Sunday sun-dazed steamy sweet haze
of our warm breath coats the icy
window panes the sky shines bluer
than our fingers in the snow so
sleep on dreamer while we wait for
summer days to breathe again

sometimes when you fade into the
background of my thoughts (we all know that's not
often) I open my eyes and see the
city street again instead of your running
feet flashing down that hall  wrapped in gray
and the stars dim above our ceiling made
of streetlight beams and car exhaust,
twinkling so madly
desperate to be seen.

Quips and quibbles of
A teenage heart
Drip drop dribbling
Through my chest as
Teardrops made of rain and
The screech of tires
And flashing city lights
Pour through my veins
Running writhing wriggling
From soul to stomach
Twisting turning
My mind is
Sick with
The feeling of
Nothing

Because
My heart is
Iron and ice and ire
Steel bars separate
Emotion from
The streets that lead to
Freedom and expression
Release
And Happiness rots
Alongside Rage
Molding and mildewed
In the deepening darkness
Where Rational and Reason
Locked them up
Long ago

But I?
I have no reason
To feel this way
My love-sick stomach is
Always fed
And university walls
Surround
My head is
Bewildered,
Brilliant headlight-beams
Blinding my
Aching eyes as
I stumble home
Twelve hours of
Class and work weigh
Heavy on my
Mind is hung-up
On him
Again

Still mostly
My life is
Fire and whiskey
And friends
That burn off the
Chill
And soften the scars
Except on these
Winter nights when
Alone in my room
Blood pounds cold
Through shrieking veins
White-water-whipping
Whirling and
Storming through my
Soul and I
Know

I am nineteen years old
But my teenage heart
Isn’t so hopeful
Or naïve
Anymore

My sky is blue
Broken-china-blue
Today

Not as yours or his or anyone’s
Not robin’s egg happy-hue
Or hopeful cornflower-color
Not rolling-ocean-peace
No endless expanse
Over a world full of possibility

But my sky is blue
Crying-eye- blue
Today

I don’t remember
The exact color of the car
That took you away
But in my mind’s eye
It should be this blue
My blue

Because my sky was blue
Teardrop-truth-blue
That day

Such a contrived color,
Overused metaphor:
Sad-blue, dead-blue
Burning-blue-gray like my hate
For all the words
We’ll never share
For desperation
For lost beginnings
Estranged from happy endings
And foregone conclusions
And decisions made
By a woman whose pasty face
Is still burned as

A blue-print in my mind
Of the person I
Never want to become

The woman who
Unknowingly
Painted my world
In red-fury and
Burnt-orange-bitter goodbyes
Thoughtless paintbrush
Strokes making sure

That my sky was blue
Crisp-autumn-cloudless blue
That day

When you and I
Were both too young
For understanding
Just
Children caught up
In the real world
For the first time

Yes, my sky is blue
Snapdragon-fire-blue
Today

When seven years later
I think I’m
Still not old enough
To comprehend

Why my sky is blue
Bittersweet-baby-blue
Today

Because they
Took you away
Because you’ll never
Know my name

Even though I’ll
Remember yours
For the rest of my life

Baby, don’t you love the way the storm clouds grin?
When the dark rolls in with the ocean night?
And our Mama built those sandcastles that we lived in
Every summer ‘til they washed out with the tide

Oh baby, don’t you love the way the red leaves fall?
All along the streets in those quiet towns
And they spiral down the same no matter where you are
Whipping wild in the wind onto the ground

Dear baby, did they tell you that when you were small
The place that you live now wasn’t where you called home?
Did they tell you ‘bout our Mama and the quiet hall
Where she cried after they left her all alone?

