little bumps
occasional texts
inside jokes
subtle sparks
tiny smiles
sudden kisses

and then

nothing

why do i hope when all i know is disappointment
why do i live when all i feel is loss
why do i love when all i see is failure
why do i dream when all i sense is deterioration

what i find beautiful were the breathed conversations we shared between the kisses we shared and this whole situation is reaching into my cavities and contorting my heart into places of infinite joy and infinite sorrow and infinite apologies maybe you will never feel the same way but i do and god the way you hold me will be imprinted on my skin on my flesh on my left ventricle forever because **** i miss you and **** i miss your companionship but i cannot ask for you back and now all i have are three perfect weeks of a simulation of how it could be like and how we could have driven each other crazy with our thoughts and our love but i guess it is always like this right the most beautiful things are the ones that exist in your head and never manifest into reality because reality is messed up and this is why all of this is an absolute beautiful mess.

it was anything but that for us to be holding hands along the river
it was anything but that before we could sing with abandon to our favourites
it was anything but that but now
now this love is easy, my smiles are easy
and happiness is easy.

If people were rain,
I was drizzle,
and she was a hurricane."

Maybe I am one, a hurricane.
Inside I crave the peace and serenity
Granted to mid-morning drizzles
Falling gently on side walks,
But I cannot calm my dark,
Repetitive, abrasive thoughts enough
To bring in and accept my
Yearning for some quiet.

I can never stay anywhere,
With anyone,
For too long.

"I need to go. I need to get out of here."*

But, with you,
I forget time.
I feel open and vulnerable.
I just want to stop it all,
And just be happy.

Is that alright?

And the sadness gradually grew
A vast ocean stretching endlessly
I then hated myself for I hated my sightless eyes, my paralyzed limbs,
And my inability to be brave enough.

You remind me of blues
Wading through infinite navy depths of your soul
Your bright laughter brings cyan to mind
The perfect azure of your comfort

You remind me of greys
The almost lilac of your tenderness
Your steely perseverance slicing my indifference
Silverware sparkling like your smile

You remind me of blues and greys
Constantly shifting tones and intensities
That colour me helpless and awash in your love

I guess I’m always going to have to 
Pretend that my heart doesn’t sing
Every time it sees you and
Registers your eyes, your smile, your dimples
I’ll numb all of that heart-thumping joy
And pretend again that you’re just a friend.
Just a little more than a friend. 

I guess I’m always going to dismiss your sweet words
And just force myself look the other way, the “right" way,
Away from your eyes, your smile, your dimples
But I’m always going to put one hand behind my back
Just in case one day, you’d hold it and then
You’d hold me and somehow, just somehow,
We’d be imperfectly perfect together.

i want to be
your 6pm
dinner date
and then
your 6am
hushed kisses

i want to be both

we could go round the clock

those crinkles in your eyes
when you smile
or laugh uncontrollably

that knowing look
when you turn to check
to see if i'm having fun

these times when it's just us
and i love it
but i don't know what you think

this little bubble between us
of almost closeness
that i wish i could burst

because these streets don't hold anything but you
because bits of you exist in the nuances of my language
because I wonder for what reason are you in my life
because your eyes are the brightest light in my sky
because you're my angel though I reject religion
because every simple walk feels like an adventure
because time doesn't mean anything
because opening up to you didn't feel scary
because every night I pray that you stay
because I love you even though I thought there was nothing left in this heart to love to need to want to live for
because I do, I do always

i will remember you

(i)
in your onitsuka shoes you were wearing when we reunited at taipei main station after three weeks of silence

(ii)  
in your old hoodie walking back toward me resiliently in the rain to give me an eskimo kiss after i repeatedly told you to leave

(iii)
in your skin that you slept in till dawn while beside you i wept from sheer fear of losing you

(iv)
in your spontaneity leaning into me leaning into you while we sang our thoughts to the waves crashing below us

(v)
in your unbridled passion when you kissed me for the very first time in the dark

*i will remember you

today
i
let
you
in
again

someone will come along
or maybe you'll come by again

They defined potential energy as the kind possessed by a body by virtue of its position relative to others.

So if we took the gravity of our attraction, multiplied by with how far we fell and how much we mattered in each other's heart, could we then calculate the capacity of our possible future?

Should that be the case, then could I pick up samples of your burnt cigarette cities for examination while walking down the straight aisles of your rational mind?

Or would you like to participate in a scavenger hunt for my shards of emotion last seen in the bittersweet galleries full of old sculptures that hang from my every limb?

Could your aisles lead to my galleries? Would you lead me in a waltz to lift my weighted being? Should I pick apart the ashes to find the lingering thoughts you've burnt?

Hypothesis? We will never be the same. But I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

some nights i feel like tears
that never come into being due to
dehydration from too much alcohol and
frustration from too much caring

some days i feel like takeout food
long finished and left out on a messy table
neglected by something more important and
devoured by something that only looks like hunger

but still i trudge on

between your fingers
i entwin my own

between your heartstrings
i weave my affection

between your breaths
i lay my kisses

between your visions
i give my promises

been there on both sides of the coin but what can i do
(i had plans that flew a continent away)
but stare blankly helplessly unknowingly at my palms
(an empty void that love used to fill)
and witness their light trembles and deep sprawling lines
(knowing i could never be as good as the standards i establish)
phantom tears leaking from the corners of my eyes
(years of battle have fractured this heart numb)
this body is incapable of promises and pretence
(if you were in my head you'd probably run)
just holding a part-time job checking into reality
(i spend too much time wondering)
denying an early end and praying for less permanent way out

i should stop thinking about you
about how you might feel
might have felt might be feeling

i should stop pondering significances
of your sudden closeness
and that final parting gesture

i should i should i should

is it wrong that i seek
validation of your love
through your arms
around me
holding me
keeping me
together
while anxiety rattles
my body into tiny
insignificant pieces
till i fall asleep?

it is wrong
yes it is
i know that
but i'm merely bringing it up
because i miss you

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

the cloud is back and i don't know what to do

I feel like I could love you
A thousand times over
And still not deserve the way
You look at me