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Ell Feb 2016
Growing up I didn't plan on being the girl who cried herself to sleep, hated waking up in the morning, or even hated herself.
I didn't want to be this girl.

But look who I am.
I am the girl who does whatever she can to make everyone else happy but herself.
and still I go unnoticed.
  e.g
Ell Jan 2016
Open Letter to My Parents; who didn’t believe in me,
I am so thankful for all that you do for me. You truly do everything you can to provide a home and food for me, that of which I am very grateful for. You raised me and bought me plenty of materialistic things, which I am also very very grateful for.
What I am not thankful for is the way you make me feel emotionally and even mentally. Just one time I would like to hear that you’re proud of me without having to ask; “Mom are you proud?” “Did you see that Dad?! Wasn’t it good?” Just one time I would like to come home from school and get asked how school was instead of being yelled at the second I walk in the door. Just one time I want to feel loved. I just want to know that my own parents actually care. Just one time I want you to ask me about my grades, about sports, about the music I listen to. Ask me anything.
But I also want to thank you. Thank you for teaching me that I only need myself to succeed, because you were never there for me, not a single time. I learned that I only needed to make myself happy, and that is exactly what I’m doing. I do not need you anymore, and that’s pretty sad, but you pushed me away. Congrats!
So to the parents who didn’t believe in me, who didn’t hear me crying myself to sleep, who didn’t notice all the weight I lost, who didn’t come support me at my sporting events, or show up to parent teacher conferences, thank you. Thank you for making a 17 year old hate life so much that all she wants is for it to end, all because you didn’t support and believe in her. Thank you.
Ell Dec 2015
I used to look at you and see the future.
I saw your face when I rolled over in bed.
I saw you making me breakfast.
I saw you getting ready for work.
I saw you kissing me goodnight.
I used to look at you and see the future,
But now all I see is the past.
I see you holding my hand in the grocery store.
I see you stuffing your face with my favorite pizza when you had your own, but you wanted to tease me.
I see you rubbing my back and playing with my hair until I fall asleep.
I used to look at you and see the future, but there's no future between us anymore; all I see is the past
Ell Dec 2015
I am so tired of hating myself.
I am so tired of wanting something more.
The thing is, I don't do anything to better myself.
Every day I mope around and feel sorry for myself.
That ends today.
Tomorrow I will wake up and love myself.
I will be grateful for all that I have and all that is given to me.
I will love unconditionally, freely.
I will be a better me.
If only it was that easy right?
Ell Dec 2015
I made mistake after mistake.
I regretted each mistake.
I let my mistakes define me.
I let people label me for my mistakes.
I am not my mistakes.
I've learned over the years that my mistakes truly do not define who I am as a person; as long as I learn from them.
The thing is I made the same mistake over 26 times. I truly believed that I had already messed up once so I might as well keep going. I was wrong.
Finally I have come to realize that I can change. I can be a better person. I can live a healthy life. I am not who they say I am.
I am not what they make me out to be.
I am me.
I've made mistakes. I've learned.
I will not let my past define my future.
Ell Nov 2015
She knew he wouldn't come back
But she held on to her faith and prayed maybe one day he would.
Ell Nov 2015
It all seemed so surreal.
As I kissed your lifeless body and gasped for air I didn't know what to think.
I can't remember our last conversation.
I can't remember the last time we hugged or said I love you.
But now all I can think of is kissing the forehead of your cold, pale, lifeless body and wishing that I could say goodbye.
God gained a beautiful angel, but I lost mine.
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