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May 2014 · 4.2k
types of boys:
Monika May 2014
old scars, late night *****, bruises left by a drunken father, video games laid out on the desk, poems for the girl that left.
Monika May 2014
I've got to stop writing poems about you. my entire journal is filled with your name and I'm not entirely sure how I'm passing all my classes when all I ever do is daydream about your hands. i think I'm going insane because lately, it's gotten to the point where I am wishing I was the white cotton sheets that you carelessly sleep in. I have found myself making wishes to be the cigarettes you love to smoke so deeply; so I could be in between your lips and you would be addicted to me.
May 2014 · 299
Untitled
Monika May 2014
sometimes
you swear you can feel his breath
against the back of your neck
and it drives you insane.
sometimes,
you think you're done dreaming
about him but you see him there,
back against your headboard
and it starts back again.
you bury yourself in men
who have the same colored eyes as him
and you drink shot after shot
in hopes of forgetting his name.
we both know you will end up
forgetting your own first.
Monika May 2014
I miss you. I'm not really sure how to breathe anymore without you here to remind me. lately my hands have been too numb to do anything other than write about you. I feel pathetic, really, because I'm sure you're off with her now and you're not even thinking of me. I feel ridiculous because I can't get you out of my head. you're making memories with someone new and soon enough I'll just be another face blurred in your mind but I don't want you to go. the thought of losing you makes me want to throw up; maybe I'm in denial because everyone knows I have already lost you.
Monika May 2014
THIS MORNING I WOKE UP WITH A HEAVY WEIGHT ON MY CHEST AND A NUMBING FEELING IN MY HANDS AND THIS IS HOW I KNOW I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF YOU AGAIN. I CAN'T BREATHE KNOWING THAT YOU'VE FOUND SOMEONE NEW AND TRUTH IS I HAVEN'T STOPPED WONDERING IF HER EYES SHINE BRIGHTER THAN MINE EVER WILL AND I BET HER HANDS DON'T SHAKE WHEN SHE TOUCHES YOU AND IT ISN'T FAIR THAT SHE GETS TO MEMORIZE THE SMELL OF YOUR COLOGNE AND FEEL THE WARMTH OF YOUR BODY WHEN I'M TOO FAR AWAY TO EVEN REACH FOR YOUR HAND.
Monika May 2014
I'm trying to make it all feel okay again.
These days, even smiling feels like drowning.
The scars on my wrists are starting to fade
but it isn't any easier to burn the memories from my brain.
My therapist says I need to start laughing again,
but the only thing that doesn't make me want to cry
is the way the leaves curl and some days
I can't even feel the warmth of the sun hit my skin.
My body doesn't really feel like home anymore.
My mom keeps asking why I've been skipping so many meals
she says I must be crazy to think that she doesn't notice
and maybe she's right. It's getting bad again.
My chest aches and my hands have gone numb.
I keep telling myself to be strong,
that I've gone five months without hurting myself
and I don't want to look in the mirror
because all I see is a dead girl walking.
I don't want to go outside because it reminds me that
the trees are happier than I ever will be.
I want to be weightless, I want to float away.
Let me go up there. I want to swim with the stars.
May 2014 · 3.0k
15 texts I almost sent you
Monika May 2014
I'm sorry for being so quiet the first time we met. Truth is that in my head, I couldn't stop writing poems about your eyes.
[delete]
2. I still dream about your hands.
[delete]
3. I can't stop playing with matches now. I remember how much you loved fire.
[delete]
4. I can still taste you on my lips.
[delete]
5. How could you walk away so easily? You can't tell me it wasn't real. [delete]
6. I love you....do you understand?
[delete]
7. There's a guy in my English class with the same colored eyes as you.
[delete]
8. I've tried loving anyone with your accent. None of them say my name the way you do.
[delete]
9. I can't sleep anymore. I keep waiting for you to wish me goodnight.
[delete]
10. I miss you.
[delete]
11. The moon is full and beautiful tonight and I can't stop thinking of you.
[delete]
12. Will you come count the stars with me?
[delete]
13. Remember when you complimented my poems? I wonder if you knew that they were all about you.
[delete]
14. Are you thinking of me, too?
[delete]
15. You always said you were addicted to me. Tell me, are you going through withdrawals?
[delete]
May 2014 · 1.1k
apology letter
Monika May 2014
my entire life is an endless cycle of apologies. i'm sorry for loving someone who i will never have a chance with. i'm sorry for being so ******* sad. i'm sorry for getting into these moods where everything anyone says makes me want to burst into tears and i'm sorry i'm such a ****** friend. i'm sorry that the reason i distance myself from people is because i genuinely believe they will be better off without me. i apologize for being such a burden. i'm sorry for all the sadness that everyone around me has to deal with because i can't seem to control it. i'm sorry for never knowing what i want and i'm sorry for hurting everyone that comes into my life. i'm sorry that at the end of the day, i feel even more worthless than i did when i woke up. i'm sorry that some days, i can't even seem to get out of bed. i'm sorry for not being able to put words together. i'm sorry that the reason i write so much is because i have so many things to say, they just never seem to leave my mouth. i'm sorry for letting him walk away. i'm sorry for giving up on myself. i'm sorry for never believing that i could be happy. i'm sorry for letting everyone down. i'm sorry for never listening to anyone. i'm sorry for always crying. i'm sorry for being so pathetic. i'm sorry for being the source of my own sadness.
Monika May 2014
I'm sorry for missing you.
I'm sorry for loving you
and I'm sorry for only ever
writing about your eyes.
I'm sorry for being
such a ****** person.
I'm sorry for giving up on writing
after you left
because I didn't really know
how to feel much of anything
except for the pain of the bruises
your fingertips left
on my hips.
May 2014 · 869
Untitled
Monika May 2014
IT TOOK ME SIXTEEN YEARS TO REALIZE THAT I DON'T NEED A BOY TO MAKE ME HAPPY FOR SO LONG I WAS CONVINCED THAT A PERFECT SOMEONE WOULD COME ALONG AND TELL ME I WAS STILL BEAUTIFUL DESPITE THE SCARS ON MY WRISTS BUT I NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO SEE THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO NEEDS TO REMIND ME THAT IS ME I AM SO SICK OF BROKEN PROMISES FROM PRETTY BOYS WITH BLUE EYES AND BURNING LIPS THAT ARE ONLY EVER GOOD FOR KISSING SOME OTHER GIRL'S HIPS AND I'M TIRED OF CRYING BECAUSE MY BODY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM I'M SO ******* SICK OF HATING THE PERSON I SEE IN THE MIRROR TODAY IS THE DAY I LOVE MYSELF FLAWS AND ALL TODAY IS THE DAY I SAY ******* TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER MADE ME FEEL LESS THAN ENOUGH BECAUSE I DON'T NEED A BOY WHEN I ALREADY HAVE MYSELF
May 2014 · 657
you are it for me
Monika May 2014
I wish I could say
