Sometimes I think
I'm empty inside
Like there's a black hole
In my chest
Where my heart is meant to be

Sometimes I feel like
It's ******* the life out of me
It's stealing my energy
It makes it hard to breathe

Sometimes I wish
I was normal
And I had a strong beating heart
Where all I have is a evil black hole
That stole the innocent me

Sometimes...
No.
All the time

Put me six feet under
Away from all the noise
Where no one will hurt me again

Before I was born,
My mother wanted to name her child Kaitlyn
As the firstborn,
That should have been me

Kaitlyn was my mother's favorite name
But as soon as I was born
She looked at me
I just took one look
And realized,
I could never be her Kaitlyn

Three years later  she tried again
Now her Kaitlyn was born
A beautiful,
Happy,
Innocent little girl.

My mother calls me
"The trouble child"
I cause trouble
I am not good enough
I am not her Kaitlyn

Now I am named Nicole
My mother wanted her child to be Kaitlyn
She loved the name Kaitlyn
Was I not good enough?
Why was I not her Kaitlyn?

When I tried to tell someone how I felt
How I felt like a failure
How I didn't have a will to live
How I looked to the future,
And only saw pain

They said,
"You don't look that sad,
And anyway,
You're young.
You're probably exaggerating.
A young, healthy person,
Would not feel like that."

I know I don't look sad
I practice every day
So no one sees my pain

I know I am young
At least in years
But I have seen and felt
So much
In the short time I have been here

I know this.
But I am not okay.
I am not young.
And I am not healthy.

My heart, soul, and mind have aged
Far beyond my years

And I am not healthy
I have not eaten in days
3 or 4 I think
I did not sleep last night
And got less than an hour the two nights before
I slice my own skin open
To bleed the bad things out
And my mind has put me
On the verge of death
And taking my own life

Do you think that is healthy?

As for me being okay...
I think my tears and blood
Can speak for themselves

It feels like I'm dying
Like I'm being burned alive
From the inside out

I feel hopeless
Helpless

And as I burn,
I scream
And I cry
But no one ever sees

And I feel myself dying
And I try to want to live
But I can't
I can't

Not when I'm burning inside
And then my thoughts take over
Every little thing is huge

The fire burns hotter

I'm starting to melt
I can't breathe
I'm dying

My vision is gone
Sound is fading
Everything is...
Gone

I'm dying inside

I may have held the gun
But I didn't pull the trigger

I may have tied the rope
But I didn't pull it tighter

I may have grasped the knife
But I didn't slice my flesh

I may have wanted to die
But it was you who did the killing

for those who come home full of doubts
that they are still the ones
who bring democracy to foreign lands
  
let it be said that their specific orders
should be followed   no guilt bestowed
on any of their bunch

they have sworn oaths and their allegiance
to do their duty as defined by politics

if you want to distribute blame
hit those who from their safe positions
in comfortable chairs

send soldiers to their death
     and have no clue
what devastation this can do

You are an artifact, chiseled alabaster,
       I am just molded plaster of Paris,
You remain rich shiny white,
      irrespective of seasonal changes,
I need frequent  involvement of hands
      that know their craft well,
to be seen as an object of art, that barely survives,
    but still brittle, would easily turn to dust.
Men and women are different, inside out
    I was told, I see it myself now and delighted!
Over and over again I ask you to be aware of
      the limitations that tie me down and forgive
but you won't accept, go on with your life quietly
       caring so much to keep my sinking heart buoyant.