Inner most feelings leave me in an unbalanced state
complex schizophrenia causes emotional self hate
innate past delusions not learned from harsh reality i sustain
emotional hell i endure of psychosis and paranoia to remain
negative unjust doldrums with no way out to possibly escape
mental anguish causing sleep deprivation in really bad shape 
to rise from this psychotic fall takes every ounce of strength i have
i find a way to adapt a positive attitude and tend to my mind with salve
when the worst of the worst is over a need to survive takes its hold
an ability to live life again free from hurt and thoughts controlled
i seek necessary help to continue my path to process how to heal
inability to comprehend the harsh outlook that felt so real
strength is derived as positiveness that does prevail again
only fear i have is repeating my suffering its just a case of when?

At the beginning when god created ***;
He didn't create a stud and a temptress 
He didn't intend *** to be sordid 
Sins of the flesh wont be rewarded 

One who has lustful intent has committed adultery,
****** immorality is passion, evil desire is idolatry,

To be married is what the bible does envisage, 
So God created man in his own image,
To abstain from the passions of the flesh
Adulterers are bound to hell their souls to enmesh 
Sins of *** wage war against your soul
Husband and wife should honor each role

The act was intended for procreation
Not the result of heated flirtation
We now live in a world that is depraved 
How many of us will see their soul saved?

A life uninhabited by the suicide soul
life ground him down and took its toll
once a fruitful hardworking life endured
grandeur created from dreams obscured 
Being an Entrepreneur creating millionaire lifestyle
every year that past money making was futile
The fairground life was all that he had known 
a place for amusement a place where he'd grown
betrayed by his peers sold out now insubstantial
business driven only means to survive were financial 
life meaningless with all accomplishment now worthless
a requirement to living had now become surplused
esculating worry of money, health decreasing
only one outcome, a need to end it increasing
showing a deceptive facade to all he was fine
April 5th was the date to end a 50 year lifetime
accompanied by whiskey, gun and a Dictaphone
he recorded drunken passages of time all alone
He had drove and drove to his final destination
a desolate place for the act and no hesitation
pulled out a double barreled shot gun, lay on the bank
with a one shot to the head where the bullet sank.

I pray to the angels and celestial powers above,
to look after those we miss and we love,
I pray for my mother and father's souls to be free,
I hope they are able to watch over me,
I pray for their guidance in everything I do,
and for their understanding and forgiveness too,
forgiveness and chance to write any wrong,
A chance to be with them once more I do long,
I do not feel the need to lay flowers to signify loss,
Everyday your in my thoughts and never forgot, 
You both passed suddenly and was taken away,
Eternal peace for your souls I do pray,
I hope you know how much I loved you,
You are both missed so much that much is true.

I cant live with my profound instability  
I cant be the poison and the remedy
I can inform, enlighten, give an idea;
cant explain how my reality's so severe
Not willing to accept that I am actually an addict
That my day to day life is controlled by a habit
Over indulgence in substance abuse
Determined by no reasonable excuse
Taunted by inner demons I have created
Suffer of Psychotic schizophrenia; drug related
Will power ceases to exist never to reappear
Self control lost with the inability to commandeer
Sobriety brings lack of interest, days mundane
From the daily use of speed i must refrain
The need for a high overcomes any felt lows
No lesson learnt from how bad my mind goes
My own worst enemy from drug dependency
No one else to blame because of ascendancy
ever seeking that intoxicating rush and feeling
until i realise that its from addiction i need freeing.

This life can throw me off course
Break me down with remorse
Spend time wishing for a more desirable reality
Or face life's harsh moments and brutality
No matter what this life throws at me
I'm blessed with a peaceful way to see
I am a deep believer in the afterlife
Which relives me from any such strife
The belief that there's a world beyond this;
Evokes peace to any troubles simply made painless
Loss is replaced with hope, a brighter outlook to sustain
Eternal peace for our souls to live on and remain
Safe in the knowing I’ll see loved ones again
Peacefulness fills my mind  no more sorrow and pain
Strength gained from life's hurt and despair
Lessons teaching us from past mistakes we do bear
So even at the darkest of times endured;
Peace shall prevail  from my beliefs  I’m assured.

I wish I had gotten to say goodbye
You are missed so much its for you I cry
Your passing was too sudden to quick to understand
Never again to proceed with future I had  planned
Losing you was the worst hurt I have ever had to endure
I know we will be reunited when its my time I’m sure
I long to see you again to be with you once more
A piece of my soul will be missing forever more
Grief has consumed me making my outlook bleak
Taken every ounce of strength to stop me being weak
I never got to tell you how much I really loved you
Never got to evaluate all that we've been through
Nor did I get to savour precious last moments
If only I had someone who could act as a proponent;
To show me how to voice my  feelings of hurt and loss
To fill the emptiness my soul now has at any cost
I not only lost a mother I lost a friend as well
I’m barely surviving this distraught emotional hell
If only I could see you one more time I’d say how much it hurts
Instead of keeping the feelings inside and hidden from the world.

