but as far as im concerned the whole thing is a dream so ¿

I wanna skip the summer and go straight through the fall  (Though the summer and fall will be magnificent im sure) to the beginning of winter, I wanna kiss you as the airs crispens and the leaves trade all their warmth for a dazzling glacial nightgown and wrap you up around a fire while we discuss wether bees have a favorite flowers because what else would we talk about?

Three nights ago I was the happiest id been.
Three nights ago I had one perfect thing.
Three nights ago I was finally sure.

Two nights ago I ****** all that up.
Two nights ago I could love my reflection.

Last night I ****** my second ( third depending on how you look at it ) chance up.

But a year ago I laid eyes on a girl who hasnt left the back of my mind since.
She always said to me how love wasnt real, and to me that was *******.
"Ive been in love tons of times over the past 3 years"  I probably thought.

But those sophmoric ideals and freshman follys had taught me nothing and left me with nothing but a false shell of what I thought love was.
I never knew really but now I do I think, or I think I have a better idea.
Love is when you literally cant be apart from someone without counting the hours in between seeing them again.
Love is when the thought of someone not wanting you makes you wake up in the middle of the night.
Love is when the drugs hAve you  so out of it you dont think you can get off the couch but if  you heard their voice youd sprint full speed towards it.
Love is being overly sensitive about someones actions or emotions or thoughts because they are too selfish to see that the things they do effect other people and still not wanting THEM to be hurt.
Love is having your greatest fear wrapped around you and kissing it on the cheek because thats the only thing it wants.

I think I can also find love in the fact that  My world crumbled around me as you pulled out of my driveway once again and I laid punch after punch into my door and screamed your favorite curse word into the metal I could only see your face and the horror that might be on it seeing me like this and that was the worst moment of my life I felt like my heart was literally climbing through my throat to reach my brain and knock some fcking sense into it.

Im still not sure of what love is but I KNOW I love you

EVERY TIME I SAY GOODBYE TO YOU I WANT YOU TO FEEL LOVED AND LETTING YOU GO MAKES ME WANT TO TELL YOU A MILLION THINGS TO MAKE FEEL LOVED SO EVEN IF I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN NOBODY CAN EVER MAKE YOU FEEL UNLOVED.

WHEN YOU LAUGH STARS ARE BORN AND THEY COME INTO THIS WORLD ON THE SOUNDS OF SOMETHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THEY ARE.

WHEN YOU SING I HEAR MY GRANDMOTHER WHISTLING WITH ALL HER WIND CHIMES AND THATS WHY I CRY WHEN I HEAR IT

WHEN YOU SAY " be nice to her"  I SEE MY PRESCHOOL TEACHER THE TIME SHE TAUGHT ME MY FIRST LESSON IN FORGIVENESS

WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE I GET THE FEELING I GET WHEN I WAS 6 AND THE ICE CREAM MAN TURNED DOWN MY ROAD AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS RUN DIRECTLY TO HIM I JUST WANT TO RUN DIRECTLY TO YOU.

I wish I could make you understand.
I wish I could squeeze away your tears,
You seemed only to be lingering,
Now though I see fully,
And now my die is cast, my coin is spent and im out of credits my last chance is ticking down,
I press the button to play again,
Game over.

Tomorrow ill wake up and smoke,
And as the only visible proof I have that im still breathing billows from my mouth all ill want is to kiss you instead of my ****.
But as these thoughts darken my morning ill remember something,
Ill remember waking up and you were nowhere to be found,
Nowhere to hug but your things still laid all around.
You were at the cemetary apparently,
All I wanted to do was be there when I heard the church bells
Something in your eyes shouted "this whole thing is killing me" from the start, so I new id better stay on the sofa and try to silence my heart.
Ill remember as I watched you gather your things and hoped I wasnt...
Ill remember your stumbles and the tears that came to my eyes seeing the empty wine bottle in your hands.
Ill remember following you out as you exited my house swiftly as if running from the memories and as if afraid of ever telling me goodbye to my face ever again. My heart broke when you halfway pretended to not be leaving.
I guess that was around february 14th.

