The Butterfly Collection

Jul 2018

Andrew Kerklaan

Glass ticking like cold plastic

My fingers thrum hopelessly in the hopes of drumming up a solution to a problem with an issue of loss.

This dilemma has found me at the end of my rope and I fear the knots in my stomach are only getting tighter as I squeeze you closer to me now.

Why can't I help me?

I won't let you do it for me.

But must I force feed you the truth?

I'm not hungry for this day any more. Fighting this sickness, I choke back another spoonful of medicine...
--And what am I supposed to do now then?!

Frustration consumes me.
I am bile. The emptiness inside, that fills me with rot.

I'm hollow!!

Somebody save me from myself! I want to self-destruct and not be okay anymore.

I want to fly a Subaru into the sun on fire.
I'm just so ******.

Just leave me behind and maybe I can decompose into something useful and that actually wants to be here and maybe after that I can finally float away from here...

Wouldn't that be okay?
Why should I have to stay.

I never belonged here any way.

#dysfunctional #misplacement #suicidal #depression

Jun 2018

Andrew Kerklaan

Forged

An echo in time reverberating reaches me again and again - - louder each succession

The silhouette of a suicide splatters the pavement just over my shoulder

-A piece of trash to be thrown away.

But disregard this dismissal, I'm still with you now.

This stain's presence is undeniable though, you know this has to happen eventually...

I feel as though the truth itself is captive in all this, for to speak it's name is to summon it's awful presence.

-A punishable offense to be met with seizure and entrapment in the name of greater good (Bah!)

Tell me though, who gave you the right to take the right away from me?

Perhaps one day you'll learn to understand this; that not all choices are given, some are simply ****** upon you.

The option is optional, but the choice is not given.

Call it destiny but some fates have been forged...

Mine is one of them.

#destiny #fate #unescapable #truth

Jan 2018

Andrew Kerklaan

Ready To Die

As the air escapes my innards, I exaust a sigh most listlessly foul.

It is not the last breath that we will share this day... But I wish that it was.

Why do I even need this?

#justfuckingshootme

Dec 2017

Andrew Kerklaan

It Feeds

Turns out the joke's on me yet again...
Monsters don't really disappear when the light comes on.
And they don't hide when you shine the light on them either.

No. Instead they rise up. They grow to fill the space that was created by spotlighting them and become ready-

To be the star of a show that you helped to curate.

I thought for certainty that talking to you about my depression would somehow alleviate it in some way...

                            but it didn't...

I actually feel more like I'm recessing further since we spoke about this

Like I just let the demons out to run a muck instead of putting them down  to rest.

So instead of hurting me when I'm alone, it happens any time now.
When ever it likes

                               It  feeds

and I feel it eating me...

                  and I want it to
-

#suicidal #depression #despair

Sep 2017

Andrew Kerklaan

My Pain

I have suicidal depression--
                                        and no,  I don't want to tell you about it.

I'd rather hide it from you (if I could)
And bury it the way you might do with someone you once loved

Maybe sharing their pain if only just for the moment...

I don't want you to sympathize with me either. It's not that kind of sad I'm afraid..

I need this to hurt me, because if it doesn't I won't learn that it isn't okay to feel this way.

A long and outlasting life will be my punishment for this.  I will die in valour and bury this axe where cessation lies dormant

Never to be shared with you

My sickness fully contained.  I will vanquish this demon inside myself.

I will starve before it feeds. I solemnly swear this exorcism on your behalf.

You will never know

My pain.

#suicidal #obsession #redemption

Aug 2017

Andrew Kerklaan

This Place

Sometimes I feel like I came to this place for someone else...

I don't think I was ever supposed to be here but my empathy ties me to this place.

I believe that one day I will leave this place...

...Maybe when my disinterest overtakes me or when I finally find that "bottom" part of rock bottom and fall through it to something better

I'm trying to reach somewhere that does not exist in this place

--

My place
.

"One day I will float away"

#suicide #indefinitely #freedom

Aug 2017

Andrew Kerklaan

Wasted

It is in this moment of shame that I am most dishonoured

I can physically hear the folds of my clothing rumple as I collapse into the sidewalk of my mind-- skull fragments reverberating off the backs of my teeth and echoing dully in the absence of mind.

Silently and absently, I will expire -- My final call

Again


                 and

                               Again

I will die here...
                               Even if only just in a dream

Just because you have depression does not mean it is incurable.
Do something about it. Stretch your limbs, fill your lungs and hug somebody you care about. Find some sun, don't hide inside and I assure you things will actually be just "alright"

#depression #suicidal #thoughts #findinghope

Jun 2017

Andrew Kerklaan

When The Butterflies Are Gone (2011 DUP repost)

The darkness gives way to butterflies and repulsion breaths life into statues of dead dogs...

These horrors must be kept.

Though stitched eyes would bring no release to these lost soldiers

A forest far away burns down and you scream my name

Crying all the while, the mother's child dies

Will I ever be free?

A shadow looms through the window and you reach to the outstretched hand

Will you take his word over the eyes in a painted room?

Faceless words mutter silently in a meaningless language

These premonitions so clear...

Could I simply be slipping out of view once again?

Lost in a dream about a dream

Eyes flutter open

The beating of wings of glass winds

A knife's edge will cut through the night and leave me in silence

Quiet and alone, you will die!

A wealth of burden all his own to eat

Darkness gives way to the dawn and the butterflies take flight though the deliverance of daylight

This poem I wrote in 2011, it's one of the very first I ever wrote. I hope you enjoy it.

#origins #depression #cryptic #messages

Jun 2017

Andrew Kerklaan

Silhouette Of A Black Cat

She beckons to see me come to her but runs away when she's seen I've done so...

Just mysterious

#women #ninja

Nov 2016

Andrew Kerklaan

Obsession

Tirelessly I am searching

Reaching for another answer or something else that makes sense

A self-fulfilling prophecy - I shoot myself in the face

Unavoidable

Desolate and Worthless.

I am the source of my deepest grief

An obsession and fixation that can not be shaken.

I am forsaken

Lost

It is the only path that I choose

My muse - I may never let this go

With me in my dreams forever
"I will be scarred for life"

I'm sorry it came to this
I love you
Please forgive me
**

#depression #suicidalthoughts #unescapable

Jul 2016

Andrew Kerklaan

Easy ****-switch

A switch small in size that if pushed would instantly and harmlessly end Everything.
No more. No less.

A trigger for your pocket:
That if exposed would eliminate all chance of survival
Bringing existence itself to a stand still

An easy ****-switch
Given just for you.

Ready to be used

Apr 2016

Andrew Kerklaan

Balloons (10w)

Balloons without strings to hold them will always fly away

Celebration seems fruitless when you have no family with which to share it.

#lovelost #happybirthday