FAITH
all I have
FAITH
all I can be
FAITH
all I will ever need

Sadly this woman with the biggest heart
Has to rip out her most loving thoughts
She must turn cold
For over her, people just rolled

She alway knew they would
But she still did what she could
She so desperately wanted to belive
That everyone that was truly in need
Would appreciate what she did
She had the faith of a little kid
She believed there was good in most everyone
But now with all of that, she was done

There finally was that last straw
Finally a line she had to draw
This decision was agonizingly painful
After this, she didn't know what she would live for, would she be able

The pain of this was greater then all that had came before
This killing of her own soul hurt so much more
Than what any human monster had inflicted
With this her heart would truly be restricted

She took the broken pieces of her being
Ground them to dust as tears down her checks kept steaming
She knew with this final self inflicted act
There would be no coming back

There would be no more love, no hope
If not for drugs, how would she cope

With one last sigh
One last cry
She pounded what made her, her to dust
She felt no other way out, it was a must
The chain that bound her to helping others just turned to rust
It broke and fell away
She wondered why on this earth would she now stay

For with all the good she had tried to spread into this wicked place
She sincerely thought it would be returned when difficulties she faced
Only to find
No other human would act as kind

Every single person she tured to
Only replied "what can I do"
"I would help, but I must put myself first"
Her loving heart made her feel so utterly cursed

So she decided that was it
No longer with the afflicted would she sit
No longer would she put others before herself
They could all fall off the ******* shelf

This decision was not freeing
It was gonna **** her completely, her fragile soul, her being
It was gonna break the ties that held her to this life
But when she need help, no one was there to end the strife

Now this woman with the biggest heart
Has to rip out her most loving thoughts
Now she is as cold and heartless as the rest
But look really hard, there is still the stain of tears upon her breast

I still write you
As a part of everything
A thousand characters
With the same heart in my mind
This heart of mine
Beats in time with yours
You'll be my everything
My ceilings and my floors
And my bed
Where I fall asleep to dream
You'll be my love
My understanding of god

Dearest Zelda
I could give my life
And it never could be as much
As you deserve
So I'll give you the next one
I'll give you all the stars I come from

I still dream you
I still am thankful
You found a way to save me
When nothing ever could
The beginning and the end
Of everything
I love you
I am you
And we are the rain
Born from our tears before
We fall together
Holding hands

Sweet Isabella
I keep on throwing parties
That I can't enjoy
Because you're not there
And one day I won't need wine to drink
One day I won't need drugs to get high

I may be great
Gatsby dies for Daisy
My soul can't be complete
If not for you
Its as though our broken pieces
Put together make a perfect whole

I hope you hear the hopes in my words
That they speak to you
I hope you feel the sorrow in my handwriting
That I'm not with you now

I went to write a poem but
in reality
the troubled, pure
white-hot thoughts
aren't pouring out of me

Each exhale is imagination
each inhale is a knife,
somewhere in my chest's frustration
it cut the former's life

So I lay here
with goosebumps
and creativity stirring,
trying not to fall asleep
with my mind relentlessly whirring

The poem that I meant to leave
has not been left here,
but instead swims inside of me
through innovation and fear.

We were lost
Caught in the blowing wind
And putting your head in the clouds
Feet no longer on the ground
I couldn't hold your hand
I didn't want to hold on
I lost my nerve
We were lost
Me plodding my way
One foot and then the next
On a dark and lonely road
And right now is all that is
Everyday is forever
Forever without

We were lost
But we will meet again later

We were lost
And your clouds turned to grey
But the rain never came
Just anticipation
And you can't be patient
You can't be blamed
I can't be there
We were lost
Me alone in a crowd
Finding lodgings every night
Just someplace to sleep
Never to be known
And not sleeping to dream
Not waking to be

We were lost
But we will meet again later

Talk to me
We were lost
When we shouldn't have let it go so far
Let me know
We were lost
And it was the last thing I ever wanted
We were lost
But we will meet again later

We were lost
You falling down as rain
From the clouds you use to hold
And upside down
As a face I try to forget
It's your face
I remember
We were lost
But I know that I journey
Not for fortune
And certainly not for fame
I journey endless roads
To find a place
To call my home

We were lost
But we can't be
Because we know
What we have found
We were lost
But we will meet again later

Talk to me
I'll let you know
We were lost
But we will meet again later

The look you gave me reminded me of
when you found out about the boy
at space camp.

It reminded me of when you sent me the
message saying, "I'll call you when I get home."
And then you proceeded to angrily cry and
sob in your room over FaceTime with me and
ask over and over again,
"How could you?".

It reminded me of the look you gave me that made me realize
that I had messed up so badly.
I had ripped your heart out
and when I realized that,
I wouldn't have blamed you for saying goodbye to me
right then and there.

You didn't, and I know you regret it.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm still here wishing I had made better choices.
I'm still wishing that I had held you closer sometimes, too.
You probably regret it all.
You'd rewrite that ending, wouldn't you?

God, that look...that look.
I pretended like it didn't break my heart
but I can promise you that it
did.

The worst thing,
most insidious thing
about trauma
is that
it doesn’t matter what anyone does,
in the end,
everything is,
(must be, has to be)
your fault.

Trauma is
a voice:
you should have known,
you should have done more,
you should have stood up for yourself,
what is wrong with you,
do you want to be miserable,
why did you trust,
don’t you ever learn?

Trauma is
you watching you
watching what you do,
watching what you don’t do,
watching it all go by.

Trauma is
a voice:
do something
do something
do something.

Trauma is
screaming at a pre-taped football game,
expecting a different outcome.

Trauma is
begging the fictional character to not open the door
when there is clearly a killer waiting.

Trauma is
the hole you keep finding yourself in,
whether or not you see it,
maybe you fall in,
maybe you dive in,
it doesn’t make a difference.

Trauma is
painful -
repeated openings of the same wounds,
hitting a bruise again, again, again,
watching the colors change -
but mostly,
it’s an embarrassment.

Trauma is
a voice:
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
This is fine.
You can’t tell.
This is fine.
You can’t tell.

Trauma is
your best kept secret.

Trauma is
the kind of ****** up
that can’t be named,
can’t be explained.

Trauma is
the kind of ****** up
that is too deep to be fixed.

Trauma is
who you are.

The first line bleeds your pain
The second line bares your soul
The third line cuts at the heart
And the fourth line rips you apart.

Any subsequent line is rinse and repeat
Because life follows the same principles
It will crack you, crush you and destroy you,
And it will always continue to do so.