Oh babe, I hope they found a place for you somewhere
In a cottage or a castle on a hill
I hope there’s princesses and pages and a china set
And a little dress with lace and beads and frills

But baby, if you come out in the world someday
Full of so much good and still so much sin
Baby, look up as the dark rolls in with ocean tides
And we can both laugh while the storm clouds grin

they tell me all good poetry begins
with something grotesque and huge
and Unknowable and all I know is it
doesn’t  
will never
begin
with your name
filling my head
swirling round  

between you
and the future
and the Lonely places
where souls go when
they can’t hear their thoughts anymore
and the idea that
maybe I can’t matter to anyone
because
I never Mattered to you

except as far as
two hours of
“don’t be scared”
and
“it’s okay”
and
“you’re beautiful”
can go and
I was confused
because

for a fleeting
second
I felt
honestly
truthfully
Beautiful

but if
that's what it
took
to feel
to be this
Beautiful
to you

then maybe I never wanted
want to be
beautiful
after all

first a date, then a kiss
love songs are made of this
you’ll say I’m beautiful
I’ll love your smile

you’ll promise crazy things
I’ll dream of diamond rings
we can be innocent
just for a while

If Taylor Swift knew
You were
Trouble
Then
How could I
Not?

Too scared to write
Because
Someone
Blew up bodies
Today
And no one
Understands

clear blue skies
no rain today
just breeze and
beams of sun on
window panes
are broken but
no one quite
remembers
how or why
they got that way

janet
thinks
they should
be fixed

I don’t

because
sometimes
things are
broken
for a reason

and
no one
really
looks
through
anyway

My heart is a pile of
Broken glass
Jagged twisted edges
Writhing pricking stabbing
At shattered-ice
Images actions words thoughts
Reflected in the green
Shards of bottle-heart
That slid out of your
Sweat-slippery hands
And now my tiny mountain
Of glass-needle-knives is
Coated in the substance
It used to contain:
Sticky sweet liquid life
Of the party
Pounds through my veins
And now soaks into the floor
Dripping from sharp-shard broken-bits
Warm beer sinking
Into the carpet where
You dropped my heart
And didn’t notice
The mess
You left behind

I prop myself up
On fun-sized candy bars
And *****….
(Well maybe not *****
Anymore
Since we both saw
What happened that night)
But I spend my
Days
Dreaming of
Your arms and
How it felt to
Be wanted

Because

I jumped headfirst
Off the diving board
Again
But this time
Instead of the sharp slap
Of angry water
I fell in slow motion
And had a chance
To see your eyes
And the smile of
Your sun-dried concrete
Before you
Broke my neck

So

I’ll revel in the
Silvery cellophane
Glint
Of discarded wrappers
And cheap plastic promises
And the slow drip
Of love
Running from my
Rusty-spout eyes and
I will dance inside
The hollow echo
Of words you said
But never meant

I'd rather run
13.1 miles in
two hours
filled with
sweat and tears

than be your
kind of

Beautiful
again,

my dear.

Drip
                            Drop

         It’s

R
     a      
        i    
          n                 i
             i               n
               n          
                  g         m        
                              y

                head

glittery             b   i   t   s     of

                MEMORY

and
                        
                  e  v  e  r  y  t  h  i  n  g

               I

wanted               to

      
           F  o      r           g              e                    t ...

My eyes are screaming
From all this
Tension my
Hands are too cold
For holding
Onto nothing but
Empty words and
Threat of
Sorrow…
Storm clouds moving in
There’s a fifty percent
Chance of
Insincerity today
You can see warm fronts
Moving in
Again from the east
Colliding with
Denial
And I said I wouldn’t
Write about
You
Anymore but this
Anger has nowhere
Else to go
So zip up your
Raincoat
Slip into your boots
And we’ll splash
In the puddles and
Hide our tears
In raindrops and
Laugh even as we
Drown

You asked me, drunk, if you could
be my first sober first-kiss.
Which was funny, because we
were already kissing,
and both drunker than I’ve been
since him, since forever.
But you asked anyways.

Maybe you forgot
about that part
of our *****-soaked
weekend.