How can you live with such a negative mind
Only thriving on misery and tales unkind
You wonder why you have such bad luck
When its all Happiness you drain and ****
Your outlook is dark and bleak
No positivity do you seek
Inflicting your woe on all that will listen
Like a plague, sorrow you do christen
Your outlook physically drains me
I have one and only single plea
Is that you seek some positivity
What will it take for you to see
That from the bad comes negativity
No good can come from misery
This is the truth you fail to see.

sssshhhhhh hear that? Iam your inner voice calling
Iam what you confide in when you are falling
so near so close never far away
always listening to what you say
Iam the reason for restless sleep
quietly nagging away; buired deep
Iam that gut instinct that avoids danger
Iam the thought process thats a bit stranger
I will call out "I wouldnt do that if I were you"
i'll be there for everything you go through
Iam the result of pain that produces strength
Iam what you are sure of and what you ment
unheard unseen by others the inability to speak out
only voiced when supported by a confidence bout
Iam carefully masked behind politeness
The part of ones being so contrite and righteous
A whisper from your inner voice can change ones views
I can spread doubt fright fear and leave one quite confused
Your inner voice is something we all have in common
Wether you choose to listen to it is a positive type of phenomenon.

Dear Me iam speaking to you from the future
i want you to heed what i say as iam your tutor
you will meet a man who seems different to all the rest
with his unusual manner he will put you to the test
he will draw you in portraying an easy going personality
dont be fooled by this false pretence and give in easily
you will find given time hes controlling you
and subtly disapproving everything you do
if there was a warning of what's to come
these following words fit his ways if you should succumb
Your life is not your own no more you should put my feelings first
Ill take away your confidence
Self worth will day each day
Acknowledgment will be received its done my way
Your tastes will change to fit my likes and when your spirits gone..
I will continuously put you down and convince you that your wrong
Cut you off from your friends
Socially confined
Overtime il take it all, but never be satisfied.
he is the wolf in sheeps clothing
a person you will end up loathing
three long years you will devote to the cause doomed to fail
a spirit smashing Sanctimonious selfish dictating male
so i warn you to watch out for him entering your life
and making you miserable with endless amounts of strife
i can guarantee you will succeed in all of your endeavours
but don't be one of life's failures being one of the regret'ters.

Time to grow up behave like an adult now get away with anything in twenties somehow
But now a year older that milestones been reached
30 years old  time to join the scrapheap
Its better to be over the hill than under it how old are you now? not easy to admit
Not to worry though *** your not on your own
As im 30 too with me you can let go and moan
One step closer skidding towards the grave
Now knowing that its time you must behave
Looking forward to having wrinkles all around
And the sound of your ***** dragging on the ground
Coz gravity isn't kind to those past 30
Not believing anyone again will be flirty
Luckily enough there's Botox for the cracks and push up bras
And wheelchair access in motor cars
But don’t let it get you down , don’t feel blue
Because im right there aging more so than you.
Its now your day and  time to celebrate
So have a happy birthday to you on this date.

I know at the moment you cant see a good outcome arise
But with given time you will be alright, you just need to realise
Realise how special you are the caring, sharing soul you can be
Let beauty on the outside shine that others don’t see
I know you feel disgruntled you have wasted 5 long years
At least that time taught you well to learn, nothing is as it appears
Now is the time to take control make positive changes happen
Good things do come to dreamers and to those who do imagine
You must realise you were too good for him ruling and ruining your life Bringing only sorrow  and trouble with endless amounts of strife
Enjoy the feeling of being free, from confidents of a wasted time
You are reaching that time in life, your now in your prime
Must look to the future gladly and leave the past behind Mistakes are meant to be learnt from
especially unkind times As your friend I can promise I’ll be there to keep you strong
I’ll keep you in the right direction to point out if somethings wrong
Please don’t dwell on failures you’ve recently endeavoured
It’s  vast improvement to your life with all ties are now severed
Use failure as the building block to create a new life to start once more
To find love that’s worth your devotion someone you truly can adore.

Time and time again I am completely misunderstood
Not conforming to social norms that I should
I will rebel if people disapprove the way I live my life
If told to do something I’ll do it more for spite
As I cause no one trouble I am my own worst enemy
I cant be the poison and the remedy
I do things my own way even though seen worse by others
there's one thing they can not say I do not harm another
Despise being told what to do
I’ll do what I want and see it through.
Past actions cause much regret Sometimes I wish I could forget
Although character building is gained from error From ties of past mistakes  I must now sever.

We have not got a lot of memories that are fond
Do not share the norms of a family bond
Lacking shared memories seen as fond Of times that  we were happy for once
Tied by blood shared a home so differently raised You unnoticed and my misbehaviour praised
Discarded me as a wayward child
From how you’ve reacted with what ive compiled
Compiled a basis to resent you
You’ve never been there from all I've been through
You’ve had a way of always making me feel guilty
From adolescence to adulthood its now hit me
Cause all that ive done you couldn't do
Never would you or could you
My previous affection has gone and retracted
A true callous nature is what you’ve contracted
You couldn't even begin to empathise
The loss I felt when mum met her demise You only focused on monetary gain
Not showing any sadness did you Lorraine?
I was in severe shock losing mum so quick
The wrong time to pressurise me that you’d pick Live and let live so they do say
But your attitude has caused me such dismay
I can not forgive and forget so **** easy
No contact is something that will Please me
Even the last time we spoke Sparked  more  anger you’d provoke
Unable to recall is it two years or three That mum had been gone, disrespect really
The cold hard truth you wouldn't be able to bear
So I will leave you to do what you do best, not to care.