it's not you anymore but
truth is I still miss you like hell
and I can't stop the way your name
rolls off of my tongue so perfectly
and familiarly because
you are all that I know
you are the smell of home
when I am lost and all alone
and it will always be you
*it will always be you
Monika Apr 2014
I won't write about how many constellations I could form with your freckles or how there are an endless collection of galaxies hidden underneath your eyelids. you see, I fell in love with the way you drank your coffee and the way you would always wake up at 4 am just so you could watch the sun come up because you always found him so ******* beautiful; I still wish you had thought of me that way. I'm still trying to get over your laughter and the way your eyes shined so brightly I was convinced I would someday go blind. it's nearly been five months but you somehow always find your way into my poems no matter how they start out. this is my way of saying I miss you. I am not angry anymore, I simply wish I would stop writing so many poems about you because they won't ever bring you back. I stay up all night thinking of you. I don't even know where you are in this world but I do know I can't reach you. it seems the stars were not aligned in our favor. maybe we were not meant to be but I can't get myself to admit that because it hurts too much. I can't wash you out of my hair and I am not sure I want to.
Apr 2014 · 371
WAR
Monika Apr 2014
WAR
FIGHTING FOR MYSELF IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO I SWEAR THE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS IS BLUE AND HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME WHEN I CAN'T LOVE ME NO ONE WANTS A GIRL WITH SCARS NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A SOLDIER TO GO TO WAR THERE ARE PLENTY OF BATTLEFIELDS INSIDE MY OWN HEAD SOME DAYS I CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF BED LET ALONE LEAVE THE HOUSE THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY BLOODSTAINS ON MY BLOUSE
Monika Apr 2014
They tell me you're a monster.
They tell me you are
no good for me
and all you'll ever do is add fuel
to the fire that is burning inside of me
but you tell me that fire
is what you love about me.
You tell me it is what keeps me alive
and without it I'd be cold
and I would never
be able to keep you warm.
I tell you I will never leave you.
I will never leave you.
I will put you back together
no matter how many pieces are left
on the floor.
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
nothing lasts forever
Monika Mar 2014
Time flies.
Before you know it,
you're not six,
but sixteen
and you can't even remember
what you were feeling
when you rode a bike for the first time.
You can't remember what you felt
when you first accomplished something–something big.
You can't wrap your mind around the fact that you're two years away from
being considered an adult
because you sure don't feel like one.
In fact,
you find it amusing
because you're not even responsible
enough to know what to wear in the mornings.
It's crazy to think that we are just kids
who swear we know the future.
We think our words will take us halfway around the world
but most of us won't even leave this town
and that girl who dreams of the city
will never see New York.
When we were younger,
we thought being teenagers
would be heaven.
We dreamt of makeup
and parties
and sneaking out to kiss the cute boy
across the street
but nobody ever bothered to tell us that
there would be days when we no longer want to live or, rather, days where we
feel so numb we'll do anything to feel something because truth is,
we feel kind of dead inside
and all we want is to feel alive.
and so we swallow pills
and we cut open our skin
in hopes of getting rid of the monsters
inside our heads that follow us every day,
even though everyone told us
they'd be stuck under our beds.
it seems like just yesterday
you were playing with dolls
and now you're writing poems about a boy who won't ever see you
the way you see him.
It's hard for any of us to realize that
in a year we won't remember
this very moment
and you won't remember how fast
your heart beat when he held your hand
for the first time
because in reality,
feelings don't last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.
Monika Feb 2014
I had always been
the one pushing everyone away.
I had always been too scared
of my own feelings to ever truly
give into them.
I had always been the coward
but somehow with him,
I was the brave one.
I was willing to put
my fears aside for him
and I managed to ignore
all the loud voices in my head
until eventually they became quiet enough
to go unnoticed.
He was always picking his cigarettes
over me and I often wondered how
he could choose letting his lungs deteriorate
over someone who loved him
as much as I did.
He would yell at me when I asked him to quit
and when I got upset,
he'd hold me in his arms
and say that I would leave him eventually
but they never would.
He never truly saw just how much
I loved him.
He was so convinced
that I was too good for him,
that he was the darkness and I was the light.
"Baby," I'd tell him,
"I know that you believe your heart
is made of coal
but I have seen the truest parts of you
and I need you to know that there are
constellations hidden inside of you,
you've just gotta let those stars shine."
Some nights, he'd kiss my neck
and hold my hips so tightly
he'd leave bruises
but he always stopped himself mid-kiss
to tell me we could never work.
He said this so often
I eventually started to believe him.
Jan 2014 · 1.2k
Soap bottles
Monika Jan 2014
I thought being without you
would be a lot easier than this.
I never, for a second, thought
that it would be this ******* hard.
There are some easy days
where I can throw my head back
and laugh and I won't even think
of you for a couple of hours.
On nights like this I wake up
with your name on my tongue
and I can feel your lips
on every part of my body.
I swear I've tried so hard
to scrub them off of me
but I'm afraid there aren't
enough soap bottles to erase
the memory of you.
Jan 2014 · 357
Weather Change
Monika Jan 2014
I started writing about you in the summer,
when the sun was too bright
and my hands were always sweaty.
My skin burned so hot, I'm still trying to
figure out how your fingers didn't melt
right off of me. It's winter now,
I can see my breath when I go outside
and my toes are cold enough that
I can no longer feel them.
The weather has changed and you're no
longer here. Not physically, at least.
You still somehow find your way into my
head and maybe the words I keep writing
aren't really helping me get rid of you.
Jan 2014 · 585
Love, love, love.
Monika Jan 2014
You will find love.
She will come unexpectedly,
you won't see her coming.
She will have hair as soft as sand
and eyes so bright you will swear
you'll be able to survive without the sun
so long as she is looking at you.
She will be the first girl to ever reject you.
Mainly because she will be too caught up
inside fictional characters and loud music.
You will find her with her head in a book,
a coffee cup in her hand and the widest
smile you'll ever see.

