i'm trapped in your virtual reality
reciting poems of love
& dancing to strange tunes
of swinging simple beats
played on the 1989 jukebox
while stars snow down in the bleak
& the tide washes in on where we could be
i marvel up at the sky
because there is little better to do
than enjoy the presence of your company
crooning like a shadow in the bonfire
i catch you in my sleep,
but nothing can bring me back to you
now that you're gone

Loneliness is craving love from a person you know isn't right for you because nobody else is around.
It's wondering what it feels like to feel at home and secure in someone else's arms, and if that feeling can truly really exists forever.  
It's choosing men with darkened lives because their dependency brings you a selfish feeling of permanence and safety.
It's a gut wrenching and sick feeling seeping into your bones when you are held with pure and genuine tenderness because you can taste the closeness of your expiration more than sweetness in the moment.  
It's keeping the weak and fearful girl locked and imprisoned within the core of your heart, thinking that it is the only way to exude perfection, while only further losing yourself in the process.
It's missing out on yet another chance of revealing your wounds, and letting someone truly sit beside you and accept you, because you took too long, and no one waits forever.
It's allowing for others to take advantage and treat you poorly, because your self worth runs shallow.
It's asking suitor after suitor what trait it is within you that they find most endearing, and the response is always superficial, making you disappointingly wonder why no one can see what is in your heart and mind
It's dwindling further and further away from God unintentionally and missing the serenity and peace He once brought to your soul.
It's gazing into the eyes of your unborn child and wondering what that moment of motherhood will feel like -when you're looked at innocently for protection and unconditional endless love
It's realizing that whoever my life long companion will be, will not be the one who is responsible for filling these gaps
It's wondering how I am going to win this battle against myself in a cold and lonely world to feel like a stronger and confident women deserving of the beauty and sweetness life has to offer.

The fire turned into an angry fire,
even if the flames were not yet visible.
Our love got dark and indistinguishable,
beneath the volumes of smoke towering above.
Yet,
the fire did not come that day.
Only the smell of it,
and the sight of smoke.
The sky,
bright yellow.
I saw it coming.
I saw us breaking apart.
Did you?
As the sky gets even yellow,
i felt more and more threatened.
Your fingers interwined with mine,
we ran.
We ran from the savage destruction that was now almost visible.
Then you let go.
You let go to save yourself.
As the air thicken,
and flames flutter from branches,
flowers crackling,
everything we built together,
burnt into bare earth.
I remembered you promised,
for better or for worse.
This is my worse alright,
but you promised.
Where are you now?
You know what's worse?
I'd never leave you behind.
I'd grab your hand tighter,
and we'd run together.
And when serendiptous victory is ours,
we'll rebuild.
We'll plant seeds again.
But you ran.
You ran away.
But the worst part is,
I won't blame you.

(FAH)

because of you
I use to see colors
but now all I see is grey
at one point your purpose
was intended to be a medicine
but you turned into a drug
and now I'm a struggling addict
that's going through withdrawals-
tell me how to get the colors of my life back that I gave to you
because when I said I loved you so much that I was willing to give you everything;
I didn't think you would keep it all when you left

you were the hunter,
and I was the prey
you set up traps to trick me into your frigid clutch
my guard use to be so strong
but you tricked me to forget that
and there I stood
heart open, arms wide, and giving you every part of myself
it didn't take one shot but instead it took much more
because after each shot I kept wandering back to you
it didn't take long for the scars on my heart to start accumulating
you fire one last shot
I remembered when you promised you would never hurt me
but here I am drowning in my own pain and tears
I think you've finally killed me
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