In my village there's not a lot Interesting people there is not
The land that time has forgot
Misguided people And over the top
Gossips talk **** they also lack wit Original thinkers? Not one bit
Minds so small not filled with fact No ones reputation left in tact
Gossips everywhere talking **** Small mindedness no wit
I despise the gossips with there fabricated tales
Loose lips sinking ships destroying ones sails
Contradictions not concise
Contracting claims cant be right
Liars lie I don’t know why
Cant look you in the eye
Talk about others behind their backs
Unable to be straight and honesty they lack
Living behind others wrongdoing
Stories being told featuring you in
Two faced sad people with the inability to believe truth
Rumours added too of anything you’ve been through
The shame that will always spoil living where we live
As the ******* behind the two faced I cant

As your daughter we have that special bond we can share
So please always remember that I’m here and I Care

We have a connection that others cant see, I’m thankful that I always have you near me

Throughout the years we have been through thick and thin
So many times to recall its hard to know where to begin.
To begin to say thank you for all that you have done
For keeping me steady for being there as my mum.
Your always there to pick me up at times when I feel low
You make me laugh and that I’m grateful for you: more than you know.
My continuous constant, my mother, my rock and my friend
Never mind what the time , you being there I can always depend.

You need me and I need you, it makes us strong what we’ve been through
Through the good times and bad times, freedom from past despair
I hope now the worst of times are behind  us but  I’ll always be there.
I want what is best for you to be happy and healthy for me
what I want for you is to live again and for you to feel free.

Looking back at the past relationship I've had
I question why I stayed when it was so bad
The only conclusion I can draw he had me hook line and sinker
Controlled confined from life, no more an original thinker
I thought as I saw what he was doing I was in control
But his manipulative ways eventually took there toll
No confidence left no opinion left to be shared
His dissatisfaction from that I  couldn't be scared
But just when he thought he had me a shadow of who I was before
I rebelled thought ***** you and I'm not taking anymore
I’ll never forget his face drop as I packed to leave
Set free from his confinements I was finally freed
It makes me laugh his attempts to win me back
That’s misery is something  I couldn't again hack.

Suicide Sunday comes when Monday is in sight
If you like to party and live life for Friday night
After the weekend the first five days are the hardest!
A drink fuelled weekend for most to end up *******
Thursday is the new Friday for those who cant wait
Party hard for the wreak heads that will always partake
Partake in celebrating the week at its end
Unite together I do so recommend Drink and drugs a majestic blend
Good weekend times we can all now spend
Reality distorted rearranged out of shape
In an intoxicated mess we can all relate
Feeling amazing in the early hours of morning
Reaching your bed eventually when you Crawl in
Sleep steals feeling good and replaces it with bad
Hungover trying to recall how much you had
Some drawing a blank unable to recall
The actions that came from a pub crawl
Here's to those that don’t see sleep;
Stuck in conversations that are  so deep
Deprived from shut eye through substance abuse
Fighting peer pressure is of Limited use
Finding endless interaction to bond with another
Find out so much more of your friends or a lover
Pending the night comes a never-ending fight
To keep the buzz alive no comedown in sight
See the daylight arise and another day being trashed begin
Knowing when to stop is key to admit defeat and give in.

You really truly helped me being there
when no-one was,
The fact you came to be with me
meant such an awful lot,
You revived my instability
just by being you,
Thank you for you time and strength;
helping me get through,
People always say that -
in the times of need they’re there,
But to find someone that does mean it ;
is something that is rare,
Your heart is in the right place
don’t let others put you down,
Stand up to those who hurt you
and always stand your ground.
A true special friend
Your loyal and trustworthy; a true special kind
Beautiful soul in spirit & mind
You are a person whom I can depend
Thank you for being such a good friend
Thank you for being supportive & not giving up
You were persistent to pull me out of that rut
Your caring, sharing and so much like me…..
With the same points of view and personality
Being so concerned when I was so wrong
Im sorry I was unresponsive for so long
I cant face anyone when I’m enduring emotional hell
express what is wrong you dealt me well
No one has ever been there for me the way that you have
We’ve connected, sure now to have always have a laugh
I’m grateful for your persistence to ensure I was well
So Supportive you were caught me when I fell
Every person calls associates ‘friends’. They’re not…
….When its a network of associates we’ve got
True friends only appear a few times during life
Strength being offered in times of trouble & strife