But if all I can be
is your mistake,
then I
hope at least
I was your
favorite
one.

you come so easy to
me
like Taylor Swift songs and

breathing

and smiles
and the silence at
the end of
my thoughts
never felt so
full
without you

breathing

in and out
and on my neck

she says "I'm hungry"
and we ladle out a bowl
of soup precisely two ladles
no more no less
lurching over the counter
to reach her hands and
after a quick scowl she
walks
                   away
and you scoff but we know
she's hungry for
more
than day old chicken broth and
wrinkled carrots and
empty promises

anyone can see
her eyes are
hungry
for change

Looking back I
Think I cried
Harder

Falling in love

With you than I

Ever could
Ever will

*Falling out

You found
My heart
Beats faster
Beneath the weight
Of your body
On mine
Is all that
Keeps me
From flying
Away

Blood pulses
Through my
Veins beneath
Your skin
Soft
In
My mouth
Makes sounds
I’ve never
Heard before

Held breath
Anticipation
Curls in
My stomach
Can feel you
Pushing against
Me
Trying to
Push us
Together

“It’s okay”
Your lips
Are warm
Despite their lies
Because
You know
Tomorrow
We’ll still
Be falling
Apart

Flutter flatter flit flip flap
Clap chat chapped lips
Leaking secrets
Speaking softly
As the world whirls by
And faded faces blur together
On panes of plate-glass windows
Strolling silent streets and
Dreaming of anywhere but here

Pitter patter pretend
We’re on the
Tip top of everything
Taping together
Our own reality
Far removed from truths that
Could tear it tear us apart

Flash frame freeze forget
Flit flap free-bird fly away

Fast fly far from
Tick-tock towers
Click-clack-clocked lives
Empires encircling
Pretty-please prepackaged people
Dipper dapper dressed-up doves
With withered windless wings
Locked-up longing lost
And just
Looking for anywhere but here

And their

Haunted hollow heartbeats
Wind between our whispered words
Weaving these tangled tapestries
Tying together all the
Maybes memories melodies
That we carry
All the struggles and scars and
Shatter-glass shiny bits of
Hope-light heart-love

That we call a human soul

Pick-a me up           highest you can
                       to the                    
        
My soul is a              bird  
And you are the

Breeze              wings that learn to
             beneath

Fly again faster farther than ever before

Our world is a watercolor     dream
Where we can dance
and talk and
                        No one cares if we sleep
                        for a day or three

And gentle hands are all we
Need to feel alive and whole again

But “we” and “our” are silly words
Because You and I are not             un  bro  ken

You left her your meant-to-be’s
Just like I left him my empty-promises

                                fly
And it’s hard to                   to  ge  ther  
When we’re both still afraid
                                          to crash and burn
                                                            ­          again

“Sorry”….
Such a pitiful
Word sounds so
Pathetic, why
Yes
I am
Alone
Every night
And always when
I turn around
Slow dancing in
A pool of memories
Wells up
Inside a soul
‘The heart of everything’
A song we used to sing
Along together
And now we sing alone
Apart; asunder
Still I’m so
Sorry
…
I could never be
What you wanted
…
Forgive me

I asked you to
                                       Look at me
But now
                                       I’m afraid
I think it’s better
                                       For us

                         If you go

Fall away into
Empty dreams of
Watercolors
Are lapping
At shores of
Could-have beens
Fall away from
Reality
This world turns
Slow beneath
My feet are
Dangling
Thrashing
Six feet off
The ground
My
Fingers grasping
At my
Throat
Fighting
These ropes of
Memory
Consumes
My mind
Is drowning
In you
Are
Suffocating me
With
All the love for you
I can't erase
While
I'm still
Here
Hanging from
Your last
Goodbye

Trickle down
Turn around
Sweaty hands hide
Inside deep pockets
Curled around a wisp of hope
Soft heart beats
Plodding feet
Eyes may stare down
But this winter breeze
Carries a soul adrift
In a dreaming world
Sleeping world
Beneath the wildest imagining
Whirling
Twirling
A mindless dance
A baseless plea
…
I will never be anything
More than just me
It’s true:
Afraid to ask
If that could ever
Be enough for you

I can be whatever you'd like,
Just tell me who it is that you want to be "me,"
Give me a face, paint me a mask,
Select my personality…

And for today, that's who I'll be.