You will make her fall for you,
and you'll constantly have this feeling
in your chest that will let you know
you have everything you need.
Your heart will be beating so fast
and so hard you will feel it
almost bursting from your ribcage.

You will fall in love with her laugh
and the way she always seems to stain
your shirts with coffee
when she wears them.
They always will look better on her.
It will feel like a dream. You will constantly
worry that she will find someone better,
someone who likes the same bands
and books as her.

When she does, you will burry yourself
in women who have the same color eyes
as her. You will drink shot after shot
in hopes of forgetting her name –
we both know you will end up
forgetting your own first.
Jan 2014 · 439
Addiction
Monika Jan 2014
his smile was so ******* blinding
i'm sure those eyes could see past the
fake smile and look straight into the soul
and every time i touched his face
i was left with bloodstains on my clothes
it wasn't even love anymore
but instead an addiction i wanted it to hurt
i wanted to come out puffing and panting
this isn't fair it causes so much pain
but i wouldn't have it any other way
Aug 2013 · 311
Untitled
Monika Aug 2013
What am I supposed
To do with these
Empty sheets and
Worn out dreams?
Jul 2013 · 861
blue blood and pastel veins
Monika Jul 2013
could it be
that the blood
running through
my veins is blue?
because i am not
like them i am
different
i'm in pain
Jul 2013 · 1.3k
The Devil
Monika Jul 2013
they say that the devil
is beautiful but so very
evil and i always
wondered how
something that looks
so pure could have
such a contaminated
soul
but i looked into your
eyes and dug my way
into your mind and i
realized that perhaps
the most precious
things have the
power to destroy
anything
Jul 2013 · 575
i can never get rid of you
Monika Jul 2013
bottles of pills shoved
down my throat could
never erase the memories
i have of you

the scars on my wrists
are just another reminder
of the times i tried to get
rid of the sound of your
laughter

i wish i could say there
was no more
but everything reminds
me of you

i burned every last letter
you wrote me
thinking it would be the
end of us

but your smell still lingers
on my white sheets no matter
how hard i try to wash it out

turns out i can never
get rid of you

— The End —