Ruby by name and as precious as the stone
With her in my life I'm never alone
My ruby isn't a stone she is my rock
Undivided love I just cant knock
My Ruby isn't red although she does shine
My precious treasure that is all mine
She's the definition of a beautiful kind
Strong and gentle intelligent mind
She makes me complete my four legged love
I truly believe sent to me from above
She saved me as I saved her
A sad existence I helped her deter
we were both lost and our outlooks were similar
Both missing something  that was familiar
She existed with no hope unhappy nor enjoyment days mundane
It’s a wonder how she did ever remain sane
Her daily life  was miserable and bleak
All she did was endlessly sleep
Day by day just made to cope
And lost ignored and had abandoned all hope
She came into my life at the right time
The one vital piece was missing from my being
From being passed to and fro she needed freeing
I gave her a new lease of  life as did she for me
being mine helped my soul mend plenty
Her days are now not just to keep surviving
they are the way a dogs should be deriving
I think we were both saved simultaneously
Happy days from turmoil she's finally free
Routine and lots of attention, walks different everyday
I don't think I spoil her, she deserves  it  some way
even rules are banned and certain words will not be said
Like be punished to get out and then banished to her bed
Upon awakening in the morning every single day
Im greeted  by happiness and  puppy like play
Yes you can come up on my bed and the couch
She will take up all the space on me she will slouch!!
And after food is finished she has to lick the plates!!
Brought to me by a kind twist of fate
Only on a few occasions she has been misbehaved
Mess everywhere with toys from games that she’s played
Dreams when she's asleep terrorises flocks of sheep,
Destroys new toys in seconds especially ones that  squeak
All of which I wouldn't change its part of who she is
She does know how to give her paw and  on command a kiss
She has a look that seems as if she's looking to your soul
I dread to see the day she will eventually get old
She snores extremely loud and barks at every sound
Eats any scrap of food to ever hit the ground
***** her leg when she wees
Picks on every dogs she sees
Ignores what I have told her: doesnt come back when she's been called
On occasion fighting some dogs she could have easily been mauled
But rarely she is naughty thankfully she's good as gold
When she was made she they definitely broke the proverbial mould
Shes secure and safe in the knowing
Always a walk she’ll be set to going
She can speak so much just with on look
She is the best thing for myself Ive ever took.
She is so precious I do love her so
It will be my heart that breaks when its her time to go
The only solitary being I love in this life
Any loneliness she felt  has now been  put right
Companions for life we are now
To live life without her I wouldn't know how.

i  don’t give a ****, I don’t ******* care
its built up inside me weren't you aware?
Your continuous control I chose to ignore
Now I will not take this ******* no more
******* I will do whatever I please
Betrayal now hidden with such ease
what I do you would ever allow
******* I will lie avoiding a row
What did you do last night?
Nothing I’ll lie
Dodging accusations I have to deny
*******, your efforts of controlling me
Manipulating me subtly
Or Subtle you thought
I don’t give a **** if I’m caught
At least if you caught me this would end
This ******* I wont have to pretend
Yes I'm a liar yes I'm a ****
You caused me not being up front
I could say I'm sorry but that isn’t true
I've never been sorry for anything I do
Sorry I was caught not sorry for the act
Lying eased how you would react
I wont ever tell you of when I lied
Even if it amused me to slam your pride
I've had all I can take I have to leave That I am the ****…..
like you chose to perceive.

I have faith that the universe is in control
And that angels look out each and every soul
I believe that fate guides us where to be
Our lives entwined through destiny
Is it my decisions and choices that lead the way ?
Or is it a path destined to guide us one way?
Does one make his or her own luck?
Is it by choice we eventually get stuck?
is the universe listening to our hopes and desires?
Or is it our own doing that leads and conspires?
One of the many mysteries this world holds that’s unknown
the question remains is it fate or our actions alone.

With light there is dark, daytime then the night
Untimely events or timing just right
Times of enjoyment longed to last
Cant get it back once it as passed
Time continuously moving on
Quickly passes or dragged on too long
Time wasted, time treasured time never will stop
Times often thought of or times best forgot
Can not be caught can not be changed
Same time twice daily time being arranged
Running late or arriving on time
Moments shared or alone to call mine
Time passes so quickly some time it drags
Intriguing experiences or interest it lacks
Times wished to be relived cant get back
Times for change to get back on track
Never will stop not to stand still
Time ticking on wards forever it will.

Its not hard and is plain to see,
That we are all aliens you & me,
After the big bang the dinosaurs died,
That is when mankind then arrived,
Put on this world by alien beings
humanity then guided by their overseeings,
Its in the bible chariots of fire flew in the skies and
Jesus rose again in the 3 days after he dies,
We have evolved in to what you see today,
Reproducing and mutating in every way,
Some beings are special and more alien than others
with the power of their minds see the future that will become us,
Continuously creating newer and faster technology,
But humans hold the greatest brain biology,
We are extra terrestrial that has explored outer space,
The ever continuing evolving race,
Can swim in the depths of oceans like aquatic creatures,
For now were the aliens until alien life can reach us.

If life were a book it would be as big as the skies,
noting everything from this world and all of our lifes,
No place would it have on libary shelves
as into each and every category it would delve,
Chapters as big as the eye can see,
filled with information and extremely lengthly,
listing lessons to be learnt and lessons that taught,
Boasting the honest and disapproving liars that were caught,
The endless recording of progressing technology and
documented accounts of increasing geneology,
If life were a book no title would it hold
because its a neverending story ready to be told.