I am not allowed to care.

Because when I start caring, you start caring,
Hearts flowing, blood beating,
something rises
From the farthest reaches of my stomach,
Crawling up to weave its way into my voice,
Eyes, ears, mouth, coloring words,
Staining thoughts with an endless:
“Well that was stupid.... What do I do now?”
Because if I care, we’re through.

Through.

No more stupid texts about what wine we’re drinking,
Or times to meet, or places to see, hands to hold,
Sideways looks, or ridiculously awkward moments
When you laugh at me but

I'm smiling

Because that laugh means that at least
You’re
noticing me.

No more caresses, no more heat racing through
Veins that reshape to accommodate
The increase of feeling,
The sensation of you;
No more arms from behind
At 3am the first night I slept over
No more whisper, no more “Hey,
I’m right here. See? You aren’t alone.”
No. Not allowed. There is no ‘us.’
Not in words, not to talk about;

“I don’t want a relationship.”
Read between the lines, little girl,

“I don’t see myself in a relationship [with you].”
So many lies masked by smiles
And staged little chuckles

“Well, neither do I. So can’t we just do this?”
It’s too late.

I am not allowed to care.
But I do. And now the first lie
Is told, attached, stuck, leading out into the framework
Of a web already begun,
A sticky spider’s trap spun a thousand times before.

No.

I do not care. This means nothing.
Nothing at all.

And the only reason I'm
saying that, screaming that,
turning these words over and over in my head...

Is because I’ve already fallen.

Tumble-down words
Tangled around
Delusions
Tell me:

How many lies would
You tell me?
It all seems so **** easy…
How many times would
You tell me,

Those words you
Know I want to hear?
Those words that
Made it seem like we were
More
Than just a pair of
Bodies pressed together
By our own lack of self control;
No.

No more.

No lines, no rules, no trust
And I swallowed every word
No protest, so absurd
They seem now
Wrapped up in smiles
Disguising the fact that
You...

You got what you
Came for…

Didn’t you?

are you afraid to fall like
I am
I do
I see in electric
and stars spinning
inside the quietest black
that you
can't see
can't imagine
them inside
this light-infested
smoke-fluorescent sky
so come with me outside our maze
of Jenga blocks and chipping paint and tar
outside where
concrete crumbles
crickets chirp
and only airplanes come our way
roaring overhead
like lions without teeth
not
falling
flying
away home
with nothing but
white tails in their wake
wispy whiskers
leading back to
Boston beans and harborside
where we let the water lick our toes
(they told us not to but we didn't listen)
and thought
about falling
and living
and seeing stars
for the first time
since the end

dear
Little Thing
nestled between
two hearts
mine and his
Little Leech
latched on tight in
a valiant effort to exist

a white stick told me
You weren’t here
but Dearest
I can’t help but wonder
after three more weeks
if I’ve been lied to
again

dear Little Thing
I don’t believe
in bibles or gods
of any sort
but
I pray every night
because

I hope You aren’t here
hope the thought of You
is nothing but
the thought of an
imaginary fear
hope that You’re still caught
somewhere between
the sharp smell
of this winter air
and lullaby
and the desperate fantasy
of a happy pair
who dreams of Your coming
and awaits You with delight
and open arms

dear Little Thing,
if You can hear me…
my arms are strong
but not enough for
both of us
__

dearest Little Thing,
if You exist
somewhere cocooned
between heartbeats
and ribcage bones
and the magnetism pulling
two bodies together
please
Dearest
please know
I love You more
than anything else
already but

I love You enough to know
I cannot give you what you need

I love You enough to know
You’re better off anywhere but here

please
dear
Little Thing,
please find some way
to disappear

and reemerge
inside someone who could
want You
more than me

I
Me, girl
…or woman?
Just me alone
Drifting through life and
This world
Such a haze of stained-glass
Broken-windowed souls
All desperately dreaming of

Love
Desire
Want, need, crave
Daydream, Fantasy
Of things that will be
Or won’t
Fairy tales with clipped wings
Dance behind closed eyes
Just desperately dreaming of

You
Yes, the
Green-eyed boy
With no belief
In magic or fate
Or truth
If you let your pain
Go, maybe you’d see
That I am dying to know:

Do you love me, too?

