her wrists
bleeds with her pain
she hides
beneath sweaters
beneath sleeves
she doesn’t want to talk
she doesn’t want to share

i hold my words
like shards of glass
my voice
rusts from things left unsaid

she carries the weight of the world
and the best i can do
is hold her close
when she falls

i stand and i wait
for her to let me
be the one to bleed instead

Do you remember?
The way I stood to the side?
The way you looked to her first?
Do you remember?
The way I never was a part of your joke?
The way you ignored me?
Do you remember?
The way I held back tears around you?
The way you never asked about me?
Do you remember?
The way I wanted to die around you two?
The way you ruined me?
Do you remember?
No.
Because I was never more to you,
Then a second thought.

I put a spell on you
Convinced you I was fine
Told you how happy I was
Lived like the sun still shone bright
Like the stars hadn’t dimmed
I didn’t let you see
The darker side
The crying late at night
The constant checking in the mirror
The skipping meals
The constant stress
The last flicker of light,
Blinking out
I promised I was good
Promised that the world was not ending
I put a spell on you
So that you wouldn’t see

I’m drowning and nobody can hear
I’m suffocating but nobody sees
I’m slowly dying
But not a soul is there to witness it
I’m alone
In a room full of people
My heart is shattered and strained
From loving too much
Love without reciprocation
They see me but they don’t see who I am
What I feel
I spent every wish and piece of luck
Wishing they wouldn’t leave me
Even though I’m drowning
And they’re not there to pull me out

She isolated me
Left me completely alone
With no one to help me,
Through the tough years

I gave and I gave
With nothing in return.
She made me abandon the ones I loved
I hurt them for her
I left them out,
Feeling proud,
As I watched them walk away

I never saw it then,
The toxicity
Seeping into my every thought
I called it loyalty,
Poor innocent me

She never gave me all her attention
I sought it out, craving it.
Honestly,
My stupidest mistake

When they talk
It’s an inside joke
“You wouldn’t understand”
They say while they giggle together
When you ask to hang out
There’s an excuse
“Sorry I’m busy”
They say while you watch them together
When they talk about a group chat
But you aren’t on it
“We must have forgotten”
They say while they keep texting each other
When they bring up memories
But you weren’t a part of them
“You must have been sick”
They say while they plan to hang out again without you
When they forget your birthday
But they’ve planned presents for each other’s
“I’ll bring your present tomorrow”
They say while they haven’t thought once about it
You are forgotten
You are left out
You are always the second choice-
death by a thousand dismissals

I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry I wasn’t there for you
I’m Sorry I didn’t care
I’m Sorry I pushed you away
I’m Sorry I listened to them
I’m Sorry I left you

I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry I had you do it alone
I’m Sorry I made you hurt
I’m Sorry I couldn’t help you through
I’m Sorry I made you stop sharing
I’m Sorry I am the way I am

I’m Sorry, Sorry, Sorry

You are the happy friend.
You seek compliments but you don’t believe them.
You can’t be the messed up friend because they have it worse.
You can’t compare because they won’t see it as bad as it is.
You are the happy friend.
You are the funny friend.
You are the safe friend.
You let them vent, you let them share.
You take the burden so they don’t have to. You carry their weight-
adding to yours.
You don’t let them see.
They check in with you but you know you can’t say anything.
You can’t trust them with your feelings. They don’t need more on their plate.
They can’t handle it, but you can.
You can’t be delicate.
You can’t be hurt.
You are unbothered.
Because you are the happy friend.