Imagination wild with dreams
and A happy childhood so it seems
From a young age my future was set
Then tragedy and our family met
Dad had taken fate in to his own control
By deciding when to end his life role
It’s seen as a selfish act by some
I think he was brave to use that gun
But he left me and mum to fend for ourselves
Hardship soon followed ……a living hell
Wednesday the fifth the day dad chose
It’s now thirteen years later when more grief arose
Mum has died suddenly and so quick
She passed away too on, Wednesday the fifth
Is it coincidence or is it fate?
Their deaths have shared the same day and date.
my future is changed now you are both gone
but this life does not stop for me or no one
I must continue I must proceed
Both your guidance and support I need
I don’t have a plan, no dreams to chase
I will just leave it up to the hands of fate
I hope that the cards that I’m now dealt
Will make me happy and serve me well

I was never good at taking medication
Hearing voices with paranoia my only vocation
Until I was introduced to an life changing injection
I was relived from my minds schizophrenic section
With positive thinking brought positive results
I bounced back from my minds insults
Im free from the torture my mind endured
How bad I truly was seems absurd

Free to enjoy the future once more
Can use my mind for what its intended for
Can now deal with life ordinarily now totally carefree.
I now seeking the piece that is missing in me
Now I look to the future positively

I have the ability Time for change
Looking after myself is something that is strange
No more negative thinking my mind must heal
Stop the paranoia taking over how I feel

To begin again I've chosen today
Look forward embrace change in every way
Stay away from bad thinking and ideas that are strange
My perspective on life has now been rearranged
Positive will diminish the bad twice
Look at the past mistakes so contrite
Visualise good changes and succeeding alone
Be confident in leaving the confinement of home.

Its now time life will reward me with a new hello
I am only just starting a new and have far to go
Today is the day Now is the time
To take back the life that is rightfully mine
Don’t dwell, don’t think don’t hesitate
Find the positive from any past mistake
Better to of loved and lost to have memories of what was
And be grateful from all the things that ive got
Embrace the good times **** the bad
A new journeys in store and take what's to be had
My outlook is clear and I'm free from being confined
A weight has now lifted from a previous darkened mind
Be true to those that are true to me
Take heed from what is plain to see Some people belong to stay in my past
Be with those that bring happiness that’ll last.
Don’t be soft, speak up allow true feelings known
Stand by what I believe and how I have grown
don’t allow kindness be taken for granted anymore
Learn from mistakes I have made before
I will not assume situations Nor give into temptations
Strive to be the best I can be
Find the inner strength deep within me.

No more bad thoughts its gota stop
Be positive and grateful for all I've got
No more mental breakdowns keep it together
I cant be mentally unstable for ever
Its the start of a new beginning today
I must block out the negative forces at play
I am a good person being psychotic is hard
I wont listen to voices when they start
A cognitive battle to commence to where my minds gone
To get away from the dark frame of mind I must refrain from
Not to believe the voices with words so unkind
Keep a healthy balanced state of mind
Thoughts manifesting madness will now be deterred
As out of control thinking makes conclusions absurd
I don’t cause trouble or speak out of turn
Past bouts of madness not reality, I must learn
Instead of suffering use it as a learning curve
Enjoy what comes from better times I deserve
Prove to myself how strong I can be
**** guessing how others perceive me
Demand what I want : tend to my every need
Positively will bring positive ways to succeed
I have the ability to forget how bad I have felt
I will receive more benefit from fate I am dealt
I must not feel I have to help anyone anymore
I come first others problems aren't mine to endure.

To brave to say goodbye to old
Its now time life will reward me with a new hello
I am only just starting a new and have far to go
Today is the day Now is the time
To take back the life that is rightfully mine
Don’t dwell, don’t think don’t hesitate
Find the positive from any past mistake
Better to of loved and lost to have memories of what was
And be grateful from all the things that ive got
Embrace the good tmes **** the bad
A new journeys in store and take what's to be had
My outlook is clear and I'm free from being confined
A weight has now lifted from a previous darkened mind
Be true to those that are true to me
Take heed from what is plain to see
Some people belong to stay in my past
Be with those that bring happiness that’ll last.
Don’t be soft, speak up allow true feelings known
Stand by what I believe and how I have grown
don’t allow kindness be taken for granted anymore
Learn from mistakes I have made before
I will not assume situations
Nor give into temptations
Strive to be the best I can be
Find the inner strength deep within me
Positive thinking brought positive results
I bounced back from my minds insults
Im free from the torture my mind endured
How bad I was truly seems absurd
Free to enjoy the future once more
Can use my mind for what its intended for
No paranoia stress free I now am
Honestly say I don’t give a dam
Can now deal with life ordinarily
Now I can appreciate freedom quite happily.

What I've become I really despise
My life compiled of deceit & lies
Empty words lacking truth
A deceptive nature stemmed from youth
No feelings of guilt nor remorse felt
Lying with ease not a moment dwelt
Exceptionally tangled web weaved
Ensuring stories are concise and believed
People see my potential which Will inevitably die
I will be the one in which all could rely
There's no spark left; the excitement’s gone
The first felt enthusiasm decreased to none
The more trust I obtain, the less praise I receive
I battle the instincts that want to deceive
Trust is earned and once this is reached ;
that gained trust will soon be breached
expectations not met; excused by deceit
I long for my recreational retreat.
I could say I am sorry but it is always lie
I cant be arsed anymore , why should I try.

