You said you loved me but I don't think you know what that means

What kind of love would leave me on the ground in your tshirt with teary eyes?
What kind of love would listen to twenty seven (literally twenty seven) voicemails of me crying and begging you to reply and not respond to a single one?
What kind of love would kiss me today and leave me tomorrow?
What kind of love would listen to my past without the intention of being in future?
What kind of love would just let go?

You said forever but I don't think you know what that means

You held my hand until it hurt.

the type of boy who drinks a bottle for each of his problems and doesn't realize he's created a whole new one until it's too late.

I just don't understand how you could use me to do your work,
to lead your people,
to shine your light,
when I'm not even worthy to be in the same room with you.
When you are the light
the shepherd
the savior of all the world.
the creator.
you are love and grace
you are life and death at the same time
you aren't the absence of darkness, darkness is the absence of you.

My heart isn't clean God. How could you use me?
My heart is shattered by the world. How could you use me to lead the world?
My heart is dark, hidden by laughter. How could you use me to show your steadfast love.

*I'm empty, God.
Please hold me close in your arms until there's none of me.
Only you.

I'll see you in every oak tree
in every summer sunrise
in every crowded cafeteria
picturing you in your blue shoes
with a Bob Marley backpack
I'll remember the way your hugs comforted me
and the way you said my voice was pretty
and how you wore that gray shirt because you told me the day before that I'd like it
and how you said you were there for me
and how your eyes lightened up the room when you laugh
Oh God I miss you.... I miss you... I miss you..I miss you. I miss you.

I'll never forget you.

Sincerely,
your almost lover

You once asked me "Why do you love him?"

His eyes are full light. The way he looks at me after I make a joke is enough to make me dance in my room on a Monday morning.
His arms are strong and comforting. I cried in his arms when I told him that my father's love was late, and there in his arms I found the strength to move on.
His voice is soft and peaceful. 3am was always beautiful with his words singing in my ear.
He has a scar right above his right eye. It's a beautiful flaw.
The way he laughs oh my God I think the angels sing in chorus.
He drinks coffee. Our love is stable due to empty coffee cups.
He's addicting like a cigarette except he'd never cause me any pain.
He once split a sandwich with me and he gave me the bigger half.
He's perfect for me.

"He's different."

I couldn't ever tell you all of this because then you might fall in love with him too.

Indirectly saying "I love you" by giving you the cup with more coffee.

Everything you ever said was always picturesque and it's no wonder that I fell in love with you.
(Cch)

I just want you to know
that my favorite black shirt makes me look skinnier than I am
I never smile with teeth because my teeth aren't perfect
My eyelashes aren't that long without my mascara

I want you to know that I'm happy most days but I'm sad most nights
I take sleeping pills because I'm always worrying too much to sleep on my own
I cry alot. Mostly over my father's betrayal.

I want you to know that I love you more than myself
I find myself avoiding mirrors most days
I know you think I'm beautiful but I will never believe it.

I want you to know that on those really bad days when I can't even get out of bed, even when your hugs and holding my hand can't brighten my dead eyes, take me to the ocean and let the darkness of my heart be taken away each time the water meets the shore.

My mom is depressed
my lover is away
my lover's love doesn't exist anymore
this song makes me sad
I haven't taken a sleeping pill in 3 days
I haven't slept in 3 days
where is my father?
I think I'm slowly killing myself
one time a girl heard me throwing up in the school bathroom
no these scars on my wrist aren't from tonight but every other minute I wish they were
I just don't feel beautiful anymore

Its the many lies that pierced through me like a sword.
Its the laugh every time I asked you if you loved him.
You said no.
Its the heart next to your name in his phone and pictures of you two that etched inside my brain.
Its the "babe"s and the "love"s.
Its the way I asked you if you wanted him.
You said no.
Its the way you were my best friend, the one I would confide in when me and the boy were distancing.
Its the way I cried in your arms due to his absence.
Its the way I asked you if you heard from him.
You said no.
Its the way I found out your lies.
Its the kiss that was a hammer to my glass heart.
Its the look in his eyes, the look in yours.
Its the way I asked you if you kissed him.
You said no.


When someone asked you if you knew why we weren't friends anymore.
You lied.
You said no.

Dear boy with the soft voice,
your touch still lingers on my body.
your voice is still my favorite song.
But every song eventually ends.
and your miles away and out reach.
I miss you.
I'm sitting in your favorite coffee shop.
I can still taste your lips.
The coffee isn't strong enough.
Come back darling.

With love, (and many tears)
Me

P.S you're right. Adding vanilla does make the coffee better.