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Cloey Olson Jan 2017
It's as if I want it to end badly.*
I have to stop myself from smiling at tragedy unfolding.
I'm an artist.
We artists yearn to feel.
We crave heartbreak.
That moment of feeling your heart eradicate.
Self-destruction.
We clutch at our chest and scream into our pillows,
grasp our ribs, begging them not to fall apart.
And slowly,
feebly,
with shaking fingertips,
We find a pen
We find a canvas
We find a guitar
We find our voice
Our medium
And we cry
We express this beautiful decimation
And people applaud what they are entirely unable to do;
to voice the chaos of pain
What does it look like?
What does it sound like?
What notes does the clenching grip of death choose?
What shade of red was it when he cheated?
That painful twinge of minor 7 chords.
The despair has a soul.
We can feel it now,
touch it,
taste it,
hear it,
see it.
We awaken the senses to the most numbing experiences humans have
We open ourselves up,
raw,
bare,
and the world feels.
  Jul 2016 Cloey Olson
Rachel
writing with a
cigarette in hand

writing with a
stain on my shirt

writing with a
bruise on my lip

trying to pretend
that your words
never hurt


sleeping with out
you

dreaming of good
times

drinking glasses
of malt whiskey

walking through dark
alleys with you
on my mind


I cannot get
past you

no matter how
hard i try

now every hello
i’ve said since you
left

tastes of your
eyes in that
moment you said
goodbye
Cloey Olson Jul 2016
Paranoia
is what I didn't expect. Prickling at the top of your spine,
the haunting sense of being watched.
I wake up in a panic.
3:30am every night.
"He's there" a voice whispers into my subconscious.
**** up.
Eyes dart through the darkness.
Fumble for a light
Shaking
Panic comes in waves.
A sob rumbles beneath my stomach,
Cowering and convulsing

I cover my ears,
try to stop the silent scream
Block the demons with my fragile hands
"Please" I whisper

Paranoia.
He's outside the door.
He's the face in the window,
behind the blinds,
standing over my bed,
he has a gun to my chest,
sadistic smile,

Wait.

"It's not real" is my anthem
Just try to stay in reality.
Flashbacks of his sway,
the shattered items in his wake,
my head shattering the mirror,
tears streaming down my face
His yells piercing my eardrums,
I can't even scream,
Blood smears the glass,
I cower and shake

Paranoia.
It comes again and again.
He's here. As if he never left
As if I never escaped
And I didn't...

Because the real torture comes when the conscious ends.
When you escape the abuse in reality,
you enter the abuse in fantasy,
And he's back with a vengeance
The mind doesn't sleep
He's there in your ear,
he's in the mirror
Behind the curtain,
right  behind you on the freeway,
Beside you at night,
Lurking and determined.

Paranoia.
For all the post-abuse souls out there...
I fell in love with candlelight-
in my darkness, she shone so bright.
She danced the breeze, lit up the night,
her glow consumed my very sight.

But wax and wick both burn away,
and candlelight just cannot stay.
As sure as night turns into day,
that fickle flame will go astray.

But for a moment, through the storm,
she lit my world, she kept me warm,
then flickered out, as is the norm
for candlelight, its fleeting form.

I fell in love with candlelight,
for but a moment, all was right.
Her glow, her dance, consumed my sight,
and faded out at end of night.
Cloey Olson May 2016
Did you hit her too?
Throw her stuff all around the room
Break her little soul
Split it right in two
Hate her so you wouldn't have to hate you too

Will she be enough?
For your lustful hands, not happy till you see her blood
How long before you break, can she run fast enough?
Please, God, let her run fast enough

Will she end like me?
Grasping for the little girl she used to be
Hating herself cuz even now she can't be free
She's locked in your maze of lies, it takes a lifetime to see

You just don't know what you do
We tried so hard to love you
And when you take, you take it all
We try to love but you hate us all
Every spark of good, you take it down
You shout and we all bow down

Will we all break through
This house of glass you told us we could never do
We lost our heart but don't you dare take our voice too
Make us cower, but still it's you who lose

Cause' you have sprung up a choir
Can you hear us singing, we're on fire
We're shouting grace over all your lies
Love shatters all; even leads us to goodbye.

Held us hostage, but it's goodbye
Made us Captives, but it's goodbye,
Can you hear it, can you hear it
You have sprung up a choir
Song lyrics...
Cloey Olson May 2016
...you said I had the universe in my eyes
but surely you knew it was only ever
a reflection of you...
Cloey Olson May 2016
My love…
My precious darling.
Come back. Please.  
My knees are still ******, my heart still a mess. Muddy swirls of clenching, burning press.
Press into me. I feel your weight from across the globe.  
Lift up my head. I won’t feel your blows. I’ll feel your warmth, your sickness will dissolve into peace. The clouds of mercy will sweep us both off our feet. I love you still. Surely you know. That my heart is still buried in your precious snow.  You, not him. Never him, only you. It’s you that made my heart skip, made me dance in the rain.  Only you could give me the deepest, wrenching pain. Pain that people **** for because they’ve never loved like that.  You, with the bowties and the warmth and the sun. You were my sunshine. My lover.  My stars. My universe. It was you. Only you.  Never a competition.  You set perfection. You wore my complexion. No substitution. Just you.  
If anything, I would want you to know that it was you, only you. Always you. Even now. When you’re taken and in love with someone else who makes you smile. Still now, know...
It was you, always you, only you.
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