But tomorrow is may 26th.
Tomorrow I will wake up and the universe will greet me with billions of years worth of more beauty than my clumsy bloodshot cones and rods can decipher and ill smile at the clouds because that one looks like a little fluffy dog and that one looks like a windmill and that one is a flower....

Tomorrow ill realize none of the past 17 years holds near the amount of cosmic significance I give it credit for because the universe had that **** planned out like the normandy invasion and I just happened to be sitting on the wrong side of the atlantic wall.
The point is that we are more than me and you and him and her and a state and a species we are the universe and the universe is more than anything the gentle shocks in my cortex can fathom,
And that alone forces air into my lungs.

Somehow when she says "I love you" I picture her there,
Lying with the cosmos,
Pure bliss,
That same smile on her liqour lips

When she sings I get lost in a haze,
I feel the vibrations,
Hear her laughter in the sound waves,
I think if things are no different
Things would be no different.


Liquid love,
In one form or another,
Im pretty sure at this point shes a professional,
Shes got it down to a science precise down to the decimal,
Spite without a bite cant **** a toothless animal.

I think that somewhere in our past there is something tying us together, maybe you were my wife in the holocaust and as we were ripped apart one final time in front of the auchwitz gates I shouted "WEAR WHITE SHOES SO I KNOW ITS YOU",
Or maybe even better,
Maybe you were english royalty and I an irish farmer and every day id see you on my way to market and offer you a smile that you still remember.
Maybe when the atoms that make us up came together they couldnt all fit into one body, so they decided two bodies in different places with unique experiences that can come together to strengthen each other and help each other grow is the ideal use of their conundrum.
But maybe im just rambling....

It started off inocent enough,
As it always does;
You examined my hands,
"You have nice palms"
You said in that sweet singsong voice you use when you dont want to wake my mother,
Your head rested on my chest while we watched a rock documentary about Janis Joplin.
Eventually there were other sleepless nights spent rubbing thighs, elbows, lips, and every crevice of you I ever wanted to explore.
You never wanted to smoke but wanted me to,
I always felt bad but you never mind when my mouth tastes like ****,
I remember once my neck was buried in your neck, and your scent brought a beat to my brain and music to my mind and all I could think was "I want this forever"
For some reason though I think youll just do this for a while and get bored, maybe make some art about it, who knows you usually do, I just wish you meant it when you tell me you love me, for some reason I cant see it, you have everyone on your heels and now after all this time of telling me " just friends, this should be platonic" you just decide that im good enough to be the choice now?
How do you expect me to believe that you love me when you have always told me that love was fake anyway?

THE REASON WHY MOST OF MY ART IS ABOUT you IS BECAUSE THE ONLY INSPIRATION I DRAW COMES FROM your BOUNCY CURLS AND HAIR AS MESSY AS your THOUGHT PROCESS. you MAKE ME WARM WHERE IN MOST CASES IM PURPLE WITH COLD AND NUMB TO THE BONE. I MAKE ART ABOUT you BECAUSE I KNOW ONE DAY you WILL LEAVE ME. ALL I WILL HAVE IS THE ART THEN, IN ART youARE PERMANENT IN ART I CAN COME CLOSE TO FEELING THE MOMENTS WHERE you LOVED ME AGAIN. BUT MY POEMS ARE SAD BECAUSE I FEAR you NEVER loved ME AND POETRY IS MY ONLY FORM OF STABILITY.

She is those hard rimmed glasses,
She is those soft brown eyes,
She is the music In my head,
She is shrimp fried rice,
She is "all is fixed with love"
She is "baby be nice",
She is a flower in a glass of *****,
Her pedals serve as ice.


She is the spring clovers and clear skies,
Shes all my "I love you too"'s and "I wonder why"s
Shes flea market romance and eyes open wide,
She is frequent trips to waffle house late, late at night,



Some day shell leave me broken,
Shes not something I have hope in,
I just cannot lay to rest, the emotions shes awoken, an unintentional temptress shes tempts with subtle hints,  shell prolly never know I sat down and wrote her this.