When I sit alone and reminisce I constantly think of what I miss
The years have gone so quick somehow Memories of you,
so distant now Unanswered questions still linger on…. Why did you do it?
Why not confide in someone?
Why didn’t you tell us how bad it had gotten?
Did you think better off dead & forgotten?
I can’t begin to understand your mind-set that day
To make you believe there was no other way
One thing I can say you planned it so well
Happy as always from what folks could tell
The people you were close to and those that you knew
Fell in to shock, couldn’t believe it was true
You had been for drinks with your closest friends
Not one had an inkling that, that it was the end
On that day you went to the shop in the morning
You were seen as yourself, showing no sign of warning
On route to your death, you emptied rides of the money
I thought that was strange I thought it seemed funny
Maybe you planned to come home to us instead
And you realised that you were not better off dead
I thing I think of is how much anguish you were in at the time
And did understand what you were leaving behind…….?
I played the tape you left us behind I must of played it a hundred times
What you said about me, I need you to know
I never did hate you or thought you should go
I was at that age of loathing any rule
Hating restrictions that messed up ‘ what's cool’
I hate to think of you suffering so,
Tormented inside, filled up with woe
My hope is for you that your soul lives on free
And when its my time you will be waiting for me.

Your loyal and trustworthy; a true special kind Beautiful soul in spirit & mind
You are a person whom I can depend Thank you for being such a good friend
Thank you for being supportive & not giving up
You were persistent to pull me out of that rut
Your caring, sharing and so much like me…..
With the same points of view and personality
Being so concerned when I was so wrong
Im sorry I was unresponsive for so long
I cant face anyone when I’m enduring emotional hell
express what is wrong you dealt me well
No one has ever been there for me the way that you have
We’ve connected, sure now to have always have a laugh
I’m grateful for your persistence to ensure I was well
So Supportive you were caught me when I fell
Every person calls associates ‘friends’. They’re not…
When its a network of associates we’ve got
True friends only appear a few times during life
Strength being offered in times of trouble & strife
We have so much in common that makes me smile
Our friendship makes days of time now worth while.

How do you feel? Is a question I hate No point explaining; you cannot relate
I don’t want to talk I don’t want to share
You could be sincere I really don't care
What's on your mind? another **** line Easily avoided by saying I'm fine
If I told you, you’d regret you had asked
My inner thoughts are carefully masked
with good reason they’re not to be shared
I don’t feel the need for my soul to be bared
The fondness and affection which I always came to give,
Has now gone away, simply doesn’t exist,
My mind is now contained by a deep and heavy mist-
Cant concentrate on others, nothing more I have to give,
My troubles are now amplified as I proceed to live
I don’t feel the security of a family anymore
Despising my sister even worse than before
Sick of the pretence hiding what should be said
Her insight of real life coming from something she read
Dad is no longer with this world neither is my mother
Before, mum and I could always rely on one anotherI
fear the inner dark thoughts that remain from my losses
Morbidly aware we all bare our crosses
its all out of my control which evokes Hatred I feel
the explosion of uncontrollable feelings are real
fine line breaks quickly between  love and hate
am I now on the right path written in the hands of fate?
past relationships were fickle I falsely gave love to all
I've now  created a hard callous wall
scared I cant love and alone I feel intoxicated to mask what is real
Life teaches lessons that are not written anywhere
Choices decisions past mistakes we must bear
Endlessly trying to focus my attention to hope
Hope that I have reason to continue to cope.

I can inform, enlighten, give an idea
But cant explain how my reality can become so severe
Yes you know I hear voices and I never can feel safe
But you will never know truly what my mind can create
Nor will anyone comprehend what it is like..
To continuously hear voices all through the day and night
Derogatory commentary of every action I can make
Feeling I am being watched never giving me a break
The horrendous talk, accusations and schemes Assumptions conspiring
nothing ever as it seems
I often wonder how my mind can create such hateful things
Time and time again I am completely misunderstood
If only you were able to understand,  if only you could.

Sick of paranoia tired of absurd thoughts
Constant grind hearing things assumptions being distraught
If its not derogatory voices talking constantly about me
Random thought will make me act quite obsessively
Cant shake the feeling im being watched all the time
Constant stress of security being hacked on pc and phone
Not ever feeling comfort or content of  being alone
Under surveillance in my house being judged out in the street
Unable to seek the safety of a retreat
Paranoid for my safety, my dog and uncomfortable at home
People assume and judge making up what they don’t know
I'm aware of what the gossips say interfering how far they'll go
Scared of gossip and the damage they can cause
hearing their voices my mind on pause
My lack of faith in anyone causes me to over think
My head works overtime pushing me towards the brink
Every time I begin a psychotic attack
Me and reality become completely detached
As if im being monitored by hateful prying eyes
Convinced that Im someone completely despised
I think im always being watched in my home
Contiguously praying they would leave me alone
Distracted and convinced im overhearing their views
As if my actions are constantly being viewed
I cant ignore constant comments on all that I do
Why me? when will they gain satisfaction?
Im completely unable to find any distraction
I know what is bad and what is wrong
A casualty of misuse is what I cant refrain from
Withering enjoyment with unstable thought
Delusions and mental battles to be fought.