A little boy
With countless toys
And quiet eyes
All filled with green
A little girl
With pinned-up curls
And mama’s lipstick
On her teeth

We grew up slow
You told me though
How you were raised
You grew so tall
And yet tonight
We cry we fight
We aren’t so grown
Up after all

We play with hearts
And broken parts
We like to think
We know this game
From passing *****
And notes in halls
And playground rules…
Aren’t they the same?

You tell me how
We’re adults now
Not boy but man
Prepared for all
But do you see?
Just look at me…
Look in the mirror
We’re still small

You’re still the boy
With countless toys
Though now they’re live
With hearts that beat
I’m still the girl
With pinned-up curls
And mama’s lipstick
On her teeth

Cold cut-and-dry your logic’s never soaked in
Emotion like mine is it? I know the
Pieces are right where you want them not in
The right places but the picture is what
You wanted to see all along I think

Do you ever lie awake like I do?
I wonder if I ever happen to
Cross the icy tundra of your changing
Mind? My thoughts dance like mercury falling
In drops and splintering leaping ever
Dancing in circles around all of the
Memories all of the time that I can’t
Seem to forget no matter how hard I
Try these quicksilver needles keep stabbing.

Yours words are forever tearing at me
Until what’s left of all that I wanted
Is a tattered picture of happiness
I must have imagined because the you
I knew wouldn’t ever do this to me

But we’re moving on now, you with your closed
Heart and your calculus and cold logic
And me with my dancing thoughts and heartbreak

You always laughed and said you didn’t think
I’d understand when you talked about your
Chemicals and elements and theories
But I think I understood better than
You thought so let me lay this out for you
In words you know and can’t twist or deny:

You are iron, cold-forged, solid, stubborn,
And maybe I’m not the only one who
Doesn’t understand exactly why this
Didn’t work out, who doesn’t see clearly

I fly off the handle I know but I
Come back in an instant coalescing
Recombining, still familiar yet strange

You are nickel, titanium-plated,
Security stability stone-calm

But I am
Mercurial

It starts
In the pit of my stomach

Roiling raging roaring

Noxious
Overtaking thought-stragglers
Forgotten words
And half-remembered smiles
That stumbled too slowly
Down the road to Rational
And It swallowed them whole
Before slithering forward
Searching for prey

It feeds
In the depths of my conscious

Eclipsing encircling engorging

Bittersweet
Splish-splash-splattering
Viscous globules of poison
And turning the knobs beneath
My television-eyes
Until everything around her
Is of the deepest green

It beats
A pulse beneath every word I speak

Replaying recreating reminding

Me
Of every word and move
She makes
Her hands on his shoulder
Her voice in his ear

It paints
Her

In shades of
Emerald-forest-field
Until her skin
Matches It

And to me
She is the color of the
Lime-green curtains
In our window and
I cannot see her
Through the verdant haze
Or speak because
My voice gives me away
Every time

As

It consumes
My thoughts

Instigating infuriating

Little red ant
Crawls over my heart
Hiding from
Rationality
In a cloud of olive-dust

Little blood-spark

Sticking stabbing stinging

My bitten tongue

Longs to be set free
From Rational
Longs to be controlled
By It
Longs to ask her
Why exactly she’s

Playing performing pretending

Not to know
When she should
That he’s

Not hers...


He’s mine.