Untamed self control my own worst enemy I can be
I can not be the poison and the remedy
The voices I hear are not in my head
I hear the words as if they’ve been said.
Horrific thoughts I must endure
Collective voices worse than before
The madness escalates, reducing me to an unbalanced state
A break mentally so much others can not relate
Psychotic attack or psychotic illusion
Is it reality or is it a delusion?
Derogatory constant running commentary
Over thinking causing chaos; corrupting my mind
No escape nor shred of peace can I find
The voices I hear don’t stop they don’t give in,
Continuously ranting of dishonourable sin
I attempt to deter from mental confusions
Medically my thoughts are seen as delusions
At the time I'm not convinced I'm deluded
Convinced by distorted reality I've concluded
Distorted assumptions that I have concocted -now real
Escalated with time a darkness clouds how I feel
Negativity takes over positive thoughts
Hearing uttering of endless hurtful talk
Resulting in what I hear as being true
Suspicions conspire then conclusions are drew

Hateful words; closer louder unable to ignore
Detachment from any logical thought
From the derogatory talk I hear is believed
Its how I am seen its how I am perceived
Over thinking causing chaos corrupting my mind
Peace & positivity I can not find
Voices persecuting me to such an extent
Relentless and nasty horrid content….
Like on repeat although the night
I hear them talking but there out of sight
Surely they must tyre of slagging me off
Nasty unimaginative hateful lot

Voices of those that I know and those I am close too;
My mental state decreases concluding its true
Every emotion dark with dread and fear
Panic derived from all that I hear
I cant shut it out all of the time I take it all in
Persecuted of every action I do, I cant win
Unable to recall past psychotic occurrences
No deterrent from the cognitive disturbances

The voices never stop they don’t go away
With given time I’ll believe what they say
Whether it be a regrettable act or gossips fabricated lies
All of my self worth and confidence dies

Auditory hallucinations not willing to stop
All reasoning fact and logic forgot
Blinds my judgement and ability to see
harrowing Paranoia descends to reality
Hearing the conversations and ruthless content
Persecuting me to such an extent
Medically my thoughts are seen as delusions
I attempt to deter from mental confusions

Panic, detached irrational thought assumptions
Loss of control and distraught
When the worst of the worst is easing
Confusion remains
I question was it real or am I insane
I know now what I thought was deluded
I cant believe what I've previously concluded
At the time what I thought was real
Inability to control how I feel
Disbelief descends when delusions ease
relief then comes from what I previously perceived.

I was trying to steer clear of the type I adore
Refrain from where I've went wrong before
Lad about town with that criminal behaviour
In the long run he will not work in my favour
But I cant help my emotions drawn in by they're act
Full of something more that the nice boy had lacked
Shallow outlook I have as nice looks make the package
Cant contain myself from misbehaved Baggage
As I refuse to learn I must endure hurt and loss
As he will be someone that ive never quite got!
The one who wasn't like anyone else
Completely changed how I once felt
A relationship he didn't want as he told me
I thought he’d be someone I’d no longer see
But then confused me completely by staying in touch
Spending most days together increasing my lust
I enjoyed every moment obviously
Each day together un-expectantly
couldn't let go what so ever
Unsure how to be when we were together
No move I did make in case of rejection
But a deep desire to share my affection
One thing I was sure of our time wouldn't last
Certain I’d regain contact as I learnt from the past
Catching my interest always from what I can find
He managed to distract my wayward mind
Cant forget someone that’s given you so much to remember
Hoping that we could spend more time together
Happy where he decided to spend his time
If only for a short while to call him mine.

The fondness and affection which I always came to give,
Has now gone away, simply ceases to exist,
My mind is now contained by a deep and heavy mist-
Cant concentrate on others, nothing more I have to give,
My troubles are now amplified as I proceed to live
My sister stopped me grieving pushing to sell my home,
Her deep seated bitterness is apparent in her tone
Making plans behind my back which has caused me much dismay
Her plans of spending money that will eventually come her way
I don’t feel the security of having family now
The sister connection ended and now one I wont allow
Sick of the pretence and conversation hiding what should be said
Her only ability to understand real life came from something that she read
Dad is no longer with this world neither is my mother
Before mum and I could always rely on one another.
I fear the inner dark thoughts that remain from my losses
Morbidly aware we all bare our crosses
its all out of my control which invokes Hatred I feel
the explosion of uncontrollable feelings are real
fine line breaks quickly between love and hate
am I now on the right path written from fate?
past relationships were fickle I falsely gave love to all
ive created a callous inner wall, scared I cant love and alone I feel
only enjoying intoxication to mask what is real
Life teaches lessons that are not written anywhere
Choices decisions and mistakes are ours to bear
Endlessly trying to focus my attention to hope
To remain so strong and continue to cope.