Life flows fast and deep beneath these streets
Through sewer pipes and broken thoughts
Of women faking smiles on the train these
Traffic lights changing sirens wailing
All neon letters and lit cigarettes
Light up the sky and
Tonight is for fairy tales and
Raindrops and ***** and dreams
That never come true

It’s a rough world, tough girls fight
Just to hang on to nothing
Nail scratching, teeth gnashing,
Struggling for spoons of soup
And a place to call home
And all the time asking
Who’s to blame because
Someone took all these people and
Shone them through a prism but
Instead of rainbows and sun they
Got all separated out into
Rich and poor and mine and yours
And careful who you mix together
Because everyone knows that
Orange and green don’t match

And somehow fate gave me the ladle
And you the bowl and why it’s not
The other way around ma’am,
I really can’t say because the
People I see here are more real than
All the money and silk and china in the world
More alive than I could ever hope to be
And all I can offer you is soup
Even though we both know it’s
Never enough

I tried to move the ocean
One puddle at a time
But my bucket was
Full of holes
And now the sand is too wet
For castles

laid out so neatly
an artist’s palette
colors
a puddle under a tiny brush
with pencils to match
clatter-chatter on the bureau-top
they ask
“who will you be today?”

ready to paint
on fresh canvas
a face
a painted mask
no flaws
outlined reflection
of vanity
Perfection
no flaws
no spots or scratches
or missed patches
in this portrait
of youth and beauty

eyes outlined and
smiles and frowns
stained red with Desire
pleading
Screaming
Look at me
I am perfect
Look at me
no flaws
no
a painted mask
to hide behind
Look at me
my painted mask
flawless
hiding
a calculated smear
of pigment covers up
what you don’t need to see

but
don’t meet my eyes
unpainted
they cannot hide
behind my mask
Look away
but look at me
Look at my mask
not the eyes
Please

don’t look at me
Look at my mask
perfection
Look at my lies
no flaws
Look at my mask
hiding

Please

you can stare
at what I want
you to see
but
don’t look at me
at who I am…

don’t look at the mess
that I’ve become

I saw you today mingling and chatting up
Girls while I cleaned glasses behind the bar
All blond hair and half smile and laughing eyes
And a part of me wanted to
Take your words apart and mold them into
corks for my white-wine bottles so that if
Some pretentious soul sighed “the pinot please”
Then the ***** in my hands could pierce through
All your lies and insincerity but
there were too many people between us
And I guess you never meant much to me
Anyways

Tear drop
Fall down
Stare at
The ground

Broken mirror
Wavering
Expectation
Quavering

Shattered reflection
In your eyes
Such disappointment
Isn’t wise

Forgotten dream
Lost in the light
Another day
Another fight

They watch so rapt
With empty eyes
Shards of bright hope
So many lies

Are you so blind?
Can you not see?

Be on your way
You don’t know me

her face
turns my stomach

like bruised fruit
in june

help me I'm
drowning in

these
words

they won't
stop rising so
how's that
for

clichè

I hope you find me inside notes
you thought you burned up
weeks and weeks ago when
you decided to forget about
everything you used to Believe
about us and life and
what it's like drinking
coffee naked between the sheets
laughing at Alarms going off
in someone else's life
because we're young and cold
and oh so Privileged with
nothing to lose except
phone numbers and dignity
And nothing about us really
mattered
but the little
corner of my Mind
where your name used to sit
hopes that sometimes
my name crosses
Yours.

Will you
Find me when
The black light comes to life?
Neon paint and
Sweaty skin collide
And sway inside
Pulses of
A thousand hearts
Beating and
The same drum
Echoes in
Our sky’s
Afire

Aglow with light
Escaped from
Broken hearts

Will you
Find me when
The moon climbs up too high?
And sits above us
Shining down
A hundred stars are
Nestled in his hands
Dollars and deals for
Two sparks
Down in one
We’re comets
Flying up too fast
To join
Her

No atmosphere can
Hold us down
Tonight

Will you
Find me when
You’re falling down again?
A streak across the
Midnight sky because
Even the brightest stars
Can’t burn forever
But you’re still
Shining as you sink
Helpless holding
Your heart all
Twisted up and
Your knotted hands
Can’t seem to
Untangle
You from
Her

Your pretty words won’t
Work on me
Tonight

Will you
Find me when
You’re cold and need a “friend”?

Please don’t.

I think we’re
Through.

Don’t call again.

sun on my shoulders
ice in my feet I think I'm
ready for anything
ready for everything except
today