You lived your life, now you’ve passed away Cremated with nothing left to decay
Grief endlessly lingers more so some days, eternal peace for your soul I do pray.
I have had to begin the process of change
Our home we once shared I've kept just the same
I'm now coming to terms your never coming home
My realisation is I have to  live on alone.
My mind needs to focus on something other than sorrow
Just get through today and find strength for tomorrow
I also kept your belongings the same; just so I have now decided its the time to let go
A change with these surroundings is needed for me
Things have been left for you- its just not healthy
I'm surrounded by items that prevent me to heal
A fresh start to ease the loss and sorrow I feel I've selected items that remind me of you
It’s a sad, hard process I have to see through
To box up and give away the remaining pieces you once owned- Pictures, books and
ornaments to belong in someone else's home.
Its time to start another chapter that’s new
Rebuild and proceed to live life without you
Precious keepsakes will remain in my possession
Reminding me to embrace this life & heal with succession
I wrote this for you mum, if ever you are watching over
Just like your poem said ‘enjoy living in clover’
Also you wrote… ‘live in the present, the past is long dead’
And i’ll  try hard to live by the points you once said
I will always believe there’s a life beyond this
For the departed loved ones we so truly miss.

I long for your presence I want you here with me
I sense you spirit but cannot see
The day that you left this world behind
A piece of my being died inside
Theres an empty hole left behind
Heartache and sorrow are entwined
In every action thought and feeling I have
A big part is missing since you passed
A vial piece is now missing at home
When I enter the house and im all alone
You were my constant my rock my mother my friend
On you I did lean on, on you id depend
I do not feel the need to lay flowers to signify loss
Everyday your in my thoughts and never forgot
You suddenly passed and was taken away
Eternal peace for your soul I do pray
I hope you know how much I loved you
You are missed so much that much is so true.

Another year another day once was celebrated
Now this day is  one that is to be commiserated
I do not need to lay flowers to signify loss
Everyday your in my thoughts and never  forgot
I may not make it to the grave on a specific date
I will come on a day which I chose to relate
Relate to you not being here with me
To show the world I miss you what others do not see.

When I went away, You remained at home
I’m sorry I left you all alone
There was one guarantee
That I always Knew that when I came home
I came home to you
You were my constant, my rock
My mother and friend
On you I did leaned on, I could always depend
The day that you left this world behind
A piece of my being died inside
I still can’t believe that you are now gone
I try really hard to remain all strong
I had so many plans and things we could do
Now I must live on, live on without you
I never got to say goodbye
I didn’t expect it…I suppose that’s why
The last time I saw you we had fun where we went
now a cherished memory of the time that we spent.

It's hard to grasp grief when it does come?
Different for all when losing someone
It never came on the day that you died
Or following weeks that passed on by
When your body was gone and turned into ashes
Grief remained distant and I stayed distracted
Distraction from sinking alone in own thoughts
Trying so hard to not be so distraught
I felt it today it hit me so hard
Grief flowed through my impermeable guard
The guard that keeps the pain at bay
The guard that pushes tears away
It was then I broke and realised your gone
Not coming back I’ve lost someone
I hope you rest peacefully and that your soul is free
When the time comes you will be waiting for me.

If time is a healer when will it become easier?
I long for your presence I want you here with me
I sense you spirit but cannot see
The day that you left this world behind
A piece of my being died inside
There's an empty hole left behind
Heartache and sorrow are entwined
In every action thought and feeling I have
A big part is missing since you passed
A vial piece is now missing at home
When I enter the house and im all alone
You were my constant my rock my mother my friend
On you I did lean on, on you id depend
I do not feel the need to lay flowers to signify loss
Everyday your in my thoughts and never forgot
You suddenly passed and was taken away
Eternal peace for your soul I do pray
I hope you know how much I loved you
You are missed so much that much is so true.

A life of living,
A life of loss
A life of giving,
A life that lost
Lasting memories
A life adhered
Enjoyment gathered in
Younger years
To all who knew a beautiful kind
Caring, sharing an intelligent mind
Now at peace
Now she sleeps
Her soul now gone
Beyond our reach
Sleep peacefully now mum
I now say goodbye
With hope of resting peace as you lie

There just aren't enough words for me to describe
How much you are missed and how much I now cry
A vital piece is now missing at home
When I enter the house and I'm all alone
When you were there and I had been away
It never mattered when or what day
I could always rely on you to be there
To listen to my stories of fun and despair
Coming home to you I could always depend
Confiding in you; more so than my friends
I regret past times when we fought and lost sight-
Of what really mattered when we used to fight.
The bad memories i have are really hard to forget
Any unpleasant times cause me much regret
We did have the good times which I’ll always remember
I love you and miss you I will do forever.

There’s an empty hole Left behind
Heartache and sorrow are entwined
In every action, thought and feeling I have
A big part is missing since you have passed
Sadness tainting memories with lost hope
Externally showing to all I can cope
To be true to myself I allow myself time
Whist I dwell on the past or write out a rhyme
Thinking over the Times that I would change
A thought keeps me going although it is strange
I concentrate ******* all you endured
That you were surviving life: you weren’t for this world
In this life you had given all that you had
and lost so much more especially dad
Without dad you couldn’t live life as intended …..
To continue forward with a mind and soul mended
I pray that now you have reached your eternal resting place
And its filled with everything life wasn't and its easier to take